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i don't live near them. we did sign them up for a taxi service. they want to be in THEIR neighborhood with all their familiar things. it's the same city but they were in a very suburban area whereas they are now in a more urban area that they are unfamiliar with. also, the facility doesn't think it's safe for my mom to go out on her own b/c of her memory issues but she and my dad constantly argue when they are together. i think the problem is they are now mainly confined to a small studio (of course there are meals and activities elsewhere but this is their main living area) whereas before they had their house, their garden, their neighbors and rituals, etc. it's just not easy to get them acclimated to new things, esp when i am not there. the ALF has an activity every day plus 3 meals when everyone gets together. they also get together with friends about once every two weeks or so but it's just not enough for them
Living cooped up in one room, vs. an entire house, definitely would be a major adjustment. They should think of the entire facility as "their house", and make use of its features: the library, the recreation room, a sunny corner to read in, etc. Does it have a garden or patio? Assuming it's in a safe location, they could take walks together, to explore their new neighborhood, and find features they might enjoy, like a corner park, a coffee shop, and so on. Maybe they're in a bit of shock at having lost their home. They need to get out of shock and loss mode, and into exploring/discovering/adjusting mode. I think there should be counseling available to people recently moved out of their home into an ALF, to help them transition and adjust to such a big change.
Have they made any friends in the residence? They could start up their own activities; put up a sign inviting others to bridge or whatever their interests are, organize a book club, find new hobbies. It sounds like they're pretty passive. To make the most of the new situation, revving up some creative juices and coming up with their own ideas for entertainment would be in order. They may be feeling forlorn and helpless.
What do facilities like that do about bickering, fighting couples? That must be awful! Are the studios soundproof? lol Sounds like torture for everyone within earshot, not just your parents.
Are they imprisoned? If not then they can leave if they want. Since when is AL a jail?
And...why can't they die how they want? If they want to die living, then why not let them? If they forget their meds, or fall, or forget to eat and die I'd hope they'd have that right.
Prolonging an elderly life is almost like torture. Nobody wants to live like a pickle in a jar. That's not living.
I think you should love and support their wants and allow them to live and die how they want. At least give them the freedom to do that. They aren't babies, even if they act like it.
I will put in writing to allow myself a death of choosing. If I want to fall and never get up then so be it. It's way better than being in an ALF or worse yet what comes after a nursing home.
My advice - Just follow their wishes and help if you can help in the same way you've always done it and allow them a couple years of more freedom. If you can't help then just don't.
Freedom is the most precious thing as you get on. Your physical body already slowly strips that away, at least you can make a few more good or bad decisions until you kick the bucket.
I hope to die living and not pickled so that's the only advice I can give.
Just Wow Tokinouta.... I get what your saying about living till we die BUT when we become a danger to ourselves we need a bit of help to keep going forward till we stop.. so yeah a ALF is the best answer .. Sure we the children of those parents will feel better about ma & pa being safe .. but the guilt if we didn't keep them safe would be more damaging than the loss of their old lifestyles .. especially when they cant live safely on their own anymore even with occonisial help coming in to check.. ALF isn the caretaker your thinking .. its not hurting them to be there .. IF they want to go out and about they can .. I think what the OP parents want is what they had ( in their minds = the old vs the new ) .. but life changes and they need to change with it .... I think a few suggestions here were spot on .. they are to crowded in that apt so they need to split up and be given other outlets to bring back to the "home" each evening to share ..
BUT suggesting they be allowed to endanger themselves due to poor choices just isn't acceptable anymore .. even if its what they want .. a choice that doesn't come from clear thinking on their part. they are "shorting out" so to speak at this point .. and cant make right choices.. .. allowing them to be "free" is like putting a target on their foreheads and letting the vultures of society pick their bones before they are dead .. unacceptable .. IMHO anyways
Why is it? Keep them safe from what? Death? Injury? You aren't keeping them safe from being miserable.
I understand that parents as they age take some care but there are better ways to do this so they keep their wits. Sending any old person to an new environment isn't good for them. They need the comfort of their old life especially if they're losing some facilities. It's scary, sad and confusing to them. It's not comforting them so I think you should just deal with your guilt. See a counselor. Get over it. Why would it be better to lift your guilt and send them off and to a counselor to deal with it? They're the ones who will suffer the most being moved to a new place at that age.
