Is this strange or am I making this more strange than it really is (female, Christmas)
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Update: It's too late, LMAO. I forget that he's only rode a plane one other time in his life. Anyway, his friends(he has roommates) told him where to purchase the plane tickets(cheapoair) and he got the tickets that were nonrefundable. I found this out because I explained to him that the dates he was coming up, no longer worked for me because of an engagement I already had. Today he contacted me to let me know he couldn't get a refund for the plane tickets. I felt bad because he doesn't know anyone else in Charlotte, and was coming up here next month, I guess solely to see me. He also is a graduate student and has limited income right now. I said I would see what I could do about rescheduling the engagement. But in the meantime I'll be seeing my therapist this week and I'll ask her, her thoughts.
I'm a little confused on how people are saying I led him on though? I realize the mistake I made by giving him my phone number, but I didn't realize back then that it would morph into an everyday contact situation, that would result in him wanting to come out here to see me. Beyond that, I didn't do anything to lead him on???? The talking dirty didn't happen until last month. We've been talking since the summer. If he would have tried the talking dirty during our initial conversations, I would have thought he was a creep and I wouldn't have continued talking to him.
It's true that I never spelled out to him firmly what I saw as far as friendship goes, but I never expressed romantic interest in him. In fact, early on I told him he was too young for me, and lived too far away. I told him I wanted a baby and was looking for a future husband. I've encouraged him to go on dates with some of the girls he's hooked up with and I've also told him about dates I've had. I've also told him many times that I don't have casual sex and only have sex with men I'm actually dating. While I never came out and said "I see you as a friend". I never expressed romantic interest in him either.
Even when he sent me pictures of himself and we linked up on linkedin, despite thinking he was attractive and believing I liked him, I did not express those thoughts to him, because of his age. I didn't think I needed to express that I saw him as just a friend, because I had already told him early on that he was too young for me. Plus, when I talked to him about a few of the girls he had told me about that were interested in dating him, he expressed that he wasn't ready for a relationship yet. So.... There was never in my mind a need to go there, because he wasn't interested in a relationship, I already told him that his age in distance was a problem in the beginning, and throughout the course of our friendship I have repeatedly encouraged him to date some of the girls that expressed interest in him.
In fact, I had sex with an ex recently and told him about it, and he had sex with some girl late last night...
Yes he's flirted sometimes, and made comments like "it's too were in different spaces in life, I know if we were in the same space and you lived out here, I would probably fall in love with you", I quickly said, "ha, but your like my brother. And I'm too old for you." A few weeks ago.
I mean, i'm not sure how I led him on. Maybe I should have stopped talking to him? IDK. Like I said, up until he brought up coming to visit me and then planned it out with me, I didn't even see our friendship going beyond the phone.
I won't do this again, that's for sure.
Thank you everyone for the advice.
To be honest, it was leading him on just by continuing the friendship after you were certain that his interest were not in friendship. Telling you that he would fall in love with you if he was in the same place as you, tells me he’s not a guy who does well with women and he’s putting all his eggs in your basket. You were telling him that you’re like a brother to me, but then continuing to talk to him every day sends mixed messages. Again many times man will say they’re OK with friendship but they’re really hoping for more. Once the guy has sexual feelings for you platonic friendship is no longer possible. At 31 I’m very surprise you don’t know that.
Update: It's too late, LMAO. I forget that he's only rode a plane one other time in his life. Anyway, his friends(he has roommates) told him where to purchase the plane tickets(cheapoair) and he got the tickets that were nonrefundable. I found this out because I explained to him that the dates he was coming up, no longer worked for me because of an engagement I already had. Today he contacted me to let me know he couldn't get a refund for the plane tickets. I felt bad because he doesn't know anyone else in Charlotte, and was coming up here next month, I guess solely to see me. He also is a graduate student and has limited income right now. I said I would see what I could do about rescheduling the engagement. But in the meantime I'll be seeing my therapist this week and I'll ask her, her thoughts.
I'm a little confused on how people are saying I led him on though? I realize the mistake I made by giving him my phone number, but I didn't realize back then that it would morph into an everyday contact situation, that would result in him wanting to come out here to see me. Beyond that, I didn't do anything to lead him on???? The talking dirty didn't happen until last month. We've been talking since the summer. If he would have tried the talking dirty during our initial conversations, I would have thought he was a creep and I wouldn't have continued talking to him.
