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Re: bolded, yea, that's right, except his job has a start and end time and weekends and vacations and sick days - and mine doesn't! If you've never done it before, believe me when I say taking care of a very stubborn demanding toddler 24/7 is a difficult and stressful job that you never have a break from, you're responsible for another human being 24/7, every single second of the day. Any mom who's been there will tell you it is NOT easy; rewarding, wonderful, amazing, yes, but not easy. So yes, sometimes I do need that break when i can just be on my own and read a book or have a cup of coffee or finish a meal without someone tugging on my sleeve, or jumping up to pull DS off somewhere he's supposed to be, or running off to wipe his butt. Though in 99% of the time I'm not doing any of these things anyways, rather I ask DH to watch DS so I can do some the chores I can't do with him around, like cooking without worrying about him hanging around the hot stove, or cleaning where I don't want him to be breathing in chemicals. If you read my posts, I've said that DS will often not fall asleep until 10 pm or so, by that time I do tend to be wiped out. He does nap sometimes, other times he doesn't, when he does it's usually 1.5-2 hrs and I'll often do some cooking or tidying up, some of that time I do relax but it's not much.
Oh boo hoo. Its called being a mother.
My sister has a husband just like yours. Except she's not stay at home mom, she works FT while being the main caretaker of child, housecleaner, cook, planner, et. c. Her husband makes 3x more than she does, but she's the one that pays for everything (you see... he gets a pass because he's a tight miser who "doesn't like to part with his money"). It's amazing how you've given your husband a pass while coming up with excuses and allowing him to use "trump" cards. My husband tried trumping with me. I told him that if he ever tried that again with me, then he can expect catch hell. He knows he will be shot down for those kind of arguments.
My friend also had to deal with a self-absorbed husband and she was a SAHM as well. He was real mean to her as well. So to prove a point, she picked up her keys and said she was giving herself a day off all day on a weekend--- Which meant that her husband had to take care of the kid all day by himself. She told him it was his child and it was time he learned, so if he had complaints at the end of the day-- it was all on him, it was his own damn fault and suck it up. But she's tough-- most women aren't willing to do that because of their control issues.
Otherwise, time to consider not cleaning so dang much. If you're at your breaking point, pick your battles and deal with what you can. If sleeping an issue and you're cleaning for 2 hours before bedtime... then you know what must be sacrificed.
Not trying to be too harsh, but it sounds like you two are both really young parents, and I think some prioritizing needs to be in order. If your husband is staying up late playing computer games, and it's causing "insomnia", he needs to knock it off. I used to play video games a decent amount...now I probably play less than an hour per month. Having a kid is supposed to change your priorities.
You both need to go to bed at a reasonable hour and be prepared to get up at a reasonable hour. Like someone else said, you're not in college anymore so quit acting like it. Do make time for your own marriage though. The suggestion someone said for a weekly "date night" is a good one. It sounds like your husband makes a decent income, so hire a sitter.
Not to be mean or anything, but just because it's common for women to get dumped on when it comes to chlldcare/household duties doesn't mean we should be like "so what" if one of us is getting dumped on a tiny bit less IMO
This guy beyothces at her for being asked to watch his own child on her birthday or Mother's Day? Gets mad if she's SICK and asks him to let her rest a couple of extra hours? And once he does it she has to hear about it for months and be called lazy?
She gets up every day without fail at the same early time every single morning despite the fact she has insomnia and doesn't sleep well? While on 2 of those days he sleeps as late as he wants and sometimes expects her to take the child out so HE can rest? Even if she had little sleep herself? And she's supposed to be grateful she "has it better than most?"
I understand that we all have to suck it up at some point - that is part of adulthood and parenthood- but she has a very legit complaint here, at least to me. I agree she's a SAHM and she should do the bulk of the housework, but come on. Yes he should be able to rest when he gets home from work and yes he should get some me time on the weekends, but they BOTH need some time, not just him. He has a child too and he needs to step it up a little bit more than he has been.
There is no way you could pay a full time nanny and never give them a day off, or call grocery shopping "a break". It would be illegal. A one hour workout every once in a while would not be enough. And the nanny is not expected to provide sex and listen to your work problems and deal with your family! LOL. If you can't do it to the help, you shouldn't think its okay to do to your wife IMO.
That said, they sound like they have the money to hire a bit of extra help so they can BOTH get a break. And yes, perhaps go out every once in a while. And lord knows you don't need any more kids OP until you solve some of these communication issues because more kids will just make it worse. The resentment will just grow. Work all that out first!
I agree with a lot of the posts here - especially the ones that say you need to give the husband a break and that you are timing everything too much. However, I completely understand. I have the exact same husband, except he's nicer and doesn't call me names. I do everything you do, plus I work part-time and contribute enough money to cover some of our bills. I understand the need for a break. I don't know what I'd do without my mother. I'm afraid that moving away from your family was a bad idea. Any chance you can move back? That would be best.
Also, you need to get yourself a babysitter once a week for a few hours so you can get a break. I used to pay a teenager down the block a fairly small sum to just come and entertain my son so I could work around the house. And you certainly need to send your son to preschool at least next year, so that should help as well.
Your husband needs not to be on your schedule like that and know that as soon as he comes home it's just more work. Maybe some days you can ask him to do that, but not every day. It's making him feel stuck and overworked and like he never gets a break. I know you probably feel the same way, but the fact is that we are tougher than they are and better at the marathon parenting thing. At least I am tougher than my husband. I just try to suck it up as best I can and give him a break when I can. It's never enough for him, but I still try. Babysitters really help.
