SAHM families - am I really expecting too much?? (wife, girl, playing)
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Soooo....what I'm getting from a lot of these posts is that a child's father is under absolutely NO obligation to help out or spend any time with him unless he feels like it (which, if I don't ask, is pretty much never)??
There are a lot of suggestions re: babysitters and playdates, and I get that - although for whatever reason none of the moms I know really do the 'trading babysitting' thing, we do meet up for playdates but we're both there, no one really wants the burden of looking after two kids, especially when they're still kind of young, get into everything, and struggle with separation anxiety etc. But in any case, I get the looking for outside help, but I also find it kind of ridiculous that I need to outsource the kid whenever I want to get out on my own because the father doesn't feel like spending any time one-on-one with him?? I mean, really, is it that normal and accepted of a situation?? If so, it makes me kind of sad...I'm supposed to never ask DH for a thing, AND then I have to also be the one jumping around him with lingerie and wine to entice him? I mean, really, that all seems kind of wrong to me...
Well, no, that's not what most people are saying.
I think most are saying you can do better than what you've been doing and so can he. You both need to give.
You can find ways to modify your routine so that you are not up every night until midnight cleaning. You CAN get more chores done during the day with a 3 year old, and we are giving you suggestions on how. Then you can have time more time & energy to spend on him, which is a legit complaint on his part.
Lots of us are also saying your husband is being a jerk about it all, and part of that is because he doesn't get what you do and thinks you don't appreciate how much he does. So the suggestion is you meet him halfway, be the bigger person, make the first move. You both resent each other and are digging in your heels, but if you can relieve some of the resentment sometimes good things happen. If he sees you try maybe he'll try too.
The name calling is a deal breaker and you need to put a stop to that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tell-the-Truth
You can be "right" or you can have peace. I believe the longer we're on this earth we come to discover peace as being invaluable.
This is the bottom line. Do you want to be "right?", or do you want to be happy? You can be right and miserable, or give a little and help create a win/win for everyone. We are not saying give him everything he wants. We are saying make the first move towards the middle.
I think most are saying you can do better than what you've been doing and so can he. You both need to give.
You can find ways to modify your routine so that you are not up every night until midnight cleaning. You CAN get more chores done during the day with a 3 year old, and we are giving you suggestions on how. Then you can have time more time & energy to spend on him, which is a legit complaint on his part.
Lots of us are also saying your husband is being a jerk about it all, and part of that is because he doesn't get what you do and thinks you don't appreciate how much he does. So the suggestion is you meet him halfway, be the bigger person, make the first move. You both resent each other and are digging in your heels, but if you can relieve some of the resentment sometimes good things happen. If he sees you try maybe he'll try too.
The name calling is a deal breaker and you need to put a stop to that.
This is the bottom line. Do you want to be "right?", or do you want to be happy? You can be right and miserable, or give a little and help create a win/win for everyone. We are not saying give him everything he wants. We are saying make the first move towards the middle.
If that is what you are getting, you are not paying attention.
Very few posters have said he shouldn't be doing more than he is. But frankly it's difficult to know what the honest situation is, when you obviously exaggerate the situation....You have one small child and live in an apartment. He presumably naps. You count his sleeping hours as your "on duty" time, while not counting your husbands job as his "on duty" time. You even blame your husbands family for your son's temperment (if he's high maintenance, might SOME of it be a result of mom catering and working her whole schedule around his every whim?). Your relationship is in trouble and you are looking to blame instead of to solve. Solving sometimes mean someone has to be the first to take a step in that direction. Yes, it sounds as if he spends too much time online playing for a 32 yr old father. But honestly, I might too if all I heard was whining about how much I didn't do. Work on your marriage and stop keeping score.
Honestly, I'm not exaggerating - this is why I've tried to be precise in describing our schedules, there's no point for me to be lying as I really did want to hear objective opinions. Really, how do I explain it, it's not even so much about me needing more time; it's more about DH's attitude about it: the assumption that ANY time he spends with DS is this huge favor to me, and then even if he agrees to it it's the attitude and the eye rolling and bitching and whining. THAT'S probably the biggest issue here. I'd be happy to sit down with him and figure out how much alone time he's willing to give me - even if it's one morning a month or something, or a trip to the mall every few weeks, I'd be happy enough at least knowing that's there and that's when I get my break. And I'd be ecstatic if at least sometimes he'd say, I'm gonna take DS for a bike ride, spend some boy time, you go do something nice for yourself. If I at least heard that EVER, I'd be grateful, because not only it gives me a break, but I think it's good for both of them to spend time one-on-one without always leaning on me. But it NEVER happens.
I don't nag him or whine about how much he doesn't do - unless he starts it up first. I always start off with asking him nicely, always thank him and praise him whenever he does help, tell him how important it's to their relationship.