It's true that I never spelled out to him firmly what I saw as far as friendship goes, but I never expressed romantic interest in him. In fact, early on I told him he was too young for me, and lived too far away. I told him I wanted a baby and was looking for a future husband. I've encouraged him to go on dates with some of the girls he's hooked up with and I've also told him about dates I've had. I've also told him many times that I don't have casual sex and only have sex with men I'm actually dating. While I never came out and said "I see you as a friend". I never expressed romantic interest in him either.
Even when he sent me pictures of himself and we linked up on linkedin, despite thinking he was attractive and believing I liked him, I did not express those thoughts to him, because of his age. I didn't think I needed to express that I saw him as just a friend, because I had already told him early on that he was too young for me. Plus, when I talked to him about a few of the girls he had told me about that were interested in dating him, he expressed that he wasn't ready for a relationship yet. So.... There was never in my mind a need to go there, because he wasn't interested in a relationship, I already told him that his age in distance was a problem in the beginning, and throughout the course of our friendship I have repeatedly encouraged him to date some of the girls that expressed interest in him.
In fact, I had sex with an ex recently and told him about it, and he had sex with some girl late last night...
Yes he's flirted sometimes, and made comments like "it's too were in different spaces in life, I know if we were in the same space and you lived out here, I would probably fall in love with you", I quickly said, "ha, but your like my brother. And I'm too old for you." A few weeks ago.
I mean, i'm not sure how I led him on. Maybe I should have stopped talking to him? IDK. Like I said, up until he brought up coming to visit me and then planned it out with me, I didn't even see our friendship going beyond the phone.
I won't do this again, that's for sure.
Thank you everyone for the advice.
On a more serious note, and just for future reference so you can avoid this type of situation again, discussing anything sexually related with a man that age automatically implies that you are sexually interested in him. Right or wrong is of no relevance, that's simply the way the DNA is designed. You led him on, albeit unknowingly, just by discussing sex with him at all.
You're a nice girl I'm sure, but you're very naïve about men based on this post.
Okay, I did not see this. Let me tell you, when I used to go on dating sites, guys asked if I wanted a "picture" I said sure and 99% sent a picture of their penis!...They were proudly showing it off ....but you would have thought that he would know, most women don't get turned on by penis pics. We would rather meet and see that person, and then "that" at some later point. We don't need a picture of it. we would rather see it for real and all the joy that comes with it.
So my point is, a guy that sends you a picture of his penis, or in his case, talks dirty to you, is saying he is interested in your "sexually." Now that I see this part of your story, honestly, a real man (that you have never met) does not need to tell you what he is doing to himself or what he wants to do to you sexually, he will "show" you at the right time in life, if this were to work out. (however in an established relationship, mutual "play" is always fun)
So, his dirty talk to me is dumb!...... It's different if you have a real boyfriend and he is 3,000 miles away, alone in his hotel room and wants to get frisky with you on the phone. Talk naughty and you are both down for that. But this guy, is talking dirty to you, it's making you feel weirded out and it feels creepy to you, because it IS creepy!
Update: It's too late, LMAO. I forget that he's only rode a plane one other time in his life. Anyway, his friends(he has roommates) told him where to purchase the plane tickets(cheapoair) and he got the tickets that were nonrefundable. I found this out because I explained to him that the dates he was coming up, no longer worked for me because of an engagement I already had. Today he contacted me to let me know he couldn't get a refund for the plane tickets. I felt bad because he doesn't know anyone else in Charlotte, and was coming up here next month, I guess solely to see me. He also is a graduate student and has limited income right now. I said I would see what I could do about rescheduling the engagement. But in the meantime I'll be seeing my therapist this week and I'll ask her, her thoughts.
I'm a little confused on how people are saying I led him on though? I realize the mistake I made by giving him my phone number, but I didn't realize back then that it would morph into an everyday contact situation, that would result in him wanting to come out here to see me. Beyond that, I didn't do anything to lead him on???? The talking dirty didn't happen until last month. We've been talking since the summer. If he would have tried the talking dirty during our initial conversations, I would have thought he was a creep and I wouldn't have continued talking to him.
