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Evil--I was a stay at home mom to a son. You Have received great advice.
1-Your marriage comes first. That means date nights and SEX.
2-get a cleaning service at least biweekly. Stop making excuses. Unless you have shedding pets, no apartment needs to be vacuumed and dusted every day.
3-include your son in you chores. At two my son was helping me pick up by gathering his toys and putting them in baskets. We did this at a regular time (before time to cook dinner) during weekdays. At first it was a game done to picking up song. Take him to the grocery store with you.
4- next give your son a bath- he can eat dinner in his pajamas This is before D H gets home.
5-Cook dinner while your son is in a high chair watching a video. This isn't rocket science.
6- Let your husband unwind for at least 30 minutes before you try to engage him in a conversation, but be sure to give him a welcome home kiss.
7-clean the kitchen while your son watches another video.
(Your husband will probably be gaming by then)
8- turn most lights out-put on quiet soothing music. let your son play with a few toys while you sit on the sofa with a book. I know you will be able to do some reading.
9- put the kid to bed at 8:00pm. Leave him alone
10-Pour yourself a glass of wine to drink in your bubble bath while you soak and read a novel.
11- dress for bed. Bring your hubby a drink or snack and flake out on the sofa with your book. This should make it about 9:30. You should have at least an hour to yourself before bedtime with your husband.
Housework can be accomplished between 8 and 5 even with a boy toddler (especially in an apartment) - I know I did it. My husband had and still has a very stressful position, which at the time my son was a toddler included a lot of travel. At times he was gone for 4 days to a week. So I couldn't have relied on him anyway and I didn't have relatives in town either. What do you think military families and single parents go through??
Most gyms have daycare available. There are more mom's day out programs than there were 30 years ago so I'm sure you should be able to find one. Join a women's club. Paying a babysitter once every few weeks is not going to make your husband go berserk, especially if you two are having regular sex and he is coming home to a less stressful home.
Count your blessings-my son is 30. He, D I L, and granddaughter are in Scotland for another year and a half. I have lots of time to read.
Lots of good suggestions here. You sound obsessed with the child --you don't take him grocery shopping because it's "germy." ??? You sit by his bed until he falls asleep???????? You exhaust yourself cleaning an apartment and taking care of a kid? You're not trading time with other moms and having fun that way? Focus more on the husband, less on the kid. When the husband gets some more attention from you, he'll probably be in a better mood to help out. Don't expect too much but if you stop this hyper focus on the kid and start to focus on the husband, it will probably get better. Oh--and don't just talk about him taking the kid while you get ready for bed.......you can do better than that. (Get dramatic...you know, you are sooooo hot for him, take the kid for a few minutes so you can change into something really sexy......just DO it. He'll love it even if you have to put on a act at first.)
Personally I'd be handing him the baby as he walks in the door and you walk out, then get home at 10pm. Do that every night for a couple of weeks and then revisit.
Also, buy yourself and ipad or ipod, download podcasts and listen to them while he falls asleep. Makes it much easier to deal with. Radiolab is great, also the american life.
LOL, I'm not sure my three year old would quite appreciate that routine, but thanks for the advice
In seriousness tho, re: bedtime: we've tried on numerous occasions to get DS to fall asleep on his own, but he wants me there. This is not a kid who can cry it out - he can cry for hours and not tire himself out, he just gets more and more wound up to the point of hysterics and puking and then of course he won't sleep, and if he does fall asleep he's all jumpy and wakes up at night crying again. He's a VERY high-strung, intense, emotional kid (takes after DH's side of the family, they all have anxiety, stress, insomnia issues), and seriously I don't believe it is good for his psyche to be screaming till he pukes every night before bed. I figure he's not gonna want me to still sit with him when he's in high school, lol, so for all intents and purposes for now it is much easier to sit with him for 30-40 mins while he calmly falls asleep then to have him scream half the night (if he acts up, plays, jumps around, I'll leave and not come back until he's ready to lie down, but 95% of the time he falls asleep quietly with me there). BTW, for those who think I'm abandoning DH in favor of my son - he tends to be the one to tell me 'just do this or that' rather than let him cry, lets him get away with more and says I'm too hard on him sometimes. And he's happy to have the time that I sit with DS to play his games in peace.
