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She also believes that i’m letting what i believe my family will think, factor into the feelings that I might have developed toward him. And that my anxiety is what led me to develop cold feet, overanalyze, and start jumping to worse case scenarios.
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I think that's bad advice and that you should listen to your gut and call this thing off.
I’ve never made a friend online that carried on offline so I’m finding it weird.
Its a different world now. People do that all the time. If you do not have any interest in being more than just friends it is best to be straight with him before he puts the time and expense into coming to visit you.
I do agree with the therapist. Faith jumped rather quickly from having deep daily conversations with this guy to suddenly deciding that he was an internet perv and worrying about what other people would think. Bringing things into the real world can be nerve-wracking, but with appropriate boundaries like meeting him in public, not spending the entire weekend with him, keeping the conversation casual, etc., she can see what her phone friend is like in real life.
Faith, why don't you have one of the guys you're currently dating be at the same restaurant where you're meeting him. He can sit on the other side and just keep an eye on you.
I agree with all of BobCaldwell's posts in this thread, I think he gave very wise advice.
From the beginning, I was picturing this guy being like my nephew. He's in his 30's, can't hold a job, never had friends or a relationship in real life, has a warped sense of reality. I could visualize him telling some online friend about his make believe dates and sexual encounters, thinking that would make him seem very desirable.
Faith, why don't you have one of the guys you're currently dating be at the same restaurant where you're meeting him. He can sit on the other side and just keep an eye on you.
I agree with all of BobCaldwell's posts in this thread, I think he gave very wise advice.
From the beginning, I was picturing this guy being like my nephew. He's in his 30's, can't hold a job, never had friends or a relationship in real life, has a warped sense of reality. I could visualize him telling some online friend about his make believe dates and sexual encounters, thinking that would make him seem very desirable.
Keep us updated.
Why would a guy who she’s dating want to sit there and watch while she meets another guy??
I didn’t send the email. My therapist thinks I should consider going through with what we arranged but just agree to meet him in public places, during his weekend here. She doesn’t think he’s an incel. We went over the conversations where the inappropriate sexual comments and romantic comments were made, and other conversations in depth. We both agreed after talking about it, that there were times where I encouraged it, and where I shared details that were inappropriate too(such as when I hooked up with an ex recently), etc.
We both agreed that I treated that I treated my friendship with him, the same way that I treat the friendships I have with my close female friends, and didn’t enforce boundaries, with the information I shared and that he shared with me. She also believes that i’m letting what i believe my family will think, factor into the feelings that I might have developed toward him. And that my anxiety is what led me to develop cold feet, overanalyze, and start jumping to worse case scenarios.
She did tell me to think it over for a few days, to determine whether i want to continue the friendship—and if so, what I want out of it(do I want romantic or not). so I will do that.
To answer the questions:
We’re friends on LinkedIn, so yes we both know each other’s full name. He doesn’t know my street address though, but my name is not common. Obviously we both know what each other looks like. I don’t get the vibe that he’ll stalk me and just show up to my house unexpectedly.
If i do choose to go through with it have no intention of letting him meet my son. I also don’t plan on being in a private setting with him unless after meeting him and spending time publically, I feel comfortable. If I choose not to go through with it, or decide that I don’t want a romantic relationship, then we(therapist) both agreed that that I need to have a conversation with him and end the friendship.
Thanks for this update. I still think, that you should consider the option of meeting with him once, for coffee or lunch, to be polite, and to scope him out, and ask what sight-seeing he's planning, or give him some brochures, or something. That way, if you decide your'e not interested, or if he comes across inappropriately, you won't have ignored/abandoned him completely; you'll have done the polite thing, and will owe him nothing more. But if you two hit it off, you'll have the choice of agreeing to a date.
This will only work, (i.e. choosing to limit his visit to one encounter with you, if necessary), if you don't give into your own guilt about not showing him around, or to any manipulative tactics he may try, or to your own attraction to his good looks in spite of any red flags. You need to be aware of your own tendencies to gloss over red, or yellow, flags that make you uncomfortable, because you feel you should be "nice" (as women, most of us were programmed to do that from childhood), or because you feel flattered that a good-looking guy is into you. You need to know your weaknesses, and be ready to resolve to cut it short, if he makes you uncomfortable. (Which he may not, but it's good to go through that thought process, just in case.)
Faith, I'll just say good luck. A relationship like this has just as much chance of working out as any relationship between people... not better or worse. It might be good! Give it a chance. Just try to go into it with an open mind, and open eyes!
To protect her?? Or is she closer to the online guy than the local guys she has as friends or dates?
I don’t know if she’s dating anyone regularly. But if I were a guy she’s dating, I would ask her why she’s meeting some strange guy from out of state that she feels she needs protection from. I don’t personally feel like I need protection when I meet guys from online.
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