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No one said anything to me when my grandma or even my own baby died.
I'm sorry about your grandma. I'm sorry about your baby.
The only grandparent I ever knew died when I was eight years old. Nana and I loved each other a great deal and got along beautifully. It doesn't hurt anymore, but I still miss her.
My mom miscarried at about five months. She talked to me about it when I was quite young. No one expressed condolences and the women all told her that she could have another child. It was a baby to her. She had, pretty much, chosen names. She actually sat and cried in front of me (I think I was 7 or 8 years old) because it was the anniversary.
Mental health today stinks, but at least it's available to some people once in a while.
It is like we create a secret test and score everyone on how responsive they were or weren't . . . but sadly, the person being judged doesn't realize they were taking a test.
It's not really a secret test. It's just common decency. Plenty of people pass the test with flying colors.
I have to say thats not true 90% of the time. Especially if you lose someone older or a baby/child. There is a very common thought of " Well they expected it" and " you can have another baby/God had a different plan". They also think " Theres nothing to talk about, they seem fine"......years later and im not fine. Im not happy when it comes to my baby (better about my grandma). Id LOVE for someone to give a hoot back then or now. Thats not because im "depressed" or anything, Im a mom who lost a baby, i cant flip a switch and "get over it already". I want a human to pass the gosh darn test!!
I think your cousin has difficulty to accept that your mother died and he or she might be under a shock. Or might be the person going through something you don't know. I would not judge for not sending condolences. My brother had a very good friend since they were very small they were very close. He died by a silent heart attack during his sleep. His parents informed us. My brother was shocked and he was deaf for few months he had difficulty to accept that his heart friend died so sudden in age of 38. So It can be anything. Still he has hard times when he see the family of his friend.
My brother-in-law's aunt died. We were not close, but we had socialized a bit, and we had been invited in the past to several parties at their house, as part of the greater family. So I send a sympathy card. Strangely, I later received from the daughter of the woman who died (my brother-in-law's cousin) a thank you card for my sympathy card. Over all the years that I have sent condolence cards to all kinds of friends and family, I have never before received a thank you for my card. Not that this is bad, but it was a surprise, and certainly I did not expect to be thanked so formally for sending a card. I guess it was just an effort to reach out, to deal with her grief by communicating by the people who expressed caring.
I know that everyone isn't going to abide by my standards, or my wishes, or my rules..To be honest, it's taken me a lifetime to realize this. I've had to develop more tolerance. I don't take every little thing "personally" now. Or, I try not to do this anymore for my own sake...I don't want to try to talk other people out of their feelings or hurts or "upsets." No one has to be exactly like me...We all have a right to our very own thoughts and feelings. But, I don't want to "stay mad" for long. Or, walk around with grudges that "chip-away" at my peace of mind...My grief over losing my entire family has been devastating. And, I want to concentrate on finding some joy and balance in my life today despite all of my losses.
There's also the possibility that something has happened to that woman also, unless you know for a fact that she is fine and dandy.
This post started me thinking that perhaps the way to handle this would be for the OP to send a nice friendly note to her friend, saying that you were wondering how she was doing--that you hadn't heard from her since your mother passed--and you just wanted to check in with her. (or something to that effect)
That would build a bridge over this troubled water, re-establish contact and move the relationship forward. It might elicit the expression of sympathy at your mother's passing.....but even if it didn't it would be a step in a positive direction and role model your expectation of how friends treat one another.
Avalon08: I can't think of anyone who didn't express condolences when my daughter died, although I was surprised at a couple of friends who didn't attend the services (on the other hand, I was surprised at some of the people who did attend it).
But the one that really surprised me is when my sister-in-law died 5 years ago. We have a large family spread out around there with lots of nieces and nephews and bunches of their own kids. Their kids - all those great-nieces and nephews - new my sis-in-law well, and not a single one of them bothered to attend the funeral. Two expressed condolences to my brother when he ran into them somewhere. This all left a bitter pill in my mouth. I chalk it up to youth being self-absorbed, but still... Never been able to think the same about them since. However, I don't live there, so I never developed enough attachment to them to make excuses for them.
It's proof that we don't do things like attend funerals or express condolences for the dead person. My sister-in-law darn sure didn't care who was at the services and who wasn't. It's for those left behind grieving.
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Bridge over troubled water
