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[quote=Trimac20;28810352]Wow this is heavy, I'm really sorry you're going through thisshe sounds plain selfish and cold-hearted towards you and what you were feelin. Some people honestly should not have kids - not saying you don't deserve to exist, but you deserved far better parents. They went out of their way to make your life miserable because of a despicable secret they were keeping. From what you describe g. Can't she even empathise? It doesn't even sound like that 'oh but she did what she thought was best' not that that's any excuse.
Since she'll probably die soon, I would say nursing hatred or revenge in your heart probably isn't healthy, but of course it will take time for you to sort out these feelings. I would like to think your father would get justice somehow. Ask her honestly if she loves you, although you're always gonna wonder if she even means it...I don't know what I'd do in your situation, I guess it's the type of thing where you feel the whole world collapsing beneath your feet.
Edit: well I didn't see your last post, so i guess the part about her imminent death wouldn't apply...[/quote]
I am trying to start ignoring the content of her speech. Today I called her room at the hospice facility and she answered the phone sounding 100% like herself-- so much so that I thought it was my aunt. She proceeded to telll me that she "always thought (you) were marginal...I got so tired of fixing you."
This brings up all kinds of anger. Fixing me?! Isn't it HER fault I needed to be fixed? Didn't she just stand by and watch as my siblings and I were abused? Didn't the thrall of her own sexual life take precedence over any suffering that we endured as innocent children? Wasn't my reputation (to this day!) within our family shadowed by the spectre of my "craziness" and unreliablity? Its unreal. She still wants me to play this old role. I ceded my entire family to her...there was no way to win, she was always in control of public opinion. But I will be damned if I will wipe her ass and give her massages while playing this old game to cover up her failings.
My sisters and I had agreed to tell her sister after this was all done. My little sister couldn't take it anymore and told her yesterday. She believed all of it and cried that she hadn't done more.
Instead of getting upset at her and feeding my mothers mental illness, I am considering the source. Clearly, this woman is an unreliable narrator in her own story. Nothing she says has any validity anymore. She is old, frail and sick on both a physical and emotional level. Her thoughts and wishes should be discounted any time they rise above a basic request for physical comfort. I simply am no longer hearing her. She is an old song playing to an empty room.
I am continuing with therapy. Please keep me in your thoughts. This is taking strength I didn't know I had. This now looks like we are in for a longer ride than initially predicted. I really appreciate the love and support being sent my way. Please hold my sisters and I close and wish us well. We need all the love and suppport we can get.
I am trying to start ignoring the content of her speech. Today I called her room at the hospice facility and she answered the phone sounding 100% like herself-- so much so that I thought it was my aunt. She proceeded to telll me that she "always thought (you) were marginal...I got so tired of fixing you."
This brings up all kinds of anger...
This is why I suggested staying away. She's going to keep saying things that you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life. You will end up remembering every rotten, demented, disgusting thing she says. I strongly encourage you not to subject yourself to it anymore. It's not helping anyone, not even your siblings. They can deal with her, and if they cannot take time off, then she will just have to make do with the hospice workers and her own miserable conscience for company. Consider it karma for the morally bankrupt life she led.
Seriously, Con, there comes a point when you are asking to be mistreated, and you're rapidly approaching it.
This is why I suggested staying away. She's going to keep saying things that you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life. You will end up remembering every rotten, demented, disgusting thing she says. I strongly encourage you not to subject yourself to it anymore. It's not helping anyone, not even your siblings. They can deal with her, and if they cannot take time off, then she will just have to make do with the hospice workers and her own miserable conscience for company. Consider it karma for the morally bankrupt life she led.
Seriously, Con, there comes a point when you are asking to be mistreated, and you're rapidly approaching it.
Point taken. I absolutely agree that there is a point of diminishing returns that may have already been reached. The next moves I make will be very carefully considered. If she is with us longer than we had thought (and it looks as though she will be) I will have to really set and stick to my boundaries. I just don't want my sisters to have to bear the burden alone.
You are more than "in my thoughts" — you overwhelm them. I'm new to this thread and read the entire thing after sitting her stunned for a good while upon seeing your initial letter. And now, as I get through later pages, I have learned even more horrific things you have suffered. Physical and mental abuse as well as the sexual abuse. Not to mention being made responsible that these two mental cases who "raised" you didn't get in trouble with the law. How you have managed to come through all those ordeals with not only superior intelligence, common sense, and grace, but also kindness and even compassion for those who traveled this road with you seems to me to be nothing short of a miracle.
