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I'd rather die than be "placed" somewhere. Please, just let me fall and not get up. lol I don't want the call button. It's the fastest way to a facility.
I might just have to move to the woods in a small cabin in order to get my wish.
so i think i posted a few months ago about my parents. they were both not doing well physically and mentally. very forgetful, weren't taking their meds. they did not want to have a live in aide. we decided the best thing was to move them to an ALF. we found a great one for them that kept them in their home city. so they have been there about 5 months and their physical health has greatly improved with regular medication and meals. problem is now they're bored! they want to leave. they say they feel stifled and it's not stimulating enough. ugh... i don't know what to do. they can't move back to their house. i don't think they can handle living on their own. ideas??
Forgive me if my comment is repetitive of what others may have said but I didn't feel like reading all 120 previous replies.
We encountered a similar situation with my mother-in-law. But MIL was someone whose entire life was focused on seeing the greener grass on the other side of the fence.
She lived in her own apartment until she was in her early 80s. Then undesirable neighbors moved in and she begged for us to get her out of that place! Around that time our nest was emptying, so we took her in to live with us — and for five years she made our lives miserable! Although her behavior may have one thinking that it was her house that we were living in, nothing was ever good enough.
In time she discovered a "home for the aged" that was oriented toward her cultural roots. Heaven at last! Could she swing it financially? Not without tightening the purse strings but we can make it happen. Delightful! She wanted to move there, so we made all the arrangements and moved her in.
The place was very nice. To aid with perspective, we have told our own children that if the time comes where we need a place to live, please put us in the home that grandma lived in!
But MIL's lamentations began within days of moving in. We realized that MIL, as a curmudgeon, would never appear "happy". Had the walls been covered with silver and the floors laid with gold, she'd still grumble. Within months she was looking for an apartment to rent on her own.
So her three closest family members all sat her down and told her, "This is the way it is. YOU chose to move here. WE accommodated your choice. But now, we're done! No, we're not going to look for an apartment for you. No, we're not moving you again."
She threw a hissy-fit! I was "the devil". But the message finally got through — there are many worse places that you could be. Try to find the bright side instead of the darkness here.
MIL lived out her life there for another five years. Sadly, she never appreciated what she had.
If I may interject here, I was my father's executrix, and I wished to high heaven he hadn't asked me to do it. I should have said no, but I didn't have a clue what I was getting into, and was rather proud of being thought of "so highly". In retrospect,I should have looked up the duties and asked him to make his attorney his executor and just tell me who to contact when the time comes. It was a nightmare that I lived for many years dealing with paperwork and my sibling, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I agree. I'm watching my mom go through this with my grandmother's estate. There was no will so my mom went to court to be the one to settle the estate before her siblings took everything.....they had already emptied the house of anything with any value....took all the money in the house...total nightmare! My mother is the in the second year of this mess. She's still cleaning the house out because my grandparents lived there for over 50 years and there's tons of junk in the basement and attic. There's been dumpsters full and Salvation Army trucks to pick up stuff. And she's barely made a dent! Then there's the fighting amongst her siblings. They'll all be lucky to get a few hundred dollars once the house is sold and all of the bills are paid. I wouldn't wish that work on anyone! I definitely want to have an attorney be the executor...not a family member.
The problem is that by the time you've deteriorated to the point where you want to be in that cabin in the woods, you're incapable of moving yourself to that cabin in the woods. People with dementia can't do things like move. The best they can do is stay in their routine masking how bad their impairment really is.
My mom was a master at disguising it. As long as she stuck with her routine, you'd never pick up that she had very little short term memory left. It was a real eye opener watching her at the local grocery store where she'd shopped pretty much daily for years. Every item on the list was a scavenger hunt like it was the first time she'd ever been to a grocery store. She probably lived on autopilot like that for a year before her husband's health event that forced us to move her to assisted living.
