Infidelity Repentance and Separatation Questions (abomination, woman, church, believe) - Christianity - - City-Data Forum

brokenheartintn · 09-13-2009, 02:45 PM

Hi There

I am writing because I am at the most difficult place I have ever been in.

About 5 years ago my husband who professed strongly to be a christian and by all appearance stood for all the things you would expect, confessed an affair he had with a friend of mine that stretched over a years time. Having several children and with him repenting and much counsel to stick it out and forgive that is what I chose to do... A few months later he confessed yet another thing he was into, which was beastiality and porn, which he actively participated in both. Again, I tried to see him as the "new creature" that everyone encouraged me in... I relied heavily on the Lord and did everything I could possibly think of over the past 5 years to look at the positive and move on...

Well 5 years later and several children I am now to the point that I don't love him. I cannot stand him to touch me, I don't hate him and in many ways feel I can forgive him for what he has done, but the pain and memories and damage created by the things he was into are just too much..

I am at the point of wanting to try a separation to see if it will somehow re-kindle some lost feelings. My question is this....

If after 5 years of trying to piece this together and make it work would I be biblically wrong as a christian to pursue a separation/divorce. He has not done anything in this time to make me think he has been back to his old habits. I am miserable because of my feelings for him and I feel like I have really tried with everything I have and relying on the Lord to get through this.

I am looking for any advice/suggestions on what to do. There is no other man in my life, I am not looking to go crazy and start dating and if it wouldn't be for my children I know I would have left 5 years ago.

Thanks in advance

thrillobyte · 09-13-2009, 02:51 PM

That's a tough one. Jesus gave you a free pass to a divorce when he committed adultery. The question is: does it come with an expiration date once you forgive him?

Luvvarkansas · 09-13-2009, 03:11 PM

He "actively participated" in bestiality? Urp.

That would be a hard one for me to get past, frankly.....even worse than the affair with the friend.

brokenheartintn · 09-13-2009, 03:24 PM

Yes and that is honestly the hardest thing for me to get past no matter how good he treats me now and no matter how good he is as a father.

I have tried, God knows I have tried and relied on Him totally over the years.

Without knowing all the sensitive details and only knowing of the affair with a woman many believers I know would say I am looking at this wrong and I have to forgive him its my duty as a christian and with that true forgiveness means we stay together..

My question is...can one forgive but then choose to move on due to the consequences of the sin and what all it has effected??

Am I wrong for having attempted to work through this and now 5 years later coming to the realization that its not going to work, want to separate/divorce?? I stayed in this for my kids but I am miserable, he does not have a wife that looks up to, adores and loves him like she should and my kids sense and know there is something wrong....

I know God is all powerful and can restore and heal..... however, there are things this has effected and strike at the core of a marriage, I just don't know it can ever be repaired at this point... I wish I would have left when he first confessed then I wouldn't have to deal with looking like the unforgiving bitter wife that doesn't care about her kids future and wellbeing...

thrillobyte · 09-13-2009, 03:29 PM

katjonjj · 09-13-2009, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheartintn

Yes and that is honestly the hardest thing for me to get past no matter how good he treats me now and no matter how good he is as a father.

I have tried, God knows I have tried and relied on Him totally over the years.

Without knowing all the sensitive details and only knowing of the affair with a woman many believers I know would say I am looking at this wrong and I have to forgive him its my duty as a christian and with that true forgiveness means we stay together..

My question is...can one forgive but then choose to move on due to the consequences of the sin and what all it has effected??

Am I wrong for having attempted to work through this and now 5 years later coming to the realization that its not going to work, want to separate/divorce?? I stayed in this for my kids but I am miserable, he does not have a wife that looks up to, adores and loves him like she should and my kids sense and know there is something wrong....

I know God is all powerful and can restore and heal..... however, there are things this has effected and strike at the core of a marriage, I just don't know it can ever be repaired at this point... I wish I would have left when he first confessed then I wouldn't have to deal with looking like the unforgiving bitter wife that doesn't care about her kids future and wellbeing...

You fulfilled your vows. He doesn't deserve you. The fact that you continue to stay with him only shows him that he can do anything and you will still be there in the morning.

I hope that you will do what you feel is right for you. Because the children will follow your lead and if you don't demonize him in front of the kids then the divorce/separation may allow them to have a better relationship with you both. I wished my parents had divorced when I was little so I wouldn't have had to live in a household devoid of love.

