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I sold real estate for years, and prior to that I was an interior decorator. I still do some of that on the side, even though I no longer work outside the home full time.
I have always felt that our homes are an extension of ourselves and a reflection of our personalities. Personally, I don't understand how someone could feel at peace in the midst of chaos -hoarding, piles of dirty dishes, laundry laying everywhere, toys perpetually all over the floor, worn clothing laying right where one took it off...for days...used cups and glasses and even bowls cluttering up bedside tables, piles of papers and books and mail left sitting around for weeks...that sort of stuff bothers me. Needless to say, actual FILTH bothers me even more - bedding that's so seldom washed that the sheets and pillowcases look greasy, crumbs perpetually in the crevices of sofas, dried food stuck to the stove and sink, a fridge littered with drips and bits of food, dirty sinks, rings in the bathtubs, stinking toilets, overflowing litter boxes, stale cigarette smoke...AUGH!
And believe it or not, even when selling real estate, it was very common to walk into a house (in just about any price range by the way) and find one or even all of the above. It always amazed me how some people live on a daily basis. And in some cases, this was the "cleaner" version!
For me - my house is my oasis. It's where I recharge. I count on it being a sort of center of peace and beauty in a sometimes chaotic world. So the ambiance is very important to me - I love textures, scents, visual beauty, harmony, etc. I am an artistic person and my home is a reflection of the people and things that I love - family photos, mementos, original art, books, music. I love to relax at home and be able to look around and experience THESE things - I don't want that tactile experience cluttered with dirty dishes, junk piled up, clothing scattered, weirdly funky smells, dysfunctional living arrangements (odd or inconvenient floorplan or furniture layouts) or dirt on the floors.
I keep a clean and organized house - from inside my pantry to my front porch. I make the bed up every day, I make sure that all dishes are cleaned and put away at the end of each day, and I have my coffee pot ready to brew the next morning. I get up each morning and after I make up the bed, I go around and turn on a few "strategic" lamps, light a scented candle or two, and either open my back door so that I can hear the sound of windchimes, or I may put on some favorite music. I open all the blinds and let the light stream in. In the wintertime, I light my gas fireplace so that the dogs and I can enjoy the warmth and beauty of our fireplace.
When I was selling real estate, it did disturb me to go into homes that were so cluttered or dirty that it was obvious that some sort of dysfunctionality was going on.
One thing that is telling, I think, is that I do not have any close personal friends whose homes are messy or dirty either - and they don't just pick up or deep clean when company is coming over. Their homes are always neat and clean. That's how they live every day - and that's how I live every day. So I guess birds of a feather do flock together.
I also married a man with the same standards, thankfully. We both actually enjoy maintaining our home together, and every week we are doing something together in that regard - working in the yard, building something, cleaning or reorganizing the garage, pantry, closets, storage building, attic - you name it. We clean the house together, and we also both get a bit antsy if we've been really busy and we fall behind in our cleaning (like allowing the floors to get dirty if we've been working outside all weekend, that sort of thing). We're a good match in that regard. I am VERY GLAD to be married to someone with the same standards.
An active household is always going to have at least a few cluttered surfaces. I can't imagine not seeing books and papers, along with the occasional dish or glass from a late night snack, when I head downstairs in the morning. I'm accepting of a jacket that didn't quite make it to the closet and instead was draped over the back of a dining room chair or a pair of shoes sitting on the stairs waiting to be put away. Signs of family life don't generally bother me, but filth absolutely does. A dirty, smelly refrigerator? That I would never abide. A crusty bathroom sink, a stained toilet, and a slimy tub? Yuck! But a basket of clothing in some stage of laundering tucked in the corner of the family room and a backpack or three in a heap by the door? I can handle it.
I'm sure we all know that 'clean' is relative. So is 'neat," "tidy"...'dirty' or 'filthy.'
I do not clean or keep my house in order -- and tell all my friends that. They've been forewarned that if they come to my house, I need a week's lead time (or minimum a couple of days) to get the place what I consider presentable for company.
(But that's not an issue because with people working and busy we have to make plans at least a week ahead to get together anyway. And I almost always go to their house, partly so I DON"T have to clean up.)
They know that if Gd forbid I get sick at work or drop dead-- when they go into my house they'll find underwear hanging on doorknobs, laundry on tables, dirty dishes in the sink, food, vitamins or grocery bags out on the counter -- and clothes and magazines and books on half my bed My frig is clean, for the most part. not pristine. But certainly closer to that than 'hoarder house." The ONE thing I do keep 'clean' is toilets -- can't STAND water rings. Go figure.
