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People always say how nice I am. But I also have a sassy mouth. I come from a family of smart asses. My mom is a smart ass, and out of her 5 kids, 3 of us are smart asses too.
Here's the thing. If everything that pops into my head came out of my mouth, I would alienate everyone I know. Sometimes, you have to ask yourself "If I say this, what reaction will it likely invoke?" And then live with the choice. Sometimes, sassy is exactly what I want to be. Other times, I just keep my mouth shut, cause what I WANT to say will likely make a friend or loved one, or work associate angry or hurt.
Like that old saying..."You can't help it if a bird lands in your hair, but you don't have to let it make a nest." So, just because you think something, doesn't mean you have to say it.
Well, I was pretty upset last night so that's mainly why my post sounds negative. I mean, I just got dumped! I was trying to make it work but I knew it didn't feel right. I was upset up until I went to bed when I remembered how the guy asked me to help him do his laundry and I said no. Maybe that's why he called me mean? I don't even know. LOL. Then it made me remember how people who call me mean or rude or whatever was mad with me because I wouldn't do what they wanted or they had some strange perception of how they wanted me to be. Yes, I have had people call me mean but I have also had people call me one of the nicest person they've met. I do wish people would stop just saying negative things about me though because I'm not a completely submissive human being. I do come from a broken home where insults were used in place of affection so maybe that came out in spurts when I didn't mean to? It's in my subconscious.
There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, and it sounds like you're strong enough to not take people's BS. THAT is good. If anything, maybe you just have to work on your delivery...or HOW you say things. Maybe.
Or MAYBE (since you said you come from a broken home) you've been put into a 'role' where you've been expected to behave in a certain way, and they say you're mean because you won't conform to their manipulations.
I think you're going to be OK. One sassybutt talking to another. LOL
You are who you are but however, there are a couple of things that might help you.
1. It is never okay to make people feel bad. This is kind of a version of the Golden rule - do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
2. You can call a spade a spade and not be an ass. How you do this simple. Every time you find fault in someone or some thing, qualify it with at least 2 good things about the person or thing. They don't have to be important, they just have to be.
3. If you do offend someone that you didn't mean to, apologize unreservedly. You can call it taking the higher moral ground or keeping the peace - whatever, but the bottomline is you take responsibility for your actions and words.
I like this good advice!
And, find a counselor who can help you learn tact. I have this trouble myself, and I've had to force myself to learn how to use tact. Its hard for someone who sees herself as a truth teller above all else. But tact will get you far in life.
I also want to mention that you don't like it when people tell you you are mean. I think others are reacting to you the way you react to their criticisms of you. You don't like it! So, turn it around. Others do not like to be criticized, demeaned, or made fun of. Since you know how this feels, you should understand why others feel the way they do.
I think since you are having problems with being perceived as mean, that you should learn better ways of communicating. I do not advocate trying to change yourself fundamentally. You feel you are basically NOT mean, and so I am going with that. But others' negative perceptions of you will hold you back, as you have discovered. So, It is time to make changes. And I think you are aware of that, and I want to give you credit for wanting to change.
I am sorry about your breakup. I understand completely what your problem is but i do not have a solution. I just contributed to give you my sympathies for the breakup.
The laundry thing is a loaded one. I did a lot of laundry recently for a guy who worked on my truck for 4 weekends. But if he would not have done it, yeah, no way I wash/iron/fold his stuff.
I tend to have a blunt/abrasive personality. If people like me they call me sassy and deadpan. If they don't, they call me mean and b*tchy. I grew up with my family calling me mean and they still do. It hurt me so much I had to move away from them to the other side of the country. I never had mean intentions. I was a bratty kid who needed discipline but my parents couldn't do it because they were too busy with work or just preoccupied with whatever. I have tried so hard to be nice most of my life I think I have become a doormat. I force myself to smile all the time. I don't ever complain when something is wrong. I keep everything bottled inside. I have let this affect my confidence and I try to be smaller than I am because I don't want to be "mean". I keep quiet most of the time because once I speak my mind I become "mean". It's held me back so much in so many ways. My friend tells me I just have to find people who like me for the way I am and he's right. I was dating someone recently who kept calling me mean. I thought he was joking but he broke up with me today and I realized he probably really thought I was mean. I never had mean intentions. I was actually trying so hard to be loving and accommodating. I knew it wasn't right though and I couldn't break it off. I'm glad it's over but I just hate it when people call me mean when I know I'm not.
I just hate it when people call me mean when I know I'm not.
You might know it, but if your abrasive personality rubs the wrong way on people a lot, as you are saying here, then perhaps you should look inward as to why you feel the need to be so blunt in the first place.
I have a personality that is very abrasive, and I have to be very careful how I say things. In fact, I started going to a therapist and taking meds to keep me calm, and it works very well as long as I take it everyday like I'm supposed to.
The excuse to just keep friends that love you for who you are, is a cop-out that I used to say too. The bottom line is, at some point your friends are going to get tired of your attitude, and one by one they too will go away if you don't change your demeanor.
Being blunt is one thing (and also an excuse for a lot of people to eschew being polite), but being abrasive is very difficult to be around. Frankly, it's unpleasant. I don't think you can fault people for not putting up with rude behavior while waiting around for your good intentions to catch up.
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I think the OP is probably being blunt, not abrasive. Many people cannot handle blunt remarks, especially the word "no". They also expect women to sugarcoat their language.
I have a friend who thinks I am mean. She has been involved with multiple MLMs over the years and pushed my boundaries to the point where I had to be blunt to her, to the point where she almost cried. I don't care! She was doing things like, giving out my phone number to people I didn't even know, so they could call me up with their sales pitch. Oh, and then she was flirting with my husband excessively, too. I had to cut that out completely. Yes, she thinks I am "totally mean". At some point, you have to be mean to people, I guess and they have to get over it. Too many people in our society don't understand what a boundary is.
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