SAHM families - am I really expecting too much?? (childcare, divorce, newborn)
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I didn't read all of the pages of posts, just the first page. I have been where you are...I still am, actually. I've been home with the kids since my 2nd child was born. She's 7 now. My husband never did anything with the kids when they were younger because they were "too fragile and messy". I have relatives in town, but my husband never trusted anyone to watch the kids for us. The only time I ever had a sitter for them was a day when I was having surgery.
Since your husband has a good job, you can probably afford mommy's day out a couple days a week, or preschool for your son in the mornings. Then the mornings will be yours again...drop off your son, go back home, snooze for a couple of hours, take a shower without worrying about what he's getting into, go to the store without having to rush, etc. You're lucky because it's an option for you. Otherwise you'd have to hang in there another two years until he starts kindergarten. And before you feel guilty, there are things that he will learn from being around other kids that he will not learn being at home, no matter how wonderful of a mother you are. And those things will be a real shock for him in kindergarten, if he hasn't had some form of school before then. It's also good for him to be exposed to the germs that other kids have, before he's going to school and ends up missing important things when he's sick. My oldest didn't go to any kind of school before kindergarten because we couldn't afford it, and she was the kid screaming and crying every morning when it was time for me to leave her there.
The root of your problem is actually that you and your husband are trying to get more free time as much as possible from each other, and both of you define "free time" as without your son. He has some free time and you resent that he spends this on computer games. You have some free time, not so much from your POV and definitely less when your parents were around, but it's still more than most mothers and you are still unable to explain how exactly taking care of ONE child in an apartment will result to such hardwork and stress you out so much. Aside from cooking dinner and taking care of your son in the evening, why can't you finish the other chores when your husband is at work? Unless your son has some special needs, what is making you so tired? Many women have FT jobs with more children and still have sex with their husbands. You need to work this out with your husband. Both of you have to mature and stop outdoing each other on who can sleep till noon on weekends. I only have sympathy for your son, on why you both seem to hate spending time with him so much.
I'm sorry, but may I ask, how many kids have you raised exactly? Were you a stay-at-home-parent, or perhaps a FT working mom? It's easy to point to others who do it all, but until you've been in their shoes you can't talk. A working mom's child is watched by someone else during the time she's at work; in a normal healthy household. all the child rearing and household duties in a family with two working parents are split evenly 50:50, or outsourced to hired help. I'm with my son all day, every day, and I don't ask DH for a 50% share when he's home - not even close. I don't ask for help with any household tasks and I ask for about 5% of his time to be spent with DS versus my 95%. Unless you've raised a toddler, you have no idea how stressful and exhausting it is to have a little person depend on you for his every need, every minute of the day, to not be able to go the bathroom alone. It's exhausting and it wears you down, as much as I adore DS and love spending time with him. Believe me, before I had him I thought it was all butterflies and rainbows too, and couldn't understand why moms complained - why would you want time away from your precious child?? But it's hard to be entirely responsible for another life, a human being, 24/7, and sometimes you just need to be able to get away and have a breather, and to spend an hour or two not being responsible for anyone's needs. It's not about 'hating to spend time with him' This is ridiculous, as every mother I've ever spoken to has expressed the same sentiment - everyone's husbands are at least expected to help out, does that mean they all hate spending time with their kids?? But unless you're a parent, actually make that a mother, you won't get it.
Oh, and I do have sex with my husband...it's just that it's hard for me to actually be in the mood for it, when I've just finished dealing with putting a toddler to sleep and finished up chores, I can't just go from that to jumping on DH and being all sexy tigress. It's hard for guys to understand, I know. I try not to turn him down, but then he complains I don't initiate or that I'm not active or enthusiastic enough - but these are things that I can't really control, if I'm not feeling it I can't force myself to...this is off-topic for the parenting board though so I'll stop here
Last edited by EvilCookie; 02-24-2013 at 11:52 PM..
He does the bath. I don't ask for more cause I know it'll set him off on how he already does so much and it's never enough for me yadda yadda, and honestly I'm really grateful I can at least rely on him doing that every night, because it gives me 15-20 minutes of peace but I also I hate dealing with the bath so I'm just grateful and then take over from there once they're done.
