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I am a a SAHM mother of three children, and it sounds like the OP needs to make some adjustments in attitude and schedule. A three-year-old should not be up until 10 o'clock at night, and you should not have to sit by the bedside until a child falls asleep. This indicates some sleep problems that should be addressed. One of the huge advantages of getting to that age is usually the child has a decent bedtime by then and can fall asleep on his/her own.
As for everything else, I have never had family in town, so I almost always had to take my kids wherever I went. When I went to the gym, I left them in the gym childcare. I took them to the grocery store and everywhere else. I also haven't generally have felt like I was unable to do other things in the house just because a child was there. At that age, my kids would often play with toys while I did other things. I just didn't find it to be that hard once they reached the age of three. I actually never really understood parents who claimed it was so burdensome to be a SAHM parent because you are "stuck" with children all day. I found other aspects of SAHM parenting difficult--such as being "stuck" doing tedious work like cleaning.
I do understand that parenting can cause tensions in a couple. That is a classic problem. However, in this case, it sounds to me like the husband is doing some good things. I never was one to dump my kids on my husband as soon as he walked in the door. It is actually great that the husband offers to take over childcare for an hour or so after he comes home.
As for everything else, I have never had family in town, so I almost always had to take my kids wherever I went. When I went to the gym, I left them in the gym childcare. I took them to the grocery store and everywhere else. I also haven't generally have felt like I was unable to do other things in the house just because a child was there. At that age, my kids would often play with toys while I did other things. I just didn't find it to be that hard once they reached the age of three. I actually never really understood parents who claimed it was so burdensome to be a SAHM parent because you are "stuck" with children all day. I found other aspects of SAHM parenting difficult--such as being "stuck" doing tedious work like cleaning.
I do understand that parenting can cause tensions in a couple. That is a classic problem. However, in this case, it sounds to me like the husband is doing some good things. I never was one to dump my kids on my husband as soon as he walked in the door. It is actually great that the husband offers to take over childcare for an hour or so after he comes home.
The bolded sentences seem to contradict each other. It's interesting that you don't understand why a SAHM would ever feel "stuck" with her kids yet you think it's okay that the working parent feels the children are "dumped" on them when they get home.
Thank you everyone so much for taking the time to respond.
There's been so much said and so much advice given that it's a bit overwhelming, but many of you hit on the right points. Me and DH used to have such a wonderful relationship, and I always thought it would stay that way because we always communicated and treated each other with respect. But for whatever reason, this has been gradually changing lately and it feels like we're going down a bad road, yet because so much of my energy goes to my son I just didn't have it in me to care or do anything about it, and just ended up feeling resentful. I do think his becoming more verbally abusive (which I never never would've expected of him, and I've known him for over 12 years!) corresponded to our sex life dwindling, and it's like a vicious cycle because I have zero desire, and even less so when I think of him being rude to me. I've talked to him about taking over bedtime some days and giving me an hour or so to unwind so I'm more in the mood, but he took offense to it and basically took it as me trying to use sex to get him to do even more than he already does. I can't win. It feels like he doesn't care about what I go through or how I feel, which in return makes me not care about him, and it's a bad cycle to be in. On the surface our relationship is still good, we do talk a lot, we laugh, we spend time together as a family on weekends and do fun things together, go out to eat, etc. But at the bottom of it, I'll be honest and admit that we both tend to be selfish and somewhat spoiled when it comes to sacrificing things for each other - and this is something we both have to work on, I guess. Re: his video games, this is not a 'hiding' thing, he's been playing them for years, it's just his hobby and something he wants to do in his free time, and he's perfectly happy to be at home as long as we're letting him do what he wants.
