Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
EC, I wouldn't ask. I would say "Hey honey, I need to run some errands this weekend, would you rather I do it in the morning or afternoon?". Limit his chances to moan, and don't let it evolve into a discussion.
you shouldn't need to ask for permission, so don't.
Please don't take this the wrong way because it is well-intentioned, but it sounds like you really don't enjoy being a SAHM. There really is very little to no "me" time when you have small children. Maybe a part-time or even full-time job interacting with other adults will help you. You can put the little one in day care, which costs a set amount for a set number of hours. If you don't work the entire number of hours, you will be assured that your son is safe while you go to the gym or have your hair done or read a book.
You may still have the housework to do, or perhaps you will have enough income to hire some help. Your husband probably won't help more, or he may surprise you. Either way, you may find that even being with adults part time will do wonders for your sanity.
It might be hard to believe after reading my posts, but I DO love being a sahm, actually, honestly I do and I wouldn't trade it for the world. As I've mentioned in my first post, we're waiting on our greencard and I'm on a dependent visa atm, so I can't work, but that's not the point. It's just that I don't understand why, in a household with two parents, this "There really is very little to no "me" time when you have small children" has to be the case...when you have weekends, two full days, where you could split it up so you have some family activities, and a few hours of downtime for each of the parents while the other takes over. Parenting is a job too, probably the hardest one, and every job needs to include some breaks, to preserve your sanity. Instead, weekends become worse than weekdays, because I just have another person to cater to and clean up after and hear complaints...
You need to take your breaks in pieces during the days. It gets easier as the kid(s) get older.
Why can't jr. play in a laypen in the den or wheever the computer games are while you run off to shop or visit a fried or whatever?
Now that i thin of it, most of the things my wife liked to do with her "me" time invovled the kids. Her friends all had kids so her social things were almost always kid things. I really cannot rememebr much she wanted to do that woudl nto involve kids except maybe a hair thing or manicure, or a nap.
Sometimes you just end up with your life centered around your kids for a while. We once realized we had not seen a mive that did not include talking animals in over three years. (that is cheating a little becasue we did see Polly which is a talkign animal, but not a kids movie).
EvilCookie, I have to praise you for keeping your cool and not getting upset with other posters who write things that can be a bit hurtful. You've gotten great advice though and you are an excellent writer yourself. You seem to be a great communicator. I wish I knew you in real life! I know exactly how you feel! I really do. There will always be situations worse than yours and situations better than yours. I don't love the advice that basically tells you to suck it up and stop acting spoiled or whatever. As I wrote in an earlier post, your feelings are not right or wrong. You have a right to feel them. It does sound like you and your husband are going around in circles with neither getting what they really need from each other. You are an excellent mom. You meet all your sons needs and love him. You have needs that need to be met to. Try and spend time alone with your husband. Hire a babysitter for an evening or an afternoon. You have to do this! I can't believe how much I like my husband when I spend time alone with him! I always think to myself, where have you been? I still love my husband! Seriously, you need time alone with him. You will remember why you love each other. You have been together a long time. There's a reason for that.
I also must admit, once I start paying more attention to my husband, with preparing a meal or time in the bedroom, he acts better. He feels appreciated. I know it's hard to do this when you're frustrated with him but maybe this will help you break the cycle. It's amazing how if you pretend to like something you may actually start liking it. Maybe tell your husband you appreciate him, even if you don't! Just to help break the cycle you're in. I don't think you're at all unreasonable. But a change does need to be made. Try smiling at him more than usual or rubbing his neck or back. Human touch is amazing. This is not a way for you to give in or act like your needs don't matter. It's just a way to break the cycle.
I don't think it sounds like you don't enjoy being a stay at home Mom. It sounds like you want your husband to WANT to be around his own child. I would be disappointed beyond words if I had to deal with what you are dealing with in terms of his attitude. And I think it's important for each parent to be alone with their children more than for just giving the other parent a break. It strengthens the parent child relationship and puts both adults on equal ground with them.
I am sure that many single mothers reading this thread are fuming by now. How would the OP like to handle everything herself, every day with absolutely no help or support whatsoever? I'm sorry, but the OP sounds selfish and immature. She's complaining because she doesn't have time to stretch out on the bed and read, uninterrupted! Welcome to motherhood. She should be thankful she has a husband to provide for her and the child, and is willing to take over what he is currently doing.
I am a single mom. I do everything by myself because I HAVE to. However, if I had a husband, I would expect him to pull his weight. I don't feel like the OP is being spoiled or whiny at all. I do think she may be mismanaging her time and wearing herself out unnecessarily. But I think it's reasonable to ask that your husband do more than pay bills and play video games.
