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In my family, the older women have asked some of the younger men, "Where's your good-looking brother?"
Lovely. Not.
Oi.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
And ... You don't HAVE to compliment them.
You could just engage them in conversation about what they are doing and what interests them. Sometimes compliments, especially when you TRY to think of something to compliment, can make kids uncomfortable.
Fershur.
I have some pretty weird cousins. One recently revealed what sounded like a good deal of abuse when she was young.
But never in the numerous gatherings I've been to has anyone gone on about who looks good and who looks not so good. I remember a first gathering I attended, I hadn't met many of them and many I hadn't seen in decades. One woman was a real knock-out, a few women looked like truck drivers, but nobody never ever made any looks comment.
I've been to lots of other gatherings over the years. Again, with all our family flaws, I never heard this sort of discussion. Too weird.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve McDonald
Now this is a harsh complication to throw into this discussion, but one reason that there's so much variation in characteristics among siblings in a family, is that about 25% of children born to couples, have a biological father other than the one who is in residence. There's a large bunch of cousins in my family and this is the reason that the youngest one looks totally different than all the others. The guy from the neighboring farm was her biological father.
Is that your family that the "Old McDonald Had A Farm..." song came from?
You could always say something to try to make them think twice. Like, instead of saying "Thank you," you could say, "I can't take any credit for it, and I hope that there are better things to focus on than my appearance" or "I know that's meant nicely, but it's not really a compliment to a woman to focus mainly on her looks."
Our family has a few members who are considered "better looking" than the others. This happens in each generation. At gatherings, inevitably this is commented upon, especially when these individuals are female.
And trying not to sound like a humble brag (because its NOT), I am one of those people. I am 40 now, so I would have hoped it would stop. No. Standing next to a similarly aged female relative at a recent gathering I was compared to her (not favorably for her) by another relative, told "your husband must be really handsome!" and that I was part of the "good genes" that "not everyone got." This is incredibly awkward and not complimentary. And the comments went on. Many of these were from older men which gives it a different level of ickiness as I am related to them in some way.
I saw this behavior repeated with other younger relatives. Its nice to be considered attractive, but not the be all end all. And it creates animus between siblings, cousins, etc. Its just not necessary. Women do have other skills that they work hard to develop. People grow into different looks over time. Its just not positive to constantly call this out.
This is very strange behavior. I'd call their hand on it in front of everyone and then maybe they'd stop. I mean, surely this isn't COMMON among all the relatives is it? It's odd enough from one, but from several?
I'd say, "Honestly, I think your comments on looks are rude and sort of weird, and you are making me uncomfortable. Please stop it." Then I'd walk away. That ought to do it.
I tried exactly this in this recent situation and was told I was being "condescending." After decades of this behavior, there is a lot of built up anger. I get it. There is really nothing I can say without seeming like I am being a total B. I just walk away from these conversations now when I can.
A pack of backward barnigans called you a 'B'? And you care b'cause?
Then you go back for more? Why would you converse at all? Why are you there?
Yes I know my family is dysfunctional. I steer clear of them as much as possible. But every now and then I have to interact.
Exactly what I was going to say...STOP going to get-togethers. If you're not there, you don't have to hear/see their immature idiocrasy.
My fiance's family isn't like this exactly, but are a family of loser, highly narcissistic a-holes. He finally got fed up w/ them...much later than I would have & stopped or cut way down on seeing them. But better late than never.
My cousin's response when our grandmother made some totally inappropriate comments to us implying that I was the smart one and she was the pretty one was "Shut up, old woman, and stop listening to the voices in your head!"
Everyone at the table just about keeled over dying laughing and my grandma accepted it as a fair point. I love my cousin.
In my immediate family of 5 kids, I was always the "smart one," my older sister always the "pretty one." I got comments from relatives like you are describing, but about intelligence, while my sister received comments about her looks.
I agree with those responding with ideas for other ways to respond. I might say something like, "I hope that's not all you think about when you think about me. I'd rather be known for my other qualities." I liked the earlier post about turning it around by complimenting whomever you are standing near, but it sounds like that doesn't come off very well in your family. Too bad, that's the exact way I'd approach it.
Haha, I just saw the post above me by JrzDefector-- wish I had a cousin who would have said something like that Don't think it would have gone over quite as well in my family, though...
We don't really have significant family gatherings too often, there aren't that many family members left and the ones who are tend to be on just the one side, with my mom deceased, so there's not any similar level of awkwardness. Now I think the main awkwardness doesn't require a lot of people, it's always something awkward with just my dad and sister. I get along well with my dad, usually, the last year has seen some ups and downs, but my sister after years of her being intolerable, I mostly just avoid, except like her wedding this weekend. She has matured a lot over the past year, thankfully, and has gotten better but she's still just an awkward person most of the time.
I'm absolutely not a fan of family gatherings *even when* it's just my dad and sister, because my sister doesn't really care how anyone else is doing, so she'll just talk about herself and monopolize the conversation completely. I usually just focus on the great food (my dad has a chef) and keep my mouth shut to avoid any potential fights, and let her talk, because even though I'm a dominant personality, nothing can be gained by getting involved. It has ruined enough family gatherings in the past. Luckily, we only have "family dinners" for holidays not just in general, even though we all live in town, I have separate dinners with my dad, never with her there too.
Yeah, that happened when I was younger. I was not the "pretty one" as I did not subscribe to the Miss America ambitions my mother had for us girls that bled over into the larger family. I was the anti-fuss, non-dieting woman in a long line of beauty queens and wannabes. I had other unfathomable (to them) ambitions and interests. I quit going to family gatherings decades ago. They were just unpleasant on the whole.
I came back briefly a few years ago when most of us were old and fat (Time: The great looks equalizer!) thinking that might help put some of it to rest but the majority are still thoughtless and rude. Now it's politics. And DH and I are the wrong brand. So we moved 1500 miles away and we aren't going back ever again. I'm the draft horse born into a family of thoroughbreds. I don't fit, will never fit, now I don't care about fitting.
If it were me OP, I would reject the compliment, then immediately apologize to your slighted relative/s in front of the thoughtless turds, ("I'm sorry that was thoughtless and hurtful.") steer her/them away to talk without the rude person/s and finally I would make every effort to avoid those old coots at every gathering in the future.
But then again I am on the outs with my family....this advice might put you there as well.
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Don't think it would have gone over quite as well in my family, though...
