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And I've been there for the birth of my 2 kids (I thought I'd have to deliver the second one!).
I wouldn't count any of those days as some the biggest highs or biggest checkpoints of my life. They are NOTHING compared to the day to day joys of being with my wife or laughing with my son or being beat up by my 2 year old daughter. And I literally had the best wedding I have ever been to (best venue, best food, best vistas, short ceremony, plenty booze...lol). Those memories are there, but they have faded to a pleasant fuzzy thing.
I think if I were you, I'd remind myself that the party or one-time event seems bigger than it is because of the fanfare. Fanfare always makes things look better than they are (like the new McDonald's french fry fork).
That is what I have been doing. Their happiness gets nauseating after a while while I struggle to just get dates. If you can put up with that, you are a better person than I am.
Well, I am a lot older than you are, so I've been practicing longer.
But just as a warning, I wanted to be married so much that I married someone who I should have known did not really love me. I knew if I did not stay with him, I would not have another chance. It was about 16 years of heartache, and some more to recover from it. I am glad I got my daughter out of it, but trust me, it is far better to be alone by yourself than to be alone and in a relationship.
I still have moments. A few years ago, I moved to a new area and decided to start going to a church to meet people. Didn't want to go to a bar, because I have a tendency to end up taking care of alkies. Not long after I started going, this couple in their fifties announced that they would be getting married during an upcoming regular church service. Everyone was happy for them. I did not want to sit through that, so that Sunday, I got up, hopped in my car, drove the eighty miles to Atlantic City and played some Let-It-Ride, walked on the boardwalk, and got a burger and fries at Johnny Rockets. Sometimes ya gotta do what's best for your own head.
You also have to be able to enjoy your own company if you're going to be alone, whether by choice or not.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 05-11-2017 at 08:40 PM..
As I come closer to hitting my thirties, I'm seeing my friends have the weddings, the baby showers, sending their kids to school for the first time, celebrating their parents 25th and up anniversaries. I'm seeing the joy in their eyes and more and more because of the life choices I've made, I get a little saddened when I realized these things will not be a part of my life. What I mean:
- I've decided that I'm not interested in marriage.
- I've LONG decided that I do not want any children.
- I've probably reached the height of my education career with completing a hard program.
- One parent is dead and one is done with looking for love (probably for the best.)
So anyone who has decided on a childfree or anti-marriage life, how do you deal with the fact you won't hit some of life's biggest checkpoints?
I think you are romanticizing what you don't have. Many families are embroiled in hatred and sibling rivalry, many people have dead spouses, many children don't talk much, or at all, to their parents, most people HATE going to weddings, 50% of married people divorce, many people have handicapped kids that they'd never dreamed they'd have to put up with and take care of forever. Many people smoke. Many people are drunks. Life is a mess. Your goal shouldn't be to worry about the silly checkpoints that you won't have. Enjoy the checkpoints you make that you will have. Long run, it's of little importance. You are born alone, you will die alone, and the only thing between those 2 endpoints is the time you spend doing what you love. Enjoy what you have, or make what you have better. Beyond that? It doesn't really matter.
I am married, but we eloped in Las Vegas, so we didn't do the traditional "wedding" thing. And I am glad. I have been to my cousins' weddings, my friends' weddings. $30,000 affairs that weren't even that much fun. Their parents all paid for theirs, so it was probably "worth it" to them. We would have had to pay for our own, and the idea of spending months planning the perfect minute details for a wedding -- mostly for people who I barely see and who would only show up because they felt like they "should" -- and spending the equivalent of a brand new car on it was incredibly unappealing. My husband and I had a wonderful long weekend in Las Vegas and tied the knot. Boom.
As for kids, I've never been interested. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always said I didn't want kids. I'm 29 now and still don't. Hubby is indifferent about it...he says he'd be fine with having kids and fine without. I don't feel like I'm missing out at all. I do ooh and ahh over my friends' babies, but I honestly don't even really want to hold them. I think their toddlers and small children are cute and funny, but I don't have any desire to have any, and I do get annoyed by them if I'm around them for too long.
We have dogs and cats to keep us company and keep us entertained, but we can take them to Pet Palace or pay a friend or family member to take care of them when we want to travel. We can spoil our nephew and my cousins' small children when we feel like it. I don't feel like I'm missing out on the kid experience at all.
I would say I am sad at times. Never really had the idea in my head. Kids marriage the happily ever after. Being a handicapped guy odds are long at best. Fell deeply in love in college started wanting kids to be marriage all that. She told she did not love me. Married a guy has a two kids and I am sure very happy. Like a poster said it's not that I decided. It's not that run away from the altar I never got close. I was given a set of cards in life to play. It's been a hard road but that is life. Marriage and a family are not in the cards. But I have been blessed in other ways.
Marriage is crazy right now. The courts will side against you because it's all your fault. The wife can take away the kids period and you'll have to pay for them and alimony or go to jail. Debtor's prison has returned. You'll lose your house and half your assets. And your relationship will change dramatically after she has a kid, the survival instinct kicks in and she'll seek out the best deal possible and easily ********* (not literally).
Marriage is crazy right now. The courts will side against you because it's all your fault. The wife can take away the kids period and you'll have to pay for them and alimony or go to jail. Debtor's prison has returned. You'll lose your house and half your assets. And your relationship will change dramatically after she has a kid, the survival instinct kicks in and she'll seek out the best deal possible and easily ********* (not literally).
Juice not worth the squeeze. Sad.
And this happened in your marriage? You were outraged that you are legally required to financially support your children?
I decided long ago that marriage, kids, and a suburban life was absolutely not for me. You can still very well live a full life without doing any of those things. My social circle has very few people living the settled down suburban life. We're all young, single, childfree, and live in the urban cores of major metros, and will do so even as we age.
As I come closer to hitting my thirties, I'm seeing my friends have the weddings, the baby showers, sending their kids to school for the first time, celebrating their parents 25th and up anniversaries. I'm seeing the joy in their eyes and more and more because of the life choices I've made, I get a little saddened when I realized these things will not be a part of my life. What I mean:
- I've decided that I'm not interested in marriage.
- I've LONG decided that I do not want any children.
- I've probably reached the height of my education career with completing a hard program.
- One parent is dead and one is done with looking for love (probably for the best.)
So anyone who has decided on a childfree or anti-marriage life, how do you deal with the fact you won't hit some of life's biggest checkpoints?
My biggest concern is my future health. I've had relatives who've gone through very serious health-related troubles before age 70 and it would have been extremely difficult for them to have gone through it alone. My dad got spinal cancer, and recovered from it, and learned to walk again, and to a lesser extent run again. My aunt was in a car accident when slipped on black ice and hit her had and temporarily went what might as well be called crazy. My uncle had his appendix removed, and experiencing least one of these sorts of major obstacles seems to get pretty likely with age. I'm not particularly wealthy either...so things could become interesting as I get on in age.
Marriage and children just seem like they'd be a steady string of negatives to me personally, aside from the health and financial support aspect.
There are things I won't get to experience that seem more sad to me though. I'd like to live on Mars for awhile, for example. I won't get to experience having children, but there are plenty of other things I won't get to experience that I'd like to experience more.
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