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People wonder why adult kids worry. My MIL is "doing just fine living on her own with no (paid) help" according to her -- yet her hurricane preparation consisted of buying 1 bottle of PowerAde and a couple of cans of soup. No exaggeration. (BIL had given her a shopping list days prior to make sure she got the essentials on a shopping trip with a friend, but she ignored it. When he went over to get the house ready for the storm none of the food provisions or supplies were there.)
Sigh.
So kids had to go into reactive mode and find an 11th hour plane ticket to evacuate her since store shelves are now empty.
THIS IS WHY WE WORRY.
Oh my! It's really good that she has someone who thought ahead and made her a list and checked on her before the storm. This is going to be a catastrophic storm. She's probably much better out of the area for her own safety. I can just see someone with dementia going out in the storm and nothing good can come from that. The eye comes overhead and it's sunny and pretty.....very false sense of security. Then the backside shows up and it's ugly.
Reactive mode - my least favorite place in the world.
Amen to that, Kathryn. My general approach to life, reinforced by my training as a nurse, is to always be proactive, to think ahead about what might happen and to take action to prevent the bad thing from happening, or to mitigate it if it does happen. Having to react to a bad situation that has already happened is so stressful. And yet here are so many of our parents, unable to think proactively, putting everyone in that reactive place.
My mechanic says I am the only one of his customers who replaces their car battery regularly. He said everyone else waits until it dies and strands them somewhere. I'll bet I'm not the only person on this forum like that.
My word, Kathryn. That situation sounds like a dystopic novel. Just an awful situation. My Mom also sat all day in her dark, unairconditioned house, sitting in the same chair. All day. Her mobility got worse and worse until she could barely move on her own. If we hadn't put a commode next to her chair, I hate to think what she would have done. We eventually were able to get her into a nursing home, but not before months of stress, worry and frustration as she proclaimed, "I don't need any help" had passed. By that point, her dementia had rapidly accelerated.
So sad that some people won't accept the help that is offered, mainly because they are stubborn. Also dementia just removes their ability to reason. We've found that we just can't even try to explain things logically to MIL, who's dementia has moved from mild to moderate. She won't listen at all if the answer is not exactly what she wants to hear. But sometimes we just have to become the parents to our parents. And all that worrying they did when we were kids has turned into us worrying about them.
And I hope and pray that your MIL gets out and gets to a safe place.
Reactive mode - my least favorite place in the world.
And it tends to be very costly financially as well as emotionally. It goes against one of the main tenets of my life (right behind that Golden Rule) - "Never unnecessarily limit your options."
So true, being stuck in that reactive mode makes you end up making decisions that would have been so much easier, cheaper, less hassle and, mostly, less upsetting to everyone if they could have been planned carefully in the proactive time frame. Sometimes circumstances change rapidly though, and all we CAN DO is react.
I've had to learn to lessen my urges to jump in immediately and solve every problem though. Some problems will solve themselves, sometimes the solution is to let others do their part, sometimes it's better to take your time in reacting and let better solutions slowly evolve in your mind.
So true, being stuck in that reactive mode makes you end up making decisions that would have been so much easier, cheaper, less hassle and, mostly, less upsetting to everyone if they could have been planned carefully in the proactive time frame. Sometimes circumstances change rapidly though, and all we CAN DO is react.
I've had to learn to lessen my urges to jump in immediately and solve every problem though. Some problems will solve themselves, sometimes the solution is to let others do their part, sometimes it's better to take your time in reacting and let better solutions slowly evolve in your mind.
It hurts my heart to remember this.
We were once babies, helpless, dependent on our parents for everything in our early years. Eventually, for some our parents become OUR babies. Why is it so difficult to take care of our aging parents, as they once took care of us?
That question was asked by my 7 yr old cousin, as we explained to her the failing health of our 87 yr old Aunt.
If only it was that easy.
Hugs to EVERYONE here facing this chapter of their lives.
Some people find independence a very important component to living. Without it they'd rather not. It not one size fits all.
But that's just it. By the time a family is considering an ALF, the elderly family member is NOT independent. Usually, their family is working their butts off to give them that illusion of independence, often at the cost of an impact on their own family, marriage or job -- and this could go on for YEARS. There are caregivers coming and going. Someone is taking them to the doctor and keeping track of appointments. Someone is doing their grocery shopping for them. Someone is making sure they are getting at least one decent meal a day. Someone is tracking their meds, refilling them, and making sure the doses are being administered properly. Someone has taken away their car, because they are no longer safe to drive (never mind them, think about the young mother with a baby in the backseat that they may hit when they miss the stop sign, and the resulting lawsuit that sucks up a lifetime worth of savings.) Family members scramble to make sure that care reliably continues when they are out of town for work or vacation. Someone is caring for the house and keeping it in repair, caring for the yard, etc., etc. Someone is answering the phone at 3 AM when the loved one is calling to remind them that they have a hair appointment the next day . . .
So yeah, independence is a great thing -- if you ARE independent. Many, many loved ones just think that, because they are at home, they are "independent." In many cases, an ALF actually SUPPORTS a greater independence. It's not a jail, for heaven's sake. My MIL LOVES her CCIP community -- she is happy not to have the responsibility of a house any longer, her family visits regularly, and she is active and engaged in her community and church. If something goes wrong in her duplex, she snaps her fingers and the management has it fixed almost instantly. If she wants to cook, she cooks (although lately, it's better than she doesn't attack the big meals, anymore!) If not, she goes to the dining hall and chatters happily to friends. The only prison at an ALF is in one's own mind.
It hurts my heart to remember this.