I'm perfectly happy to let him play the games, and have some downtime on the weekends, and sleep in - I understand that he needs it, just as I do - if he would do it in return. That's why I've suggested several times drawing up a schedule where we each get one day on alternating weeks to do what we want, sleep in or whatever. I feel that would be fair, but he doesn't want to, so then of course I'm resentful when he asks for it but I never get to. Or when I do, it's with attitude and complaining and whining. When I talked nicely to him about it, he would agree and say he understands, yet next time it's the same thing again, and every time he does something it goes into his collection of things to use against me in the next argument. Same goes for paying a babysitter or a housekeeper - if I get one I know it'll be "you're home all day AND you have paid staff, you're such a spoiled princess, we're not that rich" blah blah. We do live in an expensive area and babysitters/cleaners charge at least $15-20/hour, and most are looking for a certain number of hours a week, so it's not easy to find someone reliable who's willing to only do a couple of hours a week, and any more than that becomes quite a bit of money. And as I said, it becomes almost not worth it when it's just going to be used as ammunition against me.
Have to run now, I'll write more later. Thanks again everyone for responding, I appreciate it!
It's not "free time" if your son is awake and needs attention. There really is no "free time" as a parent. My husband used to play video games too. He stopped when we had kids.
You don't need a housekeeper to keep up with an apartment. You need to do the housework while your son is napping or watching a TV show, not at midnight during what should be adult time.
The child care issue will be resolved when you put him in a regular preschool next school year, if you can hold off until then. We have a drop in child care center that was a life saver when we first moved away from family. Maybe you have something like that near you.
I know every situation is different, but FWIW, I worked when my kids were babies. We were all up between 5:30 and 6:00 every day. On weekends we traded off getting up with the kids. Then I was a SAHM for 5 years while they were in preschool. I started sleeping until 7:00, and not a single day went by in 5 years that I wasn't thankful to still be in bed at 7:00! We stopped trading off on weekends at that point. And if you think going to the grocery store with him now is a pain, just wait until you try to do it with 2 of them!
I am sure that many single mothers reading this thread are fuming by now. How would the OP like to handle everything herself, every day with absolutely no help or support whatsoever? I'm sorry, but the OP sounds selfish and immature. She's complaining because she doesn't have time to stretch out on the bed and read, uninterrupted! Welcome to motherhood. She should be thankful she has a husband to provide for her and the child, and is willing to take over what he is currently doing.
Evil--I was a stay at home mom to a son. You Have received great advice.
1-Your marriage comes first. That means date nights and SEX.
2-get a cleaning service at least biweekly. Stop making excuses. Unless you have shedding pets, no apartment needs to be vacuumed and dusted every day.
3-include your son in you chores. At two my son was helping me pick up by gathering his toys and putting them in baskets. We did this at a regular time (before time to cook dinner) during weekdays. At first it was a game done to picking up song. Take him to the grocery store with you.
4- next give your son a bath- he can eat dinner in his pajamas This is before D H gets home.
5-Cook dinner while your son is in a high chair watching a video. This isn't rocket science.
6- Let your husband unwind for at least 30 minutes before you try to engage him in a conversation, but be sure to give him a welcome home kiss.
7-clean the kitchen while your son watches another video.
(Your husband will probably be gaming by then)
8- turn most lights out-put on quiet soothing music. let your son play with a few toys while you sit on the sofa with a book. I know you will be able to do some reading.
9- put the kid to bed at 8:00pm. Leave him alone
10-Pour yourself a glass of wine to drink in your bubble bath while you soak and read a novel.
11- dress for bed. Bring your hubby a drink or snack and flake out on the sofa with your book. This should make it about 9:30. You should have at least an hour to yourself before bedtime with your husband.
Housework can be accomplished between 8 and 5 even with a boy toddler (especially in an apartment) - I know I did it. My husband had and still has a very stressful position, which at the time my son was a toddler included a lot of travel. At times he was gone for 4 days to a week. So I couldn't have relied on him anyway and I didn't have relatives in town either. What do you think military families and single parents go through??
