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I haven't read all the responses but I'll throw this in:
We can learn a lot from other peoples' perspectives. That being said, I think it's pretty rude to be a guest in someone's house or to be a host and to bring up topics that people know will be divisive. So I agree with the people who have been saying "Tell them the house rules are that we don't discuss politics with guests." Then stick to it - you too. Apply the same principle to yourselves - don't bait them and don't let them bait you. Oh, but I wouldn't even say that UNLESS they brought up politics. They may not do so. Why assume the worst of them?
That being said, let's err on the side of graciousness. If they do say something political, change the subject. If they insist, sweetly say "We're not going to discuss that - let's keep politics out of our conversations."
There is SO MUCH MORE to talk about than politics!
My son's girlfriend is a very strongly opinionated feminist. She is not even American, so she really has a different mindset politically than most Americans, either Democrats or Republicans or Independents. They are coming for a visit soon. My plan is to find our common ground if she brings up something along political lines - I know her passion is empowering women and that's a passion of mine as well. That's what my volunteer work involves, from a Christian perspective (I teach interview and job skills to underprivileged women). I LOVE empowering these women and she loves that as well, so hopefully we can connect in that regard. If the conversation veers off into more political or ethical areas such as abortion rights, I plan to say gently, "Well let's stick to what we agree with and maybe we can learn something from each other." My gosh, if she continues to push after that gentle guidance, then I plan to simply say, "I'd rather get to know you without having a political conversation - so tell me about where you went to college!" or "Tell me about what you like about where you live now!" or something like that.
Meanwhile from a political perspective, I think it's great to get to know people from all walks of life and politics because I think we can learn a lot from listening to them and to their perspective. If we don't want to listen and learn WHY they have reached different conclusions than we have, I'd say there's something off kilter about us. Get to know them, listen to their stories, get to know their likes and dislikes - as in food, drink, entertainment, etc. Ask them about their childhoods, their school years, their careers and accomplishments. There's a lot to talk about outside of politics.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 08-12-2018 at 07:24 AM..
I really need some advice here: Two years ago our son married a lovely young woman. They each have children from previous marriages. We moved to Florida after they were married and we get to see them several times a year when they come to visit us. We are conservatives and my daughter-in-law's parents are very left-wing. They know our politics and yet they post very anti-conservative posts on Facebook. We are on Facebook but we don't post about politics. My daughter-in-law just told us that her parents have free air miles coming and they want to coordinate our calendars to come down to visit us. I can't think of anything worse than having to entertain them here knowing that our political differences are sure to come up. My plan is to tell them that we love their daughter and the children and that because of our political differences, we parents should confine our socializing to times when we are all together with everyone. That way we can be cordial and maintain some kind of relationship. Is there a downside to saying this? I don't want to pretend that we are busy. I think it's better to let them know how we feel.
1. They raised a "lovely young woman", so clearly they are not the devil's spawn.
2. Knowing your politics, they still graciously reached out to make an effort to spend time with you.
3. Why on earth would you assume your political differences are "sure to come up" unless you plan on initiating the conversation?
Be kind. Don't assume they will bring it up, or make anyone uncomfortable by declaring any rules as they walk through the door. That would be really weird in my opinion. If they do bring something up, THEN say you think it'd be in everyone's best interest to leave that topic alone.
I really need some advice here: Two years ago our son married a lovely young woman. They each have children from previous marriages. We moved to Florida after they were married and we get to see them several times a year when they come to visit us. We are conservatives and my daughter-in-law's parents are very left-wing. They know our politics and yet they post very anti-conservative posts on Facebook. We are on Facebook but we don't post about politics. My daughter-in-law just told us that her parents have free air miles coming and they want to coordinate our calendars to come down to visit us. I can't think of anything worse than having to entertain them here knowing that our political differences are sure to come up. My plan is to tell them that we love their daughter and the children and that because of our political differences, we parents should confine our socializing to times when we are all together with everyone. That way we can be cordial and maintain some kind of relationship. Is there a downside to saying this? I don't want to pretend that we are busy. I think it's better to let them know how we feel.
It is entirely possible to avoid politics in conversation. If everything in life so revolves around politics that one can't discuss other topics, then that means one leads a limited and truly impoverished life. If your conversation is nothing but politics, then you really need to get out more.
Politics should be a small fraction of how you define yourself as a person. Instead of how you vote, you are the sum total of a thousand influences such as family, friendships, passions in life, experiences, and a host of other factors. Likewise, someone else's politics should be a small factor in how you define the desirability of their company. People who reduce others to little more than a set of political beliefs have chosen to dehumanize those people.
So if you're screening your friends based on how they vote on Election Day then, well, shame on you. That kind of self-righteousness from both the left and the right has had a corrosive effect on the health of our daily contact with others.
Want to know how to avoid an argument? It's pretty easy. If a political subject comes up, don't take the bait. Pleasantly reply, "Oh, let's don't talk politics, thanks," and change the topic. Do it enough times and they'll get it.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 08-12-2018 at 07:55 AM..
If I don't like what people post on their own feeds, I just unfollow them. I actually haven't ever done that though - that's just a theory I have, because people are entitled to their own self expression and opinions and if I'm REALLY their friend, I should be able to read these posts without feeling oppressed or upset. I don't have a huge friends list because I'm not "friends" with casual acquaintances. If you're on my Friends list, you're my friend.
