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I'd seriously like to know what questions you think are appropriate when you don't know anything about someone.
That's easy. Let's assume it's a party.
"So, now how do you know the host?"
That person will tell you. Chances are, you'll learn a ton of information with that one question, which will lead to other lines of discussion. Their relationship with the host, how they met, where they went to school, etc. The list of potential topics grows with every possible thing they say.
But, ultimately, interrogation isn't a civilized form of conversation. All those first few questions will lead to some understanding of common ground, things you can discuss in greater detail. And if you actually spend most of the time talking about the other person's interests, rather than talking about yourself non-stop, that other person will think you the most interesting conversationalist on the planet.
Asking someone what they do however is, more often than not, an attempt to pigeonhole someone based on job and income level. Hey, if they volunteer what they do, that's one thing. But it's more important to find out what they enjoy in life and how they arrived at that point you met than it is to learn what they do 9-5 every day.
I remember when you were on a tear about people daring to use cell phones at inappropriate times, because you thought it was discourteous. You are very concerned with civility and whatnot in your posts. But here you're proudly talking about making people feel stupid because they ask a perfectly innocuous and common question that you simply don't think is interesting enough. Don't you think there's a bit of a disconnect there? Because that's not really civil. Or kind. Or mature. It's just mean-spirited.
Do you come with a rule book that you can provide to people who may be uncertain how to behave in your august presence? You know, one that tells them when they are allowed to ask certain questions and when they are allowed to use their electronics?
You don't seem to understand that it's entirely possible to change the subject gracefully and with humor, doing so in a way that doesn't make the asker feel bad at all. When confronted with the dread "what-do-you-do-for-a-living" question, I make my standard reply in an off-hand, self-deprecating way and move the discussion to them. Just because they posed an annoying question doesn't mean you get to show annoyance, you know. That's being mature and civil. Even better, it typically yields a much funnier and livelier conversation than answering some oafish question about my job.
It's important to realize that asking people straight-up about their profession isn't innocuous at all. It's an attempt to define you by what you do for a living rather than a host of other possible facets about you. In many cases, what you do for a living carries a large number of connotations that come along with it, like it or not.
As one example, most attorneys I know hate the question because they will almost inevitably have to field a bunch of dumb lawyer jibes, the kind they've been hearing since the day they graduated law school. CPAs are a bit defensive about the stereotype of being dull. Doctors are constantly being asked to provide on-the-spot diagnoses. One friend of ours is an oncologist who hates talking about cancer at social occasions to the point that she'll tell people she's a nurse. I have an acquaintance who works in a funeral home. Or if someone is, say, a tradesman such as a carpenter in a room full of degreed professionals, the question might invite a degree of unwarranted insecurity on his part. Do you see where this is going?
Further, at its lowest level, depending on the person doing the asking, the question can be as much about trying to establish your social rank and to determine your usefulness to the asker as anything else. In that sense, the question can be a dehumanizing one. Hey, I'm successful at my profession, one that is interesting and fun. But my profession isn't what defines me. It's my sense of humor, my tastes in music, my beliefs, my relationship with my amazing wife, the sum total of my experiences, and a host of other things. Those are the things that I want people to know about me before they need to know how I earn my money or a way to finagle a professional connection.
Let's return to your final remarks. I don't have a rule book. I just have awareness. Good manners isn't about knowing where to put the fish fork in a place setting. It's about creating a comfortable social situation for everyone in the room, hence my long-forgotten remarks about mobile phone usage. Whatever those remarks were, they were likely in the same vein as being interrogated about my profession and then assessed accordingly. And since this is a forum about Non-Romantic Relationships, it seems as if discussing the best ways to ensure good relationships with others in a host of situations would be appropriate and welcome.
I suppose when asked, "What do you do?", one could answer with, "When?"
I like this reply because it offers options without judgment.
When asked, "What do you do?" you could say, "Well, during the week I get paid to be a school principal, but on weekends I like to jump out of airplanes."
Then the questioner can choose which road to go down.
When people first meet you and ask "what do you do?"
I only once in my working life - in the mid-60's - did I have a job that fascinated me, and which I felt was contributing something to my life other than money. I enjoyed talking about it.
But somewhere in my late thirties or early forties when people asked the above question, I began answering it exactly as it was asked......I told them what I was doing in my life, and the job of the time came in as an honourable mention.
That person will tell you. Chances are, you'll learn a ton of information with that one question, which will lead to other lines of discussion. Their relationship with the host, how they met, where they went to school, etc. The list of potential topics grows with every possible thing they say.
But, ultimately, interrogation isn't a civilized form of conversation. All those first few questions will lead to some understanding of common ground, things you can discuss in greater detail. And if you actually spend most of the time talking about the other person's interests, rather than talking about yourself non-stop, that other person will think you the most interesting conversationalist on the planet.
Asking someone what they do however is, more often than not, an attempt to pigeonhole someone based on job and income level. Hey, if they volunteer what they do, that's one thing. But it's more important to find out what they enjoy in life and how they arrived at that point you met than it is to learn what they do 9-5 every day.
And if they reply that they work with the host, does your conversation come to a screeching halt?
And if they reply that they work with the host, does your conversation come to a screeching halt?
If they volunteer the information, then that's different. But being volunteered that information isn't the same thing as asking for it. Even then, it's not a wholesale invitation to talk about the other person's job unless they just insist on it. A halfway-decent conversationalist will then steer matters to what it's like to work with Joe, what a great person Joe is, etc., before moving on to more rewarding areas of conversation.
I mean, jeez, I like what I do for a living. It's fun and interesting. It's taken me around the world, put me in all kinds of interesting situations, introduced me to all kinds of interesting people, and I never have the same day twice. But I don't want to talk about it at a cocktail party.
I like this reply because it offers options without judgment.
When asked, "What do you do?" you could say, "Well, during the week I get paid to be a school principal, but on weekends I like to jump out of airplanes."
Then the questioner can choose which road to go down.
The "what do you do" question is a basic starting point for a conversation when people first meet... not sure why it's a big deal? It's one way of getting to know the person... especially when their job consumes 8-12 hours a day of their life.
The "what do you do" question is a basic starting point for a conversation when people first meet... not sure why it's a big deal? It's one way of getting to know the person... especially when their job consumes 8-12 hours a day of their life.
I understand your point, but most people don't want to be defined by their job.
The "what do you do" question is a basic starting point for a conversation when people first meet... not sure why it's a big deal? It's one way of getting to know the person... especially when their job consumes 8-12 hours a day of their life.
I disagree. A lot of people like myself do not care what another does for a living or even if they are retired. So with that view I wouldn't ask that if I am starting a conversation, unless you get to know the person real well. At that point it would be hard not to disclose or lightly discuss.
But maybe most do. I can't relate. I know when to leave it behind and that is when I leave my office.
I don't care to talk about or even bring it up when I am off. It's not important and I only imagine it will be boring to others. If I tell they are not going to care anyway so I do not see the point in anyone asking in the first place. It's not something I do.
Plenty of other things in life to discuss.
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