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I don't think it's strange, but you have been doing a number of things you "don't mean anything by." And that's just what you're sharing with us.
When he gave you his phone number, why did you reciprocate by giving him yours? That's an invitation for him to call you. Period. And when he said he'd like to visit your area, you responded by saying, "Oh, that would be cool."
This leads me to wonder about the nature of your online communications, the specifics of which we're not aware. But it wouldn't be a stretch to think that it was a lot friendlier on your part than you're willing to admit now.
You certainly haven't been closing the door on this guy; don't blame him if he thinks there's wiggle room for a relationship.
Yes, I can admit looking back at it now, that there were times where I might have said things that were inappropriate given the context of our friendship. I also know that by participating in everyday chats and even talking about sex with him that it was inappropriate.
I thought it was "safe" because he wasn't in my state, and as I mentioned before he's been dating girls, hooking up and doing his own thing too, and had mentioned that he wasn't ready for a relationship. From my POV it just didn't seem like there were any risks in divulging information to him, talking everyday etc. I've always taken men by their words, especially in this sort of situation. From prior experience, when a man says he isn't ready for a relationship, then he isn't ready--so while I found it strange that he contacted me so much, I figured he might have been bored, or just wanting someone to talk with that wasn't his male friends. I had told him on many occasions my view on sex as well--that I was not into or interested in hook-ups and all that other stuff that he tends to do(ONS, FWBS, etc) too. So between him telling me about girls he was dating, me telling him about men I was dating, and him knowing the views I expressed about sex, and his views on relationships, I thought, that we were on the same page that this was a phone friendship and nothing more.
But after reading all the personal stories in this thread, I'm seeing that it isn't unusual for relationships to form this way, so I realize that I might have been leading him on, by exchanging numbers, talking with him so frequently, saying yes to him asking to come visit me, etc... He probably assumes that I was just talking s*** and that if he came out here he might be able to get some(since he has already said he's not ready for a relationship) from me. While from my POV traveling far away, and spending money just to get sex for a weekend is ridiculous, I do know that there probably aren't any lengths a man wouldn't go just to have sex, even if he was already having plenty of sex with other women.
Lesson learned. I'll probably give an update, in a few weeks about what I decide, regarding his visit(since he's coming for sure now).
At the two bolded statements:
1. He's told me about girls he's dated or hooked up with, in fact last night he had sex with a girl. I assumed that despite him making that comment, that he's obviously doing okay with girls. Didn't see it that way. But now that you mention it, he did say he used to be a nerd or something and was awkward with women, but since then has gotten much better with women. He's only had 1 gf... Yeah I'm sensing what you mean.
2. Yeah, as I mentioned before, I guess I've never had a platonic friendship with a guy before, unfortunately. This is a common theme, in my friendships with men, where they get sexual. I thought it was normal tbh. And since we were never meeting up, I didn't think too deeply into it.
Now I'm seeing where I messed up.
See, it turns me off that he would even tell you that he had sex with someone last night. What would be his purpose in doing that? I don’t even know if I believe him I think he’s trying to sound cool and make you think he’s in demand. But for a guy who has admitted romantic feelings towards you, to tell you about other women he’s having sex with, is to me very tacky and immature. This is a weird friendship to me.
But yes, every one of those guys in your past, secretly hoped you’d change your mind. Have you ever tried to be friends with someone you had romantic feelings for? It doesn’t work.
See, it turns me off that he would even tell you that he had sex with someone last night. What would be his purpose in doing that? I don’t even know if I believe him I think he’s trying to sound cool and make you think he’s in demand. But for a guy who has admitted romantic feelings towards you, to tell you about other women he’s having sex with, is to me very tacky and immature. This is a weird friendship to me.
But yes, every one of those guys in your past, secretly hoped you’d change your mind. Have you ever tried to be friends with someone you had romantic feelings for? It doesn’t work.
