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People don't like it its their personal problem. You don't sound mean at all. I'm blunt too its a learned behavior for me to defend against bullies. Best of luck and keep your chin up.
People don't like it its their personal problem. You don't sound mean at all. I'm blunt too its a learned behavior for me to defend against bullies. Best of luck and keep your chin up.
Yes. But with someone you don't know well, you also want to be cordial, but if they're less than so, show your bluntness if necessary.
To state something very obvious, different people have different personalities. I am a nice person who thinks that the best traits someone can have are "niceness" (being pleasant, polite and considerate) and being honest -- but given the choice between being honest and being nice, I will compromise and be as honest as I can without being mean, and phrasing my comments as nicely and politely as possible -- and only when asked for my opinion or if I feel that my criticism/advice is necessary (such as when training someone).
Now, given the above, I have been "called out" for being dishonest when I am not 100%, all-out, bluntly (rudely) honest; and I have also been accused of being insincere for being "too" nice. Although those comments have hurt my feelings and I do disagree with that, I have come to grips with the idea that I mostly like who I am -- and If other people don't like me or like certain things about me, then that is their problem. (And, frankly, I don't like those people who don't like it when others are "too" nice. And, btw, I am not talking about fake, syrupy, dishonest people who are just SO nice to someone's face but then say bitchy things about her to others; those kinds of people disgust me.)
My point, OP, is that there are plenty of people out there who have the same kind of personality and way of dealing with people as you do; and as long as it doesn't interfere with you finding or keeping a job, I would just learn to accept the way you are and start looking for people who are compatible with you and will accept you just the way you are.
However, from your posts, I find it very difficult to believe that you ARE a mean or rude person. I think it is entirely possible that you are being much too hard on yourself, and you have just had some bad luck in your friends and acquaintances.
Last edited by katharsis; 08-15-2017 at 03:38 PM..
Think about that both from your view point and then from how its being absorbed by the receiver.
During a therepy class we were video'd having conversations...None of us were aware. Luckily our therapist "walked" us thru how our body language, tone and facial expressions were being interpreted. What a eye opener! Some of us were having "unhealthy" ways of conveying our view points...and in turn receiving back what we were putting out there.
In communications its called "echoing"...fascinating how a different tone, or stance can change a scenario....
I've had a couple of extremely blunt people in my life, and I tried really hard to overlook it. There hearts *might* have been in the right place, but not the right place for ME, and my personality.
I liked them for other reasons, but was actually glad when they moved out of my life due to changing life circumstances.
But my guess would be if you continue to get this feedback, and it matters to you (or you wouldn't have posted), maybe a third party observer could give you some hints. I've actually wished for this, since I seem to get interrupted more than the average conversationalist, LOL.
Not all of us can run out there and hire a therapist.
I tend to have a blunt/abrasive personality. If people like me they call me sassy and deadpan. If they don't, they call me mean and b*tchy. I grew up with my family calling me mean and they still do. It hurt me so much I had to move away from them to the other side of the country. I never had mean intentions. I was a bratty kid who needed discipline but my parents couldn't do it because they were too busy with work or just preoccupied with whatever. I have tried so hard to be nice most of my life I think I have become a doormat. I force myself to smile all the time. I don't ever complain when something is wrong. I keep everything bottled inside. I have let this affect my confidence and I try to be smaller than I am because I don't want to be "mean". I keep quiet most of the time because once I speak my mind I become "mean". It's held me back so much in so many ways. My friend tells me I just have to find people who like me for the way I am and he's right. I was dating someone recently who kept calling me mean. I thought he was joking but he broke up with me today and I realized he probably really thought I was mean. I never had mean intentions. I was actually trying so hard to be loving and accommodating. I knew it wasn't right though and I couldn't break it off. I'm glad it's over but I just hate it when people call me mean when I know I'm not.
Don't hold it in. Speak your mind. To do otherwise is letting others control you.