I bet he is
Do you plan to sit in your son's room until he falls asleep when he's 5? 10? 15 years old? The sooner you break this habit the better. Super Nanny has a good method that has been shared in this forum several times.
I was a sahm for.......too long. Drove me crazy, the lonliness, boredom. It may have been discussed but I just didn't have that much to do with two children to occupy a whole day. I'm baffled at a 3 year old requiring so much Children work on your time. You adjust your schedule to meet their needs while also attending to your own and that of your husband. I get wanting and needing "me" time. But if your husband is sexually frustrated(that alone will be the cause of major strife), and having to hear you go on complaining about taking care of a child, not good.
Love on that man! Romance him! No nagging! You've discussed it over and over, chill!!!!!!! re-adujust your schedule. Make the time. Each one of us has 24 hrs in a day, it's up to you to decide how you utilize it. I'm sure there is much that he can do to cooperate, he's not the one posting.Watch what happens when he's able to release more of hs built up frustrations with a good meal, understanding wife and some good lovin....yes, it's sacrificial but that's the definition of love! I've BTDT, you're going about it all wrong dear. There are ways to get what you want....work it out
Soooo....what I'm getting from a lot of these posts is that a child's father is under absolutely NO obligation to help out or spend any time with him unless he feels like it (which, if I don't ask, is pretty much never)??
There are a lot of suggestions re: babysitters and playdates, and I get that - although for whatever reason none of the moms I know really do the 'trading babysitting' thing, we do meet up for playdates but we're both there, no one really wants the burden of looking after two kids, especially when they're still kind of young, get into everything, and struggle with separation anxiety etc. But in any case, I get the looking for outside help, but I also find it kind of ridiculous that I need to outsource the kid whenever I want to get out on my own because the father doesn't feel like spending any time one-on-one with him?? I mean, really, is it that normal and accepted of a situation?? If so, it makes me kind of sad...I'm supposed to never ask DH for a thing, AND then I have to also be the one jumping around him with lingerie and wine to entice him? I mean, really, that all seems kind of wrong to me...
I guess maybe some of it comes down to different families and expectations...My dad always worked and my mom stayed home since having my sister, but there was never an issue of her even having to ask him to spend time with us. He'd get home, change/wash up, and then send my mom off and play with us because it was normal and he wanted to, and he'd get up some weekends and take us somewhere and even tell us to be quiet and let mom rest a bit. And she did the same for him other days. I always thought it was normal, and our family was always very close-knit, my parents are still together and we have a fantastic relationship. DS had a very different upbringing, his mom both worked AND killed herself doing everything at home, always making sure everything was perfect, jumping around him and FIL. His dad tried to be an involved parent but MIL and her mothers/sisters pretty much pushed him out of the way and fussed and spoiled DH, and he eventually left them for another woman. As a result he's got pretty much no relationship with his dad, and never really had a strong father figure and role model of what a father should be, he was brought up by women doing everything themselves, and got used to it, even though he says he wants to be a better father for DS, he doesn't want to do the work when it comes down to it. We knew all this going in, but I was always sure we can compromise, and communicate, and work things out...however I'm starting to realize that that favorite buzzword 'communication' only goes so far...you can communicate and talk things out till you're blue in the face, but unless you actually act on it and work to resolve internal issues, it's just a bunch of hot air...sorry for rambling, just my thoughts out loud...
Soooo....what I'm getting from a lot of these posts is that a child's father is under absolutely NO obligation to help out or spend any time with him unless he feels like it (which, if I don't ask, is pretty much never)??
