SAHM families - am I really expecting too much?? (pills, snacks, activity)
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Maybe get some therapy for yourself, get a babysitter and go out with friends, and stop telling him to play with his son. Maybe by letting up on him, he'll come around and finally decide on his own. Nagging at him will never work, it will only make him defensive and push him away. You've already tried nagging and it doesn't work with him. Just get a sitter, even if it's expensive, and go out and have some time for yourself. He'll be mad because it costs money but just say that you need to do this because you will go nuts otherwise. (don't throw it back in his face that if HE would watch the kid you would not need a sitter.)
Force yourself to keep quiet to him, just forget about it, and maybe he'll come around on his own. He may just be digging in his heels the more you nag him. (I know it would be hard to keep quiet but TRY.) Trying to reason with him is obviously not working and it's just causing fights.
The question is, how do I 'take a stand' without fighting and him harbouring more resentment, which may eventually spill over into walking out? Because as sad as it sounds, even though I'm not happy with the way things are, I also don't want to break our family up over it and I don't want to lose him. I want to get him over to my side, without fighting.
I've done the 'non-confrontational talk' to death, as I've said often he'll agree with me and make promises but doesn't follow through, and often he'll also get all defensive and go on about how he already does so much and it's never enough etc. If I just get up and leave for a weekend and dump DS on his lap, as has been suggested here, I can't even predict what his reaction will be, but I'm betting I won't be hearing the end of it for a long, long time, that is if he doesn't walk out the minute I'm back. Honestly, I'm not ready to take such drastic measures and risk what's at stake. FWIW, he doesn't deny how much work I do or discount that it's hard - in fact, he's perfectly aware that it's hard and that's precisely why he doesn't want to do it, his argument is that he's got his job and since I chose to be a sahm, this is mine, and he shouldn't have to deal with it, aside from spending minimal time playing with DS only when he feels like it. I guess what I was looking for is some kind of foolproof approach/argument I could make that would make him realize he's wrong on this, and make him see my side of it without getting pissed off, but I guess that's too simplistic and doesn't exist...
Seriously, after 16 pages, many posters have told you not to try to attempt to change your husband, so yeah, that scheme you are asking about does not exist. And stop keeping score. You are a SAHM, and by definition, you do more than 50% of the chores and the child rearing. Your husband already gives your son a bath and spends time with him every day when he comes back from work. You conveniently forget to remind the other posters of that. You are always the victim and he is always the bad guy.
Keeping score never works in any marriage, because you have a different scoring system and he has a different scoring system. You never get to have the same score and it just builds resentment. So just stop it.
Be aware that if you keep on insisting this on your own terms, then your marriage is or will be in trouble. You did not marry anyone like your father, so stop changing him to be like your father. He is trying and don't rush him to be what he isn't. If you break him in the process, then he will just leave you like his own father did. As less resentment and fewer blames and lesser score keeping are in your household, the bond will just naturally come. You do not need to force the issue to your husband or your son. Who knows? When your son grows older, you might have too much "me" time already as you will not be able to keep both of them away from the computer.
The question is, how do I 'take a stand' without fighting and him harbouring more resentment, which may eventually spill over into walking out? Because as sad as it sounds, even though I'm not happy with the way things are, I also don't want to break our family up over it and I don't want to lose him. I want to get him over to my side, without fighting.
I've done the 'non-confrontational talk' to death, as I've said often he'll agree with me and make promises but doesn't follow through, and often he'll also get all defensive and go on about how he already does so much and it's never enough etc. If I just get up and leave for a weekend and dump DS on his lap, as has been suggested here, I can't even predict what his reaction will be, but I'm betting I won't be hearing the end of it for a long, long time, that is if he doesn't walk out the minute I'm back. Honestly, I'm not ready to take such drastic measures and risk what's at stake. FWIW, he doesn't deny how much work I do or discount that it's hard - in fact, he's perfectly aware that it's hard and that's precisely why he doesn't want to do it, his argument is that he's got his job and since I chose to be a sahm, this is mine, and he shouldn't have to deal with it, aside from spending minimal time playing with DS only when he feels like it. I guess what I was looking for is some kind of foolproof approach/argument I could make that would make him realize he's wrong on this, and make him see my side of it without getting pissed off, but I guess that's too simplistic and doesn't exist...
