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An American is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter &
jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The
American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to America." The Canadian
has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
The Canadian
persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" American: "Of Course."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.
In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and left oversee in containers, recycle them, transform them into
jam and sell the jam to America."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?" Canadian: "Why of
course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk. American: "And what
do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada."
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right
in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the
shoulder.
This evidently teed the driver off enough that he hung out his window
and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to
myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 76 miles, of
these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is
on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in,
that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars
every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not
bumper-to-bumper.
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to
something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any
given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their
period. That is 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of
Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or
homicide, that's 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem,
that's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons, and the number is increasing.
That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period,
and is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her
off.
Now You Know Why Math Is Important
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.
The beautiful young blonde goes to a soda machine at Caesar's Palace in Las
Vegas. She arrives just before a businessman. She opens her purse and put
in 50 cents, pushes a Diet Pepsi button, and out comes a Diet Pepsi. She puts
it on a counter by the machine and reaches back into her purse She pulls out
a dollar and puts it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she
pushes the button for Dr. Pepper and out comes a Dr. Pepper and 50 cents
change. She takes the 50 cents change and puts it in the machine, pushes the
Lipton Iced Tea button, and out comes a Lipton's Iced Tea.
As she reaches into her purse again,the businessman who has been waiting
patiently for several minutes says, "Excuse me, but are you done yet?"
She looks at him and indignantly replies, "Well Duhhh!!! I'm still winning.
Approximately 33.33% of the Jonas Brothers have diabetes.
One in every four kids with the initials A.D.D. actually has it, and four out of four kids with the initials A.D.H.D. has an annoying, self-righteous mother who wouldn't just shut up and take her husband's last name.
Here's a fun one. One of every fourty-four U.S. presidents can dunk....... It's Millard Filmoore you racists.
The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes.
Here's a really interesting one. The average person has one fallopian tube.
The average penis length is 5-and-a-half inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who Googles "average penis length" is 3-and-a-half inches.
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
Happy now?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and
sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time
of year or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get
the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to
do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's
breaks.
Okay???
--------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or
family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so
you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death,"
as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your stinking salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
them scream right now!
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off
with full pay.
Our scoutmaster said we should write home to our parents, in case you heard
about the flood and got worried. We're all okay. Only one of our tents and
two of our sleeping bags got washed away. Nobody drowned because we were all
on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yeah,
please call Chad's mother and tell her he's okay. He can't write her because
of the cast on his arm. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps!
It was neat! We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for
all the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone
without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire, so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a
fire, the gas can will blow up? It was so cool! The wet wood still wouldn't
burn, but one of our tents did, and some of our clothes. Boy, Johnny is going
to look weird until his hair grows back! We'll be home Saturday if
Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The
brakes worked good when we left. But he said with a car that old you have to
expect something to break down. That's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's
hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 15
people in the car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the
highway patrolman stopped and yelled at him. This morning all of the guys
were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb
wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink
because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was
great. You can still sees some of the trees under the water from the flood.
And Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get
mad about us leaving
the life jackets behind. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so
we're trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We passed our first
aid merit badges. When Dave dove
in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.Also, Wade
and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning
from the left over chicken. He said they got sick like that with the food
they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He
said he figured out how to do things better while he was doing time.
I have to go now. We are going in to town to mail this and buy some bullets
and more gasoline. Don't worry about anything. We are doing just fine.
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House.
Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up.
"Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"
Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just
to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
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