Most gyms have daycare available. There are more mom's day out programs than there were 30 years ago so I'm sure you should be able to find one. Join a women's club. Paying a babysitter once every few weeks is not going to make your husband go berserk, especially if you two are having regular sex and he is coming home to a less stressful home.
Count your blessings-my son is 30. He, D I L, and granddaughter are in Scotland for another year and a half. I have lots of time to read.
I say get some family counseling Today!
He's not going to change because he was obvious raised that way.
If after Counseling he still doesn't want to change file for divorce.
Once he gets that first spousal support/child support statement he will change his ways!
Thank you everyone so much for taking the time to respond.
There's been so much said and so much advice given that it's a bit overwhelming, but many of you hit on the right points. Me and DH used to have such a wonderful relationship, and I always thought it would stay that way because we always communicated and treated each other with respect. But for whatever reason, this has been gradually changing lately and it feels like we're going down a bad road, yet because so much of my energy goes to my son I just didn't have it in me to care or do anything about it, and just ended up feeling resentful. I do think his becoming more verbally abusive (which I never never would've expected of him, and I've known him for over 12 years!) corresponded to our sex life dwindling, and it's like a vicious cycle because I have zero desire, and even less so when I think of him being rude to me. I've talked to him about taking over bedtime some days and giving me an hour or so to unwind so I'm more in the mood, but he took offense to it and basically took it as me trying to use sex to get him to do even more than he already does. I can't win. It feels like he doesn't care about what I go through or how I feel, which in return makes me not care about him, and it's a bad cycle to be in. On the surface our relationship is still good, we do talk a lot, we laugh, we spend time together as a family on weekends and do fun things together, go out to eat, etc. But at the bottom of it, I'll be honest and admit that we both tend to be selfish and somewhat spoiled when it comes to sacrificing things for each other - and this is something we both have to work on, I guess. Re: his video games, this is not a 'hiding' thing, he's been playing them for years, it's just his hobby and something he wants to do in his free time, and he's perfectly happy to be at home as long as we're letting him do what he wants.
I'm perfectly happy to let him play the games, and have some downtime on the weekends, and sleep in - I understand that he needs it, just as I do - if he would do it in return. That's why I've suggested several times drawing up a schedule where we each get one day on alternating weeks to do what we want, sleep in or whatever. I feel that would be fair, but he doesn't want to, so then of course I'm resentful when he asks for it but I never get to. Or when I do, it's with attitude and complaining and whining. When I talked nicely to him about it, he would agree and say he understands, yet next time it's the same thing again, and every time he does something it goes into his collection of things to use against me in the next argument. Same goes for paying a babysitter or a housekeeper - if I get one I know it'll be "you're home all day AND you have paid staff, you're such a spoiled princess, we're not that rich" blah blah. We do live in an expensive area and babysitters/cleaners charge at least $15-20/hour, and most are looking for a certain number of hours a week, so it's not easy to find someone reliable who's willing to only do a couple of hours a week, and any more than that becomes quite a bit of money. And as I said, it becomes almost not worth it when it's just going to be used as ammunition against me.
Have to run now, I'll write more later. Thanks again everyone for responding, I appreciate it!
Sounds like your hubby is being sort of an a--. I must have missed some of these above comments in your earlier posts.
What I wrote in my first post was geared more towards a couple that had mutual interests in resolving these conflicts. Sounds to me like he is not mature enough to resolve or communicate w/ you about these issues.
I would nix the video games if he berates you for wanting free time. I would charge him by the hour for his video games. That you can put towards a sitter for your time off.
You could also try to find a shared play date organization, or even start one in your area. That would help w/ the expense.
Your child does need to be around other children, it helps to develop so many things they'll need later in school, sharing, enjoying playing, so many positives.
Do you live near the local park? You might start taking him a few days a week, and you're likely to meet other Mom's/Dad's and could possibly get a play date situation organized eventually.
