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I am shocked that people keep giving her the "I can't believe you put up with this" attitude. I agree with the counseling idea and suggested. The OP "filters" all the suggestions that might really help (i.e. counseling, babysitters, changing the nap schedule), other than simply changing DH with some magical formula. But this indignant stance about putting up with it can lead only one place - the end of the relationship. At some point you either put up with it and keep your relationship, or you don't put up with it and end the relationship. Especially if one won't consider counseling. So I simply suggest that if she wants to keep her relationship, then she will put up with it and find other ways to solve the problem besides asking DH for more. It isn't about principles, it's about whether or not one wants to keep the relationship and at what cost.
I wouldn't personally put up with it, no, so that's why I said that. I expect my husband to act like a father and spend time with his children of his own accord. We decided together to have children. So, yes, I expect he will be a parent, not a babysitter.
However, EC, you seem to want things to magically fix themselves. When something my DH does upsets me, I confront him (in a reasonable way) and we talk it out. Same goes for me with him. Sometimes we fight. But mostly, we explain things to each other and work on adjusting accordingly. Both of us. I am not a perfect wife and mother, and he's made legitimate points to me about things I do that upset him. You don't want to risk an argument, so you are asking for some magical way to change your DH. There isn't one. And you need to acknowledge that he may have legitimate feelings about your actions, too. It's likely you both need to give a little more, which I said already.
Marriage is a partnership. If only one person is trying, it won't work. So suggesting to the OP that she ignore her DH's behavior and just change herself isn't likely to work. Her resentment will remain. His resentment will remain. And so nothing will really change in the end. Open communication is key in ANY relationship. If that's missing, it's very hard to make it work unless you are willing to really be the only one doing everything. And most people are not capable of being that self-sacrificing because that's quite extreme.
EC, I really think it's just circles here. You have turned down loads of advice with "that won't work," "I've tried that," or "I can't do that." So I'm a little lost on what you really want here besides sympathy, which is in short supply on Internet boards. I really hope you get to a counselor for some perspective and start working on learning how to talk with your DH.
In my opinion, you have to get over the resentment you obviously have over having to move for your DH's job. Until you do the marriage will not succeed. You have to put 100% into working with where you are living, because you have moved, and that likely will not change. Resentment is a marriage killer.
I am a SAHM as well and I get up the kids every day of the week, change them, do all the bathing, do all the cleaning, and dr appts and the kids schedules. I think thats kind of expected when you have a baby at all.
I dont dwell on it anymore. I dont mind getting up early as I go to bed earlier then my DH. When we have infants he will do the late night feedings since he is still awake, and I do the early morning ones.
On weekends occasionally he will take the kids outside so I can catch up on laundry etc. If I want to chat with another mom friend I will simply take the kids with me. My DH does do all the grocery shopping though, so that is helpful.
It's a partnership and you guys need to work all these things out. But until your resentment is gone you will never reach a compromise. Be honest with him about how you feel and how moving has affected you.
Okay now I understand this guy better. So he HAS adjusted some to fatherhood, just not as much as you'd like. When he gets home from work, he:
1. Plays with his kid for a few minutes, makes him giggle.
2. Gives him his evening bath.
And on the weekends he:
1. Gets out of bed "early" compared to what he used to do.
2. Goes somewhere for some family time one of the days.
And he also handles all the finances and bill paying.
So he's not doing NOTHING, in his mind he's trying. This is already more than he ever saw his dad do. I do think he deservess some points for that, even if he has a ways to go.
So while I agree he needs to work the concept of "alone time with my child is not a favor or a burden" into his brain, as well as "my wife needs time by herself too", this is not something he knows naturally because this is not something he saw growing up. You said the women in his family took care of everything. They were completely independent. He doesn't know what you are talking about when you ask him to do something for you. Noone asked him or his dad for anything before. To him, you already don't have to work and he's already doing family stuff so what in the world could be the problem? "Why should I have to deal with a toddler alone, that's your job that you said you wanted? I do enough." I bet when you are talking calmly he says what he thinks will make you happy but deep down, this is what he thinks, and it comes out later anyway. Sound about right?
What is it about being alone with the child that he doesn't like? Have you ever asked? Does he like that he has to pay full attention to him? Does he dislike kid activities? Does he hate having to cater to him, or make snacks? Is he insecure about how to interact with his son? Some things might go away with time depending on what his reasons are.