It's true that I never spelled out to him firmly what I saw as far as friendship goes, but I never expressed romantic interest in him. In fact, early on I told him he was too young for me, and lived too far away. I told him I wanted a baby and was looking for a future husband. I've encouraged him to go on dates with some of the girls he's hooked up with and I've also told him about dates I've had. I've also told him many times that I don't have casual sex and only have sex with men I'm actually dating. While I never came out and said "I see you as a friend". I never expressed romantic interest in him either.
Even when he sent me pictures of himself and we linked up on linkedin, despite thinking he was attractive and believing I liked him, I did not express those thoughts to him, because of his age. I didn't think I needed to express that I saw him as just a friend, because I had already told him early on that he was too young for me. Plus, when I talked to him about a few of the girls he had told me about that were interested in dating him, he expressed that he wasn't ready for a relationship yet. So.... There was never in my mind a need to go there, because he wasn't interested in a relationship, I already told him that his age in distance was a problem in the beginning, and throughout the course of our friendship I have repeatedly encouraged him to date some of the girls that expressed interest in him.
In fact, I had sex with an ex recently and told him about it, and he had sex with some girl late last night...
Yes he's flirted sometimes, and made comments like "it's too were in different spaces in life, I know if we were in the same space and you lived out here, I would probably fall in love with you", I quickly said, "ha, but your like my brother. And I'm too old for you." A few weeks ago.
I mean, i'm not sure how I led him on. Maybe I should have stopped talking to him? IDK. Like I said, up until he brought up coming to visit me and then planned it out with me, I didn't even see our friendship going beyond the phone.
I won't do this again, that's for sure.
Thank you everyone for the advice.
When a situation very gradually escalates, it can take us by surprise, to suddenly find we're in the middle of daily phone calls, and then--plans to meet. You're thinking, "How did we get HERE from there?" I can see your perspective. But people are saying you lead him on, by not drawing some boundaries at some point. I guess you did explain to him, you saw him just as a friend, but the increase in call frequency should have been nipped in the bud. "Could we keep the calls to once/week? I can't do more than that, what with my childcare and other responsibilities." Or...whatever.
Next: you shouldn't feel bad, that he chose to buy a ticket and fly out to a place he's never been, to see you when you're not available (whether you're truly occupied or not). HE made that decision. By feeling guilty, you're opening yourself up potentially to be manipulated into more interaction than you want. HE took this on, himself, and HE is a big boy; he can entertain himself, playing tourist, like a normal person. You're not responsible for anything. HE chose to go out on a financial limb, as well as a personal one. You did nothing to suggest or encourage that, except maybe in the beginning you said you thought it would be ok, because you were taken aback? It caught you off guard? But still, the whole thing was totally his idea, his initiative. Don't get sucked in by guilt.
It's possible, that by telling him a lot of personal stuff about you, very personal things you haven't told your own friends and family, you contributed to creating a sense of intimacy, that he interpreted as a cue. That's another thing, that people may view as "leading him on". I understand that you made use of the anonymity of the situation to unburden yourself, but it's not a good idea to tell a stranger highly personal things about ourselves.
Not to mention, the dirty talk attempts. I think most women would have found that to be such a turn-off, that the phone visits would have stopped at the first instance. Your continuing the phone visiting after that, could also be viewed as a subtle form of leading him on. Sending the signal that you're not put off by him, and want to continue the phone "relationship".
I hope this helps give you a perspective, OP.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 12-09-2018 at 01:41 PM..
To be honest, it was leading him on just by continuing the friendship after you were certain that his interest were not in friendship. Telling you that he would fall in love with you if he was in the same place as you, tells me he’s not a guy who does well with women and he’s putting all his eggs in your basket. You were telling him that you’re like a brother to me, but then continuing to talk to him every day sends mixed messages. Again many times man will say they’re OK with friendship but they’re really hoping for more. Once the guy has sexual feelings for you platonic friendship is no longer possible. At 31 I’m very surprise you don’t know that.
At the two bolded statements:
1. He's told me about girls he's dated or hooked up with, in fact last night he had sex with a girl. I assumed that despite him making that comment, that he's obviously doing okay with girls. Didn't see it that way. But now that you mention it, he did say he used to be a nerd or something and was awkward with women, but since then has gotten much better with women. He's only had 1 gf... Yeah I'm sensing what you mean.
2. Yeah, as I mentioned before, I guess I've never had a platonic friendship with a guy before, unfortunately. This is a common theme, in my friendships with men, where they get sexual. I thought it was normal tbh. And since we were never meeting up, I didn't think too deeply into it.