I have a friend who keeps her place immaculate. you could eat off the floor. I just not interested in spending my time cleaning. And of course all the clean folks say -- "It doesn't take that long." well I dont' care if it IS only 10 minutes a day, I don't want to spend my time that way.
I was raised that MY room could be as I liked. Then only thing that HAD to remain neat was communal spaces - LR, DR, bathroom, etc. Consequently, at my home just me I don't care to stay on top of the cleaning. BUT when I take trips with others or share spaces like hotel rooms I am anal about keep shared quarters neat and clean for all. That's just common courtesy. (Which of course some people don't have. Because I'd imagine we've all shared spaces with people who were not thoughtful about the fact that OTHERS also had to use or share the space.)
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People who are slobs in their house usually are slobs in their yard also.
I don't know about that. When I was huose hunting I saw houses with GREAT landscaping and curb appeal -- that made you think oh I want to see that house. Then you get inside and it's 1965 all over again.
And vice versa -- houses with NO curb appeal and dead grass -- that my agent twisted my arm to see. And it's done up to the nines, latest upgrades, etc. Sometimes people are "into" one kind of cleaning or upkeep -- and not another.
Just so you know, keeping the average house neat and clean is NOT all that time consuming. Picking up in the evening should really only take each person about ten minutes. Doing the dishes after each meal - ten to twenty minutes max if you have a dishwasher. Making up a bed and picking up your clothes - five minutes. Cleaning a tub or shower after use - 2-3 minutes. Once a week deep cleaning - about an hour IF you stay on top of things and only have to mop, sweep, vacuum, dust and empty small trash cans - that sort of thing. About once a month, you can clean blinds, ceiling fans, under furniture, etc. and this may take an hour or two.
In other words, if you're not a slob every day, and pick up or clean smaller things as you go along, which takes just a few minutes each day, your house will STAY pretty clean and neat, and it's not a life altering, earth shaking event to do your weekly "deep cleaning."
Of course it only takes 'minutes.' But I still don't feel the need to do it. But it's just me. My mess isn't bothering anyone else. And I'd rather not do it on a daily basis.
The RARE times someone comes over, I tidy up.
And when I host out of town college friends for a reunion weekend every year I take that week off for vacation, relax, do all my dr/dentist appointments, car maintenance, catch up with other friends and clean the house to spotless. I use that as my time to get the place in order, and not have to worry about going to work also.
Then over the course of months, it slides back to....clothes on tables, dishes in sink, bills piled up, etc.
As a matter of fact I've hosted them so many years, and we've been friends for so long, now I just clean all but my office and toss everything in there. I clean what they SEE, and leave the rest.
Would I have people over with the house the way I usually keep it? No. I'm not depressed, I'm not lacking in self esteem, It's not that I must think I don't deserve better...I just don't think I need to do certain chores daily or clean house to a level that doesn't interest me. It's not that important to me. For those that want to play psychologist and delve into WHY it's not important for some people to clean house. Have at it....glad they have the time to wonder about things like that. That's what forums and conversation is all about.
Of course it only takes 'minutes.' But I still don't feel the need to do it. But it's just me. My mess isn't bothering anyone else. And I'd rather not do it on a daily basis.
Would I have people over with the house the way I usually keep it? No. I'm not depressed, I'm not lacking in self esteem, It's not that I must think I don't deserve better...I just don't think I need to do certain chores daily or clean house to a level that doesn't interest me. It's not that important to me. For those that want to play psychologist and delve into WHY it's not important for some people to clean house. Have at it....glad they have the time to wonder about things like that. That's what forums and conversation is all about.
It's your house of course, and your life, and apparently you're not bothering anyone else with your mess, so by all means, carry on.
One of my points in my posts was that as a REALTOR whose job it was to market and sell and find homes for customers, I always found it somewhat disturbing to walk into homes that were a dirty, sloppy mess. It did make me wonder why the inhabitants there didn't care who had to walk around their dirty underwear laying in the middle of the floor, or smell the funk in their kitchen sink, or reel back in horror when they pulled back the shower curtain.
