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I guess that's the different between pessimistic and optimistic people. Yes, getting cancer at a young age sucks. But you beat it - I call that pretty lucky.
The sad part is that you've now made the choice to live your life in fear, and choosing not to do things that would have made you happy and fulfilled. How many years have you wasted? And why do you have survivor's guilt?
I'm 9 months out of chemo facing a 60-80% chance at relapse (depending on the study) in 2 years - then it drops to 50% until I hit the 5 year mark. Relapse involves a stem cell transplant which would involve over 6 months out of work with no income, most likely losing my job (and health insurance), and facing death. Alone, by the way - my parents are 1000 miles away and have been of no financial, emotional, or logistical help.
Choosing not to do things that make me happy and fulfilled? Where did I ever say that? I am a well known young adult cancer activist. That makes me fulfilled. That doesn't mean that I can't be incredibly angry about the fact that everything I wanted out of life is closed to me. The Peace Corps and Foreign Service (an exam I passed at 22) bar me from even applying again until I hit at least 5 years of remission. I most likely cannot have children due to chemo. I'm 24 years old and can barely walk up to my 3rd floor office most days. I face serious physical challenges with no financial help, and am currently facing losing my car and apartment (that I share with roommates) because of all of my medical bills. This is after working full time through chemo in a professional job with insurance.
And of survivor's guilt? Maybe you are so callous as to not have empathy, but because I lived, every. single. thing. I do must count for those who can't be here. That's torture. That's the torture that has plagued Holocaust survivors for over 70 years (which you would know had you ever had a substantive relationship with one of them).
Am I a pessimist for living in fear of a lengthy, torturous, expensive process that is likely to happen and has a good chance of killing me? Am I a pessimist because when I was 4 months into my first job that I moved 1000 miles to get - knowing few people, debt free, and on a strong career trajectory I suddenly found myself diagnosed with a disease that defines me and leaves me trapped in a low paid workplace (because I cannot change jobs - though I have the qualifications to make more money elsewhere- because FMLA does not kick in until you have worked a year)? Am I a pessimist for being angry that I was misdiagnosed for 5 years which results in a much higher likelihood of my death? Am I a pessimist because I am stressed about being able to pay rent, or put gas in my car, or have money to eat every moment of the day? Knowing that one infection on my immunocomprimised body or one recurrence could cause even worse financial destruction?
I would call that realism. I didn't choose that life. And I bet I am making the best of it more than you are in your own, much less stressful life. But that doesn't mean I can't be angry about it and angry at the numerous support systems that fail me and my other young adult cancer survivor peers.
Giving ring the benefit of a doubt, he was trying to inspire. What happened from there, lord knows. But he had good intentions, just maybe poor word choice...
He was just plain mean.
But, obviously, charolastra didn't need me to defend her, lol.
She is being barred from graduating in May because she is short 1 class that she will complete in July. Her school only offers one graduation a year - she will almost assuredly die before the next one comes around. She began grad school with 3 other people with refractory Hodgkin's - all between 22 and 26. The other 3 have died. She is fighting to walk at graduation because crossing that stage is also crossing the stage for them - the chances that THEY didn't get. And that's how I feel. I enrolled in grad school 2 weeks after ending chemo (and before you start on money - I work at a university and a benefit is one course a term for free). I need to complete grad school for my Hodge friends who have died. I need to succeed less for me, and more for them. Everything I have done since entering remission is with the weight that it has to be good enough for them. And every failing - even little ones - is crushing.
The young adult cancer community is small - there are 78000 of us diagnosed a year. The Hodgkin's community is smaller - 8000 diagnoses in the US a year and about 3/4 of those are young adults. We know each other. We know each others' families. And many, MANY of us have that survivor's guilt.
It's a normal human response to living through tragedy when others do not.
I am tough. And could care less what a person like that thinks of me.
Funny.....threatens to report me, in a post filled with a viscous attack.
whats good for the goose is good for the gander as they say around here , dont dish it out if you cant take it and stop stalking me via PM , its plain weird
Giving ring the benefit of a doubt, he was trying to inspire. What happened from there, lord knows. But he had good intentions, just maybe poor word choice...[/quote
that must be why he,s sent me two abusive private messages
i would never say something like that to you my internet angel
as for ring , if the cap fits
Thank you. I hear angels come into people's lives to help them make the best decision for their lives...emphasis on life.
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