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Recent studies have shown that couples who live together before marriage, doesn't give them any better of a chance to make it than those who marry quickly.
The whole "Live together for a while to find out who they really are" argument doesn't pan out.
True. In fact, studies conducted show those co habitating before marriage have a greater chance of divorce.
Marriage is no different to any other loving relationship. It's just a social and legal bond to say that two people are united. Nobody gets married in the knowledge they'll get divorced.
Nobody gets married in the knowledge they'll get divorced.
True - but people that walk into a marriage thinking that divorce is an option if it doesn't "work out" are setting themselves up in a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think many people walk into marriage with unrealistic ideas.
He/She will change.
He/She will stop that annoying addiction.
Someday he/she will go back to school/get a better job.
He/She will decide that they do/don't want kids.
His/Her mother will stay out of our relationship once we get married.
We will find things that we will enjoy together.
I'm not at all against divorce, but I do think that many people divorce when they realize that they didn't have that much in common to begin with.
I highlighted both of those sections because you point out something that I have been trying to mention. Of course adultery is big. I don't agree w/ adultery at all but what adultery is showing society is that marriage and staying w/one partner forever isn't realistic nor biologically natural. Heck, I've known and heard of many individuals who have cheated on their partner at least once during the marriage and the other partner has no clue about it.
The second piece I highlighted has to do with what I mentioned earlier. A lot of times marriages and relationships are about convenience and fear. Some people stay in relationships with someone they feel 'neutral' about because they are scared of change and like the familiar rituals they experience with their current partner. Others are scared of what it is like to be alone or single again. They like the feeling of someone being by them, even if the feelings aren't mutual or the "spark" isn't there anymore.
Instant gratification is what comes naturally to most of us. When we live only by our primal urges, life becomes nasty, brutish and short.
There is a price you pay for not giving in to instant gratification. And there's a price you pay if you don't. In most cases, the price you pay for not giving into instant gratification is a small one compared to the one you pay down the line for giving in to it.
PS to the naive and foolish who watch way too much TV/movies: that isn't reality. Keep telling yourself that till it sticks. I think part of the problem is that entertainment has become and more and more "realistic" such that a growing number of people are having a harder and harder time distinguishing between the 2. Scary.
A huge part of life as you get older is letting go of some of your dreams and fantasies and realizing that many of them simply aren't going to come true...you take what you can get. But also realize that it doesn't mean you have to be miserable either; you can have a really great life if you keep your expectations realistic.
You are sooooo right about that fist paragraph. It took me until I was 35 to begin realizing how brainwashed I was by Hollywood. I hope today's young people figure it out sooner than I did. Sadly most probably won't.
Now that I'm 40 and have let go of some unrealistic expectations, I can see the wisdom of what you say in your 2nd paragraph as well.
'I have had long term relationships since then and there was talk of marriage but I was never interested. In my mind you can be just as successful in a relationship without being married. I've been in the same relationship now for five years, neither of us has interest in getting married (for our own personal reasons) that has nothing to do with "us". I love him, he loves me. We have a great relationship and it works
'
REPLY: But , how do you handle that God doesnt want you to live in sexual immorality ?
I think a good step in the right direction , would be for mandatory pre-marrital class offered in senior year of high school that teaches how to objectively choose a marriage mate ......... and a mandatory pre marriage counselling course prior to marriage., by law.
I sooooooooooooo agree with this statement. Most of us really don't know what to look for objectively.
The best book I've read on how to find a good mate is called Is He Mr. Right? It's written for straight women but is applicable to any relationship, gay or straight; men or women.
She says there are 5 dimensions to a successul marriage:
Comfort
Safety
Fun
Passion
Mutual Respect
Your potential spouse has to have a passing grade on ALL 5. A passing grade doesn't mean they're nearly perfect in every category, but they must be a solid pass (On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm thinking they need to be at least a "6" in each category). If they fail in even one category, you shouldn't marry the person.
She goes into detail in the book about what is included in each category.
I would make this book a requirement for high school graduation. Instead of reading Shakespeare in high school English, maybe kids should be reading this instead.
As evidenced by the posts on this thread, there are a lot of jaded an cynical people out there because most of us don't have the right emotional skill set to find the right spouse . I know I didn't. I personally didn't find anything of practical value in either my religious upbringing (too much in the way of high minded spiritual ideals) or in the popular culture (too much focus on only the passion aspect) to give me realistic expectations. My parents tried but they didn't get through. And yes, it's also true, most of us don't focus enough on being the right kind of spouse, either. But it's definitely easier to be the right spouse when you mesh well with the other person.
Last edited by mysticaltyger; 09-07-2010 at 03:23 PM..
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