There's Uber, Lyft for rides or senior buses. There's amazon pantry, Schwan's, most grocery store deliver for food. There's nurse check ins through social security, in home rehab, etc. Then there is the kid who doesn't mind stopping by mom and dad's house a few times a month with meds, or those can be set up to be delivered as well.
There's amazon Alexa's or Google bot to remind them to take meds. Unplug the stove and let them use a microwave, or better yet just let them die by an accident. Ask them what THEY want. Do YOU want to die living at home from forgetting your meds or falling? Or do you want assisted living? Let them at least make the choice of how they want to go out of here.
Do your best to set things up for them and forget about the guilt. Gosh, kids don't have to have the guilt. If my mom was worried about me because I got into a car accident or forgot to take a pill and had me committed I'd freak out too. Just let life take it's course. If they want to stay let them, if they want to go let them. That should take care of your guilt, and if it doesn't you can seek counseling for it.
There are tons of people who are a danger to themselves and society that you could never legally move into the home of your choosing. I don't know why we do it to old people. I have a feeling it's the young people who just need a break but there are better ways to take that break. One way is to not take it all on. I think certain people have the personality to take on more than they can handle, they get overwhelmed and make hasty decisions. My advice is to slow down, and not take anything on you don't want to. It's fine. Just let it be.
Old proof their house as best you can. Have someone check in on them and forget about it. Know that you at least gave them freedom in their old age. Most people would want that.
I have to say I agree with Tokinouta as well, for myself.
I saw my MIL's decline and eventual death and how secretive she became just to preserve some of her self and get through each day. I didn't understand it at first. I didn't get why she would let her p/t in-home caregivers go early every day. It was so she could finally have her house all to herself.
Then she would make a ritual of going to bed at 8 pm, but that was only so that everyone would leave and again, she'd have her house all to herself. She often got up and roamed at night. A few times she fell.
That could so easily be me.
She opposed the move to a care home but ultimately she had no choice. I don't blame her caregiver, who was only doing what she thought best -- BUT she was also doing that which would minimize her own guilt feelings. Again, understandable, but no one need feel any guilt about me.
I will NOT spend the last six months of my life in a strange place, removed from everything I love without my consent, basically warehoused, just as unable to act as the potted orchid on my (her) dresser.
I have never understood why people are so opposed to living in an ALF or nursing home. What's the big deal? You would rather be in your home, semi lucid with memory issues, tumble down the stairs and slowly die on the floor? Just so you can say you did it your way?
If you're old and and going to die, why not do it in a controlled environment? What's the big deal about being in your old house? That's just a building like any other building.
Last edited by charlygal; 09-04-2017 at 12:51 PM..
I have never understood why people are so opposed to living in an ALF or nursing home. What's the big deal? You would rather be in you home, semi lucid with memory issues, tumble down the stair and slowly die on the floor? Just so you can say you did it your way?
If you're old and and going to die, why not do it in a controlled environment? What's the big deal about being in your old house? That's just a building like any other building.
Well I'd try to explain but sadly you'll probably just find out one day. Maybe you'll like it, and ask for it. Then it won't be a problem. I'll cross my fingers for you.
Some people find independence a very important component to living. Without it they'd rather not. It not one size fits all.
I have to say I agree with Tokinouta as well, for myself.
I saw my MIL's decline and eventual death and how secretive she became just to preserve some of her self and get through each day. I didn't understand it at first. I didn't get why she would let her p/t in-home caregivers go early every day. It was so she could finally have her house all to herself.
Then she would make a ritual of going to bed at 8 pm, but that was only so that everyone would leave and again, she'd have her house all to herself. She often got up and roamed at night. A few times she fell.
That could so easily be me.
She opposed the move to a care home but ultimately she had no choice. I don't blame her caregiver, who was only doing what she thought best -- BUT she was also doing that which would minimize her own guilt feelings. Again, understandable, but no one need feel any guilt about me.
I will NOT spend the last six months of my life in a strange place, removed from everything I love without my consent, basically warehoused, just as unable to act as the potted orchid on my (her) dresser.