The problem is that by the time you've deteriorated to the point where you want to be in that cabin in the woods, you're incapable of moving yourself to that cabin in the woods. People with dementia can't do things like move. The best they can do is stay in their routine masking how bad their impairment really is.
My mom was a master at disguising it. As long as she stuck with her routine, you'd never pick up that she had very little short term memory left. It was a real eye opener watching her at the local grocery store where she'd shopped pretty much daily for years. Every item on the list was a scavenger hunt like it was the first time she'd ever been to a grocery store. She probably lived on autopilot like that for a year before her husband's health event that forced us to move her to assisted living.
My grandmother had been in denial about my grandfather's memory for a few years. There were numerous things that the kids and grandkids found or saw that were eye opening, but she wouldn't hear about it. We made it all up. When the police brought him home wearing a neon yellow banana hammock and nothing else! He was found roaming the city they lived in. He was several miles from home just wandering about. Thankfully the police found him and brought him home so he wasn't harmed. He lived at the VA for over a decade before he passed away. He was physically incapable of taking care of himself the entire time he lived there. So I don't understand why Tokinouta believes that people with dementia are fine to live on their own until they are dying....I really feel like she hasn't experienced this herself with a family member. I know there's a nurse in her family who has stories, but being paid to do a job is absolutely NOTHING like living this with a family member. Nothing at all.
Oh, no! I never meant to be giving advice. Perspective, maybe, since I've been young and I've been old. But what works for me and how I want to live is singularly my own.
I love your ideas and your setup and I can only hope and pray I can do something similar at the same age!
I'm trying my best to keep my eldest daughter and her husband in the loop as far as legal paperwork and future plans go. So far, she is my "backup" on everything and my husband is my main squeeze, I mean, my primary so to speak.
To all (not directed at you personally):
We had pretty good luck with my dad's estate as well as my inlaws when it comes to legal representation. We met with three different firms (ended up hiring two of them - two states) and since the estate was large but not necessarily complicated (my dad basically left everything to my mom but they had lots of properties that needed to be sold and a business that needed to be shut down in a nutshell) they charge by the hour but are very upfront about each transaction beforehand.
And I did and do most of the legwork - for instance, I put the inventory together, I scheduled appraisals, I met with the CPA, etc. so my mom only gets charged with preparation, processing stuff, etc. So that's really kept the legal costs down. In fact, my dad's estate is larger and more complicated than my inlaws' estate but the costs have been a quarter of what it cost to sort through their estate, safeguard things, file for guardianships when they were still alive, etc.
It's a lot less expensive with a plan and proper paperwork, clear communication and the ability to act as proactively as possible, vs a reactive scramble during a series of emergencies and chaos. And een then - it's still hard.
I hope I fall on the floor and can't get up. I can remember all the good times while I lie there dying on my own floor. Way better than being saved and put in the pen to slowly suffer for years.
No you don't . My darling great aunt did that at age 90 . She was sharp as a tack mentally and still drove fine , shopped , went out to eat , visited all of us etc and yes I complained LOUDLY about her living alone 3-4 blocks from my late mother and her 2 daughters in a BIG house. She stayed down for 24 hours and mom had a terrible feeling when she wouldn't answer the phone and went over there, found her and took her to the hospital . We thought she would live as she was just mad at not being able to get up but when they went to rehydrate her the electrolyte imbalance became too great and she had a heart attack and died in the ER. This was back in Houston many years ago.
No you don't . My darling great aunt did that at age 90 . She was sharp as a tack mentally and still drove fine , shopped , went out to eat , visited all of us etc and yes I complained LOUDLY about her living alone 3-4 blocks from my late mother and her 2 daughters in a BIG house. She stayed down for 24 hours and mom had a terrible feeling when she wouldn't answer the phone and went over there, found her and took her to the hospital . We thought she would live as she was just mad at not being able to get up but when they went to rehydrate her the electrolyte imbalance became too great and she had a heart attack and died in the ER. This was back in Houston many years ago.
