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You are more than "in my thoughts" — you overwhelm them. I'm new to this thread and read the entire thing after sitting her stunned for a good while upon seeing your initial letter. And now, as I get through later pages, I have learned even more horrific things you have suffered. Physical and mental abuse as well as the sexual abuse. Not to mention being made responsible that these two mental cases who "raised" you didn't get in trouble with the law. How you have managed to come through all those ordeals with not only superior intelligence, common sense, and grace, but also kindness and even compassion for those who traveled this road with you seems to me to be nothing short of a miracle.
You are a remarkable human being.
A friend who is caring for a mother with Alzheimer's after just living through the long death of a beloved aunt she also cared for told me about a conversation she had recently. She spoke at length with another woman who had been in the same boat she's in. That woman told her, "You've educated yourself on this disease, you've examined all sides of the issues, you're a kind and compassionate person. YOU CAN'T MAKE A WRONG DECISION. Nobody else can or should tell you what to do; whatever you decide will be right." I think those words also apply to you.
You've gotten a lot of advice here, but only you can decide what are the right actions for you to take in the future. I have every faith that you will make decisions that help yourself and others. I'm glad you have the support of a therapist as you navigate these murky waters. And I'm pleased that you now have your sisters and aunt in your corner. Please take advantage of all the help you are offered. You have earned every kind thought, every attempt at support, and every good thing that comes your way.
Please concentrate on the fact that the little girl you used to be was an incredibly strong and brave human being. She not only survived the abuse, but became the lovely and accomplished person that you are.
I will be thinking of you constantly and will keep an eye on this thread for your further updates. I'm not a religious person so I have few opinions on the afterlife. But in THIS life, I fervently hope you now get the support and love that you were so cruelly denied as a helpless child. All best wishes to you.
Juke, I did the same thing Confused did. This is the most beautifully written post I've ever seen. OP should feel proud to have inspired such a deep emotion and such lovely words from you.
I've posted in here once already, maybe twice. Whether she's your mother or not, she's a poisonous, selfish woman who will continue to say hurtful, uncaring, unloving things the longer she stays alive. I don't know how you've been able to be so caring & nice to her while she was on her death bed. I hope you're not surprised at all by her returning to her old, egotisitcal self now that she seems to be getting better.
Is your therapist telling you things such as it's best for you to stay away from your mother, so you can internally heal OR is she staying things more like stay in your mother's face & confront her as often as you can? I don't hve to be a credentialed therapist to say to keep your distance from your mother.
For your own sake & emotional well being, can't you just stay away from her? I'm not saying not to attend her funeral when she passes, although you can choose to do that too since you have this soft spot for her, despite how she's treated you your whole life, but your sisters & you should all just forget her as if she fell off the face of the earth.
My aunts (my mothers two sisters) have been told everything that happened. Full disclosure. My sisters sat down with them and detailed the abuse for all three of us (physical, emotional, sexual). My mom's youngest sister disclosed that our father had approached her when she was a young teenager, but she was able to deflect him and make sure that she never spent any time alone with him.
This criminal is truly capable of ANYTHING. This is an embedded pattern of behavior where he "tests" potential victims and then goes after those who respond correctly. I recently did some research to find out where he is working. I plan to report him in some way but I want to ensure that my family and I are safe from his reprisals. I am planning on speaking to our legal counsel here a work for some suggestions.
I do not live physically near my mother. My older sister has spent the last 6 weeks caring for her without pay, and the last 12 weeks staying with her round the clock. My younger sister has been there a month helping out. My older sister asked if I could come again as she will no longer be able to keep up her caretaking without losing her job. My mother has insulted her the entire time she has been caring for her. We have agreed that we need to get a caregiver-- initially we didn't think my mother would last this long. My older sister has asked if I can help her find one, or spend some time taking care of mom while we are in transition. This is the real dilemma. I absolutely agree that I owe my mother NOTHING. I am not a masochist or trying to once and for all get her love. There is no love to give. I just respect my siblings and the burden this has placed on them.