Lmao. I won’t lie I find it a little immature too. I went to a Christmas party last night, that I told him about already, and he had told me he was going on a date with a girl he’d met. This morning he texted me good morning, and made small talk, asked me how the Christmas party went, I told him I had fun, so I asked him how his date went, and that’s when he mentioned that he had sex with her(talked about how many times he made her have an orgasm) and said she spent the night. So I found it weird that he decided to text me, assuming she was either still there, or had just left. I definitely think it could have been a lie, but who knows. I have similar conversations with my female friends, so I never saw this type of talk as strange, but in the context of our “friendship” if there are romantic feelings involved it is weird that he would talk to me about a girl he slept with.
And no I’ve never personally tried being friends with someone I liked, but as it stands all of the male friends that I’ve had that liked me are no longer friends with me. So I get it.
While from my POV traveling far away, and spending money just to get sex for a weekend is ridiculous, I do know that there probably aren't any lengths a man wouldn't go just to have sex, even if he was already having plenty of sex with other women
.
It doesn't sound like he's coming just to get sex. He's coming because he believes he's in love with you. That's my take on it anyway.
Well when he asked me about the dates, and asked if it was okay, I said it was... But then later on I felt weird about it. That's why I feel guilty. I should have told him right when he asked me, that I wasn't comfortable.
Yes, you should have. I really don't understand the "lmao" comment over the fact that it's too late and he's already bought non refundable tickets based on the conversation with you. And you thought he was 'safe'? Is this some sort of weird relationship game?
Yes, you should have. I really don't understand the "lmao" comment over the fact that it's too late and he's already bought non refundable tickets based on the conversation with you. And you thought he was 'safe'? Is this some sort of weird relationship game?
I explained what I meant by safe... I meant safe as in, I didn't think we were ever going to meet, he said he didn't want a relationship so I didn't believe that he would have any romantic feelings for me, he knew my beliefs on sex, and he knew that I thought he was too young for me too. So safe=nothing is going to amount from this, so I didn't put much thought into a lot of things that I perhaps should have. That's all I meant.
It's not a weird relationship game???
I genuinely believed that we were phone buddies. The lmao wasn't appropriate, just by way of dealing with how strange this situation is to me.
I don't think that's the case, it's not possible to fall in love with someone you've never met before. I appreciate your take though.
On the contrary, people do it or think they do it all the time.
When a relationship involves only online/phone talking, it usually creates a speeded up/often intense sense of intimacy. The reason being you are always and only talking/sharing of yourself, sometimes deep and/or secret parts of yourself due to feeling safe with the anonymity.
Sometimes, this is a false sense of intimacy because its only based on what the person is telling you and you have no idea if they are telling the truth or creating some fantasy version of themself or their life.
In a real relationship, you do lots of other things...…….like eat a meal which cuts down on the amount of talking/sharing, watch a movie where you may say very little to each other for a couple hours, etc.
In a real relationship, the intimacy usually builds more slowly. And, people generally reveal themselves to each other more slowly as trust builds in the relationship.
I don't think that's the case, it's not possible to fall in love with someone you've never met before. I appreciate your take though.
You may think it's not possible, but IMO from what you've mentioned he's said, especially the comment about falling in love with you if you lived nearby!) he believes he is in love with you. Of course time will tell, but remember what I said
See, it turns me off that he would even tell you that he had sex with someone last night. What would be his purpose in doing that? I don’t even know if I believe him I think he’s trying to sound cool and make you think he’s in demand. But for a guy who has admitted romantic feelings towards you, to tell you about other women he’s having sex with, is to me very tacky and immature. This is a weird friendship to me.
But yes, every one of those guys in your past, secretly hoped you’d change your mind. Have you ever tried to be friends with someone you had romantic feelings for? It doesn’t work.
Agreed. He's trying to impress you, to influence your thinking positively of him ( he's in demand, other ladies want him, blah blah blah).
He definitely plans on sex, but then, you've set the stage for him.
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