EvilCookie, I am so sorry for the way you're feeling. You are not wrong, selfish, inconsiderate, demanding, or any other negative terms. You are a stressed out mother. And that's a lot! I am also a sahm and my kids are a bit older now. It gets so much easier. Please believe me! And the crazy thing? You'll miss the baby/toddler days you're experiencing now more than anything. I had an awful time with my second child. I love her to pieces but she was beyond difficult. She had tons of developmental delays and was frustrated and angry. And she took it all out on me. She is so much better today but still has a difficult personality but what I would give to have her back as a toddler again. I would love her up because I miss her so at that age. Even though she's 8 today I wrap her in a blanket and pretend she's a baby! I kiss her and rock her. But I'm digressing because you're talking about your husband. So back to him.
My husband is wonderful with the kids now that they're older. It was a completely different story when they were little. To be honest, your husband does more than mine did. My husband never, not once, gave the kids a bath or put them to bed. I did everything! I didn't feel as frustrated as you though. That doesn't mean that you are wrong. Your feelings are never wrong. Nobody can ever tell you that they are. I had a lot of frustrations when my kids were little and it's such a stressful time. I didn't have a minute to myself. Try and focus on the time you do have to yourself. The gym, grocery store, during the day when your baby naps.
More than giving you advice I just want to give you support. You will get thought this. You will be okay. None of your feelings are wrong, or whiny. I feel for you. Try opening up to some trusted moms. They probably feel exactly like you do.
Best of luck to you.
Thank you for your kind words!
I do know I'll miss this age terribly, it is all going by so so fast and he's growing up way too quickly But in a way that also makes me wish I got more of a break, to recharge my batteries so I COULD actually truly enjoy all the time I spend with him without getting worn down and stressed from the non-stop routine. I find I enjoy it so much more and am a much better, more patient mother after I've had even half an hour just to myself, as opposed to when I've been running on empty on my own the entire day, you know?
I'm sorry, but may I ask, how many kids have you raised exactly? Were you a stay-at-home-parent, or perhaps a FT working mom? It's easy to point to others who do it all, but until you've been in their shoes you can't talk. A working mom's child is watched by someone else during the time she's at work; in a normal healthy household. all the child rearing and household duties in a family with two working parents are split evenly 50:50, or outsourced to hired help. I'm with my son all day, every day, and I don't ask DH for a 50% share when he's home - not even close. I don't ask for help with any household tasks and I ask for about 5% of his time to be spent with DS versus my 95%. Unless you've raised a toddler, you have no idea how stressful and exhausting it is to have a little person depend on you for his every need, every minute of the day, to not be able to go the bathroom alone. It's exhausting and it wears you down, as much as I adore DS and love spending time with him. Believe me, before I had him I thought it was all butterflies and rainbows too, and couldn't understand why moms complained - why would you want time away from your precious child?? But it's hard to be entirely responsible for another life, a human being, 24/7, and sometimes you just need to be able to get away and have a breather, and to spend an hour or two not being responsible for anyone's needs. It's not about 'hating to spend time with him' This is ridiculous, as every mother I've ever spoken to has expressed the same sentiment - everyone's husbands are at least expected to help out, does that mean they all hate spending time with their kids?? But unless you're a parent, actually make that a mother, you won't get it.
As I said in my earlier post, my DS is still your son's age. And also have an older DD. But am a FATHER, who does not mind occasionally watching over the kids on weekends. I am telling you from a guy's POV that you have to explain to your husband what makes you so busy, tired and stressed. Am not the only one asking you that question here, and your husband is probably wondering the same thing. Your husband already gives your son a bath every night, but you're still counting the hours he spends with your son which is resentful by itself.
I'm sorry, but may I ask, how many kids have you raised exactly? Were you a stay-at-home-parent, or perhaps a FT working mom? It's easy to point to others who do it all, but until you've been in their shoes you can't talk. A working mom's child is watched by someone else during the time she's at work; in a normal healthy household. all the child rearing and household duties in a family with two working parents are split evenly 50:50, or outsourced to hired help.
I have three teen boys. They were all toddlers at one point. When they were small I worked. I started to SAH when the youngest was a toddler. I assure you that when I worked child rearing and household duties were not split 50/50. It just doesn't work that way with most families.
The thing that is most disturbing about your posts is how your husband talks to you. He is abusive. THAT is much more of a problem than whether he does bedtime or bathtime. You simply cannot tolerate a man who calls you lazy. You cannot tolerate a family life where you have to walk on eggshells wondering what is going to set him off. This is something you need to correct. It is much more important than how many seconds a day each of you spends with your son. Just because he isn't a drug addict that hits you does not mean he is not abusive.
