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People act like it's so easy to just meet someone and get married, like you can just pick out a wife in the "soulmate" aisle at the supermarket. It's not. It especially becomes more difficult after your mid 30's, as the pickings become much slimmer. I'm 42 and never been married. Would I like to? Sure. But I am not going to put my life on hold until I do, or just marry anyone just to satisfy society. I have a steady job. I have other interests. I ran my first marathon at age 40, rode a 350 mile bike trip with friends on the Great Allegheny Passage last fall, and also generally enjoy my solitude and independence also. It's not like I sit home all day moping about being single.
I had a long-term relationship in my late 20's and she wanted to get married, but I knew I wouldn't be happy with her in the long run. It would've probably ended in divorce, or me just going through the motions for the next 50 years. Is that better than being single? Hardly.
I tried online dating last year and it was horrible. I expected the women I met to be more mature since they were all over 35, but there was more drama and game playing than when I was in my 20's! Like I said, IT IS NOT EASY. Just let your son be and don't worry about it. I'm sure he is "ready" but has not met anyone worth spending his entire life with, or he would have married her. There's nothing "dark and mysterious" about him not wanting to discuss his love life with his mother either, it might not be comfortable for him. Just let him be.
I'll go one better - it's hard to meet anyone to get any kind of a relationship. It does get harder when one gets older.
Agree with the online dating part too. It's a ripoff, overrated, and a very bad deal for men. It was a horrible experience for me.
Very nice post. Just disagree with the marriage part only because I do not want to do that again. I learned my lesson.
Last edited by John13; 08-07-2014 at 12:05 PM..
Reason: typo
I laugh at the posters who claim this is "helicoptor parenting" or that the OP is "overly involved" is her son's love life. I can only assume those posters are young people with no kids or life experience, or people with horrible parent/child relationships.
Let me tell you something, my 85 year old mother worries about me, her 55 year old daughter, being alone (divorced) and I worry about my 27 year old daughter and 24 year old son being alone. Life is hard, they feel pain and I feel pain and we all know it. Everyone would like the people they love to have someone in their life to help them through AND bring joy to their lives. Even people who are happy being single still need people in some capacity. It doesn't matter if you believe in marriage or had a bad experience with a girl that one time or have no interest in sex so you avoid dating....people still want for you what they know would be something good whether you want it or not. It's not being forced upon you, but you can't force them not to worry about you either. Personally, I'm tired of the occasional late night phone calls from my D when something goes amiss in her life since I'm the one she turns to in crisis. I'd love for her to have more than me for that because I won't be around forever and my mom probably feels the same since she got that end of the stick when my marriage fell apart. Be grateful anyone cares about you at all and enjoy the human experience!
Although I do know a very social aunt of a good friend that was always inviting people to as she put it get togethers... she was always looking to bring people together and there are at least 5 or 6 couple that met through her...
When I was a youngish widow a met a great guy who was a bachelor. At the time I was 50 and he was 48. He had a good career, a nice home and was handsome with a wonderful personality. We dated for several months and then he took me home to meet his parents. They loved me and were so happy. He had told them he had found "the one" and I was in love with him. We talked about marriage and it was all going great. But little things began to corrode our connection. He didn't return phone calls for a couple of days when he got busy. We would make plans and then I would be all ready for the hike/movie/dinner, etc. and he'd say "let's do something else, I don't feel like it any more." He was a neat freak to the point that he kept everything in its original box. So, for example, if you used the toaster you had to completely sanitize it like you were going to return it to the store and put it back in its original box. Basically, my initial affection for his sense of humor and sweet & good character remained but my ability to sustain an interest in creating a life together waned. Even tho I tried to work on issues with him, his discomfort in changing and my frustration with his quirks made the relationship come to an end. We dated seriously for a year. Then we didn't speak for about a year. Then, we missed eachother and re-connected as friends and continued to get together for lunches and some outings (we both liked to fly personal aircraft). His parents and all his many, many friends always expressed confusion about "why???" it didn't work. But, some people just are quirky and finding the right match is like finding a needle in a haystack. It may take decades, it may never happen. Unfortunately my friend died of cancer a few years ago. I sat with the family at the funeral...
This describes about every single person (male, female, gay, straight) I know who's over 40 and never been in a truly long-term relationship. They're nice people who function well, have careers, but they just have quirks about them, they're unable to compromise on much of anything and can be difficult to get along with at times. Some of them still look for love, others have given up and seem happy being single.
Like you say, they could find someone who's a match, but with their personalities, it's much more difficult. My only concern for people like that is, what happens when they're really old and have no children or person to care for them?
Ceece- you know what they say about " assuming". I'm one of those people who think the OP is overly involved in her son's life.
I've been happily married for close to forty years with three sons in their 30's. It would never, ever occur to me to discuss their love lives on the internet. They are grown men. They were raised to be independent and strong minded.
That's how they turned out- mentally and emotionally tough with good thinking skills. As a parent I trust their judgment completely. I trust them to know what is best for each of them. Whether I agree or disagree doesn't matter. I don't project my feelings onto them. If they want my opinion on something they'll ask. I'll give it, I don't expect them to take it. That's the whole point of having kids. You raise them to survive in the world. You raise them so they can take off as young adults and make their own way through life. You raise them to give them the skills to find their own happiness. Their happiness may be the opposite of what I as a parent may have wished.
However, they are not extensions of me, they are independent individuals. If they're happy, I'm happy. Does that mean DH & I don't worry about them. Of course not. What we don't worry about is their love lives. We trust them to make the right decisions for themselves. By giving them that freedom, it's kept us extremely emotionally close as a family.
I laugh at the posters who claim this is "helicoptor parenting" or that the OP is "overly involved" is her son's love life. I can only assume those posters are young people with no kids or life experience, or people with horrible parent/child relationships.
Wrong and wrong!
I am pushing 60, married over 30 years, with two wonderful kids with whom I have excellent relationships (their spouses too!).
I would never post on the internet what the OP posted.
Their love lives are none of my business... and certainly not something I would want the advice of strangers on!
The OP is not just overly involved - she wants the posters here involved too.
Denverian - in the perfect world old people would have some living family member to take care of them. In the real world, it very often doesn't always happen. Go to any nursing home, assisted living facility, etc. and find people with 2,3,4 , etc. children who want nothing to do with them.
Being married or having children does not guarantee an old age filled with loving family. Sooner or later, one spouse will die, children may or may not, for various reasons, have any ability or desire to care for elderly parents. For sure, it's not a good idea to have children thinking they will care for you in old age. Go over to the retirement board and read all the posts from parents who are estranged from their children.
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I should have stayed single...
