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If she was worth a hoot, she'd have killed him in his sleep that very night. With your physical evidnece right there, no way that she'd have been charged, much less convicted. in fact, she'd have been cheered.
If she was worth a hoot, she'd have killed him in his sleep that very night. With your physical evidnece right there, no way that she'd have been charged, much less convicted. in fact, she'd have been cheered.
This is me. I cannot understand the "keep the family together" or "don't want to lose the breadwinner" scenarios. Buy a life insurance policy if you must, but End. Him. I know that I would take this path as surely as I know the sun will rise in the morning. But then, people who feel like you and I are far less likely to wind up in the situation in the first place. Abusers don't seek out the strong and moral.
What kind of person wants to live with evil? Fears the departure of evil? They must be so incredibly damaged that a person with a moral compass simply cannot comprehend what goes on inside of them.
To the OP... I hurt for you and I am asking the universe to help you find peace.
confused, I have been following your story of your Mother's battle over in the cancer thread. Your anguish at the progress of her illness was patent. And now, to have this thrust upon you must be incomprehensible.
For your own sake, take no action until you are able to process thoroughly the information that you have been given, except, of course, to speak with your therapist. Please realize that this "deathbed confession" is simply her mechanism to transfer her guilt.
You've overcome much in your life. May you continue to have the strength to overcome this.
I'm soooo sorry. I feel so bad for you. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist; that's important.
Justice is not the right way to view this. While I can't image all the pain, hurt, and mistreatment by your family (no doubt to justify or not take responsibility for allowing you to be hurt) you must have a hear to heart with your mother before she leaves. To understand what I am trying to tell you, you have to watch a movie called Courageous. Within the movie it reveals issues people have and how God helps them though the situations and they grow.
God bless and I pray peace remains in your heart. Forgiveness is deep but necessary to release hurt/anger and have your best life now. I recall a movie (Tyler Perry-Family Reunion) where the sister confronted her mother for allowing her husband to rape her but she realized carrying that fear of someone harming her children and holding on to that anger/hate was not allowing her to experience all the great things God had in store for her.
What your mom allowed was wrong and I can't image a mother that would allow her child to be sexually abused and physically mistreated to keep a man around. She is wrong! It breaks my heart to hear your experiences. Write a letter to your mother, not of anger but of your feelings and end the letter truthfully advising her that you hope God forgives you of her sins and have mercy on her soul. Be honest of your feelings and not of your hurt: if it's in your heart to tell her that you could never allow someone to hurt your little girl like that or put a man above the protection/love of your daughter then tell her that.
I grew up with people who have similar horrid experiences. But never with one whose parent tolerated and then make the child suffer more. Just wow, what a devastating story.
With that said, I don't know if you or your sisters have POA or not, but make sure to protect yourself from your mother's boyfriend (changing locks to home, blocking bank access, et. c). Definitely tell everyone about your Dad. The odds are he's done it to others. He might have some more recent victims, and this could possibly give them strength to stand up.
As for your mother in her deathbed... I don't know. Is it more for you or for her?
Sweetie - you are in my prayers. This is horrible, awful, unimaginable, and a betrayal of the highest order. You are to be commended for working so hard to be who you are, where you are today. There perhaps needs to be some legal remedy only because this man is still out there, and any children near him may be in the same danger. Working with your therapist is absolutely the right path.
Just a thought -- One exercise my therapist had me do (for a far less heinous reason) was to sit quietly alone and wrap my arms around myself while imagining I am holding myself as a child. Then he had me talk to that little child and comfort her, love her, protect her and promise to do right by her from this day forward. It was a huge release for me, and one I have shared with others who have had issues with the way they were treated as a child. I don't know if it's the right thing for you, but sharing it with you just in case. The Hawaiians call this little child your Unihipili and recognize that we all have a need to nurture her and protect her.
Keep loving yourself and keep believing in yourself. Without knowing this horrible history, you have survived and thrived. That means you have the inner strength to continue to do so.
All the best to you as you work through this.
one more thought - look into EFT as well... it may help.
But holy crap-- this is so much more awful than anything I could have ever imagined. Where the hell do I go from here?
Enjoy the inevitable decline/karma being directed & keep us informed. You just listed a bunch of examples on how she was mean to you. Do you want to forgive that?
