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A lady has not slept with anyone for a long time so she decides to go see a Dr to see what could be the problem with her. She sees Dr. Wong. When he walks into the room he says "hwello" and she proceed to tell him that she has not slept with anyone for such a long time, is there something wrong with her. Dr. Wong says " Youw go take off allw your crowes and stand in the crowner. Now bend down" So she procedes to bend down with her back towards him and he says "more, more, more" Now she is looking between her legs "OOhhh says Dr. Wong I see, I see you have "Zachary diease" the lady stand up straight and covers her mouth "Oh My Goh Dr., Zachary diease , What is that? Dr. Wong looks at her and says " Your face looks ExZachary like your ass.
Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed
down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no
flies, no smell.
"What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.
"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her
shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag,
Aad then I'll take the tissue."
She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag, and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline Into her own Dillard's bag and cover it.
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their
goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left
Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while
they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell. They
decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to
Luby's Cafeteria.
After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table,
they had a clear view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still sitting on top of the
trunk-lid.
BUT not for long!
As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then take the Dillard's bag without breaking stride.
She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each
other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that
neither of them could think how to respond.
"Can you imagine?" sputtered Ellen finally. "The nerve of that woman!"
Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief.
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.
Following her gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with THE Dillard's bag hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs. She put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into
her lap to survey her treasure.
Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt
audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of
gasping noise.
The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor,
wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant
quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call
911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who
remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the
ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes, the curly-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings.
The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the ambulance doors, with the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.
God does take care of those who do bad things! (AND sometimes He lets us witness it!)
Some hillbillys were making SHINE to sell and decided that they would try printing their own money. What happened was that instead of a $20 bill it came out as a $21 bill. Pa says to son, go down to Zeeks corner store and buy some chewing tobacco and some greens to eat. Son says, "but Pa, Zeek won't take the $21 bill as its phoney". Pa says, "never mind cause Zeek is too dumb to notice the difference". Son goes into store, asks for tobacco and greens and hands the $21 bill to Zeek. Without batting a eyelash, Zeek turns the crank to open the cash register drawer, reaches inside and PULLS out a $6 and two $3 bills and some loose change to give to the son. Stefhen
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
A very materialistic woman was always bugging her husband to get her a new car. He wanted something very pratical and cheap like a beat-up truck, but she wanted something very sporty, fast, and with a price that was way off the charts for her husband. On her birthday, she warned him "You either get me something fast for my birthday that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds or I'll leave you!", so he stopped at Walmart and got her a bathroom scale.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient
should be institutionalized."
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient
and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon
or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the
plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and
she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too.
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