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Honestly, I don't even know anymore. People call me rude when I try to be friendly and get past the awkwardness. I am seeing a therapist and she thinks I have a very skewed perception of myself. I tell her I think I'm socially awkward and I have done bad things but when I explain, she doesn't see it at all. She thinks I view myself too negatively.
Listen to your therapist, she is on the right track.
In your first post you discussed how you grew up hearing negative comments about yourself from your family. Those "tapes" from your childhood are still playing in your head.
If you can work through all the garbage that growing up with negative people has left in your head you will get through this.
Don't let other's opinions control how you feel about yourself. I've been there, as an emotionally abused wife, I had super low self esteem. It was hard to work through all those insecurities but it can be done and it feels great! Remember, you are not responsible for someone else's feelings.
And, perhaps the next time someone says that you are mean, if you know them ask them to explain what you did that they perceive as mean? That makes them responsible for their own perception. It can be enlightening.
I think that "mean" is an overused term.....If someone doesn't like what you say, their defense is "you're mean" Not, that they are being selfish, or expecting too much from you.
I've linked a few self-affirmation sites. Those can help you change your inner voice. Practice saying positive things to yourself everyday. Use post it notes and put them up on your bathroom mirror, your frig, your desk....wherever. Say them out loud to yourself. Take care of you! the rest will follow.
It sounds like you don't have the skills to be assertive, so that you are either silently holding things in or aggressively blurting them out/lashing out.There is a famous book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud that might be helpful.
The word "mean" to me is to say that you are unnecessarily hurtful in the manner of your remarks or actions. For the example of someone asking how you like their new (ugly) dress: you can say (a) "I'm not sure green is your color" or you can say (b) "It looks like crap, that color reminds me of baby poop and it makes your butt look big". Obviously (a) is tactful while still honest, but (b) is mean, unnecessarily hurtful. In the case of laundry there is a middle ground between being tactful, and it's a sort of boundary setting tone: (a) "Sorry, I can't help I've got ton of stuff to do", or (b) "I'm not comfortable doing that, I just feel that's not my place", or (c) "You're so lazy. Do it yourself, I'm not your slave".
Do you see the difference? It's a matter of tone. Blunt and abrasive, the terms you use to describe yourself are very negative terms. So you do recognize the behaviors in yourself on which you need to work. Bluntness can be needed when one is pushed to set a boundary or make a point in the extreme, but for everyday speech, bluntness is often considered rudeness, by me and most other people, and abrasiveness is too be avoided at all costs in a polite conversation.
I think that "mean" is an overused term.....If someone doesn't like what you say, their defense is "you're mean" Not, that they are being selfish, or expecting too much from you.
I think saying "you're mean" sounds almost childish. I have a friend who doesn't respect other's boundaries, and when they remind her to be careful she blurts out "everyone is being mean to me!" which doesn't really analyze what the problem is. She interprets things like a 5 year old would. She fails to see or understand how she offends other people.
The fact that people telling the OP have nothing constructive to say other than "you're mean" tells me they are likely the problem, not the OP.
Environments aren't into or extro, the people in them are. Many introverts function just fine out in public among many other people (myself included).
An introvert generally prefers solitary activities to interacting with large groups of people. If you would rather work through your feelings in your diary than have a conversation, then you are an introvert.
These two personality types are opposites — introverts focus inward, into their own thoughts, and extroverts focus outward, into the world. But don't get too excited; most people are a little bit of both.
Introvert comes from Latin intro-, "inward," and vertere, "turning."
It describes a person who tends to turn inward mentally. Introverts sometimes avoid large groups of people, feeling more energized by time alone. The opposite of an introvert is an extrovert, who finds energy in interactions with others. Introvert can also be a verb, meaning literally to "fold inward," or to "turn inward," as when a child's personality seems to introvert once she starts elementary school.
It sounds like you don't have the skills to be assertive, so that you are either silently holding things in or aggressively blurting them out/lashing out.There is a famous book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud that might be helpful.
There is no positive side to being "abrasive"
Thank you. You hit the nail on the head. I'm working on being more assertive with my therapist.
I tend to have a blunt/abrasive personality. If people like me they call me sassy and deadpan. If they don't, they call me mean and b*tchy. I grew up with my family calling me mean and they still do. It hurt me so much I had to move away from them to the other side of the country. I never had mean intentions. I was a bratty kid who needed discipline but my parents couldn't do it because they were too busy with work or just preoccupied with whatever. I have tried so hard to be nice most of my life I think I have become a doormat. I force myself to smile all the time. I don't ever complain when something is wrong. I keep everything bottled inside. I have let this affect my confidence and I try to be smaller than I am because I don't want to be "mean". I keep quiet most of the time because once I speak my mind I become "mean". It's held me back so much in so many ways. My friend tells me I just have to find people who like me for the way I am and he's right. I was dating someone recently who kept calling me mean. I thought he was joking but he broke up with me today and I realized he probably really thought I was mean. I never had mean intentions. I was actually trying so hard to be loving and accommodating. I knew it wasn't right though and I couldn't break it off. I'm glad it's over but I just hate it when people call me mean when I know I'm not.
I think that you sound like a nice person. It sounds like you just tell the truth instead of lying to people. I think sometimes people don't want to hear the truth and then get upset if you do tell it like it is.
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