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I can see both sides of the coin, but the original poster is right, parents you are not your child's friend PERIOD you are their parent. Grounding them for the summer, nothing wrong with that, myself personally I would not go overboard like that with no entertainment whatsoever for my kids but that's just me. Look at it like this, as a freshman in high school the way colleges and universities are, his son is already behind with failing math so no video games, cool, no tv, I would pair it down to a few hours a day, no dessert, oh well he'll live, extra chores he should be doing that anyway, help teach responsibility, no vacation well vacation is not a right, it's a privilege and if he hasn't earned it he just hasn't period. Buying books that you and your wife approve of, well all parents should be doing that IMO. Parents nowadays are too scared to be parents, they do want to be their child's buddy, their pal because some shrink who's never had to deal with a child let alone a teenager thinks they know what's best. Case in point, when I was coaching my step daughters youth basketball team, I told them a few days earlier, to start doing something or their will be consequences. Of course kids don't listen so after practice they would normally play knockout. That day I told them no and told them why they weren't playing it. They were disappointed but oh well. Helping coach was a recent grad "child psychology" major who played in college. She decides that she was going to let them play so I went over, took the ball and made them tell me why I said they couldn't play. This recent grad with no kids of their own proceeded to tell me that you don't do that, it's child psychology 101, you don't take things away like that. I then proceeded to ask her how many kids does she have OH ZERO I said, then I pointed towards the kids and said does it look like they are going to be scarred for life as they started joking around with each other by that time.
The point being, some of the things people have said in this thread falls along those lines, too scared to discipline as if the child will just fall apart or something.
I will say though by your own words it seems as though he really has a problem with math. I do not know your financial situation but if you can go on a vacation, you can get him a tutor or some place like Sylvan Learning Center because it does sound like he has a problem with math which can be proactively addressed.
No one want to answer this: HOW does this sort of attitude help the child improve in math?
I would certainly suggest lifting the grounding after the 4th of July. What I learned from long groundings (I never did one this long, BTW) is that it gets harder and harder to enforce them as time goes on. Also, after you've grounded for the summer, what's left to use as discipline?
Perhaps there is a summer school course the student could take for makeup work.
I think it would be more helpful to uses social time or TV/phone, whatever as a reward. If he studies for x hours/day, then he can have his phone for the evening, or go out on the weekend. I don't think every parent on here is a friend and not a parent to their kids. I know I'm not (just ask them. I'm "mean"). I'm not against strict punishment, but in this case, it will do more harm than good. It doesn't fit the "crime".
You can be a parent and be friendly towards your child. I discipline my own children quite handily yet we still are close and have a friendly relationship. We laugh, play, share interests, have long talks, etc.
This whole "parent not friend" thing is contemptible to me.
When you do a good job of parenting, you will like your child; therefore, you will be friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25
A parent teaches, guides, listens, demonstrates and disciplines. . . .
Exactly! A parent wears many hats.
Being a friend does not imply being a peer. There is nothing negative about being a friend.
You like your friends, don't you? You help your friends. Friends enjoy each other's company. Friends watch movies, attend events, play games, talk to, and comfort each other. Friends support and encourage each other in positive ways.
You are a parent to a child because you love the child.
You are a friend to a child because you like the child.
If you did a good job of parenting the child, then you will like the child.
Being a parent and being a friend are not incompatible and I feel sorry for anyone who does not like his/her child enough to be friends with the child. One day you will stop "parenting" (not the same as not being a parent), but you will continue to be friends.
Many parent children that are not their own and many like children that are not their own.
I seriously hope this poster is not for real. I graduated college but had a terrible time in high school with geometry - some people have a hard time with math; others with reading . . .
Honestly, I cannot see one thing you have done that will actually help your child succeed in math class.
Yeah, I would be pi$$ed too if my son failed a class - but he would be in summer school OR at Sylvan; OR I would find a private tutor for him. THEN he would pass the class and isn't that what you want?
