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I do intend to seek more counseling. I just feel that if I leave, I'm taking my problems with me. Sounds like it could possibly be counterproductive.
Would a new routine help?
I was considering possibly furthering my education. Something..anything to preoccupy my thoughts until I can find the peace I'm seeking...
you mentioned that you can't shake the image of her dying.........
the mind is a love/hate thing. When that image or those thoughts enter your mind--just say NO! Don't concentrate on those. Think about your mom in a way that will make you smile-not cry.
Surely you had some good times. Happy times. That's what you should concentrate on. The other memories are going to continue creeping into your mind-push them away.
Have you thought of taking yoga or tai chi classes? excellent for your mental state. I highly recommend either or both.
I do intend to seek more counseling. I just feel that if I leave, I'm taking my problems with me. Sounds like it could possibly be counterproductive.
Would a new routine help?
I was considering possibly furthering my education. Something..anything to preoccupy my thoughts until I can find the peace I'm seeking...
Sweetie, you did get other suggestions besides moving.
People don't suggest professional counseling and medication (Wellbutrin is far, far superior to Zoloft) to be patronizing. We suggest it because it works. It saves lives, and it will pull you out of the pit.
I hear what you are saying because I said it myself. When we are at our most depressed we discount suggestions for help, we withdraw from those who offer help, we procrastinate about steps that intellectually we know will help but emotionally seem overwhelming. It's a sure sign that you are in a clinical depression that WILL NOT GO AWAY on it's own.
So many people tell me they would like to 'do this without medication'. Do what? What exactly are you doing? Without the medication we tend to do absolutely nothing. Depression is a chemical imbalance, not a character flaw. What would NOT taking the medication prove? That you are a better person? Stronger? Tougher? Than who? Will it prove that you are Not deserving of happiness? Because you are.
Please please please don't just 'intend to seek more counseling'. Do it now, call-right-now. You have absolutely nothing to gain by waiting.
you mentioned that you can't shake the image of her dying.........
the mind is a love/hate thing. When that image or those thoughts enter your mind--just say NO! Don't concentrate on those. Think about your mom in a way that will make you smile-not cry.
Surely you had some good times. Happy times. That's what you should concentrate on. The other memories are going to continue creeping into your mind-push them away.
Have you thought of taking yoga or tai chi classes? excellent for your mental state. I highly recommend either or both.
Yes Pippy!
I was there for my Mom's last breath and she didn't have a good look on her face. The hospice nurse kept telling me that it was just muscles contracting involuntarily . . . and not to focus on that.
I did relive that moment over and over until one day, I decided to do exactly what you said. I knew that my Mom would NOT want to be remembered in that last moment, but rather in the millions of other moments where her true spirit showed through. She's been gone 11 years and I never think of that dying breath anymore. I think of her kindness and generousity to my son.
You can still talk to her. I believe they can still hear us. Talk to her and tell her what you want to say.
I agree - I still talk to my Dad. Get those words out there, understand that your Mom knows how you feel, and accept that she has forgiven you for those things you worry about.
Moving might be a great opportunity to move on. Find new friends and new hobbies. Become the person your Mom would be proud of - that is the best way to honor her life.
I'm sorry your mom died and I'm sorry you're going through this.
You have a lot going on and getting additional counseling and possibly short term medication might help.
However, if your real issue is guilt, then the only way out of that is forgiveness. You have to accept reality. Whatever mistake you think you made, you have to just forgive yourself for it. Forgiveness is a decision. You just decide to do it. Sure, you may not not be able to forgive yourself all at one time, but you can learn to forgive yourself a little bit more each day.
Whatever you think you did, I'm sure your mother would forgive you. I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but from my beliefs, I know that God will forgive you instantly if you ask.
If you want to free of the guilt, you have to make a decision to let it go and accept that you are forgiven and that the slate has been wiped clean.
Accept that we can't change the past but that we can change the future. What kind of future do you want? If you want a future free from guilt, then you have to start letting it go.
A simple thing you can do is to write a letter to your mother. Write down everything you didn't get to say. Get it all out and ask for forgiveness. Then you can burn the letter as a symbol of your letting go or you could save it.
Another thing you can do is to honor your mother by doing acts of service. Was there a cause near to your mother's heart? Make a donation or volunteer some time. Do it in your mother's name.
Take the time to remember some of the good times you had with your mother and keep those memories close to your heart.
I m sorry about the loss of your mom and the struggles you are having emotionally. I do wonder if yes your moms passing is hard but if you have had underlying mental struggles before? Before your mom passed did you deal with depression? Sometimes it takes time to find the right med and dosage to help. With meds and therapy it can get you to a better place. I understand your fear of opening up in a group but I bet others have felt or dealt with very similar feelings and issues. Most in a group setting are not judgmental I have found. Talking about it can really help. You stated your siblings but do you have other supports such as friends or significant other you can talk to?
The moving issue I have mixed feelings about as someone who has moved to get a fresh start because of mental struggles. Some times the problems just follow you and moving on its own can be stressful so to add being in a hard place mentally it makes things more stressful. That being said if you have a strong plan for a move it could open doors to new opportunities.
I hope you feel better and can let go of the guilt you have within. You cant change the past and I am sure your mom would want you to be happy and not carry the feeling of guilt around.
I do intend to seek more counseling. I just feel that if I leave, I'm taking my problems with me. Sounds like it could possibly be counterproductive.
If there is a good reason to move other than trying to get away from the pain and guilt, then by all means move if your situation allows you to. If you can find a great job or a better place to live, then do so. But moving only to try to get away from the real emotion and difficulty you are going through won't change a thing, becuse what you are running from is inside you. You can't run away from it.
My mom died when she was 55 and I was 22. It was hard because right before she got the diagnosis, I quit my job for some reason that makes no sense now other than me being 22 and stupid. I knew she was worried about me and my future and that caused me a lot of guilt over the years. I don't know what I believe about the afterlife, but for a few years, I would go to her grave and just talk to her. And I mean out loud, mouth moving, as if she was right there. It did help me.
The relationship with my dad was not a good one late in his life and I made the decision that I had to distance myself from him and from my two sisters. I could write a book on the what and why, but he was then diagnosed with cancer. I was torn over what to do, although I suppose I knew what I should have done. So I went on a trip and when I got back, I learned that my sister had passed away. This was in 1999 and I did not have a cell phone and had tried to distance myself from basically everyone who knew me. (Though I still had an active e-mail account.)
The pain and guilt were excrituating and it is something I still live with now. I did see my dad, but I knew it was too late to try to repair things as the issues between us were too immense. I made a certain peace with him, though it's hard to explain. But my sister's death still troubles me. I have made peace with my remaining sister, but there is family and friends who will still not speak to me to this day. I have made peace with that, too.
What it took for me was mostly time. I did talk with a therapist some and that helped, too. I reconnected with friends and having a wife and two kids helped me realize what Richard Bach wrote was true for me, "The family you come from isn't as important as the family you are going to have." (Although I suspect he didn't mean it that literally)
So, in closing, if you move, don't move to get away from this. Move for other legitimate reasons.
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