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OP, I'm sorry your family is making this so hard on you. I can't imagine that I would do that to my own children....hard as it might be for me I think I'd still plaster a smile on my face and wish them well (and secretly flatten their tires in the middle of the night so they miss their flight....LOL). Perhaps some adjustment time will soften their view. It sounds like you are doing a great thing for your wife and children. We made a similar move once (not involving moving from family though) so DH could have a more reasonable work schedule and our family life improved dramatically. I can't believe he used to be gone so much. I hope you all have a great move and enjoy NC!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821
I think a lot of people feel that when everyone has lived in a certain place - and one of the members leaves - it is up to the person who left to "come home" to visit.
I can remember asking a relative of mine to come visit me in Kansas City and was told "Why would I do that? You're the one who left."
Ani, my family is EXACTLY like this. In fact, Brian and I have a lot in common here (I'll try not to go on too long....he's already vented a lot of my frustration). After I got married it was 15 YEARS before anyone from my family came to visit my house and my family. I was always expected to go 'home'. Granted, we had moved a few times but we had been home (both to my home and to DH's family) many times, spending our vacations, time, thousands of $$ on travel and hotels, running around seeing everyone else. I finally got worn out and told my family that I was coming home one last time (to my dad's house in PA) and that I wouldn't be coming back again until someone visited our home. Things were going to be equal regarding travel time back and forth. They ALL came to see me in PA....mom came from NJ, brother came down from NY, other siblings and extended family were already in PA. Yeah...well, I didn't expect it to be a last goodbye!! My dad has since been down for two weekends and my mom still hasn't made the trip from NJ to NC. I haven't seen her in several years, I guess it doesn't bother her enough to get herself on down here. *shrug* That's it, two weekend trips in nearly 18 years. I have been back to my dad's for 2 weekends also....just to keep it 'even'. And get this, I got grief at Christmas when, a week before Christmas, the entire family decided to go to my dad's for the holidays and expected us to join them. We already had plans to visit the IL's and DH's brother was coming here so we couldn't easily arrange the travel on such short notice. Bah humbug!! Never mind that I have invited everyone to come here EVERY CHRISTMAS since I have been married.
I didn't really get any mean slack about it just wondering why. However, when I tell them that my home insurance for a larger house is $347 yr compared to $5000 yr they quiet down. Also, when I tell them my taxes are only $1700 yr compared to $7000 yr they get quiet again LOL.
I keep telling my rich friends to come up here so they can stop paying $50K a year in taxes..YIKES!
NCYank: I have a feeling what you have experienced is not all that rare. Seems a lot of folks have been dealing w/ the same attitude.
I do understand the rationale I have heard from other people. They say things like - well, it is expensive to travel and we want to use those funds for vacation - and it isn't like going to a sibling's house is "vacation." I also have friends who end up w/ relatives "bumming in" for a week and expecting Disney World every day ("cause we spent our vacation money to come see you"). So the "host" family ends up spending a lot of money to accommodate their guests.
People can be pretty insensitive, LOL!!! On the other hand, for traditional holidays such as Christmas and Thanksgiving, a lot of times family members do not want to leave their homes, especially if there are parties to attend and events the kids are involved in, wh/ is understandable, too.
I think the ideal is when families visit at times other than holidays and keep travel short - just a long weekend. People can fly in on a Wed or Thurs evening and leave on Sunday. Or - start driving on Wednesday evening. But I have found a lot of times, family members don't want to take the vacation days off work, don't like the extra expense or don't feel the effort is "worth it" to drive a long distance and turn around and leave. They expect YOU to make the effort and preferably - at the holiday season. Kinda like ticking off the calendar that indeed, everyone got to see everyone at Christmas or Thanksgiving, get some pictures, and no big inconvenience for THEM.
Then there are the situations where no one likes the spouse of the relative, LOL. So visiting is not enjoyable, and often, means staying in a hotel, and that makes things even more expensive and like a chore. I know of more than one of those situations, too.
