Official Joke & Humor Thread - Part Deux [MERGED] (house, ideas, how much)

[CCc girl]

Originally Posted: 2014-03-14 7:54am
◀ prev▲ next ▶ Unique Coffee and Side table (will injure children)




It's with a heavy heart that I must relinquish possession of my beloved coffee table.

As you've undoubtedly noticed by the picture provided, it's a most unique and handsome coffee table; it's capacious multi-layers and glimmering sheen is the centre piece of any living room.

I know by now you think it sounds like not only the perfect coffee table, but also the ideal accent piece to any room, and you'd almost be right. Almost.

It's asymmetrical beauty comes with a steep and ominous cost. It has roughly 10 metal, kinda sharp corners, in varying heights and angles and therefore punishes the heedless and ungraceful with leg abrasions at every turn, and the only way it could be anymore lethal to toddlers is if you put it at the bottom of an unattended swimming pool.

It's structure is robust; chrome and thick glass. I'm not sure what it's exact dimensions are and eyeballing without getting of my chair, I'd estimate 4 foot by 3 feet and like, average coffee table height, but it'd be different in metric.

I don't know how much it weighs, but it's metal and glass so let's just go with 'a lot for a coffee table.'

It also has a slight mar in it's beauty in the form of a shallow, 3" chip in the corner of it's glass top.

If, after searching your soul, you believe this coffee table is destined to yours, it can be made so with a mere pittance of $40, roughly 10% of it's original price.

It also comes with a matching side table, that frankly I don't much care for.

[Litefoot]

Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" ............... while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[CCc girl]

^^^ Gaaaaahhh!!!!!!!




A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad, says he man

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress... "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Litefoot]

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied,
'No peer pressure.'

[motormaker]

DO NOT shampoo your hair in the shower as the shampoo runs down your body when you are rinsing off your hair . . . I'm so relieved to finally get a health warning that is useful!

This IS A WARNING to all of us!

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. Its label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!

[Litefoot]

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.

[CCc girl]

So a wife said to her long time husband, "if I would die first, honey, would you remarry?" The husband thought for a second and answered, "gee, I don't know, probably not."

"Why not?" she said. "Your still in good shape." He replied,"ok maybe I would." The wife asked, "if you did remarry, would you live in our house?" He said, "I don't think so."

She said, "it's a perfectly good house, why not?" "Ok maybe we would." He replied.

"Well, what about my car? Would she drive it?" He answered, "I got you that car for your birthday, I just don't know." "Well it would be fine, I wouldn't be here to drive it." She said. "Ok,ok." He said.

She asked, "well what about my golf clubs, would she use them." "Oh, no she couldn't, impossible." He said.
"Well why not?"she asked. "Well, because she's left-handed!" He replied.

[Litefoot]

A Grave Encounter

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

[CCc girl]

not humorous, just wanted to share. Yeah, I'm a sappy patriot type




As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart
of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car
up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open.

The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away
in my car, and continued to watch the old gentleman from about twenty
five feet away.

I saw a young man in his early twenties with a grocery bag in
his arm walking towards the old man. The old gentleman saw him coming
too, and took a few steps towards him.

I saw the old gentleman point to his open hood and say
something. The young man put his grocery bag into what looked like a
brand new Cadillac Escalade. He then turned back to the old man. I heard
him yell at the old gentleman saying:

'You shouldn't even be allowed to drive a car at your age.' And
then with a wave of his hand, he got in his car and peeled rubber out of
the parking lot.

I saw the old gentleman pull out his handkerchief, and mop his
brow as he went back to his car and again looked at the engine.

He then went to his wife and spoke with her; he appeared to tell
her it would be okay. I had seen enough, and I approached the old man.
He saw me coming and stood straight, and as I got near him I said,
'Looks like you're having a problem.'

He smiled sheepishly, and quietly nodded his head. I looked
under the hood myself, and knew that whatever the problem was, it was
beyond me. Looking around, I saw a gas station up the road, and I told
the old man that I would be right back. I drove to the station and went
inside. I saw three attendants working on cars. I approached one of
them, and related the problem the old man had with his car. I offered to
pay them if they could follow me back down and help him.

The old man had pushed the heavy car under the shade of a tree
and appeared to be comforting his wife. When he saw us he straightened
up and thanked me for my help. As the mechanics diagnosed the problem
(overheated engine), I spoke with the old gentleman.

When I shook hands with him earlier, he had noticed my Marine
Corps ring and had commented about it, telling me that he had been a
Marine too. I nodded and asked the usual question, 'What outfit did you
serve with?'

He said that he served with the first Marine Division at
Guadalcanal, Pelieliu, and Okinawa .

He had hit three of the worst ones, and retired from the Corps
after the war was over. As we talked we heard the car engine come on and
saw the mechanics lower the hood. They came over to us as the old man
reached for his wallet, but was stopped by me. I told him I would just
put the bill on my AAA card.

He still reached for the wallet and handed me a card that I
assumed had his name and address on it, and I stuck it in my pocket. We
all shook hands all around again, and I said my goodbye's to his wife.

I then told the two mechanics that I would follow them back up
to the station. Once at the station, I told them that they had
interrupted their own jobs to come along with me and help the old man. I
said I wanted to pay for the help, but they refused to charge me.

One of them pulled out a card from his pocket, looking exactly
like the card the old man had given to me. Both of the men told me then
that they were Marine Corps Reserves. Once again we shook hands all
around and as I was leaving, one of them told me I should look at the
card the old man had given to me. I said I would and drove off.

For some reason I had gone about two blocks, when I pulled over
and took the card out of my pocket and looked at it for a long, long
time. The name of the old gentleman was on the card in golden leaf and
under his name was written: 'Congressional Medal of Honor Society.'


I sat there motionless, looking at the card and reading it over
and over. I looked up from the card and smiled to no one but myself and
marveled that on this day, four Marines had all come together because
one of us needed help. He was an old man all right, but it felt good to
have stood next to greatness and courage, and an honor to have been in
his presence.

[Litefoot]

Honor Among Thieves
A mother complained to my wife, 
a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.

“It’s not the money—it’s the 
principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.”

Roger Prengel, Lacey, Washington