People say the same thing about me. I used to care. I'm now too old to care. I'll tell someone straight up that I don't like what they did or said. I won't go behind their backs to do that. I hate gossip. Yet somehow, people can't stand it. They are more comfortable with the gossiping back-stabbers. Rather than submit, I found new friends. If family wants me, they know where to find me.
Every time you fail to obey someone's wishes, they will consider you "mean". If they can't let you be you, drop them and find another circle of friends.
I tend to have a blunt/abrasive personality. If people like me they call me sassy and deadpan. If they don't, they call me mean and b*tchy. I grew up with my family calling me mean and they still do. It hurt me so much I had to move away from them to the other side of the country. I never had mean intentions. I was a bratty kid who needed discipline but my parents couldn't do it because they were too busy with work or just preoccupied with whatever. I have tried so hard to be nice most of my life I think I have become a doormat. I force myself to smile all the time. I don't ever complain when something is wrong. I keep everything bottled inside. I have let this affect my confidence and I try to be smaller than I am because I don't want to be "mean". I keep quiet most of the time because once I speak my mind I become "mean". It's held me back so much in so many ways. My friend tells me I just have to find people who like me for the way I am and he's right. I was dating someone recently who kept calling me mean. I thought he was joking but he broke up with me today and I realized he probably really thought I was mean. I never had mean intentions. I was actually trying so hard to be loving and accommodating. I knew it wasn't right though and I couldn't break it off. I'm glad it's over but I just hate it when people call me mean when I know I'm not.
Not quite sure what to say. If it really bothered you, you would have changed long ago. People will usually only call you "sassy" and "deadpan" if you're funny. You don't mention being funny, so my guess is that you really do come off as mean. It would have been easier to try to answer if you had been clearer. I mean, if you try to be smiling and accommodating, and mostly keep quiet, in what way do people perceive you as mean?
But "mean" has nothing to do with being "smaller." Since you're lucky that sometimes people tell you to your face, you've had opportunities to ask, "Why do you say that? What part do you think is mean?" In other words, you could have tried for self-analysis, but apparently didn't. If so many people are saying it - and it's not something that most people say lightly - it's may be true, whether you "know" it or not.
But it's possible that you just have the bad luck to be among very bland people, and you have strong opinions, so that you seem abrasive. Another possibility is that you don't express yourself well, so that you phrase something tactlessly. It's the difference between saying, "Wow, Mary is FAT" versus "I'm sorry to see that it looks as if Mary is gaining weight." Maybe you need to start by finding some new people?
I'm the same way. I tend to have an attitude when I speak and I know it. Sometimes I sound like I'm sneering. Fortunately, no one's ever called me out on it.
It's really tough. It makes me afraid to speak because I'm afraid of offending someone, and I think it's unfair that I have an attitude while they are pleasant and polite to me, so it's made me afraid of speaking up.
I don't have any advice for you. Just wanted to say I know how you feel.
Well, I was pretty upset last night so that's mainly why my post sounds negative. I mean, I just got dumped! I was trying to make it work but I knew it didn't feel right. I was upset up until I went to bed when I remembered how the guy asked me to help him do his laundry and I said no. Maybe that's why he called me mean? I don't even know. LOL. Then it made me remember how people who call me mean or rude or whatever was mad with me because I wouldn't do what they wanted or they had some strange perception of how they wanted me to be. Yes, I have had people call me mean but I have also had people call me one of the nicest person they've met. I do wish people would stop just saying negative things about me though because I'm not a completely submissive human being. I do come from a broken home where insults were used in place of affection so maybe that came out in spurts when I didn't mean to? It's in my subconscious.
Again, what specifically did he say? If he asked you to help him do his laundry (which is quite different than "Do my laundry!") and you just said NO, bluntly, I can see that being off putting. But I doubt he said he broke up with you because you said you wouldn't help him do laundry.
What specifically has he considered "mean" in the past, and how did you respond to what he told you?
JMO, but I think people who are blunt are often insecure and maybe a little defensive. I do not get along with prickly people for the most part. I think therapy can help you unearth why you come across this way.
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