When a situation very gradually escalates, it can take us by surprise, to suddenly find we're in the middle of daily phone calls, and then--plans to meet. You're thinking, "How did we get HERE from there?" I can see your perspective. But people are saying you lead him on, by not drawing some boundaries at some point. I guess you did explain to him, you saw him just as a friend, but the increase in call frequency should have been nipped in the bud. "Could we keep the calls to once/week? I can't do more than that, what with my childcare and other responsibilities." Or...whatever.
Next: you shouldn't feel bad, that he chose to buy a ticket and fly out to a place he's never been, to see you when you're not available (whether you're truly occupied or not). HE made that decision. By feeling guilty, you're opening yourself up potentially to be manipulated into more interaction than you want. HE took this on, himself, and HE is a big boy; he can entertain himself, playing tourist, like a normal person. You're not responsible for anything. HE chose to go out on a financial limb, as well as a personal one. You did nothing to suggest or encourage that, except maybe in the beginning you said you thought it would be ok, because you were taken aback? It caught you off guard? But still, the whole thing was totally his idea, his initiative. Don't get sucked in by guilt.
It's possible, that by telling him a lot of personal stuff about you, very personal things you haven't told your own friends and family, you contributed to creating a sense of intimacy, that he interpreted as a cue. That's another thing, that people may view as "leading him on". I understand that you made use of the anonymity of the situation to unburden yourself, but it's not a good idea to tell a stranger highly personal things about ourselves.
Not to mention, the dirty talk attempts. I think most women would have found that to be such a turn-off, that the phone visits would have stopped at the first instance. Your continuing the phone visiting after that, could also be viewed as a subtle form of leading him on. Sending the signal that you're not put off by him, and want to continue the phone "relationship".
I hope this helps give you a perspective, OP.
Well when he asked me about the dates, and asked if it was okay, I said it was... But then later on I felt weird about it. That's why I feel guilty. I should have told him right when he asked me, that I wasn't comfortable.
Yeah, I see where I messed up, and it does give me perspective.
Over the summer I was posting online on a music website that I used to frequent and ended up becoming friends with one another user. We sent private messages back and forth for a while, but the website was becoming distracting(spending too much time on it) so I decided to stop posting on it, and I let him know that it was nice getting to know him but that I wouldn’t be back on the site. He ended up giving me his number, and telling me if I ever wanted to talk to give him a call. To be polite I also gave him my number but I didn’t expect for us to be in further contact. He reached out to me a week later—I was surprised. From there we started back talking again. It transformed from talking once or twice a week, but now we talk nearly every day. Now he lives up North and I live down south. So I considered him my phone friend. We’ve exchanged photos, know each other’s names, etc.
Anyway a couple of weeks ago he mentioned places he wants to visit when he graduates from grad school(which is happening this month) and he mentioned that the first city he would like to visit is my city. And I was like “oh that would be cool” but to be honest I really didn’t mean anything by it. He then told me he would like to come visit me, and i kind of cringed(not sure why) because he’s just my phone buddy. Last week, he brought it up again—in fact he’s been bringing it up more and more, and finally he asked me if he could come on a specific weekend(told me the dates) because he had looked up the cost of plane tickets and wanted to purchase them so that he could come out here and visit me.
I found it weird and I didn’t know how to respond, but I said that the dates he planned to visit were fine. So it was confirmed, and I don’t know why I’m finding it weird but I just am. For reference I’m a 31 year old woman with a 7 year old son, he’s 25. I enjoy the conversations we have and our phone friendship but I’m finding the idea of him flying out here to visit me weird. And ever since the dates have been confirmed, he keeps talking about how excited he is to meet me and it’s making me feel weird. I know I’m probably just tripping,but is this a thing for people to make friends online and go visit each other? I know it’s a thing with dating but I honestly don’t know anyone who’s done this sort of thing for friendship, so I’m just wondering if this is something that others have done?
I don't think it's strange, but you have been doing a number of things you "don't mean anything by." And that's just what you're sharing with us.
When he gave you his phone number, why did you reciprocate by giving him yours? That's an invitation for him to call you. Period. And when he said he'd like to visit your area, you responded by saying, "Oh, that would be cool."
This leads me to wonder about the nature of your online communications, the specifics of which we're not aware. But it wouldn't be a stretch to think that it was a lot friendlier on your part than you're willing to admit now.