If you don't want to be confrontational, try emailing him. Talk about your feelings, no blame, no 'you don't do this'. Just talk about the way you feel. Also, your husband is not wrong, he feels he is working hard. I would definitely suggest a therapist as well. It is important for long term relationships. Having a third party walk you through this will help you both see what the other needs. There may be a lot your husband needs that you are not doing and don't realize it.
Try this: during downtime, when apparently your husband is less defensive, break out a calendar and write down what he says he'll do. Remind him the night before he has a "shift" tomorrow and that he agreed to it.
I really take issue with fathers who think they're babysitters. It sounds like the help you were receiving before you moved just masked his immaturity.
I think you have buyer's remorse here. You want him to just 'be different' without couples counseling or, apparently, any disagreement between the two of you. He's who you married and now have a child with so you have to find a way to deal with it. We put off having a child until we were out of the spending all of our money and sleeping all day phase of life. You say you are both immature and selfish so..yeah..it's going to be difficult having children. Your options are - go to therapy so a third party can broker and agreement between you. Go to therapy alone so you can learn how to deal with what you see as his shortcomings and get some tools to communicate better. Or find outside help and ride this storm until your son is older and you can both go back to doing what you want most of the day. Or divorce him and go back to your family.
Seriously, after 16 pages, many posters have told you not to try to attempt to change your husband, so yeah, that scheme you are asking about does not exist. And stop keeping score. You are a SAHM, and by definition, you do more than 50% of the chores and the child rearing. Your husband already gives your son a bath and spends time with him every day when he comes back from work. You conveniently forget to remind the other posters of that. You are always the victim and he is always the bad guy.
Keeping score never works in any marriage, because you have a different scoring system and he has a different scoring system. You never get to have the same score and it just builds resentment. So just stop it.
Be aware that if you keep on insisting this on your own terms, then your marriage is or will be in trouble. You did not marry anyone like your father, so stop changing him to be like your father. He is trying and don't rush him to be what he isn't. If you break him in the process, then he will just leave you like his own father did. As less resentment and fewer blames and lesser score keeping are in your household, the bond will just naturally come. You do not need to force the issue to your husband or your son. Who knows? When your son grows older, you might have too much "me" time already as you will not be able to keep both of them away from the computer.
This. EC, your struggle for who gets to win and be the boss is not working. I don't think it will ever work. I think you need to try something new.
Keeping score never works in any marriage, because you have a different scoring system and he has a different scoring system. You never get to have the same score and it just builds resentment. So just stop it.
^^^^GoldenTiger is 100% right, keeping score will get you nothing but misery.
Sorry if things seem unbalanced right now. It won't be that way forever.
I have four kids (all born within the first six years of marriage). We've never lived close to family, so I didn't have backup. I always worked from home (freelance writing) in these early years. At times I would wake up at 3 am to write and nurse my daughter at the same time. The only way I didn't resent it was thinking how privileged I was to spend her first years with her and how lucky I was that telecommuting was even a possibility (where obviously, years ago, women had to choose parenting or working).
It was hard to get to the gym, so I'd go stroller-jogging (but then toddlers aren't happy in there forever) so I bought a used stepper and got some weights to keep in the basement. I'd run down there every time my kids napped. There's a way around everything - you just have to get creative. (BTW, the parent - be it mom or dad - that has a job outside the home has to think outside the box when they have to tackle a work issue. They don't call the other spouse and expect the other spouse to problem-solve. Create a rigid work schedule, get it all down on paper and stick to it. If junior didn't nap at the right time or you didn't get your stuff done on time, don't let it overflow into your evening.)
