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Your spouse sounds very traditional. This was my ex...and I did expect more. But, you may never find the perfect man/Father/Lover/Spouse. This is what you have. Do not compare him to some mythical fantasy, or what you think other men do or act...because you really don't know.
So, appreciate that you have a spouse who pays the bills. Think of things you can do to improve your marriage, because if you give a little...and sex is huge...he may also give more too. Marriage is not easy. But, the alternative, is being a single Mother...and you don't want that. He may never change. You can only control yourself and your reactions. It does not matter what you expect or what others think...or how other men act...
Don't expect anything. That way you are pleasantly surprised when he offers help. Your husband is not a mind reader. You need to communicate to him what you would like. But, when you are a SAHM, your wrold view is quite small, and somewhat myopic...focused on your little world. His world may be dealing with problems at work and other stressors...that you don't have...in addition, he has a wife who expects him to do stuff. He may be just worn out at home.
Focus on the good in your life. Rather than seeing it half empty.
I don't think it sounds like you don't enjoy being a stay at home Mom. It sounds like you want your husband to WANT to be around his own child. I would be disappointed beyond words if I had to deal with what you are dealing with in terms of his attitude. And I think it's important for each parent to be alone with their children more than for just giving the other parent a break. It strengthens the parent child relationship and puts both adults on equal ground with them.
The thing is, I know he does want to be a good father, and he does obviously love DS and is a great father when he tries, especially as DS has gotten older. He does enjoy playing with him when he does...it's just he doesn't do it nearly often enough or for long enough on his own accord...he wants to do all these things with him in theory, but in practice when it requires shutting off the game and getting up and actually moving around, he often gets lazy and procrastinates and makes excuses for why he can't do it. I get it, I do, because I'll be lying if I don't feel way too lazy for the playground myself more often than not...but I know DS needs to run around, so I drag ourselves out anyways, because I understand that having a child means you don't get to do only what you want all the time. And because DH already has so much less time to spend with him than I do, when he then makes one excuse after another and I let him get away with it, it means he barely does anything with him at all, and I do everything - which is bad for DS too because he needs the male roughousing and interaction, more than 15 minutes a week...He doesn't seem to understand that the great father-son relationship he wants isn't gonna happen magically, without any effort on his behalf.
Man there's some really judgmental people on this thread. From telling you what time you should be going to sleep and getting up to telling you what you should be doing with your husband. I'm sure you have faults but it does seem like your hubbie needs to be a little less selfish. Btw, you're a champ for dealing with these rude people's opinions so well.
You said you go to the gym 2 nights/week and go to the grocery store 1/week alone. That's probably more "me time" than I got those first few years.
Honestly, I loathe the gym, the only reason I go is for health reasons and to stay in shape, not least for DH's sake, because he likes it and which is also why he doesn't complain about letting me go. If I could stay in good shape without working out, I'd so much rather use that time for something else...
One thing that can be difficult for new moms. They want and expect Dad to feel the exact same way about kids as mom does. - We don't. We are differnt. Sure we love them, but it is different. We are wired differently.
If you do 90% of the owrk, does that mean you also mow, do all the car and household repairs, plan vacations, arrange for repairmen and other services etc? One other thng, do not under value him handling the finances. When we were young and had tons of bills, it could take 10 or more hours a week. Eventually my wife had to learn how to do it because I could not keep up. Remember during the 12 hours he is away for work, you have at least three hours a day where you can do other things (that is acutally low. Baby sleeps and plays quietly by himself more hours than that, even two babies do). He has 0 during that time. The means you have at least 21 hours a week more time that you could be doing finances, or other items. You can sneak in a nap, he cannot. You can function even if you had hardly any sleep, depending on the nature of his work, he may not be able to.
It honestly sounds like there may well be a two way street of insufficient appreciation going on. even if there is not, recognizing his accomplishments and efforts is going to get you much much further than grousing at him. Whether or not your complaints are justified is irrelevant, the more you snap and complain the more you push him away and the less he will do.
Probably the thing I most appreciate about my wife is she never snaps or snarls at me (well almost never). As a result, I woudl do almost nything to make her happy.
Man there's some really judgmental people on this thread. From telling you what time you should be going to sleep and getting up to telling you what you should be doing with your husband. I'm sure you have faults but it does seem like your hubbie needs to be a little less selfish. Btw, you're a champ for dealing with these rude people's opinions so well.
LOL, I've learned to filter opinions on internet forums...I found that whenever anyone complains about anything, there are always people who swoop in saying how they should suck it up because their own lives are so much harder...well I'm sure they may be, but it doesn't mean it's normal, and it doesn't mean someone else's problems are not valid because of it. I mean, if I got on and say, I get really bad headaches, what can I do to relieve them, are people going to tell me, oh come on just suck it up and don't whine, I've had cancer and I'm not complaining? I mean yea, it'd be kind of a valid response, but is it really what I came to hear? Just because it can always get worse, doesn't mean it's something to aspire to, or that anything slightly better is not worth complaining about...