But still, here's how it often goes:
Me: Honey, would you please stay with DS for a few hours this sunday, I wanna run off to the mall to get a few things
DH: *sigh, grimace, eyeroll*
Me: oh come on, please, DS won't let me try anything on and I really just want the couple of hours to myself, I haven't been out on my own in like three months
DH: *sigh, annoyed tone*, yea yea, I guess
Me: come on, I won't be too long, you guys could go out on the bike, spend some boy time...
DH *more annoyed tone* yea fine, I said yes, okay?
Me: okay, thank you, I appreciate it, I really need the break!
DH: *grumpy* yea yea, you get plenty of breaks, your life's one big break...
Me: *getting annoyed now* oh yea, well when was the last time I actually went off to do something for myself?
DH: you're always going somewhere, you went to the store two nights ago, then to get your haircut that time (three weeks ago)...
Me: well getting milk doesn't really count as me time, and yes I need a haircut every three months or so...
DH: yea yea, whatever, I said I'll do it, okay? *waving me away*
Then when the day actually comes, he'll be grumpy, he'll ask when I'll be home, if I say more than two hours or so it's more grimacing so I usually don't, and god forbid I'm five minutes late, I need to call and warn him and apologize, otherwise it's 'why did you take you so long, he did this and that and I didn't know where his snack was and blah blah". I mean, REALLY takes the fun out of it, you know? So it's either never getting out on my own or listening to all this.
Sigh, I guess what I really miss about having my family around is not just the AMOUNT of help, it's the fact of unconditional help. That's what I'm really missing, is that I feel I can't leave our child with his own father without him acting as a babysitter, and a not very nice one at that. If I left DS with my mom I knew that I could go and no one was watching the clock on me and building up resentment and treating it like this huge frigging favor...and when I leave him with his own FATHER I'm always feeling like I need to rush, I need to listen to him complain and all that...it's like, if you already agree to it, at least don't make me feel like sh*t about it, you know? Or tell me, I don't want to spend any time with my own son, go hire a babysitter. Instead he does this martyr thing where he does SOOO much and all I want is more - but the LESS I ask, the less he does, so I can't win!!
My brother spends a lot more time with his kids now that he is a non-custodial parent. Every other weekend is MUCH more than he used to have with them.
Are you really trying for a second child, when clearly your husband doesn't like being a parent to the one you already have?
I don't nag him or whine about how much he doesn't do - unless he starts it up first. I always start off with asking him nicely, always thank him and praise him whenever he does help, tell him how important it's to their relationship.
But still, here's how it often goes:
Me: Honey, would you please stay with DS for a few hours this sunday, I wanna run off to the mall to get a few things
DH: *sigh, grimace, eyeroll*
Me: oh come on, please, DS won't let me try anything on and I really just want the couple of hours to myself, I haven't been out on my own in like three months
DH: *sigh, annoyed tone*, yea yea, I guess
Me: come on, I won't be too long, you guys could go out on the bike, spend some boy time...
DH *more annoyed tone* yea fine, I said yes, okay?
Me: okay, thank you, I appreciate it, I really need the break!
DH: *grumpy* yea yea, you get plenty of breaks, your life's one big break...
Me: *getting annoyed now* oh yea, well when was the last time I actually went off to do something for myself?
DH: you're always going somewhere, you went to the store two nights ago, then to get your haircut that time (three weeks ago)...
Me: well getting milk doesn't really count as me time, and yes I need a haircut every three months or so...
DH: yea yea, whatever, I said I'll do it, okay? *waving me away*
And here's how it should go:
Me: Honey, would you please stay with DS for a few hours this sunday, I wanna run off to the mall to get a few things
DH: *sigh, grimace, eyeroll*
Me: oh come on, please, DS won't let me try anything on and I really just want the couple of hours to myself, I haven't been out on my own in like three months
DH: *sigh, annoyed tone*, yea yea, I guess Me: Awesome! Yay! You are the best! Love ya! Kiss kiss kiss! Woooo hooooo!!!!
Okay, re-reading my post above, I realized I'm making DH come off as more of a jerk than he really is So for honesty's sake, I'll clarify that even though that is how these types of talks tend to go, AFTER it's all been done and I'm home and in a better mood and thanking DH for his help, he tends to not be nearly as grumpy and often he'll be nice and he'll say he understands that I need the break and so on. Often he'll even apologize for being rude to me earlier and will say he'll try being more understanding etc., of course next time it's often the same thing. I think in a way it's like he dreads these times more in advance and then once it's over he realizes it wasn't that bad and that he actually even enjoyed spending the time with DS...but still, almost every time we end up having to go through this arguing over again to get there..