The only other piece of advice I can give you is to be a little more lighthearted about it. If I need a day to shop, I always promise my husband to pick up a pretty lacy/racy treat for him. I'm heading out to wine with a friend? I promise him lots of attention when I get home. Leave him lipstick notes reminding him of what he'll get if he's a "good boy." It works like a charm. (And yes, he should LOVE spending a Saturday afternoon at a kid's Chuck E Cheese party while his favorite game is on. But he doesn't. Lordie, the things I have to do to make up for Saturday afternoons like that!)
I don't think it sounds like you don't enjoy being a stay at home Mom. It sounds like you want your husband to WANT to be around his own child.
This is a BIG part of the problem.
OP you are taking on your husband's emotions. You say you are non-confrontational, that you hate having people be mad at you.
The thing is, you cannot control that. It doesn't matter if your husband acts "mad." He's doing that to keep you from bringing him out of his comfort zone.
You are both supposed to be adults in this relationship. He is acting like another child, and you are allowing it by begging and bargaining and getting into spats where he comes back ans "apologizes" later. That is not an adult relationship.
If you cannot negotiate this now, your kid(s) will walk all over you, as is already happening with the bedside routine. A marriage counselor can help you learn how to communicate adult to adult rather than as parent to child.
This. And I agree with your whole post. Also, I have an ex-boyfriend who was verbally abusive and I think that's being glossed over here. It's hard to be bring your SO a drink and put on slinky underwear when he was calling you a "lazy *****" three days earlier. Hard, stressful times bring out the worst in people and this sounds like the first time you are experiencing this, having been no kids and then one kid with a lot of family around for most of your relationship. Honestly, I would be considering counseling to get to the root of why he thinks that sort of language and condenscension is OK. I wasn't married to my jerk and had no kids, so I just left. Didn't need a lifetime of that craziness.
While I do think you should adjust your own expectations, I'm laughing at the notion that your poor husband needs a break when he gets home. You said he works a standard day with very little OT. Well, so do I. The second part of my day starts at 5 when I leave work and go pick up my 3-year-old from day care. But much like Tiffjoy, my DH and I have managed to find a way split duties. I do a little bit more overall, but not to the point where I feel like I do everything. And probably because we just have one child, we do manage to carve out "free time." I love my husband and I love my child, but sometimes I just want to sit with my girlfriends in Starbucks for two hours and talk about nothing. LOL But I know lots of moms differ with that.
But you work. When you work, you split the care. She does not work outside the home. That's the difference. They are not supposed to split the care like that.
LOL, I've learned to filter opinions on internet forums...I found that whenever anyone complains about anything, there are always people who swoop in saying how they should suck it up because their own lives are so much harder...well I'm sure they may be, but it doesn't mean it's normal, and it doesn't mean someone else's problems are not valid because of it. I mean, if I got on and say, I get really bad headaches, what can I do to relieve them, are people going to tell me, oh come on just suck it up and don't whine, I've had cancer and I'm not complaining? I mean yea, it'd be kind of a valid response, but is it really what I came to hear? Just because it can always get worse, doesn't mean it's something to aspire to, or that anything slightly better is not worth complaining about...
I think you are filtering out everything you don't want to hear. And what you don't want to hear is that your husband is fairly normal (maybe except for the name-calling) and you can either give up trying to change him or start down the path to divorce. But if you look at the posts, I think more than half the people are telling you that if you want to keep your marriage intact, you are not going to be able to ask him to do more right now and you should stop trying to change him. You are filtering out all of those answers because it's not what you hoped people would say. If enough people post, you'll get one of every opinion, so I guess if you wait long enough on here you'll find one that you like.
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I mean yea, it'd be kind of a valid response, but is it really what I came to hear? Just because it can always get worse, doesn't mean it's something to aspire to, or that anything slightly better is not worth complaining about...
