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Old 03-17-2018, 06:56 AM
Status: "Can kindness win?" (set 2 days ago)
 
Location: Here and now.
10,383 posts, read 2,816,810 times
Reputation: 11122

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Quote:
Originally Posted by viridianforest View Post
Understand that we do live in a society that is about their "furbabies". I cannot say how many times I have seen people choose their dogs/cats/whatever pet they cherish more over family. In my mind, these people don't have their priorities in order. Personally, I used to be one of them, but one day after having my first child, it truly clicked that my pets were not near as important as my husband, our child, or family members and friends that we cared for. I love animals, and they make wonderful companions a lot of the time. There are plenty of great health benefits from having pets, but they aren't more important than the lives of people. There were even family members I remember dealing with and I didn't like two of their little obnoxious dogs around my baby, but they did not care so we made sure our child was not placed in that situation in the first place. Although I always hated when they say, "Oh, I know when we pass away, you'll give our dogs a good, loving home and continue to care for them for us, won't you?" and I would say, "Um, no." Because they were not well trained and spoiled rotten pampered pooches that would not be a good fit for our family. They would give me like this death glare like, "How dare you."

Setting that thought aside, it was rude of them to rush and get a dog if they did so intentionally knowing how you both felt about dogs in the home. Also, it needs to be considered you are in their home and their rules stand. If they choose to get a dog in their home then that is the way it is whether it's in your beliefs or not. That was their choice for their living space.

It truly might be better for you and your husband to be out on your own before trying to conceive, and most definitely before the child is born. This would ensure that you and your husband have a living space to call your own and raise your child. Far too often I have dealt with or heard about meddling in-laws that will kind of take the reigns whether they truly mean to in a malicious way, or don't exactly mean to because they were once parents, too, and only want to help, but in a way that may feel intrusive to the parents. If you and your husband have your own space it might clear the air a little bit with your folks because your mother can keep the dog and you can still have a family connection. You and your husband would be able to control that the dog is not allowed at your home and such and this would be reasonable.

She probably takes offense because you are telling her she can't have something she has grown attached to and probably see's that her precious dog could possibly do no wrong to your child because, "Oh, my sweet little Fifi here would never ever bite a sweet baby!" But she wouldn't know that, especially if the dog isn't accustomed to, or never been around children. Dog bites can happen with any dog given the right circumstance. I understand your concern, and the offense on your end because you probably expected them to be jumping up and down with joy, or super excited to think about a grandchild in their arms. It hurts, I totally understand, and it's okay you and your husband feel hurt.

Don't give up on finding a support system. After conceiving you'll still have 9-10 months to do so. Even if your husband isn't home a lot of days, perhaps try to find a pregnant women group, or a new mom group and look for some support. There are plenty of wonderful women out in this world who have their hearts break if they hear about a woman that is pregnant and lonely without a wonderful support system and probably wouldn't mind talking with you when they can or even being with you when you go into labor. Maybe look into a doula - although, they do tend to cost money, see if you can find a possibly affordable one. Doula's, as long as they are trained and have experience, are wonderful to have around during the labor and birth process. You may even find a doula that needs to do volunteer hours and might stay with you for free or a minimal fee.

Once you are pregnant and going to have a baby in a few months, the reality might get to them like, "We're going to be grandparents!" They may start getting excited then. Perhaps they're afraid you mentioning having a child is all talk and they don't want to get excited before anything is official. It's different when someone talks about having a baby as opposed to when someone is actually going to have a baby.

Make sure you and your husband would be having a baby for the right reasons. It does sound like a stressful scenario that your husband is gone a lot of the time due to the nature of his work. Having a new baby around the house is an awful lot of work. You will be extremely tired from waking up at odd hours and not sleeping more than a few hours at a time. You will be learning a lot about your baby in their first year, too. You will constantly be learning what they like and don't like. If there is a time in the close future that your husband will be at home more with you then it might be best to wait until then to have a baby because then both of you can learn about being new parents together and have a close bond with the baby. Some people make a mistake of thinking a baby will fill a loneliness void or bring a couple closer together, but this is not true. A baby will probably put a bit of a strain on your relationship, this tends to happen. Things are not the same after having a baby. You may find yourself jealous as you take care of baby as your husband sleeps for work the next day. You may get annoyed how your husband doesn't do certain things the way you would at first. Time for intimacy may not happen as often as you would both like. It will get harder to simply go out and do things, after all - the baby needs to come with you or be in the care of a responsible sitter.