Honestly, I'm not exaggerating - this is why I've tried to be precise in describing our schedules, there's no point for me to be lying as I really did want to hear objective opinions. Really, how do I explain it, it's not even so much about me needing more time; it's more about DH's attitude about it: the assumption that ANY time he spends with DS is this huge favor to me, and then even if he agrees to it it's the attitude and the eye rolling and bitching and whining. THAT'S probably the biggest issue here. I'd be happy to sit down with him and figure out how much alone time he's willing to give me - even if it's one morning a month or something, or a trip to the mall every few weeks, I'd be happy enough at least knowing that's there and that's when I get my break. And I'd be ecstatic if at least sometimes he'd say, I'm gonna take DS for a bike ride, spend some boy time, you go do something nice for yourself. If I at least heard that EVER, I'd be grateful, because not only it gives me a break, but I think it's good for both of them to spend time one-on-one without always leaning on me. But it NEVER happens.
I don't nag him or whine about how much he doesn't do - unless he starts it up first. I always start off with asking him nicely, always thank him and praise him whenever he does help, tell him how important it's to their relationship.
But still, here's how it often goes:
Me: Honey, would you please stay with DS for a few hours this sunday, I wanna run off to the mall to get a few things
DH: *sigh, grimace, eyeroll*
Me: oh come on, please, DS won't let me try anything on and I really just want the couple of hours to myself, I haven't been out on my own in like three months
DH: *sigh, annoyed tone*, yea yea, I guess
Me: come on, I won't be too long, you guys could go out on the bike, spend some boy time...
DH *more annoyed tone* yea fine, I said yes, okay?
Me: okay, thank you, I appreciate it, I really need the break!
DH: *grumpy* yea yea, you get plenty of breaks, your life's one big break...
Me: *getting annoyed now* oh yea, well when was the last time I actually went off to do something for myself?
DH: you're always going somewhere, you went to the store two nights ago, then to get your haircut that time (three weeks ago)...
Me: well getting milk doesn't really count as me time, and yes I need a haircut every three months or so...
DH: yea yea, whatever, I said I'll do it, okay? *waving me away*
Then when the day actually comes, he'll be grumpy, he'll ask when I'll be home, if I say more than two hours or so it's more grimacing so I usually don't, and god forbid I'm five minutes late, I need to call and warn him and apologize, otherwise it's 'why did you take you so long, he did this and that and I didn't know where his snack was and blah blah". I mean, REALLY takes the fun out of it, you know? So it's either never getting out on my own or listening to all this.
Sigh, I guess what I really miss about having my family around is not just the AMOUNT of help, it's the fact of unconditional help. That's what I'm really missing, is that I feel I can't leave our child with his own father without him acting as a babysitter, and a not very nice one at that. If I left DS with my mom I knew that I could go and no one was watching the clock on me and building up resentment and treating it like this huge frigging favor...and when I leave him with his own FATHER I'm always feeling like I need to rush, I need to listen to him complain and all that...it's like, if you already agree to it, at least don't make me feel like sh*t about it, you know? Or tell me, I don't want to spend any time with my own son, go hire a babysitter. Instead he does this martyr thing where he does SOOO much and all I want is more - but the LESS I ask, the less he does, so I can't win!!
Ok, that's definitely a problem. I would just say:
I have plans this Sunday to go to the mall with ___ at 2, just want to give you a heads up that you'll be on your own with DS in case you want to make special plans.
Oh, that's an issue, I can change it to Saturday if that works better for you.
Maybe....(like you said about the vicious cycle) he's resentful of you complaining about being resentful about him......... It is difficult to change the cycle, but maybe if your attitude changes, and he doesn't feel like your complaining about your role, he will change? I totally agree that having you handle everything and have him not spend time with his son, but then cater to him and have wine and a snack ready for him before parading in front of him in lingerie every evening ...... is totally crazy.
In my opinion, and life, I am grateful for my husband's hard work that allows me to stay home for my children. He knows that, and I often mention mention little things that make me grateful, such as when my child's school calls me when she is sick, and I can be there in 5 minutes. Or when my son forgets his homework (again), and I am able to run it up to the school for him. But on the other hand, if I'm rushing around and don't get to dinner, or am not feeling up to it, and haven't been to the grocery store, he certainly doesn't think twice about stopping by the market, or cooking dinner or ordering in. If he want to go out with friends, its never a problem, nor is it if I ever want to. Neither of us goes out too often, so we are both happy to oblige when there's an opportunity. That's the only thing I can think of to advice you... maybe he's not feeling appreciated, so its causing him not to appreciate you?
I can't relate to not wanting to spend time with the kid, thought, but I do seem to recall my husband playing video games when we only had one kid. We have four, so there isn't a moment when one of us doesn't have at least one of them with us now.
Soooo....what I'm getting from a lot of these posts is that a child's father is under absolutely NO obligation to help out or spend any time with him unless he feels like it (which, if I don't ask, is pretty much never)??
