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I'm 25 and I was the result of an accidental pregnancy. My parents never really had a serious relationship, only a short lived fling.
I've always lived with my mother and she has been amazing as a mum. She gave up on her entire personal life to take care me. She worked and raised me brilliantly and despite the circumstances of my birth, she only had love to give. She's truly the best woman I know.
My father is a very different story. I was always an afterthought in his life. He always helped financially, quite generously actually. He helped pay for a number of things, including college. I give him that and I'll always be in debt with him for that.
But he was never meant to have a kid. He visited me regularly with big gaps in between when he travelled due to his job. I don't remember a single gesture of affection for him or true dedication on his part. Whenever I spent time with him, he would have a nanny to take care of me.
I've been away from my hometwon for 9 months and I've just returned. I noticed that while I was away he would call me more frequently than usual, even though we don't have much to say to each other. When I arrived back at the airport, he wanted to be there with my mother, another thing that I thought was very unusual from him.
He turned 63 a few days ago and when I called he invited me to spend a few days at his beach house. I asked why and he said he just wanted to spend some time with me. I said I would have to check my schedule and I would call him back later.
I mean, I hold no grudges towards him but does he think we're suddenly father and son? I was astonished when I told this to my mother and she defended him! She said I should accept his invitation because despite everything even he deserves a chance.
What should I do?
My story is similar although my dad is a bit "better" for lack of a better way of saying it. A few years ago my dad started trying to get closer to me, we weren't as separated as you and your dad but I did find it a bit annoying at first. What doesn't help also for me is that me and my dad are just polar opposites in who we are as people. I would never hangout with him as a buddy because of how he is and how he views the world. My dad is older than yours and his wife died a couple of years ago and he's now alone. I'm trying to be the better man and let him think that we have a good relationship when in reality I don't think we do, he's a pain in the butt and I can only spend a couple of days around him when I go visit. He live out of state from me.
So, long story short, you can choose the be the better man that your mother raised and give the guy a shot, you can take it slow and see how things go or you can choose to blow him off.
I highly recommend going to visit him....maybe you can gain some greater understanding 'why' he is the way he is/has been the way he was to you.
Do it while there is the opportunity.
That's what I've been doing with my Dad recently and it's helping me move on from the abuse & neglect significantly. I am very glad that I have this opportunity. Do not let it pass you by FOR REAL!!!!
Maybe he's been trying to make up for lost time. Maybe money was his way of showing you he cared. I can tell you there are plenty of parents who don't give their kids a dime for college. Paying for your college education was a big deal especially since you were estranged. You say you don't owe him for that money, but he didn't owe you a college education. Sounds like he made sure you weren't homeless, had a roof over your head, had food, and was taken care of. It may only be money, but your mom would probably have struggled without it. You certainly would have struggled without it. College isn't free, but he paid for it for you.
What have you got to lose by giving him a chance? Spend some time with him. You may discover you have a lot in common. He may be sorry he missed out on your life. He may be sick. He may just miss you. He may be hurting. You really don't know what happened between him and your mother all these years. He could ave asked to see you and she said no. She may never tell you that. He may have been watching you at school, the playground, etc you didn't know. What does it hurt to spend a day with him? It's one day! If you don't have a day to give to someone, you really should think about your priorities in life. Someday someone won't have a day to give you in return. Don't be that guy.
Go and give him a chance.
My parents both suffer from dementia and are getting to the stages that they don't know who I am any more.
It's a horrible thing to have happen, when your own parent doesn't know you.
He's not been an ideal father from what you've written, but he's now making an attempt to get to know you.
Forgive him for his lack of proper fathering skills, and see what the two of you can do to enjoy each other...
I hope you both find peace in your developing relationship.
Give him a try, some people take a long time to grow up and it may have been more painful to have him involved during that time. You don't have to walk down memory lane and sit on his lap, just look forward and maybe you'll have a new friend. Families and friends come in all shapes and sizes Good luck.
My FIL was always too busy for his son until he retired and his second wife died. Then all of a sudden he wanted my husband to spend lots of time with him, and do lots of home repairs for him (my hubby is a great guy but he is not and will never be much of a handyman) and haul things around in our truck for him. My husband wanted to spend his time off with me and our daughter, not working like a dog for his dad. His dad also didn't want to have anything to do with our kids since they weren't boys and wanted my husband to divorce me and "marry someone who could give him sons," and he kept going on about that to me, how it was my obligation to let him go so he could carry on the family name, as if it was a matter of royal succession or something, not who was going to inherit FIL's mortgage and his stack of nudie magazines.
My husband always resented his dad too much to form any kind of meaningful adult relationship with him. I used to encourage him to try because I thought it was the right thing to do. Once FIL started going on about needing to free up my husband to make sons with someone else, I ceased all efforts to help them get along and I quit nagging my husband to spend time with his dad, so he quit spending any time with him at all. When his dad died, he hadn't seen him in 5 or 6 years.
Anyhow, you can't force it and you don't have any obligation to your father because of his financial support during your childhood. So give it a try, and if it's just too uncomfortable, don't feel like you have to maintain a relationship.
Is there any chance your father might have an illness that he is dealing with?
I don't think so and I hope it isn't. I obviously don't mean him any harm.
He's always been super healthy and sporty. He still exercises a lot, never smoked, doesn't drink.
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