But the OP said many times that her husband is with the child for an hour to an a hour and a half every day he comes home from work. So it is more than just a few minutes. The odds are the OP is *not* communicating her needs correctly and is diminishing his role that he actually does (which she has done here and backtracked) to his face which sets off his defense mechanism.
The OP problem also lies in the fact (which she already admitted to) is that she's passive. Things do not get done nor do they change until she change that particular trait. Her passive stance is what caused this particular situation and will continue to stay that way. If she's looking for passive ways to change, then does it mean she's looking for passive-aggressive ways to change the situation? Because I can already hear my old ladies friends laughing as they would point out that she (the OP) has the ultimate trump card of all. The Sex card. Make the husband work for it. Tell him to take the child out for a day and get rewarded at the end of the night.
The other thing to consider is also the OP keeps talking about a Green card. What culture is she from? It may be according to that culture, the dad is very much involved.
I'm sorry, but may I ask, how many kids have you raised exactly? Were you a stay-at-home-parent, or perhaps a FT working mom? It's easy to point to others who do it all, but until you've been in their shoes you can't talk. A working mom's child is watched by someone else during the time she's at work; in a normal healthy household. all the child rearing and household duties in a family with two working parents are split evenly 50:50, or outsourced to hired help. I'm with my son all day, every day, and I don't ask DH for a 50% share when he's home - not even close. I don't ask for help with any household tasks and I ask for about 5% of his time to be spent with DS versus my 95%. Unless you've raised a toddler, you have no idea how stressful and exhausting it is to have a little person depend on you for his every need, every minute of the day, to not be able to go the bathroom alone. It's exhausting and it wears you down, as much as I adore DS and love spending time with him. Believe me, before I had him I thought it was all butterflies and rainbows too, and couldn't understand why moms complained - why would you want time away from your precious child?? But it's hard to be entirely responsible for another life, a human being, 24/7, and sometimes you just need to be able to get away and have a breather, and to spend an hour or two not being responsible for anyone's needs. It's not about 'hating to spend time with him' This is ridiculous, as every mother I've ever spoken to has expressed the same sentiment - everyone's husbands are at least expected to help out, does that mean they all hate spending time with their kids?? But unless you're a parent, actually make that a mother, you won't get it.
Oh, and I do have sex with my husband...it's just that it's hard for me to actually be in the mood for it, when I've just finished dealing with putting a toddler to sleep and finished up chores, I can't just go from that to jumping on DH and being all sexy tigress. It's hard for guys to understand, I know. I try not to turn him down, but then he complains I don't initiate or that I'm not active or enthusiastic enough - but these are things that I can't really control, if I'm not feeling it I can't force myself to...this is off-topic for the parenting board though so I'll stop here
Maybe you should return to work and consider that you are not 'cut out' to be a SAHM. Then - you will also have more valid arguments as to 50/50 division of the work, chores, and spending time with your son. You will also have your own income and decide if a babysitter is needed.
The two of you have drastically different ideas of what a SAHM does. I can just see him thinking. Oh goody. I'm marrying a woman who wants to stay home with the kids so she will love taking care of them and the house. I'll be able to come home after a hard day of work to a home cooked meal, a happy kid and a happy wife.
You on the other had were probably thinking. Oh goody. I can be a SAHM which means I don't have to get a job and balance the whole work/mother thing. I can stay home and take good care of the kids and be a home maker. When my husband gets home from work he will be so grateful that he will shower me with kisses and then take over so I can have a break from my trying day.
See the disconnect and why you are both so unhappy? Not because either of you is doing something wrong, you just married a person with a drastically different idea of how it was all going to go.
So what to do now. For yourself here are my suggestions.
1. Stop blaming your husband. It is just as much your fault as his. You should have both worked this out before getting married.
2. Couples counseling is best. They can go over all this with you both so he will stop blaming you also.
3. Stop the negative tape that is playing in your head. I know this is harder to do than it sounds. If you think about it you are playing your grievances to yourself constantly. Somehow you have to interrupt that tape and start playing a more positive tape to yourself. When you start thinking something negative try to immediately stop yourself and instead say something positive. Like my husband earns a good living, my husband makes my child happy, I get to stay at home because my husband works all day, my husband is a professional with a job with benefits, my husband gives the kid a bath every night! etc.