We had friends and family visit but we came back to NC much much more than anyone visited us. My family and friends were very gracious - there were times they had to go way out of their way to pick us up at airports . . . let us borrow cars instead of renting vehicles, etc. I think some willingness to work together is at the core of making it all work, and sometimes - there are issues that can get in the way of that cooperation (resentment at the family member leaving, for one thing).
Location: Some got six month some got one solid. But me and my buddies all got lifetime here
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NCyank
Ani, my family is EXACTLY like this. In fact, Brian and I have a lot in common here (I'll try not to go on too long....he's already vented a lot of my frustration). After I got married it was 15 YEARS before anyone from my family came to visit my house and my family. I was always expected to go 'home'. Granted, we had moved a few times but we had been home (both to my home and to DH's family) many times, spending our vacations, time, thousands of $$ on travel and hotels, running around seeing everyone else. I finally got worn out and told my family that I was coming home one last time (to my dad's house in PA) and that I wouldn't be coming back again until someone visited our home. Things were going to be equal regarding travel time back and forth. They ALL came to see me in PA....mom came from NJ, brother came down from NY, other siblings and extended family were already in PA. Yeah...well, I didn't expect it to be a last goodbye!! My dad has since been down for two weekends and my mom still hasn't made the trip from NJ to NC. I haven't seen her in several years, I guess it doesn't bother her enough to get herself on down here. *shrug* That's it, two weekend trips in nearly 18 years. I have been back to my dad's for 2 weekends also....just to keep it 'even'. And get this, I got grief at Christmas when, a week before Christmas, the entire family decided to go to my dad's for the holidays and expected us to join them. We already had plans to visit the IL's and DH's brother was coming here so we couldn't easily arrange the travel on such short notice. Bah humbug!! Never mind that I have invited everyone to come here EVERY CHRISTMAS since I have been married.
This post just crushes me. Sometimes you're like, "I'm living in this really great area, I'm doing better than what I was doing back home, I'd LOVE to be able to show you guys around so you can see what we've accomplished". Nothing. You did the right thing though. At some point you just say "enough is enough" with the one way visits.
One thing that got me was that there were one or two other trips back up that we had specific things that we wanted to do after that longer itinerary (either had tickets to a Rangers game at the Garden with a hotel in Manhattan, or taking my wife to a Broadway show for her birthday). Of course we'd get the, "Are ya comin' over to visit". I'd have to tell them no, because we'd have specific things that we were up there doing. I'm sure there was some disappointment but that could've been alleviated with a trip to see us.
On one of the trips up we bought my nephew a Cars backpack with wheels. It was one of the things we bought for him, partly for like...you know...you can pack a few things in this backpack we got ya for when you come down to visit us. It was a friendly little hint. My wife and I were crushed when the first thing out of my sister's mouth was, "Oh great, we can use this for when we go to Disney in Orlando". Now, I'm not saying that we're better than Disney, but it underscored how much they wanted no part in coming here. They'd go anywhere else BUT to see us.
For those who have family and friends who do make the time to visit you, be VERY lucky that they actually do.
Ani, I can understand all of that to a point. However, my dad has been at a union job for a long time and has 7 weeks of vacation each year plus a few flex days. That's nearly two months each year to do what he wants with his time. Even when we had just a week (now we have 2.5?) of official vacation we were expected to do all of the traveling, all of the visiting. That's unreasonable. We never got to enjoy our vacations as vacations...we were always traveling/visiting!! We were able to combine trips when DH's family was in MD, we made a wild week of travel and fit everyone in, with little kids in tow, car seats, strollers and all the stuff. We even tagged along on some business trips and the kids and I could go visit while DH worked...several times the kids and I traveled without DH. It truly wore me out over the years. Adding insult to injury, dad would call me when he had a week of vacation and tell me he was 'bored sitting around the house' and in the next breath ask when we would be up to see him. Gee dad, we don't have enough vacation time to be BORED, maybe you could come down here?
I sure hope it isn't as common as you think it might be Ani, it's a terrible way to treat your family.
