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Hello. Would I consider my mother a bad parent? Here's what my life has been like.
OK, my parents divorced when I was 8. My mother then married a doctor and he made and keeps making a ton of money. About a year after the divorce my brother and I moved around with my mom and her husband. My father would send money aside from child support for things like braces for me. My mom never used the money for braces ( I didn't find out about the money he was sending until my early teens). My mom never saved a dime for me or my brother to go to college. I tried to qualify for financial aid, but I needed all my parents w2 records in order to apply. My father eagerly gave me his but my mom and step dad always came up with excuses not to give them to me. Long story short, I went to college up until my savings ran out (monies my father helped with) then had to drop school.
Fast forward to the present. My mom takes my brother and his girlfriend on trips to aspen, or to some other place in the country. She would do this often. Now, my brother doesn't posses a high school diploma. He's got a criminal record longer than my arm. I can't understand why she favors him over me. Its always been this way. She would tell me she will treat my fiance and myself to trips to Rock Pointe or on a cruise but never follow through. She has treated just about every living relative to vacations. It hurts to know that I am the least favorite of the two of us, but it has been this way for a long long time. I have grown up resenting her. My father agrees she has always treated me rather badly.
I feel as though my mom uses me as someone to do things for her, like dog/house sit when she leaves for vacations. She never takes me into consideration. Always wants me to go the extra mile for my loser brother who can't stay out of jail. He's into drugs, an alcoholic and has been known to steal property from both my mom and dad. But yet, my mom wants me to give him rides to go grocery shopping or to let him stay at my place when he eventually gets evicted from his current place of living. I feel like I'm being used and its time to just move on with my life and cut her out. Am I wrong in this? Ugh, thanks for listening.
No, you're not wrong to want to move on. You can keep your mother in your life, IF you can create a boundary and a distance. Can you maintain the relationship on your terms?
For example, next time your mother asks you to take your brother in, tell her you're saving your money for a vacation or school and cannot afford the additional costs associated with having another person move in. Next time she needs you to dog/house sit state firmly that it won't be possible. You have other commitments for that time period. It's not a lie. You do have other commitments--a commitment to yourself to not be dragged in and set up for her treatment of you.
She went to Hawaii about a month ago. She brought a couple of family members with. The day she left, she tells me to stop by her house everyday for the two weeks she's going to be away and check on her dogs. I live about 35 miles round trip. My fiance was just laid off two months ago and therefore we ended up drawing from our savings to keep from turning over our car and to buy food. Despite this, she told me to go to her place once a day, for two weeks. She didn't leave me not even $5 in gas money. I couldn't believe it. My friends despise her. They call her selfish, and self-centered. They couldn't be more right. Thanks again for hearing me out.
She went to Hawaii about a month ago. She brought a couple of family members with. The day she left, she tells me to stop by her house everyday for the two weeks she's going to be away and check on her dogs. I live about 35 miles round trip. My fiance was just laid off two months ago and therefore we ended up drawing from our savings to keep from turning over our car and to buy food. Despite this, she told me to go to her place once a day, for two weeks. She didn't leave me not even $5 in gas money. I couldn't believe it. My friends despise her. They call her selfish, and self-centered. They couldn't be more right. Thanks again for hearing me out.
So did you tell her no?
You are an adult living on your own. Start by saying no to anything you do NOT want to do for her or your brother. You don't have to give a reason either. Just say no.
You are an adult living on your own. Start by saying no to anything you do NOT want to do for her or your brother. You don't have to give a reason either. Just say no.
Yup, I tell her no. She calls me from Hawaii with a sob story about how her dogs are sitting at home probably with little to no water and that she's not sure she locked the front door, yadayadayad. I told her she should of made plans for one of her friends to house/dog sit. I just can't stand the guilt trip she tries to play on me. I've learned to not answer her calls or respond to her text msgs. It sucks that it has to be this way is all. I have never asked her for anything. I've learned she is not there for me. Not even emotional support. I've tried going to her for advice on a new job. She will listen halfheartedly and rush me off the phone in seconds. I am not my brother, so she doesn't give me a moments thought except for when she wants a favor.
So stop answering her phone calls. She's an adult she can spend her money how she likes and you're also an adult and you don't have to put up with her.
So stop answering her phone calls. She's an adult she can spend her money how she likes and you're also an adult and you don't have to put up with her.
Agreed. Some people say that because she's my mom that I have to always do what she tells me. That my life comes second to the one whom raised me. But I feel she cut corners with me and her selfishness sold her children short. I could have done better with my life but then again I could have done much much worse too. But I've got prospects to look forward to. Always looking forward and never backward. Thanks all for the advice.
Agreed. Some people say that because she's my mom that I have to always do what she tells me. That my life comes second to the one whom raised me. But I feel she cut corners with me and her selfishness sold her children short. I could have done better with my life but then again I could have done much much worse too. But I've got prospects to look forward to. Always looking forward and never backward. Thanks all for the advice.
You sound like you have a great head on our shoulders. Whenever I start to feel like I've been short changed I try to focus on how bad it could have been because let's face it it could always be a lot worse. My advice would simply to have as little interaction as you can manage and look forward, you're going to be just fine.
Yup, I tell her no. She calls me from Hawaii with a sob story about how her dogs are sitting at home probably with little to no water and that she's not sure she locked the front door, yadayadayad. I told her she should of made plans for one of her friends to house/dog sit. I just can't stand the guilt trip she tries to play on me. I've learned to not answer her calls or respond to her text msgs. It sucks that it has to be this way is all. I have never asked her for anything. I've learned she is not there for me. Not even emotional support. I've tried going to her for advice on a new job. She will listen halfheartedly and rush me off the phone in seconds. I am not my brother, so she doesn't give me a moments thought except for when she wants a favor.
If you can afford to take several people to Hawaii you can afford to take your dogs to a kennel or pay for a nearby neighbor to watch them.
I hope that the dogs were OK but they were her responsibility.
As other posters said set boundaries and stick to them. Don't let your deadbeat brother move in with you, he will never leave and/or cause huge problems.
I think it's not that uncommon for the "responsible one" to get dumped on more.
In fact that happens often in the workplace as well -- someone who can be counted on gets counted on a lot more than someone who is always flakey and undependable.
If you want, you should quit answering her calls and stop being available, flat out tell her no. Call animal control on her at least though so the dogs don't have to suffer.
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