Your punishment sound like abuse to me and you also sound like a total failure as a parent.
I have to agree - this is a troll thread, as what parent would actually do what the OP proposes and still claim to "care" for that child?!? That's just child abuse, plain and simple. If this was a legit post, I'd hope someone who knows the OP in person would be calling Child Protection Services and get that kid taken out of the home pronto - it can and does happen quite frequently. Anytime someone hears of a kid being abused in any way shape or form, they need to call CPS ASAP, instead of just saying "well, that's just a different parenting style".
Abuse is abuse, and it needs to be stamped out like a cockroach running across the kitchen floor - and we all need to do our part, both parents and non-parents alike (this goes for friends and peers of the abused child, especially - silence is never golden when it comes to abuse!)
But by golly, PLEASE let this just be a troll post, as I can't imagine this being real, I just can't.
I have to agree - this is a troll thread, as what parent would actually do what the OP proposes and still claim to "care" for that child?!? That's just child abuse, plain and simple. If this was a legit post, I'd hope someone who knows the OP in person would be calling Child Protection Services and get that kid taken out of the home pronto - it can and does happen quite frequently. Anytime someone hears of a kid being abused in any way shape or form, they need to call CPS ASAP, instead of just saying "well, that's just a different parenting style".
Abuse is abuse, and it needs to be stamped out like a cockroach running across the kitchen floor - and we all need to do our part, both parents and non-parents alike (this goes for friends and peers of the abused child, especially - silence is never golden when it comes to abuse!)
But by golly, PLEASE let this just be a troll post, as I can't imagine this being real, I just can't.
How is he abusing? I really don't see where's that abuse...
Exactly.
I wouldn't honestly burn the house down but yeah I would so anything possible to make my parents think I am crazy to get out of the house.
See, you would a kid who did that committed.
Look, the kids out of the house, away from the crazy parent and out of that parents control.
I'm pretty sure life in a looney bin would be a lot better than what that kid is getting.
You missed the point and proved mine.
And as I was committed and got to hug my parents good bye, I'd whisper to the crazy dad, you're so easy to manipulate, I just got what I wanted, out of your house and away from your crazy rules, I win.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
And they will. The problem with punishment after the fact is the child can't correct the problem that led to the punishment in the first place. Since they can't handle this in a positive way, the only thing left is negative ways. I can see him making life as miserable as possible for the entire family in rebellion. Why not? He can't fix this and things can't get worse.
My choice would be to put him in summer school whether the issue is laziness or actual difficulties in math. Either way, summer school addresses the issue. If it's laziness, he'll think twice next year so he doesn't end up in summer school again. If it's genuine difficulties, summer school will help shore up his ability.
I can see grounding a child like this DURING the school year UNTIL his grades are brought up but this kid is powerless to correct the problem that got him grounded. He's just being beaten down. He has 3 months of grounding ahead of him no matter what he does. Exactly what is he supposed to do this summer while he's grounded to fix this? What can he do? NOTHING. All he can do is do the time. If his difficulties are due to laziness, that may be enough to get him on track for next year BUT even if his difficulties are laziness, he may now be far enough behind that he can't pull up next year. IMO, summer school or tutoring during the summer would be a much better "punishment".
All the kid needs is a tutor.
No punishment, or if he HAS to absolutely be punished, it shouldn't be the whole summer.
That's just ridiculous.
Way to cause depression in yet another teenager. That kid is going to be so suicidal come September when school gets back in.
NO ONE, can function like that. That kid (if this is true) is going to be so deeply depressed and suicidal.
How is he abusing? I really don't see where's that abuse...