4. Decide if you really want to do something about this or not. I kinda think you don't really want to. Its alot easier to complain and try to change someone else than try to work on yourself. But you really have only three choices. Accept what is and be grateful and enjoy it, be miserable as you are or change yourself to live the kind of life you want to live. Changing your husband is not an option. Only he can change himself. If your living a life that he wants to be a part of then he will join in. If he doesn't want to then you can't make him. So if you want to take your kid to the park then take him. Then when you come home and have cute stories or interesting things to say maybe he will want to go next time. Maybe he will never want to go. If neither of you wants to take him then don't. Do something you want to, like go for a walk or a hike and the kid can come along and get some exercise by walking.
5. Eliminate all the sugar from the household. You and your husband will have more energy. Your kid will be easier to handle. I bet if you eat healthier alot of things that seem hard now will all of a sudden become easier. Just a guess on my part but I thought I'd throw it out there.
Okay now I understand this guy better. So he HAS adjusted some to fatherhood, just not as much as you'd like. When he gets home from work, he:
1. Plays with his kid for a few minutes, makes him giggle.
2. Gives him his evening bath.
And on the weekends he:
1. Gets out of bed "early" compared to what he used to do.
2. Goes somewhere for some family time one of the days.
And he also handles all the finances and bill paying.
So he's not doing NOTHING, in his mind he's trying. This is already more than he ever saw his dad do. I do think he deservess some points for that, even if he has a ways to go.
So while I agree he needs to work the concept of "alone time with my child is not a favor or a burden" into his brain, as well as "my wife needs time by herself too", this is not something he knows naturally because this is not something he saw growing up. You said the women in his family took care of everything. They were completely independent. He doesn't know what you are talking about when you ask him to do something for you. Noone asked him or his dad for anything before. To him, you already don't have to work and he's already doing family stuff so what in the world could be the problem? "Why should I have to deal with a toddler alone, that's your job that you said you wanted? I do enough." I bet when you are talking calmly he says what he thinks will make you happy but deep down, this is what he thinks, and it comes out later anyway. Sound about right?
What is it about being alone with the child that he doesn't like? Have you ever asked? Does he like that he has to pay full attention to him? Does he dislike kid activities? Does he hate having to cater to him, or make snacks? Is he insecure about how to interact with his son? Some things might go away with time depending on what his reasons are.
^This. You've hit the nail right on the head with this whole post.
He's not a complete jerk or monster or deadbeat dad, and I didn't mean to make it sound as if he was - if he actually was, I probably wouldn't be looking to save the marriage, I'd be looking to get out.
He's just, well, somewhat immature and selfish when it comes to his wants, and it's a trait I've seen in him before having kids but didn't think it would carry over to how he is as a father.
He claims he DOES like spending time with him, it's just that "it's his weekend and he just wants to be able to chill". So given the choice, he wants to be able to play for 10 mnutes, and then go back to video games. And like I said, I get that. But I want that too, and I'd settle for having it a lot less frequently than him, at least every few weeks. But then when I do ask for it, no matter how long ago the last time was, he'll make it sound like I ALWAYS ask for it and makes it into this huge deal.
Oh, and I never call him 'lazy' to his face, just because I said that on here.
In fact I've never allowed myself to talk to him disrespectfully the way he sometimes does to me. As I've said, he does apologize every time he does and admit he was wrong, but in general this is a fairly new pattern that I wouldn't have expected from him before...
- DH works, does taxes, pays bills, deals with most financial paperwork but assigns some of it to me every once in a while (I admit I’m completely terrible at anything finance-related)
- I take care of all the household needs – cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc. I take care of DS the entire day, schedule all his classes, activities, doctor visits, etc, take him to different places, try to make sure he’s getting lots of fun experiences, etc
BTW, I'd like to point out how you weigh each person's workload. You lump everything he does in his workday into one phrase "work". When you list what you do, which is your "work" during the day, you break this down to a long list. The equivalent would be if you wrote: "my husband works, meets with clients, completes projects, deals with management, deals with traffic, etc."