In any case, your son should go to school at least a little next year, and then full time the year after, so you don't really have that much time left with him. Just suck it up and be glad you have it.
I also want to second the idea about eliminating the nap and putting the child to bed earlier.
Also, consider marriage counseling. And for god's sake get a work visa.
You need to be paying attention to your husband and the marriage. He goes to bed and you stay up cleaning and cooking and taking a shower and sitting with your son until he goes to sleep? You shouldn't sit with a child until he falls asleep. You should go to bed with your husband and pay attention to him.
Sounds like you are putting too much effort into being your idea of a perfect mother and housewife and not enough into being a romantic partner to your husband. If you initiate the romance with him, I bet his gruffness and resentment will melt away.
Your son probably doesn't need that many activities and classes. Let him play and learn to entertain himself and be independent.
But most of all, when your husband goes to bed, you should go to bed. No showers at night or late night cleaning. (I'm a night owl too so I understand, but your schedule is more flexible than your husband's and he has to be at his best all day long at work. At least you can stay home and sit down if you need to and you are in charge of your own schedule most of the day.) Go to bed with your husband. Have sex.
I think you both are being unreasonable. There is no way that would ever happen in my household. To me your marriage is not very strong especially considering he slept in another room for a year! I have been both a SAHM and I have worked full time too (3 kids here) and it did not matter what my work status was, we always contributed equally when we were both at home. Maybe I am just very hard headed but I stand my ground, always have, and would NEVER put up with belittling or name calling. Ever. Not one time. I would have been gone.
Some points are getting confused here, lol, not that it changes the overall picture. We're not that young, I'm 29 and DH is 32. DS just turned three, and we do a part-time preschool that's parent-participation and all his classes so far have been 'mommy and me' as independent classes only start after 3, and even then you have to stay on premises - so these haven't really been giving me a break, I've had to participate along with him. We are planning to put him into part-time traditional preschool starting in fall, so I'm hoping it'll be easier at that point, though of course there may be other problems like illnesses etc. Otherwise I actually try to find stuff to do and get us out of the house because otherwise he gets bored and also makes a lot more of a mess for me to clean, lol.
Oh and DH is the one with insomnia, not me, and sleeping separate from us for the baby's first year had been his decision, not something he 'put up with', whoever wrote that. However he mainly complains of the insomnia if I ask him to get up on the weekend, and doesn't do anything to help it like go to sleep earlier or not play WoW before sleep...
Some points are getting confused here, lol, not that it changes the overall picture. We're not that young, I'm 29 and DH is 32. DS just turned three, and we do a part-time preschool that's parent-participation and all his classes so far have been 'mommy and me' as independent classes only start after 3, and even then you have to stay on premises - so these haven't really been giving me a break, I've had to participate along with him. We are planning to put him into part-time traditional preschool starting in fall, so I'm hoping it'll be easier at that point, though of course there may be other problems like illnesses etc. Otherwise I actually try to find stuff to do and get us out of the house because otherwise he gets bored and also makes a lot more of a mess for me to clean, lol.
Oh and DH is the one with insomnia, not me, and sleeping separate from us for the baby's first year had been his decision, not something he 'put up with', whoever wrote that. However he mainly complains of the insomnia if I ask him to get up on the weekend, and doesn't do anything to help it like go to sleep earlier or not play WoW before sleep...
I think your problem lies in what you said here:
"However, I look around at other families where moms are also SAH and how much their husbands do, and add up the time DH actually spends with DS one on one, and it’s really not that much."
You are comparing your husband to other husbands that you think are better. Would you really like him comparing you with other wives who he might think have a whole lot more ambition? If you really look around, you would see mothers that have it a whole lot tougher, some have husbands who left them and pay little support and they must do it all, work all day and then come home and do it all, no breaks at all. Not all mothers have free family babysitters who take the kids for whole weekends so both parents can relax and play. Many mothers could only dream of a whole hour and a half break every evening.
You can always look around and compare and find others who seem to have it better --- although you can't always know what goes on behind closed doors, appearances can be deceiving. You can always look around and find others who have it much worse, and if you did that, you might appreciate the husband you have who is willing to earn all the income and come home and play with his son every night. You don't seem to want for anything material - and for that you should be a little happy, no workplace pressures, no unreasonable bosses, customers, co-workers to face every day.
Maybe you need to let some things go -- what would happen if you didn't pick up all the toys every night or bought food that you only needed to warm up instead of stressing over cooking every day? If cleaning the house is making you angry and stressed, then don't clean it as much. Your child will grow up fast, soon he'll be in school all day and you will have plenty of long breaks but don't miss out on the fun of having a 3 year old, you have very little time to enjoy a 3 year old.
As your son has just turned three, now is the perfect time to help him become a little more self-reliant in entertaining himself. For example, sit with him while he makes towers (or whatever) with blocks, then when he becomes a little more competent, tell him to tell you when he's used up all the blocks. Then leave him to it (read a magazine or do a crossword in the same room but detached from him). You'll most likely find he'll start going longer and longer without your involvement (hence giving you little breaks through the day).
My daughter, at that age, used to love 'doing my hair'. I'd sit on the floor with my back against the couch, she'd sit on the couch and brush my hair, pretend to wash it, condition it and rinse it. It was totally delicious. Sometimes it only lasted five minutes, other times she'd be happy for half an hour and I could doze off without her even noticing!
While small children need socialising activities outside the home, they also need to learn how to entertain themselves for short periods of time. This will be especially helpful for you if you do have a second child.
Good luck!
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