Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I was a DD1 growing up,not saying all of my problems were because of this(my problems I made myself) However it really did a number on my self esteem.Please Please try to think of better ways to talk to or about DD1, it took a very few angry years for my Mom to figure it out but she did and we have a wonderful relationship. However those angry years are lost years and can never be regained.
I was a DD1 growing up,not saying all of my problems were because of this(my problems I made myself) However it really did a number on my self esteem.Please Please try to think of better ways to talk to or about DD1, it took a very few angry years for my Mom to figure it out but she did and we have a wonderful relationship. However those angry years are lost years and can never be regained.
The post I was going to put here is TMI given that there are people here who will grab anything to slam me. I'm going to send it to you in a PM. Seriously, if there is a way to talk to her that will help, I really need to know. As things stand now, she's going to fall on her face and end up alone.
I will post this to those who think this is all me. One of the few friends dd has, and friendships don't last long with her because the longer they're around the more she abuses them like she does family, wrote in her yearbook "RESPECT YOUR MOTHER" in huge letters. Dd attends the school I work for. She disses me to the other students and disses our family. It's embarassing.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-09-2012 at 03:47 AM..
On second thought, I will put that post out here. I'll just ignore the crap that's sure to fall out. I cannot be the only parent dealing with a child like this.
We are having a very hard time getting her to accept that different people have different abilities and it has nothing to do with her. She seems to take ANYONE (especially her sister) doing better than her on what she percieves as less practice (often not the case) as a slight. She thinks she's been cheated. Every abiliyt, no matter how hard they've worked for it, that someone else has is seen as a slight to her. Having a sister who shines is, especially, problematic for her. If there is a way to talk to her, I'd love to know it. We're on 4 years of therapy here that has, at times included the entire family being in therapy. Most of the time it's just her but it's a slow process.
She, literally, ignores the work others put in then whines about how they got more than her. If I point out their work, she goes of the deep end and accuses me of either thinking she's lazy, doesn't work or is stupid. For example, she complained about her ACT scores and how she was below average for her school. I pointed out that the kids who did well went through the prep program the school offered and prepped on their own. When those things were offered to her, she got upset and said that we thought she was too stupid to take the test. So she took it with no prep work (according to studies, prepping puts 3-5 points on your score and that would have been the difference between her going to community college, and the college of her choice) and scored too low to get into the college of her choice. Now she goes around telling people we're too poor to send her there so she's going to CC when CC is the only place her score will get her in. She refuses to retake the test with prepping when many of her peers are retaking because they didn't like their scores. She, repeatedly, refuses to help herself then cries about the results.
Don't think I'm focused on her score because I'm not. This is just a great example of how she'll put in no effort then whine about the results and compare herself to others. If you point out they worked harder, she cries you think she's lazy, stupid, whatever (the drama around here is insane and she does not care what she says in front of others). I think CC, for her, is a great option. She has not yet learned that she is not her sister. She cannot succeed on minimal effort like her sister can yet, that's what she does. I'm often amazed that she keeps doing the same thing, keeps getting the same results and refuses to change anything. She has it in her head that things SHOULD come easily to her because they do to others.
I'm pulling my hair out here. If you can offer insight as to was to handle dd that will work, I'd love to hear it. Dd#1 NEEDS to learn that she has to work to succeed and that when people tell her this they are not telling her she's stupid or lazy. They're telling her what SHE needs to do to succeed. AND, that what someone else needs to do to succeed has NOTHING to do with her. She also needs to stop embarassing herself and the family publically. For example, she lettered in band about a week ago. On the way out of the awards ceremony, I asked if she knew where we can order a jacket (I promised her one if she lettered in something). She didn't answer. Instead, she started going on and on about how we're too poor to buy her the $500 class ring she wants and how it's not her fault she was born in a month with an expensive stone...this was a VERY LOUD one sided conversation as I refused to participate. What we can and cannot afford is not something to be put on public display. And this isn't the whole story. I told her that I'd pay half for the ring because she refuses to have the simulant stone (and she's whining about it having to be a silver ring as the ring is almonst $1000 in gold (picking another style is, of course, OUT OF THE QUESTION.). She refuses to pay half. She claims we're TOO POOR to send her to college so she has to save every penny she has for college.... We have told her over and over that college will get figured out. I fear she may not go at all because she refuses to have student loans and student loans will be part of the package, if for no other reason, that she needs to own part of the cost of her education. She also refuses to get a job BTW. Her MO is refuse to help herself, whine about the results and get mad at anyone who points out she didn't help herself and Lord help ANYONE who did better than her on less effort (like her sister). They get openly attacked.