Location: Some got six month some got one solid. But me and my buddies all got lifetime here
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NCyank
Ani, I can understand all of that to a point. However, my dad has been at a union job for a long time and has 7 weeks of vacation each year plus a few flex days. That's nearly two months each year to do what he wants with his time.
My mother doesn't work and my father works Thursday nights and Friday nights doing security for a car dealership. That's a lot of time in between for a drive or a flight, lord knows we did it with a lot less time.
One thing that got me was that there were one or two other trips back up that we had specific things that we wanted to do after that longer itinerary (either had tickets to a Rangers game at the Garden with a hotel in Manhattan, or taking my wife to a Broadway show for her birthday). Of course we'd get the, "Are ya comin' over to visit". I'd have to tell them no, because we'd have specific things that we were up there doing. I'm sure there was some disappointment but that could've been alleviated with a trip to see us.
For those who have family and friends who do make the time to visit you, be VERY lucky that they actually do.
Brian, we would have been wiser to do more of what we wanted instead of only visiting family. My IL's lived near DC for a while and we never once went in to the city because IL's didn't want to go and we felt bad doing things without them. My kids haven't seen the White House, Lincoln Memorial, Smithsonian Museums....and we were always just 45 minutes away. If we could do it over again we would find a better balance between visiting family and having our vacation time. We've learned a lot since then though.
As for the bolded statement, I couldn't agree more. What a blessing to have family and friends who make you feel like you are worth the trip. Reading your posts (and knowing what we have been through), I almost can't wait for the kids to leave home so I can go and visit them.
I think it is very common, sadly. And I think many of us felt we had to do all that craziness w/ leaving our homes for holidays, making manic rounds to everyone's house/gatherings . . . and "fitting in" to all the demands and schedules. Even tho others would visit us (and I really appreciated that they did) we were still expected to "come home" for holidays. We would end up missing out on gatherings with OUR friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc.
One way we solved it - and this will NOT work w/ many people, especially w/ young children - was to fly out ON Christmas and/or Thanksgiving Day. Lower cost on tickets, too. Of course, no one available to pick us up at the airport so rental car was a necessity, but we found that usually, we preferred renting a car anyway b/c we hated to be held captive, Hee Hee.
We realized after about five years that it was really fragmenting OUR lives to always be the ones having to make the effort at holidays. So we started making July 4th a big deal, and cut back on holiday visits (fly in on Christmas, stay a couple of days, fly back out b/f or after the crowd so ticket prices were not crazy) We came back in July for the 4th and made plans months ahead for a big family gathering.
It gets harder and harder to work these things out as kids get involved in stuff . . . and honestly, if we had not moved back when we did, I think at this point, we would not be making so much effort. In fact, I think we would have tried to talk my parents into coming to visit us b/f or after a holiday, with our paying for their tickets - and then if my sisters and I could hook up during the year - my place or theirs - that is probably what we would have ended up doing.
I got the same treatment when I moved from Pittsburgh. I think it stems from every generation of my family that has been in America has lived in the same city. When I left, it was like I was dissing our "home".
Do I feel bad...no, at least not any more. My life is a million times better here. I wish my family would realize that it is better for me, my wife, and my daughter. But they never will. If it was my kid moving away for a better life, I would be happy for them. Unfortunately, I get the opposite.
How sad is it for me...we just had our first child, my mom's first grandchild. Did she come visit for the birth, no. Did she come for her baptism, no. Did she even send a card for x-mas, no. Insane.
Just don't let it get you down. Realize that you moved to make YOU happy, and give YOUR family a better life. If they can't realize that, that's there problem. Must be something in the water in PA that makes people crazy...
I think a lot of times, especially w/ grandchildren, there is a lot of resentment b/c the grandparents feel like - OH WELL. I will never really know this child anyway - they are "so far" away . . . so it is this attitude of resigning one's self to a sort of self imposed martyrdom (my son left; I am not a part of his life now; no one cares about ME).
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