That is horrible! This is what people don't realize. Laying there for a day in agony is not how anyone wants to pass away. The thought of no one coming to help or if they do that you'll be there for an extended period of time in pain and suffering. Not pleasant at all especially when it doesn't have to be this way. I know folks love their independence and many are very stubborn, but it's sad to watch this happen and be helpless to help them. I do really wonder if some of them truly grasp what's going on.
I love your ideas and your setup and I can only hope and pray I can do something similar at the same age!
I'm trying my best to keep my eldest daughter and her husband in the loop as far as legal paperwork and future plans go. So far, she is my "backup" on everything and my husband is my main squeeze, I mean, my primary so to speak.
To all (not directed at you personally):
We had pretty good luck with my dad's estate as well as my inlaws when it comes to legal representation. We met with three different firms (ended up hiring two of them - two states) and since the estate was large but not necessarily complicated (my dad basically left everything to my mom but they had lots of properties that needed to be sold and a business that needed to be shut down in a nutshell) they charge by the hour but are very upfront about each transaction beforehand.
And I did and do most of the legwork - for instance, I put the inventory together, I scheduled appraisals, I met with the CPA, etc. so my mom only gets charged with preparation, processing stuff, etc. So that's really kept the legal costs down. In fact, my dad's estate is larger and more complicated than my inlaws' estate but the costs have been a quarter of what it cost to sort through their estate, safeguard things, file for guardianships when they were still alive, etc.
It's a lot less expensive with a plan and proper paperwork, clear communication and the ability to act as proactively as possible, vs a reactive scramble during a series of emergencies and chaos. And een then - it's still hard.
I assembled two years of tax stuff for my mom's CPA. We'd found a copy of a letter my stepfather had drafted to the IRS after he'd 'fired' the CPA stiffing him on his bill claiming he owed no taxes. My mom had 4 or 5 income sources so I got the previous year's 1099 forms mailing in my power of attorney document and dancing through all the bureaucracy. When I called the CPA, his response was "bless you". I guess most people just dump the problem on the CPA. Now, I send the guy a spreadsheet on a USB thumb drive with all the income sources and all the Schedule A deductions. It takes a few hours to put it together every winter. He files her as disabled and takes her assisted living bill as a medical tax deduction. I'm not willing to do that filing her taxes myself since it's borderline. She also has stock and mutual fund sales with unknown cost basis. I'd rather the CPA use the dart board to guess the cost basis than do it myself.
That experience finally got me to put my house in order. I have a will. I have my sister as POA. All the health care directive and cremation/ashes stuff is in order. All my personal finances are in one fireproof lock box. Every financial asset has a beneficiary. If I get hit by a truck, it won't be a big deal to pick up the pieces. Two pieces of real estate in probate and that's about it.
No you don't . My darling great aunt did that at age 90 . She was sharp as a tack mentally and still drove fine , shopped , went out to eat , visited all of us etc and yes I complained LOUDLY about her living alone 3-4 blocks from my late mother and her 2 daughters in a BIG house. She stayed down for 24 hours and mom had a terrible feeling when she wouldn't answer the phone and went over there, found her and took her to the hospital . We thought she would live as she was just mad at not being able to get up but when they went to rehydrate her the electrolyte imbalance became too great and she had a heart attack and died in the ER. This was back in Houston many years ago.
I'm trying to figure out why your complaining should have had any effect on your great-aunt.
That's how she chose to live. That's how she chose to go. Not your decision.
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LOL
When the police brought him home wearing a neon yellow banana hammock and nothing else! He was found roaming the city they lived in. He was several miles from home just wandering about. Thankfully the police found him and brought him home so he wasn't harmed. He lived at the VA for over a decade before he passed away. He was physically incapable of taking care of himself the entire time he lived there. So I don't understand why Tokinouta believes that people with dementia are fine to live on their own until they are dying....I really feel like she hasn't experienced this herself with a family member. I know there's a nurse in her family who has stories, but being paid to do a job is absolutely NOTHING like living this with a family member. Nothing at all.
