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Same here. I'm an INTJ female, and most people just don't know how to take us. Phony "niceness" is the norm, and honesty is hard for most people to swallow. But fly your freak flag high and proud anyway!
I am an INTJ female, also, but I am NOT mean and I do NOT view being nice as being "phony". However, as I am actually almost an ISFJ and have almost as much "feeling" as I do "thinking" in my personality, maybe that explains why I DO take other people's feelings into consideration when I deal with them.
And, btw, I am VERY honest -- but when I am honest, I am as nice as I can be without being rudely blunt, and I do NOT apologize for that! I think the world would be a much nicer place if more people were like that.
And, btw, since when did "nice" become almost a dirty word in the minds of some people? (And I am not directing this last to you, Otterhere, but I am just asking it as a general kind of question.)
This might shed some light. A coworker has been calling me "insincere". And this is someone who actually likes me and is on my side. But he says that I have a sarcastic way about me. He's not sure if I mean what I say (like if I'm giving compliments, am I making fun of him or actually mean it?). I know what he's talking about. It's the way my family talks around each other. I guess other people pick up on it from me and it turns them off.
I think of "nice" as being more superficial and often for appearances' sake. I like to think that I'm "good" rather than "nice."
Yes, I think you are onto something, and that "nice" might be a matter of definition.
When I think of "nice", I think of "pleasant, kind, considerate, polite" and not necessarily phony, although I know that plenty of people are "phony nice", meaning that they just act as though they are nice, but are actually far from being so.
I tend to have a blunt/abrasive personality. If people like me they call me sassy and deadpan. If they don't, they call me mean and b*tchy. I grew up with my family calling me mean and they still do. It hurt me so much I had to move away from them to the other side of the country. I never had mean intentions. I was a bratty kid who needed discipline but my parents couldn't do it because they were too busy with work or just preoccupied with whatever. I have tried so hard to be nice most of my life I think I have become a doormat. I force myself to smile all the time. I don't ever complain when something is wrong. I keep everything bottled inside. I have let this affect my confidence and I try to be smaller than I am because I don't want to be "mean". I keep quiet most of the time because once I speak my mind I become "mean". It's held me back so much in so many ways. My friend tells me I just have to find people who like me for the way I am and he's right. I was dating someone recently who kept calling me mean. I thought he was joking but he broke up with me today and I realized he probably really thought I was mean. I never had mean intentions. I was actually trying so hard to be loving and accommodating. I knew it wasn't right though and I couldn't break it off. I'm glad it's over but I just hate it when people call me mean when I know I'm not.
Nobody wants to deal with someone who is abrasive. You've been getting negative feedback ostensibly most of your life. Your relationships suffer. Can you not see the trend? Your presentation is horrible and you come off as offensive. You admit to having been an undisciplined brat, blunt and abrasive. You can continue on this path and nothing will change. That's cool, but understand that others may not want to be around you.
If you talk b*tchy and act b*tchy....well, that makes you b*tchy. It doesn't seem to me that everyone else is your problem. Try these tips if you want to change: Check your tone. Think before you move your lips and say something that may not convey your good-natured disposition, and as the old adage says, "shut your face if you can't say something nice or productive."
"I have tried so hard to be nice most of my life I think I have become a doormat. I force myself to smile all the time. I don't ever complain when something is wrong. I keep everything bottled inside. I have let this affect my confidence and I try to be smaller than I am because I don't want to be "mean". I keep quiet most of the time because once I speak my mind I become "mean". It's held me back so much in so many ways."
Actually, it sounds like you're trying too hard to be "nice." And if that's not your natural personality, that's not gonna work. I agree with the advice to find people who like you as you are (and this could be geographic in nature; people in the "hospitable" deep south are very different from people in "rude" New York City). Be yourself... Everyone else is taken!
"I have tried so hard to be nice most of my life I think I have become a doormat. I force myself to smile all the time. I don't ever complain when something is wrong. I keep everything bottled inside. I have let this affect my confidence and I try to be smaller than I am because I don't want to be "mean". I keep quiet most of the time because once I speak my mind I become "mean". It's held me back so much in so many ways."
Actually, it sounds like you're trying too hard to be "nice." And if that's not your natural personality, that's not gonna work. I agree with the advice to find people who like you as you are (and this could be geographic in nature; people in the "hospitable" deep south are very different from people in "rude" New York City). Be yourself... Everyone else is taken!
Do you think people run away because they sense I'm not being authentic?
I don't know, but I'm sure people CAN sense it, and I'm also sure it must be exhausting for you! At any rate, you must be very uncomfortable in your own skin if you feel you have to "act" around others. And people certainly pick up on that (smell fear). You might as well be yourself -- good, bad, or ugly. The truth will come out eventually anyway! People really aren't required to be "nicety nice" everywhere in this world. Find the place where you'll naturally fit in rather than trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Like I said, I'm also direct and straightforward and don't engage in BS, which makes me a very weird character in my (current) small southern town, but that's okay; I'm not changing myself to suit others. I also don't plan to stay here.
You've got to love yourself first and, in order to do that, you've got to BE yourself.
Nobody wants to deal with someone who is abrasive. You've been getting negative feedback ostensibly most of your life. Your relationships suffer. Can you not see the trend? Your presentation is horrible and you come off as offensive. You admit to having been an undisciplined brat, blunt and abrasive. You can continue on this path and nothing will change. That's cool, but understand that others may not want to be around you.
If you talk b*tchy and act b*tchy....well, that makes you b*tchy. It doesn't seem to me that everyone else is your problem. Try these tips if you want to change: Check your tone. Think before you move your lips and say something that may not convey your good-natured disposition, and as the old adage says, "shut your face if you can't say something nice or productive."
With all due respect, it is really not that simplistic. I am happy you can change your traits simply by willing them to change but most of us have to work on it, with or without professional help.
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