OK-3 year olds are demanding but what are you doing that requires you to be doing chores until midnight? You live in an apartment, how much cleaning can it possibly need? Your son is 3. He should be able to play by himself while you cook. If he takes a nap why can't you watch tv or read a book or lay down? I think you are making it harder on yourself than it needs to be. When I was home with my son we used to take an hour of quiet time in the afternoon. When he outgrew his nap that was the time that I let him watch a video. I am not a fan of little kids watching tv all day but an hour in the afternoon won't kill him.
As far as sleep goes, you are whining. When you have little kids you don't get to sleep late. If you need more sleep go to sleep earlier. Your son will eventually grow up and you still won't be able to sleep late because he will be involved in activities that require you to be somewhere on weekend mornings. This is what you signed up for when your child was born. You and your husband both need to deal with it.
Don't think things will be better if you get a job. They won't. If one child is stressing you out, please do not have another.
EvilCookie, first I would like to give you a big virtual hug. A few comments have been unneccessarily meanspirited but such is the nature of the internet and people hiding behind a keyboard. Too bad I can't smack 'em thru the monitor for you!!
Anyway, I'm a SAHM of two kids, 10 and 13. I walked away from my six figure job to stay home with them and it has been an interesting ride, that is for sure. My husband and I have been married for 30 years and we've certainly have had our share of ups and downs. When I stopped working though, I started noticing a shift of power in our relationship with many things being taken for granted on his part. Don't get me wrong...I feel fortunate that I could stay at home. I appreciate the fantastic salary my husband makes. I appreciate the very long hours he works. What I've had problems with is some of what you describe in your post----taking quite a things for granted and me turning into a house slave of sorts.
I do think that your husband is being verbally abusive. Calling your lazy, etc is uncalled for and you need to put your foot down and stop that ASAP. Also, take more time for yourself---be constructively lazy! Haul your son around food shopping or other chores. He won't mind and you can kill two birds with one stone...spend time with him and get your stuff done. Also, find activities that tucker him out. Of course give him his nap but put the little guy to bed by 8pm (or earlier). Both my kids were in bed, read to and sleeping most nights by 8pm. This will give you more free time. Also, if you can afford it....hire a housekeeper that comes in every few weeks. I used to do it all myself but this is a luxury we afford. And don't be doing chores at midnight!! Put that son of yours to sleep and have some time for yourself. Be constructively lazy and don't feel guilty about it! (this is my term btw...constructively lazy...just means arranging time to make more time for yourself).
About distribution of work...this is a hard one. My husband is a serious computer gamer and has his nose buried in his computer quite a bit of the time. It has been a constant source of friction and again, we are going to have a talk about it today. My daughter didn't study for a huge test...again. I had reminded her but it was up to my husband to enforce (we tag team with my daughter). Did he carry his share of the water? Nope. This is a constant struggle and it does get really tiring. I can understand where you are coming from.
Time to get son out the door to school and I"m off to the gym!! Hang in there.
Why doesn't the OP get a full time job so she can see how good she really does have it. I was a SAHM until my husband left me and the kids. I then had to start working AND taking care of the kids. Also, it sounds to me like your marriage is in trouble.
My husband used to call me lazy the first few years that I was staying home. At first, he had to work two full-time jobs, until we paid off our car and credit cards. Then he got a better job and we were out of debt besides so he only had to work one full time job, but he didn't do anything more around the house than he ever had.
Then I broke my leg and spent six months in a wheelchair. There were parts of the apartment we had then which I couldn't even get into with the wheelchair (kids room, our bathroom, the washer and dryer). I also couldn't navigate the stairs to get out of the apartment without a lot of help. He got to do all of my chores until I could walk again, including taking our daughter to kindergarten and picking her up (he worked nights, so he was available to do this...he had always been available, just too lazy). I still cooked because I wasn't going to eat frozen nuggets every day and that's all he could cook. He only did laundry once a month until I could do it again. Anyhow, from those six months he learned how much work I did.
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This is ridiculous, as every mother I've ever spoken to has expressed the same sentiment - everyone's husbands are at least expected to help out, does that mean they all hate spending time with their kids?? But unless you're a parent, actually make that a mother, you won't get it.
But in a way that also makes me wish I got more of a break, to recharge my batteries so I COULD actually truly enjoy all the time I spend with him without getting worn down and stressed from the non-stop routine. I find I enjoy it so much more and am a much better, more patient mother after I've had even half an hour just to myself, as opposed to when I've been running on empty on my own the entire day, you know?
