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Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,442,306 times
Reputation: 4611
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It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful
manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about
to close up shop when a little, old man slipped through the door. He
carried an umbrella, blown inside out and was bundled in two
sweaters and a thick coat. But even so, he still looked wet,
freezing and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf, he said to the
baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please"? The baker
said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more"? "That's right,"
answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry." "And who
is Sherry, your wife"? asked the baker. "What did you think,"
snapped the little man, "that my mother would send me out on a night
like this"?
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,442,306 times
Reputation: 4611
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the
Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced,
'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here to be
put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly,
the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'****,' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center...
How to pretend to be working1. Frequent the Coffee Machine every hour.2. Visit toilets as much as possible. 3. Re-visit toilets due to excessive coffee consumption.4. Open a large document, put your hands up to your head so nobody can see your eyes and go asleep. Don't make noise or it will be noticed that you are asleep.5. Pretend to look for things in your drawer.6. Fix the height of your rotating chair.7. Check your E-mail and reply to any that you have every 5 minutes.8. Browse the internet.9. Put on your favourite CD so you can't hear other people working beside you.10. Arrange your desk twice a day by placing
How to pretend to be working1. Frequent the Coffee Machine every hour.2. Visit toilets as much as possible. 3. Re-visit toilets due to excessive coffee consumption.4. Open a large document, put your hands up to your head so nobody can see your eyes and go asleep. Don't make noise or it will be noticed that you are asleep.5. Pretend to look for things in your drawer.6. Fix the height of your rotating chair.7. Check your E-mail and reply to any that you have every 5 minutes.8. Browse the internet.9. Put on your favourite CD so you can't hear other people working beside you.10. Arrange your desk twice a day by placing
Have you been spying on me??!!...LOL I've used many of these tactics before at work.
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' Greg asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE
Submitted by Jonalee Echols from Bullard Texas.
1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.
3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
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