Have you and your husband both sit down and talk about having children. How will you afford a new baby? Where will you live (it will put less stress on you to find out where you will live first and maybe even adjust to it)? Are you going to stay home while he works? Are you going to be expected to work after having baby and needing to find childcare? These are important topics to discuss.
You didn't read the original post, did you?
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Old 03-17-2018, 07:05 AM
Status: "Can kindness win?" (set 2 days ago)
 
Location: Here and now.
10,383 posts, read 2,816,810 times
Reputation: 11122
Quote:
Originally Posted by Winter Sucks View Post
I never knew Muslims had issues with dogs.
It's my understanding (admittedly limited) that some Muslims consider dogs to be unclean animals, but greatly admire cats. I believe there is also a legend that Muhammed once cut the sleeve from a robe he wanted to wear, rather than disturb a favorite cat who was sleeping there.

I don't know if either of these attitudes are true today, or ever were, but I have heard both more than once.
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Old 03-17-2018, 02:35 PM
 
704 posts, read 228,935 times
Reputation: 862
Quote:
Originally Posted by beebee mcgee View Post
Hello all. My husband and I have been married two years and are thinking about having our first child. I am 27 and currently living with my parents, and my husband is 30 and lives 350 miles away for work. He drives home twice a month. Since he is a contractor, we are waiting until he gets a more stable job until I leave my job near my parent's home and move out to join him. We are trying to save up money as fast as we can to put a down payment on a condo.

My husband was born muslim and I converted, so we don't believe in having dogs in the house. My mother knew this before we moved in two years ago, yet rushed to buy a dog before we arrived. We don't know why she made sure to buy the dog before we arrived. This upset my husband but nonetheless he has put up with it. Since he moved out for work 4 months ago things have gotten a lot better in this regard.

Anyways, I sat my mom down to tell her we were thinking about having a child. I want my parents to be in my child's life so I suggested I have the baby while I'm still at home so she can spend time with it before I move out. This would also take a lot of stress off my back and give me some company when dealing with the newborn. She was somewhat excited about it, but then I told her that my husband is totally against there being a dog in the house with a newborn baby. She immediately changed her expression and said 'The dog is staying no matter what.'

So I said, "Alright, then I guess we will move out before I have a baby," and she said, "Yeah I guess you will." I am just shocked that she is choosing an animal over a relationship with us and her grandchild, and also how she has no respect for my husband's feelings about dogs. Does she think the dog will care for her in old age? He has seen many dogs bite children and just does not trust them. I side with him on this issue. I don't think it's fair to tell him to just get over it. It's his child.

It just feels like she has chosen the dog over us, in which case, I will move out ASAP, give birth on my own, and have no one around to support me through this time. My parents are the only family I have besides my husband. Any advice?
What if the dog goes and she doesn't want or can take care your child?
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Old 04-05-2018, 05:18 AM
 
Location: Canada
5,131 posts, read 3,642,102 times
Reputation: 13539
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian_M;50627271[B
]This OP will never post back[/b]... one post wonder because the replys (all correct IMHO, you live by the rules of the roof you live under) aren't to her liking.
Well, the OP posted this in January. She hasn't come back since. She didn't hear what she wanted to.

REP GIVEN!! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT Brian.
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Old 06-21-2018, 09:45 AM
 
12,429 posts, read 14,565,228 times
Reputation: 14137
Quote:
Originally Posted by CGab View Post
My advice....DON"T get pregnant until you are actually living with your husband!!
best advice of all.
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Old 06-25-2018, 06:13 PM
 
Location: DFW
188 posts, read 49,222 times
Reputation: 326
Dogs are perfectly safe! Its how you raise them. They arent born bad..people F them up. Cats are safe too. Like others said, her choice and her right. Why are dogs not allowed?? No thank you...
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Old 08-02-2018, 06:19 PM
 
27,485 posts, read 44,973,761 times
Reputation: 14056
Quote:
Originally Posted by beebee mcgee View Post
Hello all. My husband and I have been married two years and are thinking about having our first child. I am 27 and currently living with my parents, and my husband is 30 and lives 350 miles away for work. He drives home twice a month. Since he is a contractor, we are waiting until he gets a more stable job until I leave my job near my parent's home and move out to join him. We are trying to save up money as fast as we can to put a down payment on a condo.

My husband was born muslim and I converted, so we don't believe in having dogs in the house. My mother knew this before we moved in two years ago, yet rushed to buy a dog before we arrived. We don't know why she made sure to buy the dog before we arrived. This upset my husband but nonetheless he has put up with it. Since he moved out for work 4 months ago things have gotten a lot better in this regard.