You certainly haven't been closing the door on this guy; don't blame him if he thinks there's wiggle room for a relationship.
I know this might sound mean.... but...it's "his" problem he bought a non-refundable ticket and if I am reading this right, it sounds like he is "guilting you" into meeting him anyway, because he bought a ticket he can't return? Correct me on that if I am wrong?
I don't think you lead him on. He started talking all sexy/naughty and you corrected him immediately, telling him to stop, which lets him know you aren't going to "go there about sex" anytime soon, when you just seeing him right now as a friend. If he can't read the signals, then that is his OWN issue, not yours.
You should meet him if you want to, with friends, in a public place and if he tries to get your home address, just simply tell him you don't know him well enough, to give out that personal information., If he does turn out to be a stalker-psycho-guy, at least he does not know where you live.
I know this might sound mean.... but...it's "his" problem he bought a non-refundable ticket and if I am reading this right, it sounds like he is "guilting you" into meeting him anyway, because he bought a ticket he can't return? Correct me on that if I am wrong?
I don't think you lead him on. He started talking all sexy/naughty and you corrected him immediately, telling him to stop, which lets him know you aren't going to "go there about sex" anytime soon, when you just seeing him right now as a friend. If he can't read the signals, then that is his OWN issue, not yours.
You should meet him if you want to, with friends, in a public place and if he tries to get your home address, just simply tell him you don't know him well enough, to give out that personal information., If he does turn out to be a stalker-psycho-guy, at least he does not know where you live.
Oh no, he isn't guilting me. Maybe I wasn't clear in the OP--a few weeks ago he brought up coming to visit, but it was sort of in passing--like "The first city I want to go to after I graduate is Charlotte(my city) to see you." And I was like "Oh that would be cool" and kept the conversation going, about other places he'd be wanting to visit. A few days later he brought up again(the idea of wanting to come visit me), and once again to be polite, I was just like, "yeah, that would be cool if you could." But I know he's on a limited budget, because he works part time, while going to school--so I didn't think he'd be able to afford it anyway. It just felt like future talk. A few hours later, he said, "I want to come visit you... And I was looking at the prices of plane tickets for Charlotte and they weren't bad at all. Would you be okay with me visiting you? I have these days available--(the weekend of January 20th) would that work for you?" And I looked at my schedule and told him it would.
But a few hours later, I felt weird about it. Suddenly analyzing how strange and awkward it would be. I felt overwhelmed and wondered what I was doing here as far as the situation goes. I guess you could say shortly after I agreed with it, said yes to the dates, etc I got cold-feet about it. But I didn't know how to express my discomfort because I didn't really understand if it was just me feeling anxious about it, or if it was something else. I chose to keep it to myself, but he continued bringing it up everytime we spoke--how excited he was to be coming to see me, etc, and I didn't know how to say that I was no longer wanting to do it. I had hoped that eventually it would sort of fizzle out(the talk about him coming out here). Then I realized this week, when it was still something he brought up, that I made a mistake. LOL.
Hence why I created this thread.
After I got everyone's opinions on here, I decided that maybe I just wasn't ready to see him, that he could be creep etc, so I lied to him yesterday and told him that I forgot about an engagement I had already said yes too, and I apologized and asked him if he had already booked the flight. And he told me he did. He said he would see if he could cancel it and get a refund, and book something later on at another date. But this morning he let me know that he had purchased nonrefundable tickets. There wasn't really guilting at that point, but moreso him trying to figure out what to do. He doesn't know anyone in charlotte. lol.
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...They were proudly showing it off ....but you would have thought that he would know, most women don't get turned on by penis pics. We would rather meet and see that person, and then "that" at some later point. We don't need a picture of it. we would rather see it for real and all the joy that comes with it. 
I guess you could say shortly after I agreed with it, said yes to the dates, etc I got cold-feet about it. But I didn't know how to express my discomfort because I didn't really understand if it was just me feeling anxious about it, or if it was something else. I chose to keep it to myself, but he continued bringing it up everytime we spoke--how excited he was to be coming to see me, etc, and I didn't know how to say that I was no longer wanting to do it. I had hoped that eventually it would sort of fizzle out(the talk about him coming out here). Then I realized this week, when it was still something he brought up, that I made a mistake. LOL.
