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One day a Washington, D.C. florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a police officer came in for a haircut and, when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The officer was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
A Congressman came in for a haircut and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,480 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59858
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to
GOD , USA . They decided to send it to President Obama.
Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington , D.C. and those Jackwagons took $ 95.00 in taxes.
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”
I'm never going back to that doctor again……….. NEVER!!!
Last edited by highcotton; 10-11-2013 at 10:11 AM..
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,480 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59858
Mrs. Cameron, a grade school teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs. Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "The only other thing I remember is mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,480 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59858
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved
> forwards then backwards, forward then backwards, again and again.
>
> Back and forth, back and forth... And, in and out, in and out...
> And, a little to the right, a little to the left...
>
> She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and
> trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
>
> Her heart was pounding ... Her face was flushed ... Then she moaned,
> softly at first, and then began to groan louder.
>
> Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
>
> "OK, OK! I can't parallel park! You do it.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,480 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59858
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.
"Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
“Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me
and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?’"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well, she's been reading that book, “50 Shades of Gray.”
On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
Location: Vermont, grew up in Colorado and California
5,296 posts, read 7,239,530 times
Reputation: 9253
A Police officer was running radar when a car went by going slow, only 22 mph.
He was concerned something might be wrong since the speed limit was 55, so he turned on his lights, and the car promptly pulled over. he just wanted to give a warning, It can be just as dangerous to drive to slow as it is to speed. As he approached the car, He noticed 3 old lady passengers in the back looking white as ghosts. The driver was an elderly lady, she rolls down the window stating.
"What seems to be the problem, I know I wasn't speeding, I was driving exaactly 22 mph, like the sign says" She point to a sign, the Officer told her that is the name of the road you are on, Rte. 22. "
Told her she can go on her way, but first asked, "Are your passengers in the back OK?"
She said "Oh they will be fine, apparently we just came off of rte 142:>)
Last edited by Summerz; 10-17-2013 at 04:03 PM..
Reason: apparently
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,480 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59858
A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it's coming from.
She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, "Ludwig van Beethoven."
Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.
Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.
By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about," says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!!"
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