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Wow and to think I found this thread by accident--- I am your father (not really but I feel like him) The worst mistake you could make is to move away for the reasons you state. Not that you are such a good deal but you will be denying your parents of the pleasure of their grand children and that is what we all live for... I did many of the things you "accuse" your father of as my daughter was growing up and she married somebody I would not have picked for her but you know what it is not my call--- At this point in my life if I see her a lot or see her a little it does not matter that much but deny me 5 minutes time with my little baby (grand daughter 4 yrs old) and I go crazy.... that is the sadness you see in your parents face it is not for you or your husband believe me.
I would NEVER take the chance that he would treat my child the same way he treated me. This is a sick puppy and exposing a kid to it is just wrong. IMHO.
Wow and to think I found this thread by accident--- I am your father (not really but I feel like him) The worst mistake you could make is to move away for the reasons you state. Not that you are such a good deal but you will be denying your parents of the pleasure of their grand children and that is what we all live for... I did many of the things you "accuse" your father of as my daughter was growing up and she married somebody I would not have picked for her but you know what it is not my call--- At this point in my life if I see her a lot or see her a little it does not matter that much but deny me 5 minutes time with my little baby (grand daughter 4 yrs old) and I go crazy.... that is the sadness you see in your parents face it is not for you or your husband believe me.
It's not the OP's responsibility to provide this guy with grandchildren and fresh victims.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson
I would NEVER take the chance that he would treat my child the same way he treated me. This is a sick puppy and exposing a kid to it is just wrong. IMHO.
RUN! Get away while you can! Take your fiance by the hand and run as fast and as far as you can.
You are about to change your life forever, and believe me, Sweetie, you've got it coming. It will take you years to settle down and stop hearing his voice in your head, but I know (Oh, I KNOW!) that you can do it.
There will come a day when the scared little girl within you will disappear. There may come a day when you write that letter to your father that you always wanted to write.
Try not to despair over the fate of this control freak of a father. He'll be just fine. The most important person int he world is you, and when you get married it will be y'all (forgive me; I am Southern)
I cannot overstate my enthusiasm for your plan. I have been there (long ago) and leaving forever was the thing that saved me.
Run, Molly, RUN!
Yes! Today I spent a good deal of time on a website about family members of narcissists that someone recommended to me somewhere upstream on this thread (thank goodness I have the day off from work lol), and whoa...reading the stories of people who did NOT leave and the hell they went through for decades as a result scared me. Some of them even expressed relief when their parent(s) finally died because it just became too much. I don't want another 30 years of craziness. I'm not saying moving will solve it all, and I'm sure there is only so much damage one can overcome from a lifetime of abuse, but it will be better than this. So I will take whatever positive change I can get and be grateful. I really have so much admiration for people who make efforts to give their kids a healthy emotional and social upbringing; it's such an amazing gift, maybe so much more than they even realize.
I have lived this. You sometimes have to take what may seem like drastic steps toward health. But remember they've had a couple of decades to practice on you. You are just now realizing that you have to be your own advocate since you cannot rely on your parents.
So, the child is to blame for the bizarre parenting she received?
What an.....odd idea.
Odd and upsetting. Though once I calmed down a bit I thought perhaps he or she was just trying to get me to empathize with my mother because she went through things as well. I know she is the only mother I will ever have and for that reason the bond deserves extra effort, but I am still very angry with her. I feel guilt over that as well, but she did earn my anger towards her. It is what it is. I can add it to my "to work on" list for therapy.
I think the improvements were because you set and enforced boundaries. Then you relaxed them, and it's deja vu all over again. Does that ring true?
Agreed. I did work through the "plan" I came up with while in therapy when they began to get abusive this most recent time (I did not react, remained calm, removed myself from the situation as soon as possible). I now feel they never really respected my boundaries to begin with. They just played along, but this was too much of an an affront for them to be able to fake it. Their true faces came out. Lesson learned.
Hopefully you'll have it with your husband's family. If I were you, I'd be putting my energy into developing close, friendly relationships with his family and putting your own at a distance.
Yes, though I am a bit nervous about them thinking me odd for trying so hard to bond with them. I'm not sure how these things work in terms of what is "normal" and what is not; I was always raised to be suspicious of/not let in "outsiders" so I thought every family was the same way, however they have been pretty nice to me so far.
I don't think my fiance has really filled them in on my family dynamics. They are from another state and have not met my family, only me.
That's not what I said. I find it surprising, however, that she's targeting so much of this towards her mother, who sounds like just another victim. It's easy to throw out statements like, "Well, she should've been stronger," and so forth, but the truth is, abuse is insidious, hard to escape, and demoralizes its victims. Her father sounds like a nutbag. I think choosing to target her mother with so much of her anger seems... misplaced.
I never said she should have been stronger---only that she and she alone should shoulder the blame for CHOOSING to abuse me as a response to her discontent with my father. I am understanding of a lot of things, but never this. Whether another victim or not, she was an adult throughout all of this and chose to torture a little girl by verbally, emotionally and physically abusing her, as well as alienating her from any support system she may have had through her own mother or her siblings. I had literally no one, no one to turn to as a kid. My father made me suffer, but she made sure to amplify it whenever possible and worst of all that I suffer in silence. My three siblings could and did commiserate amongst each other and with my mom, and they all looked out for one another. Mother may have had little choice in victimhood, but she absolutely made the choice to be a sadist. She does not get off the hook for that, not for a millisecond.
I realized early on that my narcissist mother was a bad person for me to be around. Fortunately, I learned to accept the mother figures sent my way and appreciate them. I am sorry they weren't there while I was growing up, but am so glad they showed up in my life. Just learn to recognize them. All of them are dead now and the regrets I have had was not letting them know how much I treasured them. It might be a neighbor, a co-worker or boss, or a MIL for you.
Yup! It could happen, happened to me. My husbands family is my family. Besides, think about how much easier holidays will be when you only have one side to visit with
lol yes, an added bonus!
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