We have agreed that we need to get a caregiver-- initially we didn't think my mother would last this long. My older sister has asked if I can help her find one, or spend some time taking care of mom while we are in transition.
You could start a thread in the Caregiving forum here asking for advice on quickly finding a caregiver in the state your mother resides: http://www.city-data.com/forum/caregiving/
If you do that, I suggesting posting a link to this thread as otherwise the new thread may be derailed by posters who do not understand the situation.
My sisters are meeting with her docs today. Mom has now hatched a plan to sell her house and move to a condo on the beach. She has convinced herself that she is getting well. My sisters are asking for a psych eval and trying to have her permanently declared incompetent. What a mess.
My sisters are meeting with her docs today. Mom has now hatched a plan to sell her house and move to a condo on the beach. She has convinced herself that she is getting well. My sisters are asking for a psych eval and trying to have her permanently declared incompetent. What a mess.
Yes, it is a mess, indeed, but with mom still pulling the strings -- including not dying in a timely fashion (sorry - I know that is kind of a morbid attempt at some humor, but honestly - the woman needs to just exit the planet).
All I can think about is how this has to be taking a horrific toll on you and your sisters and I keep thinking - surely, surely there is a way to just get her into a facility and give everyone a break from bedside care. I do so hope this can be accomplished, through whatever means.
Good idea to have your mother declared incompetent.
I check every day to see if there is an update. I was so shocked to find that she had not died. I was hoping it was over.
There are so many of us who think about you daily and are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. I hope that gives you some solace to know there are others who really do care and understand the immense toll this is taking on your family. I don't know how you and your sisters are doing it, but blessings to you all. Please keep us updated -- and if there is any way you all can make other arrangements, I hope there will be resources so you can go that route and give yourselves a break from this awful, ongoing saga of misery.
Yes, it is a mess, indeed, but with mom still pulling the strings -- including not dying in a timely fashion (sorry - I know that is kind of a morbid attempt at some humor, but honestly - the woman needs to just exit the planet).
All I can think about is how this has to be taking a horrific toll on you and your sisters and I keep thinking - surely, surely there is a way to just get her into a facility and give everyone a break from bedside care. I do so hope this can be accomplished, through whatever means.
Good idea to have your mother declared incompetent.
I check every day to see if there is an update. I was so shocked to find that she had not died. I was hoping it was over.
There are so many of us who think about you daily and are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. I hope that gives you some solace to know there are others who really do care and understand the immense toll this is taking on your family. I don't know how you and your sisters are doing it, but blessings to you all. Please keep us updated -- and if there is any way you all can make other arrangements, I hope there will be resources so you can go that route and give yourselves a break from this awful, ongoing saga of misery.
I think we all feel that its time her saga has come to an end. But the docs, with this new course of meds, have extended her shelf life once again.
We are proceeding with a thorough psychiatric eval and have faxed over the incompetence order to the attorney that the docs signed when she entered the secure facility. The attorney assures us that this is what we need to have in place should she try to make changes to the will.
My sisters and I plan to try and get some family therapy. We are going to ask her psychiatrist if he or she will recommend someone. We may even have a session where we confront our mom. Who knows. But my sisters have not been going to therapy (as I have been for years) and I think its a fabulous idea to at least get them some sort of help.
When this is done, I am seriously thinking about writing a book. It would be perfect if each of my sisters would write their own chapter/novella. It would be difficult, but healing. I know (sadly, depressingly) that my story is in no way unique. Abuse creates a conspiracy of silence. I remember thinking when I was a little girl: "some day I will grow up and this will be different. If I can just wait til then. I have to just keep going." Perhaps if I can share this horrific tale, someone else out there will try to keep going and make things different in their own lives. So many of you are brave enough to share your experiences and the experiences of your loved ones. It has lifted me up so much during this time to understand that complete strangers care. The best case scenario would be to pay that forward.
My sisters are meeting with her docs today. Mom has now hatched a plan to sell her house and move to a condo on the beach. She has convinced herself that she is getting well. My sisters are asking for a psych eval and trying to have her permanently declared incompetent. What a mess.