It also interested me, in a sort of unsettled way, when I would walk into homes that were clearly dysfunctional - for instance where things were piled all over the place - useless things like old newspapers, the styrofoam pieces that ground beef comes in, junk mail that was months old...why were people impeding their daily life with this goop? And beds with crumpled, musty sheets, closets with clothing in heaps on the floor, or rooms with clothes thrown into a corner...sorry, I just don't get it. Life CANNOT truly be easier in the midst of such turmoil and mess.
I had an acquaintance once when I lived in military housing as a military wife - a woman whose husband was in the same unit mine was, so both our husbands were gone a lot at the same time. She and I each had a child under age 2. She lived two houses down from me, and would often show up at my door about 7 am - with a pot of coffee.
Please notice that I didn't say she was a FRIEND of mine - she wasn't. No friend of mine would show up regularly at my door before 9 am - with or without coffee. But this was before I knew how to stick to personal boundaries, so I would let her in...even though I really wanted an hour or so of peace and solitude in the morning before my daughter woke up.
She was clearly lonely and needed a friend, so at first I did try to be friends with her. She always wanted to come to my house, though - not the other way around - and would sit there for HOURS, going on about how lonely she was, how unhappy, how her husband didn't show her any respect or attention when he WAS home, negative negative negative all the time. She also talked a lot about how much she admired my home, my decorating, how neat and clean and pleasant everything always was. This part always irritated me, because HER HOUSE WAS A WRECK. Honestly, she needed to spend a few of those hours that she was sitting at my house doing something about her own house.
At first I thought maybe no one had ever "taught" her how to keep house. She seemed interested, so I would talk with her about furniture placement, lighting, the importance of the scent of a home and linens, that sort of thing. She was pretty sloppy personally as well - stained t-shirts, out of shape herself (at age 22 or so!), and her little boy was always, perpetually dirty. Now THAT was distressing to me.
One day a few days before our husbands came back home, she said, "I wish you would help me re arrange my furniture and spruce the place up as a surprise to my husband." I jumped at the chance! We went over to her house and both of us worked like slaves for two days cleaning and redecorating that dirty, messy, awful house. It was hard for me to be gracious when my daughter, who was a toddler, found a bolt up under the table, and nearly choked to death on it. Thank goodness for the Heimlich maneuver! Anyway, two days later, that house shined like a new penny! And the woman had made lasagne for her husband's homecoming, and even gone and had her hair done at a beauty salon.
A day or so after the men came home, we ran into both of them outside, and the husband was raving about how beautiful the house was, how shocked and thrilled he had been when he got home, how he loved relaxing in the home, what a difference cleaning the place up had made, how proud he was of his wife...never a mention of anything I might have helped with, so I figured she must have told him she'd done it all herself. OK - that could be our little secret.
Within two weeks, it was as if I'd never even stepped foot in that place. And no - it wasn't all the husband...if that was the case, the place would have been neater while he was gone. It was just a perpetual mess. And they were arguing like cats and dogs again.
I don't know what exactly the psychological reasons were for any of this, but I do know that whatever it was, I wanted no part of it any longer. The next time she came to my door with that damn pot of coffee, I told her we needed a change of routine. I told her she was welcome at my house in the afternoon...but I knew she wouldn't come over then, because her "stories" were on all afternoon. See, this was her life - my house all morning, and TV all afternoon. No wonder her house was a wreck.
It's your house of course, and your life, and apparently you're not bothering anyone else with your mess, so by all means, carry on.
One of my points in my posts was that as a REALTOR whose job it was to market and sell and find homes for customers, I always found it somewhat disturbing to walk into homes that were a dirty, sloppy mess. It did make me wonder why the inhabitants there didn't care who had to walk around their dirty underwear laying in the middle of the floor, or smell the funk in their kitchen sink, or reel back in horror when they pulled back the shower curtain.
It also interested me, in a sort of unsettled way, when I would walk into homes that were clearly dysfunctional - for instance where things were piled all over the place - useless things like old newspapers, the styrofoam pieces that ground beef comes in, junk mail that was months old...why were people impeding their daily life with this goop? And beds with crumpled, musty sheets, closets with clothing in heaps on the floor, or rooms with clothes thrown into a corner...sorry, I just don't get it. Life CANNOT truly be easier in the midst of such turmoil and mess.
I had an acquaintance once when I lived in military housing as a military wife - a woman whose husband was in the same unit mine was, so both our husbands were gone a lot at the same time. She and I each had a child under age 2. She lived two houses down from me, and would often show up at my door about 7 am - with a pot of coffee.