Me: Honey, would you please stay with DS for a few hours this sunday, I wanna run off to the mall to get a few things
DH: *sigh, grimace, eyeroll*
Me: oh come on, please, DS won't let me try anything on and I really just want the couple of hours to myself, I haven't been out on my own in like three months
DH: *sigh, annoyed tone*, yea yea, I guess Me: Awesome! Yay! You are the best! Love ya! Kiss kiss kiss! Woooo hooooo!!!!
And scene.
Maybe I should try that. It's just that he sounds so damn annoyed and irritated that it makes me feel like I should talk him into it more, hoping he won't be as grumpy about it, kwim?
EC, I wouldn't ask. I would say "Hey honey, I need to run some errands this weekend, would you rather I do it in the morning or afternoon?". Limit his chances to moan, and don't let it evolve into a discussion.
EC, I wouldn't ask. I would say "Hey honey, I need to run some errands this weekend, would you rather I do it in the morning or afternoon?". Limit his chances to moan, and don't let it evolve into a discussion.
Honestly, I'm not exaggerating - this is why I've tried to be precise in describing our schedules, there's no point for me to be lying as I really did want to hear objective opinions. Really, how do I explain it, it's not even so much about me needing more time; it's more about DH's attitude about it: the assumption that ANY time he spends with DS is this huge favor to me, and then even if he agrees to it it's the attitude and the eye rolling and bitching and whining. THAT'S probably the biggest issue here. I'd be happy to sit down with him and figure out how much alone time he's willing to give me - even if it's one morning a month or something, or a trip to the mall every few weeks, I'd be happy enough at least knowing that's there and that's when I get my break. And I'd be ecstatic if at least sometimes he'd say, I'm gonna take DS for a bike ride, spend some boy time, you go do something nice for yourself. If I at least heard that EVER, I'd be grateful, because not only it gives me a break, but I think it's good for both of them to spend time one-on-one without always leaning on me. But it NEVER happens.
I don't nag him or whine about how much he doesn't do - unless he starts it up first. I always start off with asking him nicely, always thank him and praise him whenever he does help, tell him how important it's to their relationship.
But still, here's how it often goes:
Me: Honey, would you please stay with DS for a few hours this sunday, I wanna run off to the mall to get a few things
DH: *sigh, grimace, eyeroll*
Me: oh come on, please, DS won't let me try anything on and I really just want the couple of hours to myself, I haven't been out on my own in like three months
DH: *sigh, annoyed tone*, yea yea, I guess
Me: come on, I won't be too long, you guys could go out on the bike, spend some boy time...
DH *more annoyed tone* yea fine, I said yes, okay?
Me: okay, thank you, I appreciate it, I really need the break!
DH: *grumpy* yea yea, you get plenty of breaks, your life's one big break...
Me: *getting annoyed now* oh yea, well when was the last time I actually went off to do something for myself?
DH: you're always going somewhere, you went to the store two nights ago, then to get your haircut that time (three weeks ago)...
Me: well getting milk doesn't really count as me time, and yes I need a haircut every three months or so...
DH: yea yea, whatever, I said I'll do it, okay? *waving me away*
Then when the day actually comes, he'll be grumpy, he'll ask when I'll be home, if I say more than two hours or so it's more grimacing so I usually don't, and god forbid I'm five minutes late, I need to call and warn him and apologize, otherwise it's 'why did you take you so long, he did this and that and I didn't know where his snack was and blah blah". I mean, REALLY takes the fun out of it, you know? So it's either never getting out on my own or listening to all this.
Sigh, I guess what I really miss about having my family around is not just the AMOUNT of help, it's the fact of unconditional help. That's what I'm really missing, is that I feel I can't leave our child with his own father without him acting as a babysitter, and a not very nice one at that. If I left DS with my mom I knew that I could go and no one was watching the clock on me and building up resentment and treating it like this huge frigging favor...and when I leave him with his own FATHER I'm always feeling like I need to rush, I need to listen to him complain and all that...it's like, if you already agree to it, at least don't make me feel like sh*t about it, you know? Or tell me, I don't want to spend any time with my own son, go hire a babysitter. Instead he does this martyr thing where he does SOOO much and all I want is more - but the LESS I ask, the less he does, so I can't win!!
I didn't mean to imply you were exaggerating about his reaction - but about the "woe is me, I'm responsible for 23+ hours of the day and he only is responsible for 1"....in reality, he is at work for part of that time, so it's not available to him to be responsible, and your son does eventually sleep at night. Yes, your husband is being childish and a jerk but in some respects you are being childish and playing the martyr. It cannot take all day, every day to clean an apartment. You were used to having help in the form of family. Many, many people don't have that. You and your husband need to adapt to your new reality. Both of you. But you both seem to be stuck on hoping things will change by themselves.
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Maybe I should try that. It's just that he sounds so damn annoyed and irritated that it makes me feel like I should talk him into it more, hoping he won't be as grumpy about it, kwim?