The thing is, I know he does want to be a good father, and he does obviously love DS and is a great father when he tries, especially as DS has gotten older. He does enjoy playing with him when he does...it's just he doesn't do it nearly often enough or for long enough on his own accord...he wants to do all these things with him in theory, but in practice when it requires shutting off the game and getting up and actually moving around, he often gets lazy and procrastinates and makes excuses for why he can't do it. I get it, I do, because I'll be lying if I don't feel way too lazy for the playground myself more often than not...but I know DS needs to run around, so I drag ourselves out anyways, because I understand that having a child means you don't get to do only what you want all the time. And because DH already has so much less time to spend with him than I do, when he then makes one excuse after another and I let him get away with it, it means he barely does anything with him at all, and I do everything - which is bad for DS too because he needs the male roughousing and interaction, more than 15 minutes a week...He doesn't seem to understand that the great father-son relationship he wants isn't gonna happen magically, without any effort on his behalf.
Since your trying to control the situation isn't working....and trust! it never, EVER will!!!! let your husband come to terms with his relationship with his son! he's a first time dad! he's never been through this before. Can he be human enough to grow into this role without managing on the part of his wife?
Some things do need to be discussed and agreed upon, in this, no person in a relationship gets a pass but if discussions and controlling leads to strife, no one is doing the relationship or the child any favors. My last post here! because I know from experience, that experience is the better teacher!
It is time to stop letting your DH walk all over you! YOU WORK TOO, much harder than he does. Have him spend a week alone with your son doing everything, and maybe he will realize what you do.
I think it is very important for you to have YOUR time. Take a girls weekend, leave your son with your hubby to go and unwind, relax. Let him have a boys weekend, so he can relax, unwind. You also need COUPLE time, take a weekend away and leave your son with the grandparents. Even if it means flying to visit them and take a couple of days to yourselves. Have date nights to enjoy each other.
Also you need to find support!! Try and find other moms in your area that you can hang with, can help you with your son.
Lastly, tell your husband to pick Saturday or Sunday to sleep in, and you get the other day, period.
Man there's some really judgmental people on this thread. From telling you what time you should be going to sleep and getting up to telling you what you should be doing with your husband. I'm sure you have faults but it does seem like your hubbie needs to be a little less selfish. Btw, you're a champ for dealing with these rude people's opinions so well.
She asked.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie
Honestly, I loathe the gym, the only reason I go is for health reasons and to stay in shape, not least for DH's sake, because he likes it and which is also why he doesn't complain about letting me go. If I could stay in good shape without working out, I'd so much rather use that time for something else...
Then do it! I think your husband can be a jerk about things, but you are allowing him to treat you this way. People have offered all kinds of advice and you have rejected almost 100% of it. What did you come here hoping to hear? You both need to give a little. You don't seem willing to change anything, so nothing is going to change.
Goodness. There are an awful lot of people who seem to be giving your DH quite a pass on being a real husband and father and then blaming you for being an awful wife and mother.
I'm not a SAHM. But my DH and I share parenting duties. It's always been that way. There was obviously times I did a lot more mothering mostly when I was nursing simply because he can't. But when I was nursing and getting babies to sleep, he was washing dishes, folding clothes, packing lunches. Now our girls are one and three, and we switch every night who puts who to who to bed, so we are both on duty every night. Then it's chores together before we have a little bit of time to relax together. (By the way, those giving you flack for separate sleeping arragements- we do the same. There's no reason for him to wake up every few hours. I handle nighttime parenting mostly because I nursed but also because I'm better at getting up at night. Separate sleeping arrangements helps everyone get the maximum sleep at night, and that keeps our relationship healthy.)
If I had to bug my husband to actually spend time with his children, I would be angry too. And yes, I would bug him if he didn't because my children deserve a relationship with him. Thankfully, he loves being with them. Have you talked to your DH and suggested specific activities they might enjoy together? My DH took our three year old to lunch and Disney on Ice this weekend. He takes our one year old to the park. He loves taking then both on walks to Jamba Juice. Encourage DH to find something he enjoys doing and include DS.
There's not much alone time in our house. Quite frankly, with two, that just doesn't happen. We don't sleep in anymore (we used to alternate weekend days- he slept in one morning, I slept in the other). We spend the majority if our time all together or else one parent with each girl. It's hard not to have time for myself, but they are so young now that I try to remember it will be over soon and I'll wish it back. However, I'm a working mom, and frankly, work is my break from being a mom, unfair as that seems. But it's true. When I'm home, I'm a mom and there's just not anymore time left to spend lots of time alone every week. This is why. Just don't buy the "he works so he needs time to relax." My DH and I both work and we both parent and there's not much time for alone time after all that. Since you are always home, I think you are the one entitled to a break, actually. If he won't support that, then take naptime for yourself.
I love and respect my DH. But I expect and deserve his love and respect in return. It's not up to one person to make all the sacrifices and allowances. Marriage is a partnership. I would suggest really sitting down and talking to your DH frankly and in a non-confrontational way. Te him what's bothering you, and give him time to tell you what bothers him, too, and work together to fix those issues. Both of you.
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I mean yea, it'd be kind of a valid response, but is it really what I came to hear? Just because it can always get worse, doesn't mean it's something to aspire to, or that anything slightly better is not worth complaining about...