The message one of her friends wrote in her year book is telling. Her friend wrote "RESPECT YOUR MOTHER". Dd likes to trash talk me in the school I work in. The more drama the better. She does not get that this all makes her look bad and it's part of the reason she can't keep friends. That's another issue she has with her sister. Dd#2 has lots of friends she's had for years. Dd#1 has acquaintances who disappear afer a few months because they don't like dealing with her. If friends stick around long enough, she starts abusing them like she does family (insulting them in public, discussing private things in public even name calling. Eventually, they will do something she sees as a slight to here and the friendships don't usually last much longer.)
If there is a way to talk to her that will make this better, I'd really like to know it. You can't compliment her on anything because she accuses you of lying. She rarely puts in effort and gets results that mirror her effort so it's hard to find things to compliment her on that are genuine. She plays head games with family and friends. When she has friends, she'll pit them against each other and make them choose (she tries this with family too.).
On second thought, I will put that post out here. I'll just ignore the crap that's sure to fall out. I cannot be the only parent dealing with a child like this.
We are having a very hard time getting her to accept that different people have different abilities and it has nothing to do with her. She seems to take ANYONE (especially her sister) doing better than her on what she percieves as less practice (often not the case) as a slight. She thinks she's been cheated. Every abiliyt, no matter how hard they've worked for it, that someone else has is seen as a slight to her. Having a sister who shines is, especially, problematic for her. If there is a way to talk to her, I'd love to know it. We're on 4 years of therapy here that has, at times included the entire family being in therapy. Most of the time it's just her but it's a slow process.
She, literally, ignores the work others put in then whines about how they got more than her. If I point out their work, she goes of the deep end and accuses me of either thinking she's lazy, doesn't work or is stupid. For example, she complained about her ACT scores and how she was below average for her school. I pointed out that the kids who did well went through the prep program the school offered and prepped on their own. When those things were offered to her, she got upset and said that we thought she was too stupid to take the test. So she took it with no prep work (according to studies, prepping puts 3-5 points on your score and that would have been the difference between her going to community college, and the college of her choice) and scored too low to get into the college of her choice. Now she goes around telling people we're too poor to send her there so she's going to CC when CC is the only place her score will get her in. She refuses to retake the test with prepping when many of her peers are retaking because they didn't like their scores. She, repeatedly, refuses to help herself then cries about the results.
Don't think I'm focused on her score because I'm not. This is just a great example of how she'll put in no effort then whine about the results and compare herself to others. If you point out they worked harder, she cries you think she's lazy, stupid, whatever (the drama around here is insane and she does not care what she says in front of others). I think CC, for her, is a great option. She has not yet learned that she is not her sister. She cannot succeed on minimal effort like her sister can yet, that's what she does. I'm often amazed that she keeps doing the same thing, keeps getting the same results and refuses to change anything. She has it in her head that things SHOULD come easily to her because they do to others.
I'm pulling my hair out here. If you can offer insight as to was to handle dd that will work, I'd love to hear it. Dd#1 NEEDS to learn that she has to work to succeed and that when people tell her this they are not telling her she's stupid or lazy. They're telling her what SHE needs to do to succeed. AND, that what someone else needs to do to succeed has NOTHING to do with her. She also needs to stop embarassing herself and the family publically. For example, she lettered in band about a week ago. On the way out of the awards ceremony, I asked if she knew where we can order a jacket (I promised her one if she lettered in something). She didn't answer. Instead, she started going on and on about how we're too poor to buy her the $500 class ring she wants and how it's not her fault she was born in a month with an expensive stone...this was a VERY LOUD one sided conversation as I refused to participate. What we can and cannot afford is not something to be put on public display. And this isn't the whole story. I told her that I'd pay half for the ring because she refuses to have the simulant stone (and she's whining about it having to be a silver ring as the ring is almonst $1000 in gold (picking another style is, of course, OUT OF THE QUESTION.). She refuses to pay half. She claims we're TOO POOR to send her to college so she has to save every penny she has for college.... We have told her over and over that college will get figured out. I fear she may not go at all because she refuses to have student loans and student loans will be part of the package, if for no other reason, that she needs to own part of the cost of her education. She also refuses to get a job BTW. Her MO is refuse to help herself, whine about the results and get mad at anyone who points out she didn't help herself and Lord help ANYONE who did better than her on less effort (like her sister). They get openly attacked.