I'm with you. Most older people I talk with agree with me. I'd rather die than be "placed" somewhere. Please, just let me fall and not get up. lol I don't want the call button. It's the fastest way to a facility.
I might just have to move to the woods in a small cabin in order to get my wish.
Why is it? Keep them safe from what? Death? Injury? You aren't keeping them safe from being miserable.
I understand that parents as they age take some care but there are better ways to do this so they keep their wits. Sending any old person to an new environment isn't good for them. They need the comfort of their old life especially if they're losing some facilities. It's scary, sad and confusing to them. It's not comforting them so I think you should just deal with your guilt. See a counselor. Get over it. Why would it be better to lift your guilt and send them off and to a counselor to deal with it? They're the ones who will suffer the most being moved to a new place at that age.
There's Uber, Lyft for rides or senior buses. There's amazon pantry, Schwan's, most grocery store deliver for food. There's nurse check ins through social security, in home rehab, etc. Then there is the kid who doesn't mind stopping by mom and dad's house a few times a month with meds, or those can be set up to be delivered as well.
There's amazon Alexa's or Google bot to remind them to take meds. Unplug the stove and let them use a microwave, or better yet just let them die by an accident. Ask them what THEY want. Do YOU want to die living at home from forgetting your meds or falling? Or do you want assisted living? Let them at least make the choice of how they want to go out of here.
Do your best to set things up for them and forget about the guilt. Gosh, kids don't have to have the guilt. If my mom was worried about me because I got into a car accident or forgot to take a pill and had me committed I'd freak out too. Just let life take it's course. If they want to stay let them, if they want to go let them. That should take care of your guilt, and if it doesn't you can seek counseling for it.
There are tons of people who are a danger to themselves and society that you could never legally move into the home of your choosing. I don't know why we do it to old people. I have a feeling it's the young people who just need a break but there are better ways to take that break. One way is to not take it all on. I think certain people have the personality to take on more than they can handle, they get overwhelmed and make hasty decisions. My advice is to slow down, and not take anything on you don't want to. It's fine. Just let it be.
Old proof their house as best you can. Have someone check in on them and forget about it. Know that you at least gave them freedom in their old age. Most people would want that.
In a perfect world I agree with you. But we live in a society that has a "save at all costs" mentality when it comes to medical care as well as senior well being. In the same way that a toddler would not be allowed legally to be alone, the government does not allow a known, elderly, at-risk adult to be alone either. (I emphasize known, as there are those that do die tragically with no one knowing for months).Someone is expected to take responsibility. You said "have someone check in on them and forget about it". So what if they do and your parent is in immediate danger? Then what? That person won't just leave them there but will need to call someone as it is NOT their responsiblity. (Believe me, I went through this very same situation!)It's easy to say "let them die the way they want" but really, can anyone go about their life happily while knowing their parent might be on the floor dying?
And another aspect of this relates to medical care. If you want to die on your own terms and quickly then we need to reassess medical options. Those people who quietly died in their sleep years ago (the standard it seems for the most desired ending) probably had sleep apnea that we now treat with a machine. If you are old and weak and in need of care (that you refuse) is it smart to continue taking medications? Why keep going to doctors if you want to die quickly on your own terms? You see, seniors want it both ways. They will take advantage of every surgery, pill or procedure to prolong their lives but then will refuse care when those medical advancements leave them alive but in a lingering state where they need help and supervision.
Last edited by Coloradomom22; 09-04-2017 at 01:09 PM..
Well I'd try to explain but sadly you'll probably just find out one day. Maybe you'll like it, and ask for it. Then it won't be a problem. I'll cross my fingers for you.
Some people find independence a very important component to living. Without it they'd rather not. It not one size fits all.
You call it independence. Then, where does help come in? Should we just let our elderly relatives figure it all out for themselves? After all, they want to be 100% independent. Poor health, dementia, Alzheimer's, etc. Let them make all their decisions and potentially die a crumpled mess on the floor. Sounds just lovely.
Are people just being prideful or are they just embarrassed about not being their former selves?
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Thanks!! That's the best rep I've ever had!! 
