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Old 11-12-2013, 02:23 AM
 
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I think one needs to be informed of the death but not necessarily to attend the funeral.

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Old 11-12-2013, 09:10 AM
 
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Okay guys I thought I would be weird if I didn't go. Even worse I thought I'd go there and say what a horrible person she was so she would forever turn in her grave and not rest but what I learnt here is that I have to respect those who are mourning. So I'll stay home when the day arrives and I will just have a normal day.
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Old 11-12-2013, 10:02 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
Our son was estranged from us when my husband died. The other kids abided by my wishes (but didn't agree with them) that we not let him know about the death until after the funeral. When his siblings called him the day after the funeral, he told them he already knew about his dad's death as an old friend from our neighborhood's dad was an EMT with the Volunteer Fire Department who came out to the house. So, he'd known before we did that his dad died, also knew (from the paper) when the funeral was, yet didn't attempt to contact any of us, and didn't seem too upset on the phone. The siblings were pretty hurt, but then understood why I hadn't wanted him to know, and why he was estranged~~by his own choice. He was the one estranged, and he didn't care enough about his dad to even contact anyone in the family to let them know he was aware his dad died and was sorry to hear it.
What you did was take it upon yourself to make a decision that wasn't yours to make. You can't know what people think at the time of someone else's death. You took upon yourself to do that. Almost certainly, you made sure what what was will continue to be.

It takes the bigger person to reach out to the other in times that that to make peace, set a new direction and perhaps bring a family together. By reinforcing the old, no matter who started it, the death of the Father and Husband were in some respects, diminished. I note that you never mentioned the wishes of your husband, only yours.

It's not too late.
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Old 11-12-2013, 11:43 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
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We were estranged from FIL when he died. A cousin looked up our address on the tax assessor's website and came to our door to tell my husband. The problems that FIL had with us were not things we were able to change (he disowned my husband because we didn't have a son, I wasn't able to have more children, and my husband wouldn't divorce me and go have a son with someone else), and we had done everything we could to include him in our family and make sure he got to see his grandchildren, he was the one who quit speaking to us and dropped us from his life. We went to the funeral. Most of the people there were polite to us, there was a cousin's wife who made a fuss about us neglecting the old man while he was alive and then expecting a front-row seat at the funeral (I took her aside and explained exactly what his problem with us had been, although I really didn't owe her an explanation).

Anyhow, the person who died is not going to know who goes to the funeral. When you go to the funeral, it's mostly for closure and to show your respect for that person. So go if you want to and don't go if you don't want to.
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Old 11-12-2013, 02:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
We were estranged from FIL when he died. A cousin looked up our address on the tax assessor's website and came to our door to tell my husband. The problems that FIL had with us were not things we were able to change (he disowned my husband because we didn't have a son, I wasn't able to have more children, and my husband wouldn't divorce me and go have a son with someone else), and we had done everything we could to include him in our family and make sure he got to see his grandchildren, he was the one who quit speaking to us and dropped us from his life. We went to the funeral. Most of the people there were polite to us, there was a cousin's wife who made a fuss about us neglecting the old man while he was alive and then expecting a front-row seat at the funeral (I took her aside and explained exactly what his problem with us had been, although I really didn't owe her an explanation).

Anyhow, the person who died is not going to know who goes to the funeral. When you go to the funeral, it's mostly for closure and to show your respect for that person. So go if you want to and don't go if you don't want to.
@ the bolded, yeah I might have that problem too.
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Old 11-12-2013, 03:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
I think that for someone to estrange themselves from their parents (or a parent) it would be for a very, very good reason...death doesn't or wouldn't change that hurt that they must have experienced beforehand.
Not necessarily. I am estranged from two sons from a first marriage. The reason...their mother made them choose sides and involved them in the divorce (they were in their 20's). They believed whatever lies she told them, no matter what I said. I was in the military 20 years, gone 6 months at a time. During those years she constantly complained to them (not me) that I was never there, although she enjoyed life as the wife of an officer.

I haven't seen them in almost 20 years. They knew when their grandparents passed, but didn't acknowledge them either. So the hurt can be on the other side too. The parent isn't necessarily the one that caused it.
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Old 11-12-2013, 03:44 PM
 
Location: SWFL
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
Okay guys I thought I would be weird if I didn't go. Even worse I thought I'd go there and say what a horrible person she was so she would forever turn in her grave and not rest but what I learnt here is that I have to respect those who are mourning. So I'll stay home when the day arrives and I will just have a normal day.
That sounds like a good plan if you do it when that comes. You don't need to give or make more grief for yourself by getting all mad. By grief, I mean emotional turmoil.
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Old 11-12-2013, 04:09 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
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As the child, I would do whichever made me feel better. Helpful hint....You will not be able to undo not going, so unless you are sure, it is better to take the high road. At that point they cannot do anything to hurt you, and you will have comfort in having done "the right thing."
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Old 11-12-2013, 04:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
As the child, I would do whichever made me feel better. Helpful hint....You will not be able to undo not going, so unless you are sure, it is better to take the high road. At that point they cannot do anything to hurt you, and you will have comfort in having done "the right thing."
If by high road you mean going to the funeral, IMO it costs me too much money and time to go there and faux some crocodile tears. I do NOT love her, if she dies, its like hearing that a celebrity you knew died but you were not even fond of them. So what? You just switch channels & keep it moving.

And yes, I'm sure about my feelings for this woman, I have tried to love her, tried to forgive her but she hurt me so much people I'm surprised I'm still contemplating going to her funeral, most people in my position would not go at all or just pop champagne once she is gone!
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Old 11-12-2013, 09:15 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
To those who have estranged relationships with their parents. Say you no longer keep in contact with them .If they die, would you attend their funeral or just have a normal day as though nothing happened
You should go. Not for anyone else but for yourself. You can mourn the fact that you have lost the chance to have a good relationship with him/her. If you feel uncomfortable then leave.

Obviously this advice only applies if you do not have to travel and if you are not going to be stressed out by seeing undesirable people there.
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