There are a lot of suggestions re: babysitters and playdates, and I get that - although for whatever reason none of the moms I know really do the 'trading babysitting' thing, we do meet up for playdates but we're both there, no one really wants the burden of looking after two kids, especially when they're still kind of young, get into everything, and struggle with separation anxiety etc. But in any case, I get the looking for outside help, but I also find it kind of ridiculous that I need to outsource the kid whenever I want to get out on my own because the father doesn't feel like spending any time one-on-one with him?? I mean, really, is it that normal and accepted of a situation?? If so, it makes me kind of sad...I'm supposed to never ask DH for a thing, AND then I have to also be the one jumping around him with lingerie and wine to entice him? I mean, really, that all seems kind of wrong to me...
I guess maybe some of it comes down to different families and expectations...My dad always worked and my mom stayed home since having my sister, but there was never an issue of her even having to ask him to spend time with us. He'd get home, change/wash up, and then send my mom off and play with us because it was normal and he wanted to, and he'd get up some weekends and take us somewhere and even tell us to be quiet and let mom rest a bit. And she did the same for him other days. I always thought it was normal, and our family was always very close-knit, my parents are still together and we have a fantastic relationship. DS had a very different upbringing, his mom both worked AND killed herself doing everything at home, always making sure everything was perfect, jumping around him and FIL. His dad tried to be an involved parent but MIL and her mothers/sisters pretty much pushed him out of the way and fussed and spoiled DH, and he eventually left them for another woman. As a result he's got pretty much no relationship with his dad, and never really had a strong father figure and role model of what a father should be, he was brought up by women doing everything themselves, and got used to it, even though he says he wants to be a better father for DS, he doesn't want to do the work when it comes down to it. We knew all this going in, but I was always sure we can compromise, and communicate, and work things out...however I'm starting to realize that that favorite buzzword 'communication' only goes so far...you can communicate and talk things out till you're blue in the face, but unless you actually act on it and work to resolve internal issues, it's just a bunch of hot air...sorry for rambling, just my thoughts out loud...
If that is what you are getting, you are not paying attention.
Very few posters have said he shouldn't be doing more than he is. But frankly it's difficult to know what the honest situation is, when you obviously exaggerate the situation....You have one small child and live in an apartment. He presumably naps. You count his sleeping hours as your "on duty" time, while not counting your husbands job as his "on duty" time. You even blame your husbands family for your son's temperment (if he's high maintenance, might SOME of it be a result of mom catering and working her whole schedule around his every whim?). Your relationship is in trouble and you are looking to blame instead of to solve. Solving sometimes mean someone has to be the first to take a step in that direction. Yes, it sounds as if he spends too much time online playing for a 32 yr old father. But honestly, I might too if all I heard was whining about how much I didn't do. Work on your marriage and stop keeping score.
Do you plan to sit in your son's room until he falls asleep when he's 5? 10? 15 years old? The sooner you break this habit the better. Super Nanny has a good method that has been shared in this forum several times.
I'm guessing if he still WANTS me to sit with him when he's 15, there'd be a much bigger problem there than bedtime routines
4-5 is a reasonable expectation, once he's old enough to be in better control of his emotions and understands more, and less prone to crying himself till he throws up...all children are different, and many child rearing experts suggest that if a child this age needs that extra security of a parent sitting with them at bedtime, there's nothing wrong with providing it. As I've said, he's always been somewhat of a bad sleeper, and if he's falling asleep without a fuss in 30 minutes it's preferable to me over dealing with hours of screaming/negotiating/etc, and it's much easier on everyone involved. He'll grow out of wanting me there just as I followed his lead on weaning, giving up paci, potty training, etc., all of which happened when he was ready without stressing everyone out.
Without exception, parents I knew who had issues with children going to sleep, or staying asleep, all complained that it impacted their intimacy with their partner.
Soooo....what I'm getting from a lot of these posts is that a child's father is under absolutely NO obligation to help out or spend any time with him unless he feels like it (which, if I don't ask, is pretty much never)??