I don't think you're intentionally tilting things - this is how you honestly see the situation. (I say this because I've been in your shoes.) The amount of daily time he spends with his son seems pretty reasonable. I think it'd help if you scheduled your day better. For example, when your husband comes home and spends that 1.5 hours with your son, you should take off for a nice long walk on your own or with friends. Go to a bookstore and catch up on reading. Meet a friend for an hour. Anything that is just for you. But what about dinner? Honestly, proper time management would have had that taken care of. Maybe modify the meals you make. Use a crock pot. Baked ziti, lasagna, salad - stuff that's ready to go. You shouldn't be using your personal time to start dinner. Maybe you can't make your 1.5 hours alone all about "me time" but try to squeeze in a little more during the week.
If you truly consider your son your full-time job, make your workday more efficient. Don't let it trickle into your evenings. Make the day work for you. Teach your son alone time. Carve out time where you can both sit and read quietly. Be social. Just as you can't go into your husband's office and make his workday ideal and wonderful, he can't make yours perfect either.
On the note of your husband being mean and name-calling, I agree that it's unacceptable. BUT, we're hearing your side of this. Perhaps your actions make him feel like he can never do enough for you. So he owns the mean words but maybe you own the mean actions. Only you know (and maybe you really don't, because as human beings, we tend to be more aware of what's done to us, rather than what we do to others).
The two of you have drastically different ideas of what a SAHM does. I can just see him thinking. Oh goody. I'm marrying a woman who wants to stay home with the kids so she will love taking care of them and the house. I'll be able to come home after a hard day of work to a home cooked meal, a happy kid and a happy wife.
You on the other had were probably thinking. Oh goody. I can be a SAHM which means I don't have to get a job and balance the whole work/mother thing. I can stay home and take good care of the kids and be a home maker. When my husband gets home from work he will be so grateful that he will shower me with kisses and then take over so I can have a break from my trying day.
LOL, actually, the first version is exactly what I had in mind when thinking of being a SAHM. I thought staying at home is so fun and gratifying that I'll have plenty of energy, and get everything done with a smile on my face, and why would I ever need a break from my precious family.
I didn't appreciate just quite how much kids require of you, and just how much I miss and need that alone time. This has been somewhat of a shock to me as well as DH. Yes, it IS fun and gratifying and amazing. But it's also so so hard, not just physically, but the fact of never being alone, which is also one reason that after DS is in bed I don't feel like having sex or even being touched, I want to climb into bed and be left alone...I know that may sound horrible, it doesn't mean I don't love my family to bits, but it's just the type of person I am - and I didn't quite realize that in myself until recently...
LOL, actually, the first version is exactly what I had in mind when thinking of being a SAHM. I thought staying at home is so fun and gratifying that I'll have plenty of energy, and get everything done with a smile on my face, and why would I ever need a break from my precious family.
I didn't appreciate just quite how much kids require of you, and just how much I miss and need that alone time. This has been somewhat of a shock to me as well as DH. Yes, it IS fun and gratifying and amazing. But it's also so so hard, not just physically, but the fact of never being alone, which is also one reason that after DS is in bed I don't feel like having sex or even being touched, I want to climb into bed and be left alone...I know that may sound horrible, it doesn't mean I don't love my family to bits, but it's just the type of person I am - and I didn't quite realize that in myself until recently...
This makes it easier. If you were both on the same page and had both thought you were going to be doing pretty much all the kid related stuff and he could join in at will then having a talk explaining how it is different than you though should be alot easier. If you can put the blame on yourself it will be a message that is alot easier for your husband to hear.
There have been some great suggestions here but I'll add mine which probably duplicate what others have suggested.
1. Hire a house cleaner. It is about $50-$100 every other week. So between $100-$200 a month. Priceless in terms of getting everything really clean. The feeling of well being that it will give you every single time they leave is priceless.
2. If that doesn't give you enough relief then hire a baby sitter or mother's helper.
3. If that isn't enough then take the kid to drop in day care.
4. If you don't like to cook then find one of those services that provides home cooked meals pre-packaged and maybe even delivered. The key being to identify the parts of your day that are really dragging you down and hire them out.
5. If you don't like to take the kid to play sessions that you have to supervise try and find some other mothers who will swap time with you. You take their kid in exchange for them taking yours during the week. This could work out on weekends to give you both some alone time with spouses.
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This is ridiculous, as every mother I've ever spoken to has expressed the same sentiment - everyone's husbands are at least expected to help out, does that mean they all hate spending time with their kids?? But unless you're a parent, actually make that a mother, you won't get it.