And yes, some of my real friends have very different views from me politically and even religiously.
But I do draw the line at two things: First, don't put inflammatory or disagreeable comments on MY page or my posts. If you have a problem with something I post on my own page, send me a private message, or at the most, disagree but do so politely and in a civil tone - if you just must respond. But since I don't put a lot of political stuff on social media, that doesn't happen often.
But there are some people who live and breathe politics via social media. That's sad but true. True story - I have a cousin who has very different political views from mine, as well as very different life experiences. She also has very different moral and ethical and religious viewpoints. Well, I'd be fine with that - it's her life, her perspective and we grew up together and I have a lot of affection for her as well as empathy. But that's not enough for her.
Post what you want on your own timeline or page, but don't follow me around arguing with me. This is what happened: My DAUGHTER posted something that had to do with religious beliefs. A friend of hers, who I don't even know, posted something that was witty and funny in response to this post. I "liked" his post because I thought it was funny. It wasn't hateful or demeaning to anyone - just something pithy and witty. It was a lighthearted comment for pete's sake! My cousin apparently noticed that I had "liked" this guy's comment, and on my daughter's post on her page, my cousin flew into me like a tasmanian devil! "How can you like a comment like that? How are we even related? Your husband works in an industry I despise, and you're a Christian - I don't even know why we're friends! I've had it - I'm unfriending you!" Yes, she said this to me - not in private but on my daughter's post. It was as if a dam broke or something. Now - she is an atheist and a socialist, and she makes no bones about it - she posts political and anti religious stuff on her page all day every day, it's like a platform for her. I never, not one time, argued with her on her posts. She can believe what she wants to believe. And I can promise you I never tracked what she was "liking." What the heck?
I talked to another cousin of mine recently, who is a liberal and an agnostic - I only know this because of her posts, not our conversations because we don't generally talk about politics. Anyway, she said that due to a lot of factors including health and transportation issues, our other cousin looks at social media as a platform and a way to spread the word regarding politics, religion, etc. See, I don't look at it that way - I look at it as a way to share cute baby and dog pictures, recipes, staying in touch with friends, craft and decorating ideas, that sort of thing.
So some people really do live, eat and breathe politics. I don't - and I won't put up with that as the focus of conversation or debate in my house. I mean, my husband and I talk about politics but that's about it - it's not some burning hot issue for me when I'm with family, houseguests, etc. I will steer the conversation to other topics if at all possible.
So, OP, if your house guests keep bringing it up, I think you'll have to say "Let's not discuss politics." And meanwhile, YOU be as sensitive as you expect them to be as well. Don't force your political or moral beliefs on them either. This goes both ways, not one way. Just remember that.
"The world isn’t being destroyed by democrats or republicans, red or blue, liberal or conservative, religious or atheist — the world is being destroyed by one side believing the other side is destroying the world. The world is being hurt and damaged by one group of people believing they’re truly better people than the others who think differently. The world officially ends when we let our beliefs conquer love. We must not let this happen."
My inlaws are very conservative. I'm very liberal. We get along fine; we just choose not to discuss politics most of the time. Occasionally something will come up and generally, I'll change the subject. Rarely will I engage; it's just not worth it. They are in their 60s/70s and they are not going to change their minds, and neither am I.
Also, I've noticed that people are much more vocal online than they are in person, generally speaking. My grandfather, who is in his 80s, will routinely email me anti-Obama and conspiracy theory memes. I just delete and ignore. He never brings up this nonsense when I see him in person. I think he's bored and likes to be a bit of a troll (said in the most affectionate way), but this doesn't extend to face-to-face visits.
I unfollow people that make political posts from either side and I am somewhat active in local politics.
I don't unfollow people that make political posts. But I do unfollow people who make sweeping insulting generalizations. Anyone who posts along the lines that all liberals are ignorant or all conservatives are heartless ... immediate unfollow. If they're too tonedeaf to realize that their generalizations are insulting to some of their own friends, then I'm not interested in seeing any of their posts.
Have to agree that the OP/spouse are sort of ramping themselves up for a conflict before the event even happens. Good suggestions here. Practice them, use them and chillax! Everyone has opinions. You'll always meet people you don't agree with about something. Don't set the kettle boiling before you need hot water.
Thank you, that's exactly what it is. These people have never directly said to the OP or her husband anything about politics.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan
I see that you don’t use FB but that isn’t how FB works. Posts from “friends” show up in your newsfeed. It’s like a running list of headlines. No need to go to individual pages to see what people have posted.
What OP should do is go to her in-laws pages and click “Unfollow”. She will remain friends with them but their posts won’t show in her newsfeed.
OP - I wonder if you’ve spent time with these folks before and were politics brought up then?
Thank you for explaining. But I can tell you if I did do FB I wouldn't include people I barely knew, what is the point really?
These are the parents of the OP's son who married a woman a couple of years ago, who live in another state. How many times have they even met in person? Maybe at the wedding.
I guess some people think having 300 "friends" makes you popular. So they add everyone they come across.
And there was no indication from the OP that these people have even brought up politics before.
This is creating a problem that isn't there, and a great way to cause a rift with the DIL and possibly son.
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