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from the male perspective who is in the "supposed to marry" position.. my god, this article is spot on.
I'm convinced it's a crap shoot when you get married. Especially when you're young. You just don't know how you or the other person will evolve. I've seen several divorces recently where it was the women who suddenly just decided they'd had enough and left, after having kids and many years of marriage, and the men were left in shock.
I'm gay and married, but that's a whole different topic lol! But we didn't get married until we'd already been together for 17 years and had kids. We mainly got married because we wanted the legal protection since we have children, but after that much time, I think we both had a decent feeling of where the relationship was going and that we were happy with what we have.
Denverian - in the perfect world old people would have some living family member to take care of them. In the real world, it very often doesn't always happen. Go to any nursing home, assisted living facility, etc. and find people with 2,3,4 , etc. children who want nothing to do with them.
Being married or having children does not guarantee an old age filled with loving family. Sooner or later, one spouse will die, children may or may not, for various reasons, have any ability or desire to care for elderly parents. For sure, it's not a good idea to have children thinking they will care for you in old age. Go over to the retirement board and read all the posts from parents who are estranged from their children.
Oh, I know all that. I was never very close to my parents (no details, but I put about 80% of that blame on them) and since my brother is handicapped and in horrible health, and my dad's dying of cancer, my mom will end up alone and I'll probably have to turn her over to Adult Protective Services due to her psychological and health problems. I haven't lived near my parents since I was 18, but again, they ignored me as a child and we never bonded. I go out of my way to bond with my children, but you're right. It's no guarantee.
The OP's son is probably in the same situation we're in.
I moved from a small town in rural TN to Indianapolis and thought there would be more professional women up here that were single. I've really not found that to be the case. Most of the women who are single around my age have kids (turn off), financial problems (turn off), or some other kind of issue. Most of the decent women are already snapped up.
If he is in the same situation, I can't blame him for his hesitation.
I think a lot of men (perhaps most?) fear being alone more than they do women with baggage. The OP's son, though, is apparently doing okay financially, which means he probably has assets and no dependents. Unless he marries a woman who is in a similar healthy financial state also with no dependents, he has an awful lot to lose if it doesn't go well. And at age 35, how many of those women are left? And out of that tiny pool, what are the odds of him finding one that he's compatible with?
I think a lot of men (perhaps most?) fear being alone more than they do women with baggage. The OP's son, though, is apparently doing okay financially, which means he probably has assets and no dependents. Unless he marries a woman who is in a similar healthy financial state also with no dependents, he has an awful lot to lose if it doesn't go well. And at age 35, how many of those women are left? And out of that tiny pool, what are the odds of him finding one that he's compatible with?
Maybe I'm just a real oddball, but I don't think most people are constantly afraid of being alone so much that they will just settle for anything.
I dated a girl a couple of years ago who was fun to be around, but very heavy and not in good shape. She wanted to be around me all the time and I honestly felt smothered. I would rather be alone than be smothered, and there are a lot of weekends where I just go off and do something and I'm glad no one's around.
We also don't know where he lives. In bigger cities, you probably have more women marrying later, focused on their careers, with few kids than you would in a rural area.
Maybe I'm just a real oddball, but I don't think most people are constantly afraid of being alone so much that they will just settle for anything.
I dated a girl a couple of years ago who was fun to be around, but very heavy and not in good shape. She wanted to be around me all the time and I honestly felt smothered. I would rather be alone than be smothered, and there are a lot of weekends where I just go off and do something and I'm glad no one's around.
We also don't know where he lives. In bigger cities, you probably have more women marrying later, focused on their careers, with few kids than you would in a rural area.
I've been in a relationship for 18 years (since my mid 20s) and while I do appreciate a little alone time now and then, I guess I've just become accustomed to having someone around all the time. Last year my partner (now husband) went out of town with our kids for a week and the first two days home alone were heaven. But that was all I could take! I was bored, I missed them, etc. I think if you spend a big chunk of your adult life either alone or with someone, either way, that's what you just get used to and end up wanting.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece
I laugh at the posters who claim this is "helicoptor parenting" or that the OP is "overly involved" is her son's love life. I can only assume those posters are young people with no kids or life experience, or people with horrible parent/child relationships.
Let me tell you something, my 85 year old mother worries about me, her 55 year old daughter, being alone (divorced) and I worry about my 27 year old daughter and 24 year old son being alone. Life is hard, they feel pain and I feel pain and we all know it. Everyone would like the people they love to have someone in their life to help them through AND bring joy to their lives. Even people who are happy being single still need people in some capacity. It doesn't matter if you believe in marriage or had a bad experience with a girl that one time or have no interest in sex so you avoid dating....people still want for you what they know would be something good whether you want it or not. It's not being forced upon you, but you can't force them not to worry about you either. Personally, I'm tired of the occasional late night phone calls from my D when something goes amiss in her life since I'm the one she turns to in crisis. I'd love for her to have more than me for that because I won't be around forever and my mom probably feels the same since she got that end of the stick when my marriage fell apart. Be grateful anyone cares about you at all and enjoy the human experience!
Well your assumption is not correct. And if ya'll worry about each other that much to the point you think about it every damn day.......get help. Being alone is a big damn difference than being lonely.
I laugh at the posters who claim this is "helicoptor parenting" or that the OP is "overly involved" is her son's love life. I can only assume those posters are young people with no kids or life experience, or people with horrible parent/child relationships.
Nope. I'm 65 and my relationship with my mid-30s single sons is totally drama-free. My maternal style might best be described as benign neglect.
Read the first sentence of your fourth paragraph. In fact cut it out, make copies of it and paste those copies to every mirror in your house. Look at them daily.
Then find something else to do with your time. Your son is 35- leave him alone. Do not project any of your feelings onto him - just let him be.
^This. Adding that you realize that a lot of people date, spend the night, etc. and it doesn't mean they plan to marry and set up house. Also, are you that uncomfortable with this or do you get a lot of questions from others about him that make you uncomfortable? Comparing what a daughter shares with what a son shares with the family, very different. If you bugging him about this, that is probably why he doesn't share.
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