There are a lot of suggestions re: babysitters and playdates, and I get that - although for whatever reason none of the moms I know really do the 'trading babysitting' thing, we do meet up for playdates but we're both there, no one really wants the burden of looking after two kids, especially when they're still kind of young, get into everything, and struggle with separation anxiety etc. But in any case, I get the looking for outside help, but I also find it kind of ridiculous that I need to outsource the kid whenever I want to get out on my own because the father doesn't feel like spending any time one-on-one with him?? I mean, really, is it that normal and accepted of a situation?? If so, it makes me kind of sad...I'm supposed to never ask DH for a thing, AND then I have to also be the one jumping around him with lingerie and wine to entice him? I mean, really, that all seems kind of wrong to me...
I guess maybe some of it comes down to different families and expectations...My dad always worked and my mom stayed home since having my sister, but there was never an issue of her even having to ask him to spend time with us. He'd get home, change/wash up, and then send my mom off and play with us because it was normal and he wanted to, and he'd get up some weekends and take us somewhere and even tell us to be quiet and let mom rest a bit. And she did the same for him other days. I always thought it was normal, and our family was always very close-knit, my parents are still together and we have a fantastic relationship. DS had a very different upbringing, his mom both worked AND killed herself doing everything at home, always making sure everything was perfect, jumping around him and FIL. His dad tried to be an involved parent but MIL and her mothers/sisters pretty much pushed him out of the way and fussed and spoiled DH, and he eventually left them for another woman. As a result he's got pretty much no relationship with his dad, and never really had a strong father figure and role model of what a father should be, he was brought up by women doing everything themselves, and got used to it, even though he says he wants to be a better father for DS, he doesn't want to do the work when it comes down to it. We knew all this going in, but I was always sure we can compromise, and communicate, and work things out...however I'm starting to realize that that favorite buzzword 'communication' only goes so far...you can communicate and talk things out till you're blue in the face, but unless you actually act on it and work to resolve internal issues, it's just a bunch of hot air...sorry for rambling, just my thoughts out loud...
Evilcookie, is what you're doing working for you?
You can be "right" or you can have peace. I believe the longer we're on this earth we come to discover peace as being invaluable.
Comparing your marriage and life situation to anyone else's, major faux pas!
"Communication" can become complaining and it gets played after a while. Take some time(however long or short) to get over what you feel, and consider his needs. If you won't do that, you make yourself the biggest issue in your marriage because you want him to change but know inside that you're unwilling to change!
I guess maybe some of it comes down to different families and expectations...My dad always worked and my mom stayed home since having my sister, but there was never an issue of her even having to ask him to spend time with us. He'd get home, change/wash up, and then send my mom off and play with us because it was normal and he wanted to, and he'd get up some weekends and take us somewhere and even tell us to be quiet and let mom rest a bit. And she did the same for him other days. I always thought it was normal, and our family was always very close-knit, my parents are still together and we have a fantastic relationship. DS had a very different upbringing, his mom both worked AND killed herself doing everything at home, always making sure everything was perfect, jumping around him and FIL. His dad tried to be an involved parent but MIL and her mothers/sisters pretty much pushed him out of the way and fussed and spoiled DH, and he eventually left them for another woman. As a result he's got pretty much no relationship with his dad, and never really had a strong father figure and role model of what a father should be, he was brought up by women doing everything themselves, and got used to it, even though he says he wants to be a better father for DS, he doesn't want to do the work when it comes down to it. We knew all this going in, but I was always sure we can compromise, and communicate, and work things out...however I'm starting to realize that that favorite buzzword 'communication' only goes so far...you can communicate and talk things out till you're blue in the face, but unless you actually act on it and work to resolve internal issues, it's just a bunch of hot air...sorry for rambling, just my thoughts out loud...
So in other words, EC, you and your husband recreated the kind of family life that husband had when he was growing up.
Communications definitely is helpful, but habits die hard. You haven't mentioned any actions that were taken after your husband refused to follow on his end; other than you acquiescing your husband which now produced the very situation you're in. You're obviously not happy. Have you decided what's your next course of action?
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Children work on your time. You adjust your schedule to meet their needs while also attending to your own and that of your husband. I get wanting and needing "me" time. But if your husband is sexually frustrated(that alone will be the cause of major strife), and having to hear you go on complaining about taking care of a child, not good. 