What field is your husband in?? If he earns enough to afford a really nice area, surely he can spring for a couple days a week daycare. Maybe you could even do a part time job at a daycare and generally you can take your child to work with you. That would give you a bit more spending money.
You could always go back to work. If things are so tight that you can't even get away to shop once in awhile, they are tight enough to justify working out of the home.
Hope this gets better for you all.
Last edited by JanND; 02-25-2013 at 01:39 PM..
Reason: edit text
One other thing I just remembered. Go away for a four day weekend. Leave him at home with kiddo so he can see how hard it is. But DO NOT call him every 15 mintues to see how he is doing and give him instructions. to do so expresses you feel is is incompetent to take care of kiddo. Yes, his care of the kid may not be up to your standards (my wife came home to find the diapers duct taped on becuase they kept taking them off and smearing poo all over the place) but he will do well enough. Your kid will survive, you will come back recharged and he will see that your day is not soap operas and bon bons.
He may even come up with some inventive time saving ideas to help you out (after she was done making fun of me, we continued to duct tape diapers on until they stopped pulling them off all the time).
BTW. I prevsiouly barely gave it a mention, but Marriage Encounter is a really great program. I think it is usually Catholic sponsored, but it is for everyone. It is for healthy relationships that want to stay on track. It is for strengthening marriage, not fixing marriage. If things have not deterioated to the point where counseling intervention is necessary then Marriage Encounter will probably be perfect.
Curious about the "take over bedtime" thing. Bedtime means put on a clean diaper, wrap child in a recieving blanket, stick a plug in child's mouth and tap on it until the child sucks on the plug, deposit child in crib, leave. It takes about 8 minutes. Maybe you should have him take over something more involved.
Condescension from your husband, is a death sign. . .easiest way to pick up on a looming divorce sometime in the future. Looking down on the other partner is a death spiral that should be avoided.
Regardless of that. My wife is a Stay At Home Mom . . .mostly because she can't find a job after we move. Even with that. . .I am still on the hook (like I do dishes, sometimes cook dinner, I owe her some "her time" when I get home).
Being at work all day without kids. . you get plenty of "adult" time. I can't say she gets that. Now my wife isn't the best house cleaner in the world (and I can't wait until she is employed so we can hire a maid). . .but she tries. We send J to daycare 2x a week, and soon Aiden will go at least that amount. I help with naptime some nights (or do it completely) and I cook dinner quite a few nights a week.
I really feel bad about the OP. I don't see any advice or reconciliation beyond getting a better husband. I have no faith in redemption.
Curious about the "take over bedtime" thing. Bedtime means put on a clean diaper, wrap child in a recieving blanket, stick a plug in child's mouth and tap on it until the child sucks on the plug, deposit child in crib, leave. It takes about 8 minutes.
LOL, I'm not sure my three year old would quite appreciate that routine, but thanks for the advice
In seriousness tho, re: bedtime: we've tried on numerous occasions to get DS to fall asleep on his own, but he wants me there. This is not a kid who can cry it out - he can cry for hours and not tire himself out, he just gets more and more wound up to the point of hysterics and puking and then of course he won't sleep, and if he does fall asleep he's all jumpy and wakes up at night crying again. He's a VERY high-strung, intense, emotional kid (takes after DH's side of the family, they all have anxiety, stress, insomnia issues), and seriously I don't believe it is good for his psyche to be screaming till he pukes every night before bed. I figure he's not gonna want me to still sit with him when he's in high school, lol, so for all intents and purposes for now it is much easier to sit with him for 30-40 mins while he calmly falls asleep then to have him scream half the night (if he acts up, plays, jumps around, I'll leave and not come back until he's ready to lie down, but 95% of the time he falls asleep quietly with me there). BTW, for those who think I'm abandoning DH in favor of my son - he tends to be the one to tell me 'just do this or that' rather than let him cry, lets him get away with more and says I'm too hard on him sometimes. And he's happy to have the time that I sit with DS to play his games in peace.
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