You are a remarkable human being.
A friend who is caring for a mother with Alzheimer's after just living through the long death of a beloved aunt she also cared for told me about a conversation she had recently. She spoke at length with another woman who had been in the same boat she's in. That woman told her, "You've educated yourself on this disease, you've examined all sides of the issues, you're a kind and compassionate person. YOU CAN'T MAKE A WRONG DECISION. Nobody else can or should tell you what to do; whatever you decide will be right." I think those words also apply to you.
You've gotten a lot of advice here, but only you can decide what are the right actions for you to take in the future. I have every faith that you will make decisions that help yourself and others. I'm glad you have the support of a therapist as you navigate these murky waters. And I'm pleased that you now have your sisters and aunt in your corner. Please take advantage of all the help you are offered. You have earned every kind thought, every attempt at support, and every good thing that comes your way.
Please concentrate on the fact that the little girl you used to be was an incredibly strong and brave human being. She not only survived the abuse, but became the lovely and accomplished person that you are.
I will be thinking of you constantly and will keep an eye on this thread for your further updates. I'm not a religious person so I have few opinions on the afterlife. But in THIS life, I fervently hope you now get the support and love that you were so cruelly denied as a helpless child. All best wishes to you.
You are more than "in my thoughts" — you overwhelm them. I'm new to this thread and read the entire thing after sitting her stunned for a good while upon seeing your initial letter. And now, as I get through later pages, I have learned even more horrific things you have suffered. Physical and mental abuse as well as the sexual abuse. Not to mention being made responsible that these two mental cases who "raised" you didn't get in trouble with the law. How you have managed to come through all those ordeals with not only superior intelligence, common sense, and grace, but also kindness and even compassion for those who traveled this road with you seems to me to be nothing short of a miracle.
You are a remarkable human being.
A friend who is caring for a mother with Alzheimer's after just living through the long death of a beloved aunt she also cared for told me about a conversation she had recently. She spoke at length with another woman who had been in the same boat she's in. That woman told her, "You've educated yourself on this disease, you've examined all sides of the issues, you're a kind and compassionate person. YOU CAN'T MAKE A WRONG DECISION. Nobody else can or should tell you what to do; whatever you decide will be right." I think those words also apply to you.
You've gotten a lot of advice here, but only you can decide what are the right actions for you to take in the future. I have every faith that you will make decisions that help yourself and others. I'm glad you have the support of a therapist as you navigate these murky waters. And I'm pleased that you now have your sisters and aunt in your corner. Please take advantage of all the help you are offered. You have earned every kind thought, every attempt at support, and every good thing that comes your way.
Please concentrate on the fact that the little girl you used to be was an incredibly strong and brave human being. She not only survived the abuse, but became the lovely and accomplished person that you are.
I will be thinking of you constantly and will keep an eye on this thread for your further updates. I'm not a religious person so I have few opinions on the afterlife. But in THIS life, I fervently hope you now get the support and love that you were so cruelly denied as a helpless child. All best wishes to you.
Point taken. I absolutely agree that there is a point of diminishing returns that may have already been reached. The next moves I make will be very carefully considered. If she is with us longer than we had thought (and it looks as though she will be) I will have to really set and stick to my boundaries. I just don't want my sisters to have to bear the burden alone.
Understandable. I see where they may see it as you dumping her on them. You might want to have a talk with them about what this is doing to you. See if she is being just as nasty to them as to you. Without leading them in the question, ask them what kinds of things she has been saying to them. If she's not verbally abusing them, or she's abusing them substantially less than she's abusing you, and you're catching the brunt of it, they might just have to accept that you can't continue to subject yourself to her awful behavior.
And sometimes you just have to but your own well-being ahead of others', even if those others are your sisters. I mean, it's not going to help them if you end up having a breakdown or get sick and need to be treated, yourself, right? Please forgive me for not remembering this, but if you have a family of your own, same goes for them. They need you, too. This kind of stress can wreak havoc on your immune system and make you susceptible to all kinds of stuff. There's no point in running yourself into the ground.
Maybe you can help out in other ways, like offering to take care of their kids if they have any, or cooking meals for them or running errands that they aren't able to because they are with her.
