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I do not like feeling this way, but I do. Let’s call my colleague “Jon.” I have worked for “Robert” since 1986, with one minor and only partial interruption. Bob’s and my relationship, especially through 1998, was often stormy . Jon was hired in 1990, partially with my input. He is six years younger than me but he had a lot of things I lack; charisma and an easy way with people. During the early years, when it took courage, he stuck up for me during some of my fights with Bob. I remember one, especially, in December 1990.
As time went on I started to detect a certain amount of self-interest in his apparently benevolent behavior. One night in April 1993 when Bob and I were riding into New York City from the suburbs, Bob had referred to Jon as my “friend.” I said “he’s a friendly competitor.” In October 1995 his wife gave birth to a baby, their first of three. My wife had just gotten pregnant. We visited with him out in New Jersey. It was a pleasant visit until other friends of theirs came over. Jon’s wife handed my wife her coat and said “don’t you have another appointment”? A few weeks later, on November 3, 1995, I left the office for a brief visit to my grandmother, who I was told was dying. Not ten minutes after I left the office my cell phone (then new to me) rang. It was Jon and he asked “where are you” and I said “paying a last visit to my grandmother at the nursing home. He said “Jim, we need you back here.”
At the end of 2012 we merged into another firm. At the beginning of 2014, after a year, Bob and I left to join a bigger NYC firm after Bob had a near-altercation with the new firm’s senior partner. Jon stayed behind. I was "excessed" from that firm in the city a year later, at the end of 2014. Bob kept me going with referred work until May 2017, when he was also "excessed." We reconnected. In August 2018 Jon was fired and escorted out of his firm by security, accused of serious wrongdoing. We took him in. We merged, more happily, with yet another NYC firm. We constitute their suburban office.
Jon’s father is about to pass away. I make a great show of sympathy. But in light of his conduct with my grandmother’s death (and he wasn’t much nicer when my stepfather died at the end of 2013), I feel strangely cold. Am I wrong?
Not sure why all this information was presented at the beginning that goes back 30 years, but just give a sympathy card and call it a day.
Then where was being "not a doormat" all these years when he committed all of these wrongs you keep documenting for us? Why not, as I said, go to his supervisor if he's a problem employee? Why do you think not being a doormat involves being nasty and unprofessional to someone in your place of employment? You could have nipped this in the bud years ago the first time he spoke disrespectfully to you, if you were interested in being "not a doormat."
Then where was being "not a doormat" all these years when he committed all of these wrongs you keep documenting for us? Why not, as I said, go to his supervisor if he's a problem employee? Why do you think not being a doormat involves being nasty and unprofessional to someone in your place of employment? You could have nipped this in the bud years ago the first time he spoke disrespectfully to you, if you were interested in being "not a doormat."
As the years have gone by my ties to the most senior partner have improved. Also my senior partner basically saved this guy's life. What this gut does have going for him is the most powerful weapon in a service industry entity; a good book of business. Today, I actually told the senior partner just how I felt. He knows me and knows that I would remember not being able to say goodbye to my 91 year old grandmother in peace.
I had the guy at my son's Bar Mitzvah. I had him meet my closest friend, a person who is very similar to the thread subject in their positive ways, and they even look a bit alike. I asked him, a month or so later, what he thought of the thread subject. His reaction was "can he say something to anyone about anything and then another thing a minute later"? He picked up right away that the guy is as slick as a greased pig.
Then there won't be a problem in letting the bosses know how he's treating other employees, will there?
Again: why are you picking now and this situation to start something when you have, and have had, the opportunity any time he's a jerk to you to tell him off? Do you know how vindictive that sounds? Are you also one of those romantic partners who says nothing in the moment when your partner does something that bothers you, but then if they get a cold or something use that opportunity to start spouting nastiness about the problem you didn't take care of at the time? One of those parents or pet owners who doesn't punish when the child or pet does something wrong, then screams at them later over nothing? Deal with the problem while you're actually having it; don't wait until later when there's a completely different issue at hand, and one that has nothing to do with him treating you badly. FFS, it's just not that hard.
As I said before-- you're not actually wondering how/whether to show sympathy for a coworker you don't like; you're looking for 'permission' from people here to act out your revenge fantasy. It's unlikely you're going to get it. So make your own choices and do whatever you want, but accept whatever the consequences are of doing so. Have fun.
As I said before-- you're not actually wondering how/whether to show sympathy for a coworker you don't like; you're looking for 'permission' from people here to act out your revenge fantasy. It's unlikely you're going to get it. So make your own choices and do whatever you want, but accept whatever the consequences are of doing so. Have fun.
I think I'm a bit misunderstood. I am not an ogre. I normally feel great sympathy when someone is about to lose a parent. I lost my father at 15 after all.
I actually rather like working with the guy. He is a great "sunshine friend." I just wish he were there for people when they need him. It's a one-way street with some people.
You are making yourself a doormat by letting this guy drive your thoughts, intentions, and motivations. You two are worlds apart. He has you in an angry knot and probably doesn't care one way or another. It must take a toll on you to keep the tally of each and every thing that has happened with him (and I must assume others) for 30+ years. Liberate yourself -- let it all go.
I'm curious -- has writing and sharing this helped in any way or made you more angry or more resolute in your position?
You are making yourself a doormat by letting this guy drive your thoughts, intentions, and motivations. You two are worlds apart. He has you in an angry knot and probably doesn't care one way or another. It must take a toll on you to keep the tally of each and every thing that has happened with him (and I must assume others) for 30+ years. Liberate yourself -- let it all go.
I'm curious -- has writing and sharing this helped in any way or made you more angry or more resolute in your position?
Agree with this.
Interesting that OP is an attorney. I held a grudge against 3 attorneys (my incompetent attorney, the opposing attorney who lied about me and won the case and the judge who golfed with him) who stole thousands from me. Could not get those negative tapes out of my head for almost a year, replaying the lies, the what ifs, the evidence that was never presented, etc. Finally accepted that there is no justice in this world and that was the lesson I was being taught. I forgave them in my mind. I have my freedom back.
OP, I can't imagine carrying this for so many years. You're just hurting yourself.
OP, I can't imagine carrying this for so many years. You're just hurting yourself.
Having a long memory does not mean I'm "carrying this." I didn't think of this every day for 25 years. Having a good memory gives me certain advantages.
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