Yeah, let me guess. She wants to sell her house & get that condo on the beach where of course her & her latest boyfriend will live & she'll give him all her leftover money she got from the sale of the house if the condo was cheaper than what she got for the house. And when he tires of her, he'll be gone (along with her money she gave him), but since she thinks she's sill hot stuff, she's confident that she'll snag another man in no time & move him right in! All the while, she'll never invite you over to her new place because she just wants to have all the fun with her & whoever her latest lover is. What a lousy excuse for a human being she is.
I think we all feel that its time her saga has come to an end. But the docs, with this new course of meds, have extended her shelf life once again.
We are proceeding with a thorough psychiatric eval and have faxed over the incompetence order to the attorney that the docs signed when she entered the secure facility. The attorney assures us that this is what we need to have in place should she try to make changes to the will.
My sisters and I plan to try and get some family therapy. We are going to ask her psychiatrist if he or she will recommend someone. We may even have a session where we confront our mom. Who knows. But my sisters have not been going to therapy (as I have been for years) and I think its a fabulous idea to at least get them some sort of help.
When this is done, I am seriously thinking about writing a book. It would be perfect if each of my sisters would write their own chapter/novella. It would be difficult, but healing. I know (sadly, depressingly) that my story is in no way unique. Abuse creates a conspiracy of silence. I remember thinking when I was a little girl: "some day I will grow up and this will be different. If I can just wait til then. I have to just keep going." Perhaps if I can share this horrific tale, someone else out there will try to keep going and make things different in their own lives. So many of you are brave enough to share your experiences and the experiences of your loved ones. It has lifted me up so much during this time to understand that complete strangers care. The best case scenario would be to pay that forward.
I didn't want to tell you what to do, but may I say I'm SOOO glad to know you're getting an incompetence order. When you mentioned the beach condo, my first thought was: ACKKK, mother's going to start messing with the money. So not fair after what you all are going through.
As for your sisters ... I think the idea of family therapy sessions would be helpful to all of you. First to solidify the good feeling you three have forged at your mother's bedside. Also, to give your sisters a start at the healing they need to do for themselves. You mentioned that one of your sisters has weight issues and the other is quite religious. Bells when off for me when I read that. You've done a ton of work at healing yourself, but it sounds like those two things are their individual coping mechanisms. Ways for them to "stuff their feelings," as they say at Overeaters Anonymous. Perhaps getting to know you better has given them a clue that they could set down the burdens they, too, have carried to some degree. It also might be quite cathartic if you did have some kind of group intervention with your mother before she passes, especially if she's been given more time by her doctors. Something constructive for her to do with it.
If you decide to go back so your sisters can return to work, your idea that you're doing it for THEM and not for your mother is good. And maybe you're just the person to turn her care over to a professional caregiver, because you would be clearheaded about it. Your sisters strike me as possibly still manipulateable (is that a word?) by your mother's guilt-tripping.
And honestly, the new info that your father also attempted to abuse your aunt — while certainly not a surprise — is stomach-churning. He belongs in a cell with Jerry Sandusky IMHO. But if it's better for you to save that for later, that's what you should do. You know what you can handle.
Your idea to write a book is excellent. You are extremely articulate. What you lived through, how you have fought for your sanity and success, how you still are finding out details, and this extended drama of your mother's death is a compelling story. I think many Americans have yet to come to grips with how pervasive sexual child abuse is in our society and the extent to which the institutions we come in contact with every day (police, doctors, social workers) can be manipulated by cunning perpetrators. Events in the Catholic Church have pried some people's eyes open. But until the Penn State saga came along, many seemed satisfied to think that was some kind of religious perversity and it couldn't happen in other institutions that exist supposedly to "help" people.
Stories like yours DO happen in seemingly "nice" neighborhoods, set in motion by people perceived as normal by their peers. (How else would your father ever have gotten the employment he's had?) As we can see from the reactions of your sisters and your aunts, airing these secrets can lead to better relationships if people are willing to work their way out of the web of lies.
Best wishes, as always.
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