There are a lot of suggestions re: babysitters and playdates, and I get that - although for whatever reason none of the moms I know really do the 'trading babysitting' thing, we do meet up for playdates but we're both there, no one really wants the burden of looking after two kids, especially when they're still kind of young, get into everything, and struggle with separation anxiety etc. But in any case, I get the looking for outside help, but I also find it kind of ridiculous that I need to outsource the kid whenever I want to get out on my own because the father doesn't feel like spending any time one-on-one with him?? I mean, really, is it that normal and accepted of a situation?? If so, it makes me kind of sad...I'm supposed to never ask DH for a thing, AND then I have to also be the one jumping around him with lingerie and wine to entice him? I mean, really, that all seems kind of wrong to me...
I guess maybe some of it comes down to different families and expectations...My dad always worked and my mom stayed home since having my sister, but there was never an issue of her even having to ask him to spend time with us. He'd get home, change/wash up, and then send my mom off and play with us because it was normal and he wanted to, and he'd get up some weekends and take us somewhere and even tell us to be quiet and let mom rest a bit. And she did the same for him other days. I always thought it was normal, and our family was always very close-knit, my parents are still together and we have a fantastic relationship. DS had a very different upbringing, his mom both worked AND killed herself doing everything at home, always making sure everything was perfect, jumping around him and FIL. His dad tried to be an involved parent but MIL and her mothers/sisters pretty much pushed him out of the way and fussed and spoiled DH, and he eventually left them for another woman. As a result he's got pretty much no relationship with his dad, and never really had a strong father figure and role model of what a father should be, he was brought up by women doing everything themselves, and got used to it, even though he says he wants to be a better father for DS, he doesn't want to do the work when it comes down to it. We knew all this going in, but I was always sure we can compromise, and communicate, and work things out...however I'm starting to realize that that favorite buzzword 'communication' only goes so far...you can communicate and talk things out till you're blue in the face, but unless you actually act on it and work to resolve internal issues, it's just a bunch of hot air...sorry for rambling, just my thoughts out loud...
Actually, I may be harsh in my previous posts, and your husband is a jerk in some ways. But you can't change other people. It is the way it is. The FIRST thing you absolutely need to do is STOP keeping score. You keep on saying you do 95% of the chores and taking care of your son or 22.5 hours out of 24 hours. Neither is accurate and your math skills honestly suck. You are aware though that you contribute to 0% of the finances and that your husband is away from home at least 10 to 12 hours a day to be at work (including commute and lunch time) and contribute to 100% of your finances.
You need to find time for yourself first within your own schedule. For a start, bring your son when you go grocery shopping. It's not as dirty as you make it out to be. That's already at least one hour a week that you can have more "me" time. And if you really need it, just ask your husband if he agrees to play his computer games and watch over your son while he watches Barney or whatever on TV. OK, I get that people say TV is not good, blah blah blah... but a couple of hours of TV won't hurt and has to be better than your son listening to your husband berate you or he listening to you that you don't want to spend more time with him.
Last edited by GoldenTiger; 02-25-2013 at 06:33 PM..
Why do people keep bringing up cleaning the apartment?
I'm not complaining about the cleaning, I don't even really clean all that much, I'm nowhere near a clean freak and let plenty of things slide. That's not even my point in posting.
What I mean by having a break is having time when I don't need to worry about DS, some chunks of time where I'm not responsible for another human being OR doing chores, and no it's not the same as having him watch a video while i cook dinner. I figure since I'm already with him the entire day, it should be normal for DH to spend SOME time with him on weekends and let me do my own thing. But he insists on me coming along, and then he'll spend 15 minutes with him on the playground and sit his butt down and go 'your turn now, I ALREADY ran around with him a whole bunch'. And the fact that I spend hours on the damn playground the entire week doesn't count somehow.
Because you said you do it at night, after your son is in bed when you should be having an adult conversation with your husband.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie
It might be hard to believe after reading my posts, but I DO love being a sahm, actually, honestly I do and I wouldn't trade it for the world. As I've mentioned in my first post, we're waiting on our greencard and I'm on a dependent visa atm, so I can't work, but that's not the point. It's just that I don't understand why, in a household with two parents, this "There really is very little to no "me" time when you have small children" has to be the case...when you have weekends, two full days, where you could split it up so you have some family activities, and a few hours of downtime for each of the parents while the other takes over. Parenting is a job too, probably the hardest one, and every job needs to include some breaks, to preserve your sanity. Instead, weekends become worse than weekdays, because I just have another person to cater to and clean up after and hear complaints...
You said you go to the gym 2 nights/week and go to the grocery store 1/week alone. That's probably more "me time" than I got those first few years.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
you shouldn't need to ask for permission, so don't.