The message one of her friends wrote in her year book is telling. Her friend wrote "RESPECT YOUR MOTHER". Dd likes to trash talk me in the school I work in. The more drama the better. She does not get that this all makes her look bad and it's part of the reason she can't keep friends. That's another issue she has with her sister. Dd#2 has lots of friends she's had for years. Dd#1 has acquaintances who disappear afer a few months because they don't like dealing with her. If friends stick around long enough, she starts abusing them like she does family (insulting them in public, discussing private things in public even name calling. Eventually, they will do something she sees as a slight to here and the friendships don't usually last much longer.)
If there is a way to talk to her that will make this better, I'd really like to know it. You can't compliment her on anything because she accuses you of lying. She rarely puts in effort and gets results that mirror her effort so it's hard to find things to compliment her on that are genuine. She plays head games with family and friends. When she has friends, she'll pit them against each other and make them choose (she tries this with family too.).
I think you need to stop being nice and giving her choices. Get a good college prep program for act and sit down with her and force her to review it. If she still won't they strip privileges away from her. The same thing goes with a job, simply find a places she can work and take her there and make her fill out applications. When she whines simply tell her you don't want to hear about it and walk away. Drama queens thrive on the attention they get, and when they don't get it they generally alter.
Your relationship with DD1 sounds very much mine with my mother. PLEASE STOP. Your daughter is acting out for a reason. I suspect that you speak to her in a very exasperated, frustrated, cold tone of voice. I believe you tout DD2's accomplishments to anyone who will listen and often within earshot of DD1. I also believe that you rarely, if ever, praise DD1 for what IS good about her.
While DD1 certainly needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions, I think damage is festering because of the dynamics in your household. I really hope you read Dorthy's link. This describes not only me but ODS as well. My mom is very similar to you in many ways Ivory. Trust me, it has LONG lasting and sometimes dire consequences on my esteem and decision making skills.
People like your DD, me and ODS need time, love and encouragement, not forcefulness, negativity and threats. These things don't work on people like us. Set the rules and expectations and stand by them. But leave out all the other stuff. If she knows what to expect and is guided there by love and encouragement, I believe she will flourish.
Ivory no doubt this is frustrating, exasperating etc. I'm sure it's not "all you". I do think however that getting help yourself to understand her and work through some issues would be beneficial. You seem to have a lot of anger. Not saying it isn't justified but it's not helping either. And it can't be healthy physically. I'm sure among the frustrations DD1 has some positive traits. Maybe if you can work through the anger and frustration you'll be able to find some. I truly wish you and your family the best.
In response to post #54, I have to wonder if dd1 had a personality disorder?
I appreciate your efforts in trying to protect her from another disappointment (ie, dd2 performing better than she does) and being 'cheated,' but it's clear that this young woman is extremely entitled. You and your dd2 can't walk on eggshells because dd1 won't put the effort into doing well on her own and instead chooses to get angry at others doing well.
I don't know how she got this way, and I don't want to have that argument. The point is that now that she is as old as she is, it may be time to step back and say, "If you want xyz, you're going to have to do what everyone else does to get xyz."
Frankly, I am of the 'suck it up' camp of life, friendship, parenting, what-have-you. There's time to act like a 3 year old and there's time to realize that your life is shaped by the choices you make. I would not entertain, patronize, or support in any way this attitude she seems to have. I also wouldn't worry about her feelings being hurt by other people's success.
Interesting...my parents say that my little brother, who was not a bad kid, but he tended to go his own way and kind of eschew traditional ideas of success, etc, may have decided to try harder and push himself more because he saw the success I had and what that brought into my life.
I don't know if that is true or not, but he is immensely successful now, and he really didn't start off on that track.
I think that over time, when someone sees what you have and they decide they want that, eventually they will come around to understanding what they have to do to get it. But it's usually something THEY have to come to understand. Not something you can force on them or make them understand.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We have told her over and over that college will get figured out. I fear she may not go at all because she refuses to have student loans and student loans will be part of the package, if for no other reason, that she needs to own part of the cost of her education. She also refuses to get a job BTW. Her MO is refuse to help herself, whine about the results and get mad at anyone who points out she didn't help herself and Lord help ANYONE who did better than her on less effort (like her sister). They get openly attacked.