How is it not abuse when the kid is expected to stay in his room (w/ the door off), study-study-study, have no fun, get no dessert and on top of that, have his siblings tell him how good it is and all the fun they're having over the summer - not to mention the father is considering leaving him home while they all go on a summer vacation to Hawaii - yet he complains that it might be $$ for him to afford a tutor to help his kid when it s/h/b done months and months ago if he was really so concerned. Why was the situation ignored for so long - ?? Physical abuse may not be involved but mental and emotional abuse certainly is, I'm all for discipline but it has to be reasonable/realistic and not harsh and unkind, the idea is to help him, giving him a book and expecting him to understand it on his own makes no sense, it prob. is like expecting him to learn another language, it's just unreasonable in this case, am sure the boy wants to please but obviously the subject is challenging for him.
That said, I believe that this is whole thread is based on untruths, someone just fabricated a story to get some attention and rile everyone up, loving parents don't treat their children that way, they want to help them and boost their self-esteem, not hinder them and drag them down which does nothing to help them in the long run, it actually can and will make a bad situation worse.
Last edited by Honeycrisp; 06-05-2011 at 04:05 PM..
No TV
No Computer
No Video Games
No Phone (I also took away his cell phone)
No Friends
No Desserts
No Bedroom Door (I removed it- privacy is a privilege in our household)
Plenty of Extra Chores
No Books except those I or my wife approve. I will be buying him a math text book and he will be spending 8 hours a day studying, all summer long.
He's not allowed outside of the house, except to accompany me or my wife on errands, as he's also not allowed home alone.
Whenever the rest of the family has dessert, he has to watch us eat it. Also, each evening, I make his sisters (ages 17 and 14) and his brother (age 12) tell him about all the summer fun they had that day, so he'll know what he's missing out on.
We are also going on vacation to Hawaii in July and he will not be allowed to come.
I'm looking at all of this and imagining when I was 15. I was a freshman in high school and brought home a 68 in math after the first semester. Fear of being grounded didn't make me bring my grade up. Guilt, embarrassment, and wanting something better for myself made me raise my grade. My father made me feel guilty for failing math. His take was "I'm dissapointed. I know you can do better than this". I also developed a reputation as "the smart kid". I had a knack for geography, history, science, and languages(particularly French). However, math was a nightmare for me. Being "the smart kid" meant I couldn't fail any classes and I was embarrassed about my bad grade in math. One kid found out I failed and said "that was pathetic". I also wanted to go to college. I didn't want to end up doing some menial labor. I wanted to have a college degree,as my father has one. I strived for something better.
The punishment, well, I had to think about how I would have responded to it at the end of my freshman year. All I did was go outside, watch TV, read books, and sometimes, I didn't eat dessert after dinner. I didn't have a cell phone or a computer. I was slightly anti-social, so not hanging out with anyone was normal for me. However, I would eat it at school. Punishing me by denying dessert would have worked when I was ten, but at 15, it wouldn't work. If I wanted dessert, I would wait until everyone was in the master bedroom or until everyone was asleep. If the door was off, then it would be that much easier to sneak around. That's what I did as an adolescent. No TV? Well, my father grounded me for two weeks once. I waited until everyone was away and flipped on the TV, until I could see my parents coming and turned it off. That's the type of 15 year old I was. If I was on punishment, I would wait for every chance I got to munity or violated the terms. My motive was "I'm getting my way no matter what". In short, not much for me to lose.
I don't know what your son is like. Maybe it would work. Maybe it won't. I wouldn't recommend shoving the fact that he's grounded in his face. If he doesn't get dessert, he'll know. If he can't go anywhere or do anything, he'll know. And the way you have it set up, I still have a question: Do you and your spouse work? I ask this because you mentioned he isn't allowed to be home alone. If both parents are at work, would he have to go to the jobsite, or what?
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When you do a good job of parenting, you will like your child; therefore, you will be friends.
A parent wears many hats. 
There is nothing negative about being a friend. 
You help your friends. Friends enjoy each other's company. Friends watch movies, attend events, play games, talk to, and comfort each other. 
Friends support and encourage each other in positive ways. 