Please notice that I didn't say she was a FRIEND of mine - she wasn't. No friend of mine would show up regularly at my door before 9 am - with or without coffee. But this was before I knew how to stick to personal boundaries, so I would let her in...even though I really wanted an hour or so of peace and solitude in the morning before my daughter woke up.
She was clearly lonely and needed a friend, so at first I did try to be friends with her. She always wanted to come to my house, though - not the other way around - and would sit there for HOURS, going on about how lonely she was, how unhappy, how her husband didn't show her any respect or attention when he WAS home, negative negative negative all the time. She also talked a lot about how much she admired my home, my decorating, how neat and clean and pleasant everything always was. This part always irritated me, because HER HOUSE WAS A WRECK. Honestly, she needed to spend a few of those hours that she was sitting at my house doing something about her own house.
At first I thought maybe no one had ever "taught" her how to keep house. She seemed interested, so I would talk with her about furniture placement, lighting, the importance of the scent of a home and linens, that sort of thing. She was pretty sloppy personally as well - stained t-shirts, out of shape herself (at age 22 or so!), and her little boy was always, perpetually dirty. Now THAT was distressing to me.
One day a few days before our husbands came back home, she said, "I wish you would help me re arrange my furniture and spruce the place up as a surprise to my husband." I jumped at the chance! We went over to her house and both of us worked like slaves for two days cleaning and redecorating that dirty, messy, awful house. It was hard for me to be gracious when my daughter, who was a toddler, found a bolt up under the table, and nearly choked to death on it. Thank goodness for the Heimlich maneuver! Anyway, two days later, that house shined like a new penny! And the woman had made lasagne for her husband's homecoming, and even gone and had her hair done at a beauty salon.
A day or so after the men came home, we ran into both of them outside, and the husband was raving about how beautiful the house was, how shocked and thrilled he had been when he got home, how he loved relaxing in the home, what a difference cleaning the place up had made, how proud he was of his wife...never a mention of anything I might have helped with, so I figured she must have told him she'd done it all herself. OK - that could be our little secret.
Within two weeks, it was as if I'd never even stepped foot in that place. And no - it wasn't all the husband...if that was the case, the place would have been neater while he was gone. It was just a perpetual mess. And they were arguing like cats and dogs again.
I don't know what exactly the psychological reasons were for any of this, but I do know that whatever it was, I wanted no part of it any longer. The next time she came to my door with that damn pot of coffee, I told her we needed a change of routine. I told her she was welcome at my house in the afternoon...but I knew she wouldn't come over then, because her "stories" were on all afternoon. See, this was her life - my house all morning, and TV all afternoon. No wonder her house was a wreck.
Great post. I agree with you that life cannot be easier with living in such discord. That was point in my earlier post. My mother was borderline hoarder when I was a child. She wasn't emotionally attached to anything she just never threw anything away or cleaned up. It was very distressing to me as a child and I didn't really understand why I was distressed until I got older. When I started spending time at friend's homes and realizing they didn't live like we did. I felt comfort in their clean and tidy surroundings and I always wondered why our home was not like that. I usually spent all my time elsewhere. It was always bothered me that I could relax at home. On a rare occasion I had someone over, it was only after a long period of where I felt some trust where I wouldn't be judged. That was rare.
I know it was a big source of contention between my parents. My dad would get angry and make comments about the house. My mother didn't work in my younger years so it wasn't a situation of two busy working parents. My mom simply hated being at home. She was always on the go running here or there burning up most of the day with useless made up tasks. "Oh your grandmother needs a new purse" which turned into a all day event. First they had to grab breakfast, then hit every store in the tri county area, then it was lunch time, more running around. Then dinner and the day was burned up. Nothing ever got done. Day in and day out.
I took a great interest in homes, decor and it tapped into my creative side even when I was young. My mother actually told me I was odd when I would point out homes that I thought were amazing. She felt I was an odd child lol. Once I got out on my own, it was enjoyable to me to have this decor hobby. That is fine if people would rather do other things but I don't think keeping a extremely messy disorganized house is an excuse. There is a huge difference in my opinion on clutter vs filth. I think when people talk about mess they get worked up because they have a laundry basket that hasn't been put away yet. That is not the issue, its about truly being dirty. If you can't remember the last time you scrubbed your bathroom, you have a problem.
