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I tend to have a blunt/abrasive personality. If people like me they call me sassy and deadpan. If they don't, they call me mean and b*tchy. I grew up with my family calling me mean and they still do. It hurt me so much I had to move away from them to the other side of the country. I never had mean intentions. I was a bratty kid who needed discipline but my parents couldn't do it because they were too busy with work or just preoccupied with whatever. I have tried so hard to be nice most of my life I think I have become a doormat. I force myself to smile all the time. I don't ever complain when something is wrong. I keep everything bottled inside. I have let this affect my confidence and I try to be smaller than I am because I don't want to be "mean". I keep quiet most of the time because once I speak my mind I become "mean". It's held me back so much in so many ways. My friend tells me I just have to find people who like me for the way I am and he's right. I was dating someone recently who kept calling me mean. I thought he was joking but he broke up with me today and I realized he probably really thought I was mean. I never had mean intentions. I was actually trying so hard to be loving and accommodating. I knew it wasn't right though and I couldn't break it off. I'm glad it's over but I just hate it when people call me mean when I know I'm not.
GKelly, people have told me that I sounded "mean" when I speak - perhaps it's 'cause I'm originally from New York, but in reality, I'm a teddy bear. Look, I've been walked on in life too; I've had people disrespect me and bad mouth me - who hasn't? But despite all that's happened, you need to not look back on bad experiences - move forward, be positive, and walk with your head high and your chest out.
Up until a couple years ago, my self-confidence was in the crapper. Know what I did? I stopped giving a damn what others thought of me. I'm very sorry for your breakup, but take a look at yourself, and try to lighten up...listen, the world's NOT out to get you! If you encounter someone who reeks of negativity, and tries to bring you down, your best bargaining tool is your feet - walk away from the negative, and don't look back!
And try to let things go. It's not worth raising your blood pressure.
nice and caring are not the same thing and to be nice but unhelpful is mean too.
If you truly care for a thing or a person act on the impulses that arise from that concern and your strait forward personality will come off to each observer as much as THEY CARE FOR YOU.
the ones who understand will stick out one way, and then ones who criticize will stick out in another
So they divide themselves plainly into those who consider the truth and those focused on how things make themselves feel
take heart to those who consider the truth and pay no mind to those who are merely obsessed with their own emotional-state.
If you find you've truly been being mean, you can from there start on changing that. if you arent dead you can be better then you were... provided you weren't good enough before
Do people think that your are "mean" because of WHAT you say, or HOW you say it? Perhaps you get a "LOOK" that can come across as being angry? Have you asked anyone what it was that was "mean"?
If this has happened for years with many people who don't know each other, maybe there IS something to their beliefs that you may not even be aware of. By feeling that you have become a door mat, maybe you are putting out a vibe of resentment and are being passive aggressive due to your frustrations.
It can be difficult to differentiate, what you are feeling vs. what it may sound or look like to other people because you may not even be aware of it. Although apparently people have told you that you have acted mean, you have not seen it. Possibly therapy would help.
I know that for years, when I was concentrating on a task I would look so serious that I often would have people telling me to "smile, it can't be that bad" because they thought I was upset or angry or resentful about something. I was not even aware that I was frowning or scowling. I actually did starte to become resentful, feeling like "Why should I HAVE to smile all the time?" But, I had to realize that if that many people were seeing the same thing, maybe there was something to what they were saying. So, I started to make a point of smiling. After awhile it simply became second nature and people around me seemed to become nicer I in return became happier with my life in general.
My mother always believed that she was direct and liked to say that she was simply "telling it like I see it". However many people felt that she was actually being rude. She would defend her actions by saying that she just couldn't bear other peoples (coworkers, sales people, wait staff) stupidity and attitudes. Even after family and friends pointed out that she was the one with the attitude and that they were embarrassed to go out with her in public, she continued. By the time she passed, very few people were talking to her. She had alienated virtually everyone in her life.
Again, please consider giving therapy a chance. Maybe they can show you what you are "doing wrong" and how to correct it. Maybe the therapist will tell you that you are right and they are wrong. Either way, at least you will know.
Think about that both from your view point and then from how its being absorbed by the receiver.
During a therepy class we were video'd having conversations...None of us were aware. Luckily our therapist "walked" us thru how our body language, tone and facial expressions were being interpreted. What a eye opener! Some of us were having "unhealthy" ways of conveying our view points...and in turn receiving back what we were putting out there.
In communications its called "echoing"...fascinating how a different tone, or stance can change a scenario....
I have been called mean by a few people. Especially when I set a boundary or say "NO" to them.
The fact is, I cannot sugarcoat my language and refuse to do so when I'm talking to adults. I don't believe in pretending things are anything other than what they are.
I am going to be real with someone whether they like it or not. Some people I know can handle it, they are the same way I am, and we get along well because we respect each other's boundaries. Other people are delicate snowflakes who don't like someone setting boundaries with them. Fine, they can get lost as far as I'm concerned.
Honestly, I don't even know anymore. People call me rude when I try to be friendly and get past the awkwardness. I am seeing a therapist and she thinks I have a very skewed perception of myself. I tell her I think I'm socially awkward and I have done bad things but when I explain, she doesn't see it at all. She thinks I view myself too negatively.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 9 days ago)
35,635 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50665
If everyone - or MANY people reject you because they say you're mean, it's because you ARE mean, GKelly. If people call you rude when you're trying to be friendly, it's because you ARE rude.
There's a social nuance you aren't getting that everyone else gets.
You need to have some kind of intervention here. You are apparently rude and mean, and for some reason you aren't able to see it. I have an acquaintance that's like that, and God knows why she can't see it and incorporate it into her behavior. She says the ugliest most bizarre off the wall things all the time, that leave the room in shocked silence when she thinks she's being kind of cute and funny. The rest of the room looks at each other like "did she just SAY that?"
You need to find a friend who will tell you what you're doing wrong that's putting everyone off, and you need to believe them and try to incorporate that into your social behavior.
Or, maybe I could introduce you to my acquaintance who seems baffled that she puts people off all the time, and you two could get a good laugh at the rest of us. ;D
Being blunt is one thing (and also an excuse for a lot of people to eschew being polite), but being abrasive is very difficult to be around. Frankly, it's unpleasant. I don't think you can fault people for not putting up with rude behavior while waiting around for your good intentions to catch up.
Keep going to counseling.
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