Just my 2 cents.

leevan · 09-18-2009, 12:25 PM

Hi,

You chose to marry your husband. Yes you had the option to divorce him when you found out about the adultery but at that point you chose to forgive. You cant then now say you have tried and then divorce your husband. GOD in this case will hold you accountable.

As the Holy Sciptures commands us (not advice us some people forget that Sripture is from GOD and hence a command that comes with consequences when broken and can cost where you spend eternity. Just ask Lucifer/satan and Adam&Eve)
Yes you are miserable and the Holy sciptures have told us what to do in this case. What do you do you say? You SEPERATE.

Why SEPERATE instead of DIVORCE? GOD already asnwered that in the Scriptues.

1Co 7:10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to leave her husband.
1Co 7:11 But, indeed, in case she does leave, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to send away his wife.

And remeber if you do decide not to go back know that you can not get remarried and will have to stay single. WHY? The Holy scriptures answer us again

1Co 7:13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, if he is willing to live with her, let her not leave him.
1Co 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.
1Co 7:15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let them leave; a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us in peace.
1Co 7:16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

Thank GOD your husband is not an unbeliever. He just has flaws that can be changed by GOD not by you or by him. GOD will change him. GOD wants reconcilliation at all cost if possible. Adultery and desertion are the only grounds fro divorce and your husband has told you what he has done and you have forgiven which shows that you have Christ in you and doesnt mean you are weak.
Despite wahat people or your church advice. I believe you chose to forgive your husband out of yourlove and fear for GOD Almighty whom you love more than your husband.

You cannot then now divorce your husband after seperation because of how you feel. WHY? You made a covenant before GOD Almighty when you married your husband as wig GOD has the witness.

You choose whom you will obey? To please your feelings or to please GOD by Obeying His commandments.

Please, Please choose to abey GOD. You might think you dont love your husband but Jesus Christ can bring that love about. Concentrate on Loving GOD our Lord Jesus Christ your Saviour instead of trying to look for a way out in your current marriage. There is nothing to hard for Christ. That love you think you dont have Christ can bring it about.

Do not divore your husband but please obey GOD instead. this life is short compared to eternity.

Can I also point you to the site below where all this types of questions have been answered from a biblical point of you and not based on our feelings.

Please go to the link below that shows Q/A of people who ask similar questions
Answers to Questions: Topics Beginning with the Letter "D"
I had an affair and divorced my husband. Now I am married again. Is it wrong to stay married to this second man?

GOD Bless

What you need to remember is that when you stand before the LORD Jesus Christ you wont be judged based on your feeling but judged based on what you did in regards to following the Holy Scriptures and carrying your cross as your LORd and Master Jesus Christ did when he walked this earth that He created to die for your sins and mine and your husbands.

GOD Bless

B

MysticPhD · 09-18-2009, 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leevan

What you need to remember is that when you stand before the LORD Jesus Christ you wont be judged based on your feeling but judged based on what you did in regards to following the Holy Scriptures and carrying your cross as your LORd and Master Jesus Christ did when he walked this earth that He created to die for your sins and mine and your husbands.

GOD Bless B

Virtually everything in this post is an abomination before God and in no way represents our true God or what He desires from us. Where there is no love there can be no spiritual growth. Spiritual growth and maturity (not blind obedience to a bunch of primitive rules or laws) is what God wants from us. Let your inner Jesus and Holy Spirit guide you in these matters . . . not superstitious religious fanatics adhering to literal reading of ancient writings that misrepresent God and our purpose. Just be certain that you know the inner voice is not motivated by any negative emotions (God is NOT the author of negative emotions.)

Reverend1111 · 09-18-2009, 01:30 PM

I'll say an amen to Mystic and pcamps. You go guys!

(Is that a good amen?!?)

Alpha8207 · 09-18-2009, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheartintn

If after 5 years of trying to piece this together and make it work would I be biblically wrong as a christian to pursue a separation/divorce.

Short answer: No, you would not be biblically wrong.

Long answer: Pray and fast and follow God's prompting. The marriage relationship is of utmost importance to God and is a reflection of our relationship to Him and His relationship to the church.

We should take all of our decisions regarding ending a marriage or leaving a spouse VERY seriously....becasue God does. But that does not mean that it's NEVER justified.

I pray for clarity for you.