Point taken. I absolutely agree that there is a point of diminishing returns that may have already been reached. The next moves I make will be very carefully considered. If she is with us longer than we had thought (and it looks as though she will be) I will have to really set and stick to my boundaries. I just don't want my sisters to have to bear the burden alone.
Respectfully, she has healthcare professionals to care for her, correct? There is no obligation for your sisters to wait on her either, is there? They can make that choice for themselves, as you must do what's right for you.
Unless you think you will feel you have accomplished something by staying by her and that there is nothing further she can do or say to harm you, it might be time to let the old ***** reap what she's sown. I think it's time for you to concentrate on what's best for you and let your sisters do the same for themselves.
This is my admittedly biased opinion as an outside observer who thinks you've paid your dues in hell already.
Understandable. I see where they may see it as you dumping her on them. You might want to have a talk with them about what this is doing to you. See if she is being just as nasty to them as to you. Without leading them in the question, ask them what kinds of things she has been saying to them. If she's not verbally abusing them, or she's abusing them substantially less than she's abusing you, and you're catching the brunt of it, they might just have to accept that you can't continue to subject yourself to her awful behavior.
And sometimes you just have to but your own well-being ahead of others', even if those others are your sisters. I mean, it's not going to help them if you end up having a breakdown or get sick and need to be treated, yourself, right? Please forgive me for not remembering this, but if you have a family of your own, same goes for them. They need you, too. This kind of stress can wreak havoc on your immune system and make you susceptible to all kinds of stuff. There's no point in running yourself into the ground.
Maybe you can help out in other ways, like offering to take care of their kids if they have any, or cooking meals for them or running errands that they aren't able to because they are with her.
I talk to them every day and she is being just as awful, evil and spiteful.
In the last two days, my mother has gotten violent, angry, paranoid and extremely disoriented. My poor sisters are with her, as well as my aunt (her sister). She has completely broken with reality and thinks people are trying to poison her which is resulting in her refusal to take her medication. Though still in her home, she has no idea where she is or what is happening and is cursing and saying absolutely hateful and traumatizing things to the people who are caring for her. Hospice sent over a nurse to spend the nights with her and this has failed to help. She literally has to be wrestled down and forced to take her meds.
My older sister promised not to put her in a secure facility, but at this point, there is nothing else they can do. Its taking four people to care for her and they are all burnt out. If she isn't transferred to the hospital today, I will be going back to help with her care ASAP.
The situation is absolutely horrific. We are all praying fervently that this ends soon and she finds some peace.
I recently had to devote myself to caring for my mother. A friend of mine also had a horrible accident and is in ICU. I have an uncle in the hospital in ICU as well. All three made me realize a few things I never really considered before.
The more ill or incapacitated someone is, the more people feel obligated to be there. But it is not as much for the patient as it is for their own peace of mind. Sure, the intentions are good. I don't mean it is all selfish. It's just not always helpful. People overextend themselves or want to be there even when the patient isn't "present", to ease their conscience or tend to their sense of obligation.
I would be there for your sisters (and I think that is your main objective). But I would talk to them about letting the professionals take over. That would be the right thing to do, if they are wrestling with any guilt.
As to what she said to you today, yes, you have to consider the source. It's good advice and it makes absolute sense, but it has become so cliche' that I think many people are not aware of what comes with that ability to do so. They're not magic words that make the offense less offensive. Applying it, really knowing it, requires you to be on a whole other level with yourself. That takes time, especially with what was just revealed to you. Again, abuse isn't rational, but it still hurts like hell. As much as we are programmed to avoid pain, part of recognizing it for what it is includes allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel about it. If it offends you, disgusts you, makes you feel things you wish you weren't feeling.....know that those feelings are there to guide you to a healthier place. It should offend you. It should repulse you. These feelings are telling you to move away from it. Is her health and recovery dependent upon you and your sisters being there? More importantly, is being there healthy for you all? If even one of those were the case, it would be worth it. But neither one is the case, from what you have shared. I know you want to be there for your sisters as well, but try your best to yourselves away from it. Let the professionals deal with your mother now. They are equipped for it. And they have nothing to lose.
^^ I was about to post this very advice. The best you and your sisters can do for each other is to focus on giving to each other and let your mother's care come from those able and paid to do so. As PTC said, you all need to see to your own health, mental and physical.
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