You do NOT owe your mother ANYTHING, including forgiveness. She chose this "last minute" encounter to reveal what should have been addressed decades ago, knowing full well it would relieve her of having to actually deal with the fallout, since she is going to die. That was pretty damn calculating, in my book.
Forgiveness is for the OP. It's not about saying, "It is okay what you did", it's about being able to let it go so it doesn't consume you.
Thank you so much, all of you, for your kind words of support. I am still raw from this but will be continuing to care for my mother until Saturday. I refuse to spend one more penny to change my airline ticket and I am here for my sisters until then.
To respond to some of the questions:
1. She is in hospice. We have a great nurse and social worker. She keeps asking for the priest and spiritual counselor, but sends them away when they get here because she does not want to confess. When I asked her, she acknowledged that what I said was true. I asked her if we needed to call a priest for her confession and she said "I didn't do anything to confess. It was him." She is in and out of lucidity and says things like "I am scared of what I did wrong that I don't know about." She is in deep deep denial.
2. My sisters and I have decided to tell our family. Most of the family we had growing up has passed on-- our beloved grandma and grandpa who would have KILLED both of them, had they known. We are waiting until she passes to tell the truth so that we don't rob our family of their opportunity to say goodbye. Its such a vile confession, I think it will take a while to sink in and be accepted, so we don't want a huge schism to deal with right now. Most of my family doesn't talk to me anyway (I am the pariah) so if they still refuse to believe, no loss there.
3. I remember that when I learned to ride a bike I had bruises all over me, and my parents were terrified that social services would come. That is not a normal reaction-- if anyone ever wanted to investigate me, I would say "bring it on-- I have nothing to hide". In fact, I can remember several occasions on which she would worry that I would have her investigated. They fact that there are several versions of my abuse tale lets me know that they DID cover it up, probably telling alternate versions to whoever they had to. I am sure there was a report at the hospital, which I will try and see if I can get hold of. But this was in the 1970s, so it may not exist anymore.
4. I think the fact that I was an attractive person really made her hate me all the more. My mom fancies herself a great beauty and femme fatale. My older sister is very heavy, and my younger sister very masculine. The better I looked, the more she distanced herself from me. I was very gothy for a while--I was always told I was ugly, so it made sense that I would embrace a nontraditional look because I would never be a beauty anyway. Even still, she tries to make out like I am the family villian-- as an adult I get a lot of positive reinforcement for being poised and pretty. Now I know more of the tale and know that its all a load of BS. I feel like I have been brainwashed.
5. I may pursue something against my dad but I am not ready yet.
I AM counting down the days. Today she is crying over her boyfriend because he never chose her over his wife. Its really disgusting. Yet, I held her hand last night when she was too restless to sleep and sang to her. It really does take more strength to be kind than cruel, and I still don't know where its coming from. But I plan to let her know before she goes that the *** is up and that I am free. And I plan to use any money she left us (she has a LOT saved) to live a life I can be happy in and proud of. This sickness ends here.
I am in awe of you. I truly am in awe of you.
OP, you are an amazing person. You are so much stronger than I could be...I'm so unbelievably impressed with your strength.
You're going to be fine. You will. It will take some time...but you? Yah, you're going to be fine. Go to therapy, work through this...but I have utmost faith, you'll come out on top.
Everything she said about you is wrong. You know it and now, especially after that post, we all know it.
I feel that one step in healing is knowing that those toxic people are no longer part of your life . You can not change what others did or the events of your past but you can embrace the special person within with compassion . In my opinion that's where healing begins :with yourself.
How you choose to cope might be different than what I decribed as I can only speak as an outsider who merely is a reader of the trauma you faced .
I believe that your father was not the only party accountable . Your mother actively participated in covering this up and failed to protect her child . It's heartwrenching to read . Even at present on her deathbead it sounds like she is not ready to confess this openly and is merely doing so for her own selfish peace of mind . In short .. she hasn't changed . It's all about her needs !!!!
I am not an attorney . I do wonder how an entire hospital staff could have seen you with these types of injuries and not face some type of accountability .
If "justice" is part of healing for you then consulting an attorney might render some legal avenues.
Ultimately I point back to my first paragraph .
Peace !!!!
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