Joke & Humor Thread Official (driver's license, speeding ticket, Walmart, money)

[fuzzymystic]

A Man and his Car
A rich business executive sees an ad in the Wall Street Journal for the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million.

The mogul decides that he must have it, and assigns half a dozen assistants to track the car down for him. After months of searching, the car is found, bought, and delivered. Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin.

At the first stop light, an young man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa. Without an invitation, the young man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?"

"About 270," answers the executive.

"No way," says the young man.

Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the young man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.

But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop.

Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.

"What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"

Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the young man on the Vespa.

"That just couldn't be," he says to himself.

Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy.

The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the young man on the Vespa that crashed into him.

"Are you okay?" asks the executive. "Is there anything I can do for you?

"Yes," replied the young man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."

[Nims]

A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[Nims]

There's this 86.year-old guy who loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen, and I'll give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front shirt pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked in at the frog, and said, 'Yeah, thanks, but at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[Steve Bagu]

A group of men were at a convention. The speaker at the microphone said that he was going to take a survey. He wanted to know how many men had SEX twice a week. About 30 hands went up. And how many have SEX once a week. About 12 hands went up. And how many have SEX once a month. About 7 hands went up. And how many have SEX twice a year. Three hands went up. And how many have SEX once a year. A man at the rear of the room stood up and YELLED I DO,I DO,I DO. The speaker at the mike says "heavens man, if you have SEX only once a year why are you so HAPPY"? TONIGHTS THE NIGHT!!!!!

[Steve Bagu]

Another SHORT ONE PLEASE. A 3 yr old girl and a 4 yr old boy were getting bathed together in a bathtub. The little girl wanted to touch his P**** and he says "oh no you dont, you touched yours and it FELL OFF.

[Nims]

It's the day before Thanksgiving. A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you something important: your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

The son is shocked, and he screams at his father,"Pop, what are you talking about?"


"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says."We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago, and you tell her about it."


Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

So immediately, she calls Phoenix.

When she gets her father on the phone, she screams at him, "You two are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? NOTHING!!" and she hangs up.


The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay" he says, with a big smile, "they're coming for Thanksgiving -- and they're paying their own way!"

[Gone-2-Beach]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal? She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied "six".

The judge then said, 'I will then give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?' The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

[Nims]

Little Lynn was in the garden filling in a hole when the neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to, Lynn?"

"My goldfish died", replied little Lynn tearfully without looking up, "...and I've just finished burying him."

The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Lynn patted down the last heap of earth and then looked up the her neighbor and replied, "Yes, it is, but that's because he's inside your damned cat!"

[fuzzymystic]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

[motormaker]

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Duluth . They head to the bird section
and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pays for the birds, leave
the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Two
Harbors.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand
place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off
the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin'
yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives at the cliffs. He walks up to
the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag and a shotgun. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis."
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot and continues
to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been
to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag and pulls out a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken
by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and
down and hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute
parrotshooting.,.and now Lars hengliding....."