We were once babies, helpless, dependent on our parents for everything in our early years. Eventually, for some our parents become OUR babies. Why is it so difficult to take care of our aging parents, as they once took care of us?
That question was asked by my 7 yr old cousin, as we explained to her the failing health of our 87 yr old Aunt.
If only it was that easy.
Hugs to EVERYONE here facing this chapter of their lives.
Why is it so difficult? Because a parent is almost always gradually (or quickly) declining, and needing more and more specialized attention as time goes by. A child is growing, become more independent. A parent is growing more and more dependent. Children are toilet trained by the age of 3 -- some parents may be depending on Depends for years, and they are a LOT harder to change. Children are striving outwards, towards learning and growing. Parents are turning inwards, to memories of other times that may not even include you. In five years, a child can be starting school and starting to become a citizen of their world. In five years, a parent may be bedridden, their memory shot to hell and be requiring 24 hour care. And it's NOT going to be something they "outgrow". :-(
It hurts my heart to remember this.
We were once babies, helpless, dependent on our parents for everything in our early years. Eventually, for some our parents become OUR babies. Why is it so difficult to take care of our aging parents, as they once took care of us?
That question was asked by my 7 yr old cousin, as we explained to her the failing health of our 87 yr old Aunt.
If only it was that easy.
Hugs to EVERYONE here facing this chapter of their lives.
Some reasons why it's more difficult:
1. Parent/child dynamics - not many parents are willing to give up what they perceive as control over their own lives. Most parents don't want to be "managed" by their adult kids, and that's what parents of babies do - they are the authority, they make the decisions, they choose the food, the clothes, where their family lives, where their kids move, go to school, etc. Most elderly adults don't want this sort of thing dictated to them by their adult kids, so there's that issue. It's not easy to turn the tables and hand over control.
2. Sheer weight - of body and will. It's one thing to be 28 years old and changing a 12 pound baby's diapers, or hauling a baby around on your hip, or getting an infant in and out of a car. It's altogether another thing to be 60 years old and changing a 120 (or heavier) pound adult's diapers, or trying to help an impaired adult up and down and onto the toilet, into the bed, in and out of a car, etc. Not at ALL the same scenario.
When we are children, we submit to our parents' authority. They choose where we live, what we eat, how we dress, where we go to school, where we go on vacation, what hobbies they will support, what time we go to bed, what time we get up, etc. If they need to move, or want to move, for a career opportunity or whatever, we really have no choice as kids - we submit to their authority and hopefully (but certainly not always) they make choices with our best interests at heart. If not - too bad - that's what's going down.
When you're trying to help an elderly loved one, they have their own lives, their own strong opinions and preferences, and they've been an adult now for 60 years or more. They are not accustomed to handing over so many decisions to their kids.
It hurts my heart to remember this.
We were once babies, helpless, dependent on our parents for everything in our early years. Eventually, for some our parents become OUR babies. Why is it so difficult to take care of our aging parents, as they once took care of us? That question was asked by my 7 yr old cousin, as we explained to her the failing health of our 87 yr old Aunt.
If only it was that easy.
Hugs to EVERYONE here facing this chapter of their lives.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
Some reasons why it's more difficult:
1. Parent/child dynamics - not many parents are willing to give up what they perceive as control over their own lives. Most parents don't want to be "managed" by their adult kids, and that's what parents of babies do - they are the authority, they make the decisions, they choose the food, the clothes, where their family lives, where their kids move, go to school, etc. Most elderly adults don't want this sort of thing dictated to them by their adult kids, so there's that issue. It's not easy to turn the tables and hand over control.
2. Sheer weight - of body and will. It's one thing to be 28 years old and changing a 12 pound baby's diapers, or hauling a baby around on your hip, or getting an infant in and out of a car. It's altogether another thing to be 60 years old and changing a 120 (or heavier) pound adult's diapers, or trying to help an impaired adult up and down and onto the toilet, into the bed, in and out of a car, etc. Not at ALL the same scenario.
When we are children, we submit to our parents' authority. They choose where we live, what we eat, how we dress, where we go to school, where we go on vacation, what hobbies they will support, what time we go to bed, what time we get up, etc. If they need to move, or want to move, for a career opportunity or whatever, we really have no choice as kids - we submit to their authority and hopefully (but certainly not always) they make choices with our best interests at heart. If not - too bad - that's what's going down.
When you're trying to help an elderly loved one, they have their own lives, their own strong opinions and preferences, and they've been an adult now for 60 years or more. They are not accustomed to handing over so many decisions to their kids.
I am going to comment on just the changing diapers part. I am not sure if I ever shared this but my mother was completely bedridden the last year of her life. In her case, severe rheumatoid arthritis made the situation much worse as her body was slowly contacting into a fetal position (in spite of physical therapy). While I do not know her weight at the end, when she became bedridden she was perhaps 180 pounds. Due to her physical challenges, lack of strength, and weight it was very difficult for her diaper to changed by just one person (but that is normally how it had to done). In addition, being moved was very painful for her and she would often cry out in pain or silently cry tears of pain when she was being changed because any movement hurt so very much. And the absolutely worse part was that her mind was completely sharp.
So, this intelligent, articulate woman faced the several times per day humiliation of needing to be cleaned and changed by her 75 year old husband or adult children (even at times by her adult sons) and there was nothing that she could do to change that.
Changing a cognitively-normal, aware adult, weighing 180 pounds, who not only is not able to "help" by moving her legs, etc. but is actually in pain due to being moved is no where near the same as changing a baby or toddler, especially to her regular caregiver - her 75 year old husband, who also had arthritis. And, it certainly was the not the same to my mother as when she had been changed as a baby or a toddler.
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