Anyways, I sat my mom down to tell her we were thinking about having a child. I want my parents to be in my child's life so I suggested I have the baby while I'm still at home so she can spend time with it before I move out. This would also take a lot of stress off my back and give me some company when dealing with the newborn. She was somewhat excited about it, but then I told her that my husband is totally against there being a dog in the house with a newborn baby. She immediately changed her expression and said 'The dog is staying no matter what.'

So I said, "Alright, then I guess we will move out before I have a baby," and she said, "Yeah I guess you will." I am just shocked that she is choosing an animal over a relationship with us and her grandchild, and also how she has no respect for my husband's feelings about dogs. Does she think the dog will care for her in old age? He has seen many dogs bite children and just does not trust them. I side with him on this issue. I don't think it's fair to tell him to just get over it. It's his child.

It just feels like she has chosen the dog over us, in which case, I will move out ASAP, give birth on my own, and have no one around to support me through this time. My parents are the only family I have besides my husband. Any advice?
You are the one giving the ultimatum

Where is your father in all this?
Have your parents had a dog before--like when you were a child or is this their first dog?

I think you would be better off to wait to have a child until your husband can be home in a normal work environment
Consider that he would miss so much of your child's early life if he were gone for one periods?

This is just a power struggle
Right now you are living in your mother's home and taking advantage of that to try to save money
Your mother is doing you a favor
If that is important--saving money--then you don't have any business having a child now
Plus it seems you want to use your mother for free child care when you return to work--
I assume that was your plan for your mother spending more time with the infant

I don't think this is going to work long term
I wonder whose idea having a child at this stage was--yours, your husband's or a joint decision

Where are your husband's parents?
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Old 08-22-2018, 10:31 AM
 
Location: New Britain, CT
582 posts, read 185,223 times
Reputation: 747
Solution: Don't live in your parent's house if you don't want a dog in the house. Will you not eat if your parents want pork chops or bacon and eggs? Don't put demands on your parents because you chose to change beliefs. And as somebody above said, where are your husband's parents?
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Old 08-28-2018, 12:40 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,571 posts, read 42,741,316 times
Reputation: 57252
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
That's an unfair comparison and a losing one for everyone and you are subscribing to catastrophic thinking. You live in HER home and you are giving her an ultimatum.

Your concerns are not unreasonable but if you want my advice then I suggest a compromise and you move out somewhere close by.
Your mother gets to keep her dog ( I can't imagine someone dictating to me that I have to get rid of my dear pet as if it's a disposable piece of trash)
You get to keep your baby safe
AND
Your mother can be nearby to offer all the support you need
She’s not worried about her possible future maybe baby’s safety. Her Muslim husband told her they can’t have a dog in the house, so not only does she find his dictating to her acceptable, but to everybody else too.
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Old 08-31-2018, 12:58 AM
 
11,625 posts, read 5,472,061 times
Reputation: 11000
Quote:
Originally Posted by beebee mcgee View Post
Hello all. My husband and I have been married two years and are thinking about having our first child. I am 27 and currently living with my parents, and my husband is 30 and lives 350 miles away for work. He drives home twice a month. Since he is a contractor, we are waiting until he gets a more stable job until I leave my job near my parent's home and move out to join him. We are trying to save up money as fast as we can to put a down payment on a condo.

My husband was born muslim and I converted, so we don't believe in having dogs in the house. My mother knew this before we moved in two years ago, yet rushed to buy a dog before we arrived. We don't know why she made sure to buy the dog before we arrived. This upset my husband but nonetheless he has put up with it. Since he moved out for work 4 months ago things have gotten a lot better in this regard.

Anyways, I sat my mom down to tell her we were thinking about having a child. I want my parents to be in my child's life so I suggested I have the baby while I'm still at home so she can spend time with it before I move out. This would also take a lot of stress off my back and give me some company when dealing with the newborn. She was somewhat excited about it, but then I told her that my husband is totally against there being a dog in the house with a newborn baby. She immediately changed her expression and said 'The dog is staying no matter what.'

So I said, "Alright, then I guess we will move out before I have a baby," and she said, "Yeah I guess you will." I am just shocked that she is choosing an animal over a relationship with us and her grandchild, and also how she has no respect for my husband's feelings about dogs. Does she think the dog will care for her in old age? He has seen many dogs bite children and just does not trust them. I side with him on this issue. I don't think it's fair to tell him to just get over it. It's his child.

It just feels like she has chosen the dog over us, in which case, I will move out ASAP, give birth on my own, and have no one around to support me through this time. My parents are the only family I have besides my husband. Any advice?
LOL! How kind of him. To put up with a dog being in someone else's home.
Quote:
I side with him on this issue. I don't think it's fair to tell him to just get over it. It's his child.
That's wonderful, and you all will do as you please in your own home when you have one.
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