My parents divorced years ago and she still lives in a mess. I have organized her house numerous times for it to only look like a mess weeks later like I never touched the place. She blamed us kids quite a bit that we were the reason the house was always mess but now that she is single that obviously doesn't fly anymore. Sometimes she will make snide comments about my home about how nice it must be to afford this or that. It has nothing to do with income, its about will. I put the time in. She will ask me about decor and I even made a trip back home to help her re-do her living room. First it required a whole day of organizing and throwing stuff out. Then the next day shopping for new drapes and other items. She was completely indecisive so I helped her make some choices. By the time we got home she was too exhausted to put up the drapes or what not. I tried the next day and it was, well let's get lunch first and then other made up errands just to avoid the whole task. I threw up my hands at that point. It clearly doesn't interest her even with help. A few months later she sent me some cell phone pics. She finally got around to hanging up the new drapes. They were a wrinkled mess and she was fine with it. They were hung, her obligation was over.
My siblings are pretty much the same. One of them has a house for sale and its a wreck. She gets so pissed when the realtor's feedback is "the house is messy." Its a great place in an excellent location. She has showings all the time even in a slumped market. Of course her life is a mess too, I just think a lot of times both go hand in hand.
A lot of the "hippie" culture seems to have lost the importance of these types of things, cleaning up after oneself, personal responsibility, having functional things that work well, maintaining and putting them back in their proper place when done etc. They are still stuck in a "dysfunctional rut" but may think everything is hunky dory with how they are but if you look closely it is frustrating. The hippies and bohemians got a little confused with the horse and the cart. They sure like those weird foods though. Much of their behavior is very contradictory and makes no sense to me. Little things can make a huge difference in the quality of your life and future success and happiness. Be organized, have things in order. The U.S. is still experiencing a backlash from it, the boomer hippies. Takes them to balance out the "deep south" mentality I guess. The common sense balance is rare.
Thanks for your interesting comments.
I'm a Boomer Hippie. As is my husband. (He drew a peace symbol on his helmet in Vietnam.) It will horrify you to learn that I use a dishwasher, eat foods that will ensure I live to at least 94 (blue cheese dressing on raw cabbage sprinkled with wheat germ... mmmm.. yummy!) don't particularly care if there are dishes in the sink overnight, quit washing the walls in 1989 after my Auntie Rose died (she wasn't coming back to nag me about fingerprints so what the hell), proudly voted for George McGovern because I thought Richard Nixon was an uptight ***hole, never vacuum if the cat is around (it upsets him and I care about his feelings), can ride a horse if I take two Benadryl first (DH can shoe the horse and deliver her colt), have a cart on my patio that I bought from a Mexican who was probably illegal (he didn't ask for my papers - I didn't ask for his), seldom sort the papers on my desk unless they fall off onto the floor and think common sense is best applied when worrying about what is important and what isn't.
Worrying about what is in someone else's refrigerator isn't.
p.s. We live in a really good zip code. Turns out the Hippie Boomers were VERY responsible.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 03-06-2014 at 07:25 PM..
I for one, leave dishes in the sink overnight, sweep the floor weekly, etc...
I'm not one of those people that want to be on my death bed wishing I would have cleaned more, and spent less quality time with my family.
This.
I remember going on a scavenger hunt in elem school. One of the items was food with mold on it. We went to one of the girl's houses and her mom found a small container of some kind of sauce with mold on it. I was horrified, as that would never have happened in my mother's house. Now I realize my mother was a little neurotic about keeping things clean. She worked outside the home, then came home and cooked and cleaned until practically bed time. She hardly ever sat down. She could really have used some relaxation and I would have loved just to have sat and watched TV with her.
I tidy up when people are coming over. We're not slobs, but I have no problem letting dishes pile up for a day if I'm busy with other things. There is more to life.
I think there is a wide variety of "acceptable" in this thread. There is a difference between "tidy" and "clean." I would never prepare a meal on a dirty counter top, but on the other end of the island is a pile of mail that needs to be dealt with. I would never have guests over without cleaning the toilets, but there will be a pile of laundry waiting to be folded in the master bedroom, and it will remain there all weekend while I visit with my guests. Maybe when I'm retired I'll take the time to make the beds every day, open blinds, and turn on lamps. Maybe not, For now, I'm busy just trying to get myself and the kids out the door in the morning, and homework done, dinner prepared, etc. in the evening.
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My frig is clean, for the most part. not pristine. But certainly closer to that than 'hoarder house." The ONE thing I do keep 'clean' is toilets -- can't STAND water rings. Go figure.
